He’d been ravenous and Erin had procured a steaming breakfast for him, probably bribed from an attendant on the sleeper car. Her manner was very much the same as before the nighttime escapades, so he hadn’t been able to tell if she’d really said what he’d thought she said.
“Not regretting what I told you last night?” she asked softly now.
He watched roses climb in her cheeks and knew suddenly that he hadn’t imagined what had passed between them.
“You can’t be serious,” he said when she wouldn’t quite meet his eyes.
The blush blooming in her cheeks grew darker. “I—I can’t help my feelings.”
“No, that’s not what I meant,” he said quickly. “I meant, you can’t seriously think that...what you said would offend me in some way.”
She finally met his eyes and the soft joy shining in the endless blue depths cut him in the gut.
He clenched his jaw to keep from blurting out the truth—that he returned her love.
“I’m honored,” he said quietly, truthfully. “I can’t understand it, but I...”
He swallowed back the words that wanted to come. How could he burden her with his feelings when he was keeping so much from her?
“We getting off for supper at the next stop?” Pete asked, leaning forward with elbows on his knees. It was a needed reminder that Jesse and Erin weren’t alone.
“No,” was Jesse’s reply. “We’ll get off in Cheyenne, with Erin.”
“Aw, do you gotta go?” asked one of Nora’s twins, sitting on the floor and leaning his chin on Erin’s knee.
“Yes, and I’ll be sorry to leave you lot,” she said, ruffling his hair with one hand that wasn’t clutching the squirming toddler on her lap.
“Remember, Miss Erin is going to visit her brother for Christmas,” Nora said. She still hadn’t warmed up to Erin and it puzzled Jesse.
“I’ve got a new little niece that I’ve never met before,” Erin reminded them.
Taking in Erin’s excitement when she talked about the new addition to her brother’s family and the way she was always touching the children, giving impromptu hugs or pats all around, Jesse could easily see her with a passel of her own children. She would make a good mother, was loving and kind, generous and sweet. And with her confession last night, Jesse longed to have what he couldn’t have—Erin as his wife, the mother of his children.
“Supper?” Pete broke into Jesse’s thoughts again.
“You must be as hungry as I’ve been today,” Jesse said. “I could’ve eaten a bear earlier and now I’m hungry again.”
Pete grinned. “Saw you even ate your potatoes, so you musta been starving.”
The abrupt reminder of what Pete knew and Erin didn’t sent an icy chill through Jesse and he shifted uncomfortably. He hadn’t known his aversion to potatoes had been that obvious, but he didn’t want Pete’s teasing to lead to a question he really didn’t want to answer in front of Erin.
“I was thinking we should wait until Cheyenne. It isn’t much farther past the supper stop and the fare at a hotel would likely be better than what we’ll get at the railroad stop. Erin?”
She raised her brows slightly. “You know I’ll be going on to Calvin from Cheyenne, right? It’s a small town, farther up the Belt Line.”
“But you don’t know when the connecting train will be, do you?” Jesse asked.
“Aren’t we going on with Miss Erin?” Pete asked, curious. “To keep her outta trouble?”
He felt Erin tense beside him.
“Seems like Miss Erin’s been mostly keeping you two outta trouble, or at least bailing you out of it when you get into it,” Nora commented with a frown in Jesse’s direction.
Jesse chuckled, but it was halfhearted and even he could hear it. “Well, now that I’ve got a little brother to watch out for, seems like I’d better be making arrangements for a job and a place to stay.”
Pete’s face lit up momentarily, then he glanced guiltily at Erin. “But...”
“You don’t have to travel on to Calvin with me,” Erin said quickly, false cheer ringing in her tone. “I’m certainly capable of getting there safely on my own.”
“Maybe there’ll be enough of a break in the train schedule for you to stop for supper with us,” said Jesse. “Then we can figure out what to do.”
* * *
Erin’s lips tried to tremble, but she forced them into a semblance of a smile.
They’d had no formal agreement, but Erin had thought he meant to come with her all the way to Calvin.
What had changed? She could guess... She’d bared her soul to Jesse last night, thankful and overjoyed that he was alive, that he’d survived the storm and found Pete, but now he was pulling away from her.
He’d said he was honored that she was falling in love with him—what did that mean? It certainly wasn’t the return of her feelings that she’d hoped for.
Last night he’d been so open...and said he didn’t think he was good enough for her. If that was what was stopping him from returning her feelings, perhaps they needed to sit down and have an honest conversation.
But if he was staying in Cheyenne and she was going on to Calvin, would there be time for that?
Then again, how could she fault him when he was taking on a new responsibility of caring for Pete? He’d clearly said he had no cash to speak of and was looking for a new start, now he had the responsibility of another mouth to feed, and she knew he’d been reluctant to take on Pete’s care in the first place.
Just because they were parting ways a bit sooner than she’d thought, it didn’t mean they couldn’t write each other. And maybe in a few weeks when she was on her way back to Boston, she could stop back in Cheyenne and look them up, if they were still there, and catch up a bit. Maybe share a meal.
But it was small comfort, and she struggled to maintain a cheerful facade.
Until one of the twins bounced in his seat and cried, “Miss Erin, Miss Erin. You said you’d read some more of Jesus’s story to us today. We’ve been real good!”
So they had. And if her time with Jesse was running out, what better way to spend it than trying to subtly share God’s love with him?
Even if her heart was breaking as she did it.
* * *
Jesse watched Erin wave to Nora’s crew as the train huffed and hooted its way out of the station.
Before they’d disembarked, she’d exchanged an awkward hug with Nora, the other woman thanking Erin stiffly for her help with the children on the train. Jesse had seen the nickels Erin had snuck each of the children to get their mother something nice for Christmas.
Now she adjusted her satchel on her arm, turning to face him and Pete where they stood a few paces away. “I’ll be all right if you want to go along to see about a hotel. I’ve still got to find out when the next train to Calvin is and make arrangements for my luggage.”
She moved toward the small ticket counter, and Jesse joined her, Pete trudging along a half step behind him. This station was smaller than the one in Chicago, but its new construction made it a handsome sight.
“We’ll stick with you. We’re not in any hurry, except for the boy’s stomach,” Jesse said, nudging Pete’s shoulder. Surprisingly, the boy didn’t move away from his touch.
They waited nearby as Erin spoke to the ticket agent. She turned back to them with a wry smile. “It looks like I’ll be joining you for supper, after all. The next train to Calvin isn’t until the morning.”
Part of Jesse was relieved he wouldn’t have to say goodbye yet. But part of him was reluctant to let Erin just walk out of his life.
“I’ll take your bag, Miss Erin,” Pete said, taking her satchel from her and walking out ahead of them, head swiveling curiously as they left the depot with its tall clocktower.
&nbs
p; Jesse craned his neck, as well. Out here, the blue sky seemed to stretch on forever.
“What about your trunk?” Jesse asked.
“The ticket agent said he’d have someone store it overnight and I’ll just need to make sure it gets on the train in the morning.”
She wasn’t really looking at him as they walked down the boardwalk—a far cry from Boston’s sidewalks!—at least not the way she’d been looking at him last night.
He wanted to explain...
“I hope you don’t think I’m breaking my word to take you to Calvin, but I believe I should get a start on my new life, now I’ve got Pete to look after.”
The words, the lie, slipped out so quickly and effortlessly. In Chicago, he’d wanted to be a new man for Erin, a worthy man, but her confession from the night before, that she was falling for him—it had frightened him, and his past behaviors took over.
Another sign that he could never be right for Erin.
“Of course, I understand,” she said. “It’s admirable that you’re going to take him on. I can see you’ve already made a difference with him.”
He didn’t want her to think less of him for his past, wanted her to have good memories. There was no chance they could end up together, so it was better to part ways now, wasn’t it? If he pretended that anything could be between them, it would only result in hurt for them both. Erin would be hurt when she realized he hadn’t been completely truthful with her, and when he lost her regard, his heart would be ripped apart.
He wouldn’t see her again after supper. They would say their goodbyes and she would go on her way to Calvin, and then he’d figure out something to do with Pete.
But as he and Erin followed Pete down the dusty street, he felt hollowed-out and broken.
Chapter Seventeen
Erin watched Pete lick the spoon after taking his last bite of the pudding he’d ordered for dessert, then lean his chin on hand on the elegant white-covered table. In the background, other conversations and tinkling silverware swirled around them.
Jesse had surrendered soon after she had, laying his napkin next to his plate and sitting back with hands steepled over his belly, watching Pete enjoy the food with relish, a small smile playing on his lips.
The byplay between the two males had changed greatly since she’d first met them on the train out of Boston. Now, when Jesse made a dinner selection, Pete considered it gravely and chose the same thing. Jesse teased him about his bottomless stomach.
They were acting more like real brothers, and Erin was grateful and amazed to see the change and know Pete would have someone who cared about him from now on.
How could she be sad for herself, that Jesse was ready to move on?
She would say what she had to say and then retire to her room. Rushing to fill the lengthening silence, afraid that if she thought too much she’d start to cry.
“I came down earlier, before we met for dinner, to stretch my legs a bit. I spoke to the hotel manager and he told me the livery stable down the street is looking for a stablehand. It probably wouldn’t be much pay, and I wasn’t sure if you even liked horses... And then as I was walking down the boardwalk, the milliner was closing up her shop for the day and we began talking, and she said her brother has a cattle ranch about ten miles out of town and needs cowboys, but I wasn’t sure if Pete would be allowed to go with you. Then I thought of going to the telegraph office to wire my brother that I’ll arrive tomorrow, but of course it was closed, but the clerk there mentioned the bank was looking for a bank teller. It could possibly be an option for you...”
* * *
Jesse knew Erin was disappointed. The connection between them had only strengthened since the moment they’d met and he knew that her smiles and conversation throughout dinner had been forced. Plus, he’d trained himself to be attuned to people’s small gestures and she hadn’t been as upbeat as their previous days together.
And now this. She’d spent the afternoon scouting for employment for him, when she might have been resting in her room.
His heart swelled with love for her.
But he was still afraid to tell her about his past.
If he told her the truth, she would walk away. He knew it. On the small chance that she didn’t right away, what if she came to realize his true nature and changed her mind later?
“Thank you,” he told her. “The milliner’s brother wants cowboys and I might be a bank teller if I’d had more schooling.”
“You’ll find something,” she said with a trembling smile. “I know you will.”
“Maybe you could be a lawyer,” Pete offered. “You’re smart enough.”
His face warmed.
“Gentlemen, I’m afraid I’d better retire. Only a short jaunt tomorrow, but I want to be fresh to see my brother.”
They stood and accompanied Erin out of the hotel’s dining room and into the lobby area. It wasn’t as opulent as the Chicago hotel, but a far cry nicer than a lot of other places he’d slept. He was looking forward to a real bed after cricking his neck on the passenger car.
And he’d paid for his room himself.
Jesse saw the surprise on her face when Pete slung an arm around Erin’s waist in an awkward hug. “’Night, Erin.”
“Thank you both for getting me here in time for Christmas. Only two more days!” She half laughed and wiped beneath her nose as she embraced the kid. He faded up the stairs, giving them some privacy as Erin and Jesse followed more slowly.
The upstairs hallway was quiet and dimly lit, offering them a quiet place to talk.
“Would you walk me over to the rail station in the morning?” she asked, eyes on the stairs in front of her feet.
“I—don’t know. I’ll likely be busy hitting the streets, looking for a job.” It was an excuse, a thin one. He knew it, and it sounded in his voice, but she didn’t argue with him, only nodded briefly.
They reached the landing and she hesitated. “I...I wanted to say again that I’m sorry if what I said—that I was falling in love with you—made things uncomfortable between us. It wasn’t my intention.”
She looked up at him with those guileless eyes and her expressive features and he could see the depth of her emotion.
“It isn’t that, Erin,” he said, voice low. “I’m not... I can’t... I want to but I can’t—”
He bowed his head and squeezed his eyes tightly closed; his hands formed fists unconsciously. Walking away now was hard, too hard. If he waited until the morning, had one more night of hope, it would only hurt that much more in the morning.
“It’s all right.” She was there, facing him, fingers lightly touching his fisted hands. “I wasn’t asking you for anything, Jesse. I only wanted you to know. Everything happened so fast, with you going out in the blizzard, but then when you’d returned I just... It sort of just popped out. But I’m not upset I told you. You’re a good man.”
He shook his head. A denial of her words, a denial of what he had to do—walk away. It was better this way. Better that she thought she’d befriended someone like her, someone good.
“I wish...” Things could be different.
“I know God has good things in store for you. I hope you’ll open your heart to Him, Jesse.”
Then she reached up and bussed his cheek, just a fleeting touch. “Goodbye.”
His own goodbye stuck in his throat as he watched her walk away, down the hall, and slip into her room.
He would never see her again. He ached all over just thinking it.
When he stepped into the room he shared with Pete, the boy sat perched on the edge of the bed, an unreadable expression on his face.
“I can’t believe you’re just giving up,” Pete said. “Yer just letting her get away. She wants us to go to Calvin with her. It’d be another day together, at least.�
��
Jesse slumped into a straight-backed chair near the bed, rubbing both hands over his face. He was so tired of fighting his emotions, tired of struggling. “It doesn’t matter. You didn’t spill the beans on me, so she still doesn’t know I’ve been in prison.”
“So tell her.”
“She won’t feel the same way about me once she knows.”
“How d’you know? She seems to have forgave you for letting her think I was your brother.”
“It’s not the same.”
Pete jumped off the bed. “I’ll just go tell her.”
“No!”
Jesse appreciated that the kid wanted to make it simple, but it wasn’t. He wasn’t worthy of her. “It’s more than just prison.”
“You told me about your brother dying. Is that it?”
“No.” His responsibility in Daniel’s death was all mixed up in it but not the totality of his conflicting emotions. “I don’t want her to—” See me as I really am. “Think less of me.” He wanted her to admire him, didn’t want to lose the open emotion on her face when they were together.
“So you’re just going to let her go on, thinking she pushed you away?”
What the kid said made sense. Erin did deserve an explanation, deserved to know why he wasn’t good enough for her. When she knew about his past, she’d agree that they were mismatched and couldn’t be together.
He could agree she deserved to know. The trouble was, he didn’t think he had the courage to tell her. His past was ugly, and most likely she wouldn’t understand it. No one else had ever known about his past and still loved him.
Telling her would ruin the small kernel of respect she’d gifted him with by the admiration in her eyes. When she hadn’t known about his past, she’d judged him for the actions she’d seen, like helping take care of Pete.
But once she knew...all that respect and admiration would be gone.
But...he didn’t want her hurting, thinking she’d done something to drive him away.
Counterfeit Cowboy Page 17
