The culture of southern California seemed to feel more natural to me than any place I’d been to before. Though it had its positive and negative aspects just like anywhere else, it really felt as if there was a lot less pressure to conform into being something I was not; and I really appreciated the prevailing “anything goes” mentality. It finally felt as if I was in a position to begin building a rock solid foundational core of values and way of living that would truly be aligned with my highest aspirations. I began to focus on doing work that involved different methods of personal transformation; the type of work that I knew would actually make a difference in the world. There was much work to be done.
One of these areas of focus was using my math background to tutor students who were in danger of failing out of school. In some of the city’s highest crime neighborhoods, I would hear stories from students of brutal gang violence. As I sat at the kitchen table with a pupil who was only in the 6th grade, she pointed out the window of her apartment, and showed me the spot where a homeless man had been beaten to death the night before. She’d been woken up in the middle of the night (on the night before an exam) by sirens, and yet still wasn’t rattled. A few hours later, she walked to school as if nothing had happened. She handled herself more maturely than most adults who’ve never been immersed into that type of environment. Through the process of dealing with these types of childhood experiences, she had developed a tough outer shell as a means of basic survival, having been forced to grow up a lot faster than our society should ever have allowed. Like most of my students, her mother spoke Spanish as her primary language, and so helping out with homework or communicating with teachers directly became virtually nonexistent. The studio apartment they lived in contained a bunk bed. The mother and youngest sibling slept on the bottom, while the older two shared the top. The apartment building itself had many issues, including structural issues such as leaks, and human issues as well (since some gang members lived within the building). There was no safe haven; there was no place to hide. For her and her family, this was survival.
These are the types of details that can easily be overlooked when we judge a student’s grades and conduct from a distance without understanding what they’ve been through. For children from an upper class neighborhood, in a two-parent family, who speak English at home, who have access to the best schools, the best teachers, internet access, and have relatives on the school board, it still takes a lot of effort and diligence to become top performers. Now, just imagine how much harder it is to get a student up to speed when all of these advantages don’t exist. In a subject like math, skills are built on top of one another. If a student falls far behind, it can take years for them to recover -- and that’s not even the worst case scenario. Often, they can become so discouraged that they lose the desire to attend school altogether.
Yet despite all of this, with the right systems in place, massive progress can be made. For a student of mine in the 5th grade, she went from failing her math exams and struggling with her multiplication tables to receiving the first “A” she’d ever gotten in her life. I observed that a major factor in making progress involved getting to know each student’s personality, interests, motivations, and most importantly -- finding a way for them to want to interact and learn from you. Each kid has a passion for something. For some, it’s baseball; for others, it’s cartoons; for others, it’s food. For one student who hated math, but loved baseball, all of his math problems became baseball problems. He had very little interest in learning math, but he had a major interest in adding up the runs on the scoreboard to figure out if the Dodgers beat the Yankees. He was very interested in learning about which player had the longest homeruns, and how fast you would have to be to steal second base before the catcher threw you out. When a student is intrinsically motivated to learn something, they can become curious and inspired enough to want to learn concepts that are beyond their grade level. Math was no longer just some boring subject that he was forced to learn, but instead was a vehicle through which he could become better at understanding something he loved --the sport of baseball. I learned that by sparking that flame, I could unlock the raw potential for students to be able to transform their own views towards learning.
Some students are shy, and need to be in a quiet and judgment free atmosphere so that they feel more comfortable and confident to speak up. Some students excel in areas outside of academics, and those talents should be nurtured to give them a sense of pride and identity, in order to give them the confidence and discipline necessary to improve their grades. Another major concept that I utilized is that I would often let the students decide when they were ready to take a break, and never set a limit on how many breaks they could have. I found that it was much more productive to have students be fully immersed into learning for as long as they could last rather than force them to study for too long against their will. When I was in school, I actually became conditioned to hate forced writing assignments so much that I preferred to take a major full of math and science classes; mostly so that I wouldn’t have to write papers. And ironically, now that I have the freedom to choose my own path, I’m choosing to write this book. Go figure. It’s human nature for us to dislike things that feel as if they are forced upon us in an uninspiring way. Many times, I would give students the option to either take a break or keep going, and they would choose to keep going. Students can learn much more effectively when they are the ones choosing to learn.
I envision the optimal form of learning as a type of guided recess. First, I let the students operate in the habitat that is most natural to who they are, in a state of freedom. I observe their tendencies, and see what they’re truly like. Then, I join the game, and initially play by their rules. I allow them to accept me into their world, as this will make it more likely that they want to learn about mine. Then, I teach them the skills and concepts that I believe will be most beneficial for them within the framework of the paradigm they live in, and show them direct examples of how this knowledge will make their lives better. For example, if a student loves to play with racecars, it’s possible to use that as the central focus for nearly everything they do. Help them write a story about the car. Help them learn about the parts that make the car run. Let them figure out the acceleration and top speed. In this manner, every skill the student learns builds directly upon the interests they already have, in an area that they enjoy playing in when no one is forcing them to learn.
In addition to utilizing this empathy-centered methodology for helping students improve their performance in school, similar philosophies flourished when I worked with adults as well. Through one-on-one coaching, personal development groups, and retreats, I’d worked with young entrepreneurs and leaders, people interested in overcoming fears and social anxieties, homeless individuals, people with drug addictions, and people stuck in abusive relationships. Each situation and individual called for a slightly different approach, and I was not always able to help everyone make the changes they desired; but I have seen miraculous changes occur with my own eyes. I’ve seen people overcome lifelong fears, quit addictions, gain the strength to leave abusive marriages, start businesses, graduate school after having previously dropped out, and positively transform their lives in numerous different ways. Though it certainly isn’t always easy, I can say with complete confidence that with the right training, leaders and resources, it is absolutely possible to empower people to change their ways of living for the better.
While living in southern California, far away from my old life in New York City, I finally began to feel as if the work I was doing was in total alignment with the best attributes I had to offer to the world. I truly loved the work I was doing on a daily basis, and knew how vital it was for society as a whole for these types of issues to be properly addressed. But all was not well. What became evident to me was that this line of work contained a major paradox within it. In essence, the people in society who have the strongest need for these types of services are least able to afford t
hem. The poorest, most vulnerable, and most disenfranchised people are the ones that need help the most, and yet they often do not have any means to be able to compensate those who have the ability to assist them in overcoming their biggest life challenges. In this manner, the cycle of poverty could span many generations.
This did not sit well with me. There were tens of thousands of people all around Los Angeles -- some of whom were only kids and teenagers -- who did not even have a place to call home. I decided that I would focus on working with people no matter if they had an ability to pay or not. I’d already cut my expenses down to the bare bones level to make this feasible. In a short period of time, I thought, I would eventually bring in enough paying clients to make this financially sustainable enough to cover all of my living expenses and college loans. At the same time, I began thinking about the issue of poverty on more of a macro scale. Was working individually and in small groups the most effective way to address this issue, in terms of reaching the masses? What were humanitarian organizations with large budgets doing? With over a billion people worldwide living in dire conditions, was there a more efficient way of addressing these problems?
One day, a seemingly obvious insight hit me over the head like a ton of bricks. I was growing a small avocado plant in my kitchen, and watered it right before I walked out the door. As I crossed paths with so many people on the street who needed money for food, I thought:
“I’ve been thinking about poverty alleviation in terms of scarcity -- there aren’t enough jobs, there isn’t enough effective job training, food prices are increasing, and so on. If I were to plant one seed -- whether it was from an avocado, an apple, a pepper, or any other type of fruit or vegetable -- over time, it would grow into a plant that produces a bunch of food, with many more seeds. These seeds could each be replanted, and replicate the process. All it takes is some fertile soil, sunlight, and some water. Technically, given the right conditions and enough time, even one single seed has the potential to produce an unlimited number of fruits or vegetables. Almost anyone, no matter how much or how little formal education they’ve received, could be capable of executing this.”
This really was a game changer for me in terms of my philosophical approach towards thinking about poverty alleviation on a much larger scale, as this concept was something very simple, concrete and tangible. Stated simply, if a person has a place to grow their own food, they would not need to be as reliant on money for their basic survival. Regardless of whether the economy is up or down, if a person can grow most or all of their own food, at the very least, they will not go hungry. Rather than spending all of their free time trying to obtain money for food, they would be able to devote time towards developing other skills, or sell their surplus to begin earning money independently. While this overall idea still had many missing pieces that I knew I would have to do more research to address, this was the first time that I truly understood deep down at a conceptual level that it really is possible for everyone in the world to have enough to eat. Though hunger is the number one cause of death worldwide, I realized that with the right amount of effort and resources, we absolutely could eliminate this problem. Figuring out the logistics of how to realistically execute something of this magnitude became my top priority.
For awhile, it seemed like everything was progressing just fine. My income was running on a varied feast and famine type of cycle, but I was finding a way to get by. I believed that it would eventually pick up. However, my research, my vision, and my overall life plan would soon be put on hold, followed by a rapid decline. When both my car and computer broke down at the same time, I was forced to dip into my credit cards for relief, which added bigger payments to my minimum monthly expenses. When the summer months arrived, tutoring came to a halt, and that further stretched the gap between my income and expenses. Before I knew it, I was in trouble. Credit cards became my primary lifeline for groceries, car insurance, phone, gas and electric bills. At the same time, there were some major conflicts occurring that involved relatives back on the east coast, and so I began to realize that this really was do or die time. I was on my own, and would either have to sink or swim. I began to look into other jobs to be able to make ends meet. The bottom had fallen out, and I was spiraling; just struggling to tread water. It all happened so quickly.
At that moment in time, in terms of me getting my finances back on track, economic conditions looked bleak. To add to all of the above, the economy was reeling from a global financial collapse, and was in the heart of a severe recession. Los Angeles was considered to be one of the top three worst cities for job seekers in America at the time. Companies were hosting big group interviews to weed out candidates; and these were for jobs that paid $8 per hour. With the real estate market dropping significantly, and the total halt in construction, the only value my civil engineering degree had was as a placemat. I’d even met a recent law school grad from Yale who couldn’t find work. Most importantly, since my network was not very big in this relatively new city, I did not have any connections that could swoop in and save me. Things began to look more and more dire. I began working part-time for a trial period as an assistant for a prosperous individual in the personal development realm, but his $5 per hour offer was too low for me to sustain myself. When my car had broken down yet again, and I was unable to afford to get it fixed, it further limited my ability to get around to potential interviews on the other side of the city. I’d sent out countless resumes, but it was of no use. On more than one occasion, I’d received an email response, and was ecstatic; only to realize that it was a scammer attempting to get me to fill out a fake application in order to steal my social security number.
Though I’d spent the vast majority of my life without very much money, it never really bothered me before; as it always seemed like a temporary stage that was sure to end. This was the first time that I had felt that I was stuck in a life of poverty. I understood the horrible sensation of what it felt like to feel truly poor, powerless, and trapped; as if no one in the world cared about helping me. It feels like you have no value and no self-worth. People forget that you exist. The slope becomes dangerously steep. You feel desperate; and the more desperate you get, the more you need help -- the less people want to help you. In a society that worships money, when you don’t have any, you become invisible. It didn’t matter that my objective was originally to try to help end poverty for others; at this moment, I had to get myself out of poverty, and was having trouble finding any viable options. I began trying all sorts of outside the box ideas -- handing out flyers to people explaining my situation, posting them on telephone poles, offering a cash referral to anyone who could help me find a job, offering 10% of my first year’s income for a job, writing professional flyers, heartfelt flyers, comedic flyers, sneaking into buildings to post flyers, standing on the street with a sign -- and nothing worked. I literally could not find a job with a livable wage to save my life.
Once again, I began to question everything I thought I knew about the world. I had a steady career path, I abandoned it, and now I was begging for another one -- and it was no longer there. What a humbling experience. My debt was growing larger each day that I couldn’t find work; and pretty soon, I’d no longer be able to pay my rent. It felt like every day I was just digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole of debt, worthlessness, and isolation. Even if I wanted to have a conversation with someone, what would we talk about? What positive things would I even have to say? I was ashamed to even speak about how fast I had fallen. All of my dreams had crumbled, and now my life had become a daily nightmare. And the worst part was: It was all my fault.
9
My Awakening Transformation
Hitting rock bottom is one of the most humbling experiences a person can have. When every person you know knows that you made a risky move to pursue a life that’s off the beaten path, and it doesn’t work out the way you expected it to, it feels like the entire world is laughing behind your back. For me, the hardest part was when I
would question if my beliefs were too idealistic. What if making a major difference in the world was beyond my capabilities? Should I have just been happy to have any job, even if it entailed legally extracting money out of the system without truly providing value to others?
When the final month came during which I was not going to be able to pay my rent any longer, I became apathetic to all of these philosophical questions. I did not see any way out. Being buried in debt and not having any real career options sucks; but what made it truly unbearable was the feeling that it would never get better, and would only keep getting worse. It felt as if I would never get out of debt, or get another chance to work on something truly meaningful again, or feel proud of myself, or be able to maintain a serious relationship. There was a chance that I would not even have anywhere to live. I didn’t believe that any woman would want to be with a guy who was a broke deadbeat. Friends of mine were having bachelor parties and weddings, and I’d have to tell them that I could not afford to go. What a bad friend and a buzz kill I’d become. It had me feeling like I had nothing left to live for. All I could see was misery for the foreseeable future.
After the fateful night I described in chapter one, I regained a little glimmer of hope. I stopped worrying about meeting any of the expectations I had for my life, and stopped worrying about outside judgments as well. All I could do was just be, and so that’s what I did. I realized that living in the same homeless shelter where I applied for a job several months earlier was an actual possibility, and accepted that if it happened, life could continue to go on. Luckily for me, I received a few invitations to crash on people’s couches while I got back on my feet. I sold or gave away nearly all of my belongings other than my laptop, phone, and two suitcases full of clothing, and said farewell to southern California.
It's All My Fault: How I Messed Up the World, and Why I Need Your Help to Fix It Page 10
