by Fleur Smith
What if I’d stayed? Fought alongside Clay against his brother and father? I might have lost Clay anyway. Or my life.
Allowing my libido and innocence to take over my decisions the last time we were there had cost me so much. When it had gone bad, I’d run from the place so fast, with barely a backward glance.
Guilt twisted inside me, as a multitude of other scenarios formed in my mind. Both Clay and I could have been happy, but there was no guarantee that things would be any different. Now that I knew what the sunbird was capable of when forced into a corner and trapped, I understood things could have been far worse. Everyone in the building could have lost their lives; Clay, his father, his brother, and I could have all died. Clay could have survived and hated me for a range of different reasons. My own words from years earlier filtered back into my mind:
“Living with ‘what-ifs’ will only put you in danger.”
I sank to the floor and forced my nails into the palms of my hands to stop myself from crying. If Clay had truly lured me here as a trap, I wouldn’t allow him to find me curled on the floor claimed by my tears. He would learn that I still had some strength left in me. If he was able to take my life, it would be on my terms.
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
JUST BEFORE FOUR o’clock, the clang of the giant metal door filled the air. The sound pierced the silence that surrounded me like the fall of a guillotine. My heart raced and a lump grew in my throat. In just a few moments time I would be face-to-face with someone who’d sworn they would never forgive me. Despite the longing that had permeated through his voice during the phone call, I knew that he was still a trained killer. I had nothing to protect myself with but my ability to make things burn, and I wasn’t even sure I would be able to use that against him.
You will if you need to.
“No,” I murmured.
You will if he tries to kill you.
I shook my head to silence the sunbird. She was usually the one who whispered to me to not give up on love, yet she was the part of me that I couldn’t control. From minute to minute, I was barely able to understand her reactions to events, and yet I trusted the peace she gave me. I wished in that moment I could silence her.
Clay’s footsteps echoed in the stillness, and I counted them, knowing his longer stride would mean that he’d get to the middle much quicker than I had.
“I won’t hurt him,” I whispered vehemently to the empty room. It was a warning to the sunbird.
As the seconds ticked by, I contemplated just how stupid a move it was agreeing to meet Clay at all, let alone in a place so full of memories and with no easy escape. Again, I was reminded that it might not be just my life at stake. The abandoned warehouse might end up as the final resting place for either one of us. Or maybe even both of us.
The moment he’d passed through that metal door, he blocked the only exit to the building that wasn’t boarded closed. The sunbird would make me fight tooth and nail to be released from the space if we were trapped.
Each second dragged into eternity before the footfalls grew louder, until they paused right outside the inner-sanctum that I was in. A minute passed, and then another. He was just as hesitant to come through the door as I was for him to open it.
My fingers tingled and ached.
I was drawn toward the door and could only barely resist following the call.
Open it.
Don’t open it.
Open it.
The words chased each other around my mind as I swallowed down the lump in my throat. My skin flamed with fear, and nerves caused the flutters in the pit of my stomach to intensify.
Eventually though, there was a loud exhale. Then the doorknob turned.
Holding my breath, I watched as the door opened.
What should I expect?
As the gap in the door widened, my muscles tightened and prepared for a fight. The familiar sensation of heat rushed down my arms, concentrating in my fingertips.
I’m ready, the sunbird whispered.
“I’m not sure I am,” I whispered back almost inaudibly.
The moment Clay stepped into the room, the fight left my body in a rush.
The changes in the man I loved were so stark that it took me a moment to process what I was seeing. The bulk he’d shown when we had last met had all but wasted away. While his chest and shoulders had once been broad and proud, his clothes now hung from his waif-like frame like sails waiting for the wind to claim them.
Guilt overtook me as he edged into the room step by step. Had I been the cause of all of those changes in him?
The muscles on his limbs, though still wiry and worn down, looked as though they were just beginning to be rebuilt. His once-tanned skin was chalky and pale. It was almost as if he’d been hidden away and hadn’t seen daylight in months. The stubble that had lined his jaw had given way to a longer beard that seemed groomed only for hygiene and not appearance. His hair was so long that it skimmed the top of his shoulders in places and curled slightly at the ends.
Dark circles ran under his eyes, and his guarded gaze appraised me with caution as he stepped closer. He looked almost afraid, not at all like the angry soldier I’d expected to see. It was instantly apparent that he wasn’t the hardened and hate-filled man I’d assumed he’d become while I’d run from his persistent hunt. It made my heart ache for him.
He pulled a backpack from his back and let it drop to the floor before moving toward me with slow, deliberate steps. It was as if cornering a dangerous animal that was waiting for the right moment to attack. His assessment wasn’t entirely inaccurate, and I understood it given what had happened to his sister. I was dangerous. He knew that as well as I did.
In response, I made a conscious decision to loosen my stance and relax my shoulders. There was no point in forcing him to make a rash decision to hurt me. The tingling in my arms and fingers dissipated almost instantly.
I won’t hurt him, I thought again, more certain of it this time.
Any threat I’d imagined whenever I thought of the reunion left me in an instant, replaced by concern for his wellbeing. Despite being clean and presentable enough, his clothes were threadbare and dirty. His chalky pallor and thin frame made him look like he was in desperate need of some sun and a few decent meals.
I noted each of the changes in him, and as I did, a thousand questions leaped to my tongue. I wanted to know what had happened to him in the time since I’d last seen him. It was clear he hadn’t been looking after himself very well, but then, I realized, neither had I.
“You look good,” he said cautiously.
“So do you,” I said and it was true. Despite the changes to his appearance, he was still the boy who’d captured my heart and the man I’d fallen in love with.
The corners of his lips curled into a tiny smile that seemed to scream “bullshit” before he scoffed. “I look like shit.”
Moving closer to him, my fingers itched to reach out and touch him, but I held back, unsure of how he would react.
I shook my head. “You look tired but still good.”
He ran his fingers through his almost shoulder-length hair. The lengths were lighter than his hair usually appeared, almost chocolate. “I haven’t really been taking care of myself like I should.”
A cautious smile crept across my face. “Yeah, I know the feeling.”
His eyes assessed me again, examining my face in more depth. His mouth formed a hard line at what he saw. I wondered exactly what it was that concerned him. Was it my own thin frame, the heavy circles under my eyes, or the litany of new scars that were visible on the slivers of skin exposed at my wrists and on my neck?
“How have you been?” he asked. The question itself was so light, and yet the weight the words carried as they left him made it anything but.
I shrugged. “The same as always.”
He assessed my words carefully before frowning again. “You must regret the day we ever met.”
The sadness in his voice broke my heart all o
ver again. He wasn’t the unsentimental hunter I’d envisaged every time I’d thought of him. Instead, he was almost fragile. As if the slightest harsh word from me would shatter him.
I paused to consider his statement. “Despite everything, I don’t think I could ever regret that,” I said after careful thought. I wanted him to know the truth. “I could never regret . . . you or what we had.”
His hand had been rising steadily toward me as I spoke, but fell at my last words. Lifting his gaze, he met my eyes, and whatever he found there steeled his resolve. With more confidence, he raised his hand and silently begged for permission. I barely managed to nod in response before his fingers grazed my cheek.
As he stroked my face, I exhaled all of the doubt that I’d had over the meeting. There was nothing to convince me that it was a trap anymore. It was just him and me and a long overdue reunion. He seemed as cautious as I was, and yet his touch hadn’t changed despite the time we’d been apart.
Closing my eyes, I concentrated on the gentle caress of his fingers against the side of my face, letting the sensation permeate deep into my heart. None of the stuff that had come before mattered. We were exactly where we were meant to be.
“You’re such a beautiful woman, Evie.” His voice was closer than I’d expected, causing me to jump in surprise. I squeezed my eyes closed even tighter, unsure of the sentiment or how to react to it.
Despite my certainty that I was safe, my mind offered up all of the instances of him hunting me again as a reminder not to let my guard down completely.
“Why are you being so sweet?” I asked as I tried to fight back the tears that threatened to overwhelm me.
“Why wouldn’t I be?” he asked, surprised. “I’ve never stopped loving you, even if you didn’t want to be with me. Even when you ran from me, I couldn’t stop . . . I didn’t even really want to try.”
Opening my eyes again, I hoped to see something in his that would help me make sense of it all, but he’d screwed them closed. His forehead was less than an inch away from resting on mine; we were close enough that we were sharing each other’s air. It took me a moment to assess his words.
“But . . . Louise,” I said her name as if it were the answer to everything, the key to the reason we’d spent so many months apart. The justification for all of the horrible things that I’d had to learn how to do in that time in order to survive alone for just one more day at a time.
His breaths grew shaky as he opened his eyes to meet mine. “I know. She almost killed you, and I don’t blame you for hating me for it. She’s my sister, after all. My own fucking family.”
His words shocked me, hitting me harder than physical blows ever could. “I never hated you,” I breathed.
For a few tiny moments, I thought I did, but that was years ago and since then his name had been wrapped around my heart so tightly. Even when I’d resisted it, even when I’d struggled against that love in order to survive, it had remained there. Always there, simmering just below the surface. It was what had made me want to stop, but also what kept me running. “I could never hate you. I—I thought you blamed me for her death.”
“I never did.”
“But you told me, at the hospital, you said—”
“When you were in hospital the guards wouldn’t let anyone see you,” he interrupted.
“But you were there. I heard you.”
He sighed. “I was there once. I just had to see you because you were so close to . . .” he trailed off and closed his eyes for a moment. “I snuck in. No one knew I was there.”
I shook my head with vigor as I tried to douse the panic that was rising in me. I’d heard the words he uttered. “I heard you talking. You spoke to me.”
“I didn’t say a word to you. I couldn’t. You were in a coma.” His voice was an angry whisper. “Dad called while I was with you to find out where I was. He was so desperate to get me back at his side every fucking second so that I didn’t do anything stupid like sweep you into my arms and disappear again. I was so mad at him. I thought he was the one who’d attacked you—he let me think that. And you were sick. Too sick to risk moving.” Darkness lingered in his gaze as he stared at me, his eyes boring into the past.
“But you told me you’d never forgive me if she died.”
“Never!” He shook his head and caressed my cheek. “I told Dad that I’d never forgive him if you didn’t pull through. You were . . .” his voice faltered. “You almost fucking died, Evie.” His voice cracked as he said the words.
“I never knew you felt that way,” I said, disbelief stealing my volume. The revelation was worlds away from anything I had imagined. I shook my head again and closed my eyes. He didn’t hate me? He hadn’t been hunting me? My world spun on its axis, and it took everything in me just to stay upright.
“It was only later that I found out it was actually Louise.” He laughed darkly. “You can’t even imagine what it’s like to hate someone and mourn them all at the same time.
“I was at her memorial.” His gaze lifted to meet mine. “The day that you left, that’s where I was. I had to stand up and give a stupid speech about how wonderful she was and about the incredible service she did for the Rain. They promised to save your life if I did it, but the whole time I just wanted to be sick. There was nothing more that I wanted in that moment than to be holding you by my side in our happy life back in Detroit.
“I found out later that they’d never intended to keep their bullshit promises. They just wanted you alive so they could pass you on to the Assessors to work their magic.” The words were said with barely concealed disgust.
“Assessors?” The way he said the word was heavy, filled with ominous overtones that made my fire crawl over my skin.
He shook his head. “You really don’t want to know.”
Reaching out for his hand, I held it tightly, rubbing my thumb soothingly across his skin. Tears pooled around his lashes but remained unshed.
“If I’d known that you’d lea—” he cut off with a choking sound. He cleared his throat and tried again. “When I found out you’d run from the hospital, I figured you didn’t want to be around me anymore—that you finally understood the danger that I’d put you in. That you blamed me for my family’s actions, and I got it.”
His voice held the same robotic tone it had years ago when he’d talked about his sister’s suffering at the hands of the fae, and I knew he’d taken so much of the blame for the things that happened between us on himself. I wanted to soothe away his misplaced remorse. Wanting to explain myself again, I opened my mouth, but he pressed on before I had the chance.
“I wasn’t ready to give up on us so easily. So, I tried to find you. I flagged all of the cards I knew you had and eventually two red-lighted in Missouri. I risked everything, including my family following me again, just to track you down. I was in a dark place and willing to destroy them all just to be with you. But when I got there, it all went wrong.”
He raked his hands through his hair and turned away from me. I wanted him to turn back, but I didn’t dare break whatever trail his thoughts were taking.
“The chick at the front desk was being so unhelpful, and I had to tell her terrible things to get her to tell me whether you were even there. When I was able to convince her to take me to your room, I found all of your things there but not you. I heard my car start and raced out to see who the hell would risk stealing it and, well,” he choked out as he swung back to look at me. “You know the rest. I got the message loud and clear.” He shrugged as if it didn’t matter, but in his eyes I could see the truth. I’d hurt him. So much.
My body shook as I thought of the image of his face that had been ingrained in my mind for almost two years; the one that had replayed over and over in my dreams. I’d been so certain that his angry expression was meant for at me, but now he was telling me it wasn’t.
I closed my eyes and thought about the moment I’d driven away in his car, trying to put myself in the position he’d been in. Desper
ate and wanting a reunion with his love. The anger he’d shown was the same one that had caused me to burn his car and break a car window years ago. It was an anger I’d experienced often enough to easily comprehend it. The rage at the unfairness of it all. A lump filled my throat, and I struggled to breathe around it. Swallowing hard, I tried to shift it, but it was useless.
“I realized I could never have you, but I couldn’t stay with my family either. As soon as I could break away from the Rain, I left. I did the only thing I could think of. I traveled. I went to Europe. I followed every lead I could. Eventually, I found texts and artifacts that, after I was able to have them translated, described the sunbird that came to Earth—the one you’re descended from.” His gaze softened, and he offered a small smile.
There was something in his tone that indicated there was more to his story than he was saying, but I couldn’t question him on it because my mind was spinning with the revelation that not only had Clay not been hunting me, he had, in fact, been trying to help me.
“It took a long time and a whole pile of favors to translate them all, but I did it. I needed to know.” He reached out and caressed my face softly again. “I needed to know that you’d be safe. And then, when I realized you wouldn’t be, I had to find you and warn you.”
I was still numb with disbelief. I blinked, and then my own confession rushed from me. “I’ve run for so long because I thought you were hunting me.”
“I haven’t been.” His eyes shot to mine, panic and confusion filling their depths as he considered my words. His demeanor shifted and a glimpse of the hunter he’d once been shone clearly through his gentle facade. “Are you sure you’re still being tracked?”
I snorted in disbelief that he could even ask that after everything that had happened. “I’ve had more than a few close calls since I left the hospital. One or two very close.”
“What happened?” He twisted his head from side to side, glancing around the room as if he too sensed the malevolent presence that had been watching me so closely ever since I’d run from him.
