Ralph's Party

by Lisa Jewell

  Siobhan was having the best time ever. Rick thought she was marvellous, and her confidence was sky-high: she knew she was being funny, funnier than Tamsin, and she was thrilled to find that she hadn’t lost the ability to flirt, to twist men around her little finger. Rick was hers, and she sat close to him on the sofa, her arm draped carelessly behind his back, not touching, but possessing him none the less. She’d forgotten how good it felt to be the centre of attention.

  Finally the hilarity began to die down. It was early morning, the coke was wearing off and the conversation began to pall. Siobhan got up and stretched.

  ‘Do you think we’ve got enough stuff?’ she asked Rick.

  ‘We’ve got enough stuff to last us the next five years,’ he replied happily.

  ‘Well, I need some fresh air,’ she said.

  ‘That’s an excellent idea,’ Rick said, standing up quickly. ‘Let me get my coat – I’ll come with you. Are you coming?’ He turned to Karl and Tamsin, as an afterthought.

  Siobhan went up to her room to fetch her sheepskin jacket. She checked her reflection quickly in the mirror and tidied up her hair, smoothed her eyebrows and applied a little more lipstick. Adrenalin was coursing through her. What was going to happen? Would Rick try it on? How would she react? She thought of Karl and then quickly put him to the back of her mind. She’d go with the flow, see what happened – the worst thing that could happen was a kiss; it was too cold outside for anything else.

  The night air hit them like a cold shower as they closed the chapel door. A wind had picked up now, a gentle low wind that whipped around their legs like a cold, ghostly cat. They wandered in silence towards the banks of the loch and sat down on the wooden steps leading to the jetty, listening to the windchimes and hugging their clothes to them to keep warm.

  ‘Blissful, isn’t it?’ murmured Rick.

  ‘Heavenly,’ agreed Siobhan, her elbows on her knees, her face in her hands, watching the loch rippling in the pink glow of the Chinese lanterns.

  ‘You could fall in love here.’

  Siobhan bristled slightly. ‘Yes,’ she said, ‘I suppose you could.’

  They fell silent again.

  Rick cleared his throat. ‘You’re a wonderful girl, Siobhan, really you are. I’ve never met anyone like you before. Karl’s a very lucky man.’

  ‘I don’t think he sees it like that,’ she said with a nervous laugh.

  ‘Oh, no,’ said Rick, ‘he thinks you’re marvellous. He talks about you a lot – he made you sound amazing and he wasn’t exaggerating.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Siobhan, ‘well …’ She was embarrassed.

  ‘No, really, I think you’re gorgeous …’ he stopped, ‘Do you mind me talking like this?’

  ‘Oh, no, please carry on. I’m not going to look a gift compliment in the mouth.’ She couldn’t look at Rick, he’d see her vulnerability.

  ‘I just think you’re … you’re … stunning. You’re so funny and, and warm and clever and beautiful. God, I shouldn’t say this, Siobhan, but if I was single and you were single …’

  She turned to face him.

  ‘Go on,’ she said.

  ‘Well, you know, if I was single and you … you were single, I’d just love to kiss you now.’

  Siobhan’s whole body was tingling with excitement and nerves. A flush was rising from her lap to her face.

  ‘Do you think that would be wrong?’ he asked, his body turned completely towards hers, his eyes searching her face for approval.

  ‘Well, we could always try it and see if it felt wrong and then we could stop it if it did.’

  ‘But what about Karl?’ Rick pushed some stray hairs behind her ear.

  ‘What about Tamsin?’ she replied, every hair on her body to attention as a result of his touch.

  ‘Well, to tell you the truth, we haven’t been getting along so well lately. Tamsin … Tamsin’s not a very stable girl, she’s not a very happy girl. I sometimes think I may have bitten off a little more than I can chew with her. She’s hard work …’ He was stroking her cheek now, with the backs of his fingers. ‘God, you’ve got wonderful skin,’ he whispered, ‘it feels like satin.’

  Siobhan’s groin felt like it had been plugged into the mains. She groaned softly.

  Rick brought his face towards hers. ‘Just like a child’s skin.’ He rubbed his nose gently along her forehead, teasing her with his lips. He held her neck with his hand and massaged her jawbone with his thumb. Finally his lips met hers and Siobhan succumbed, turning around to meet his body and his lips, goosebumps and tingles and deep hot flashes of sexual excitement and lust suffusing her body. She hadn’t felt like this for years. She opened her mouth to allow Rick’s tongue to caress hers. His lips were soft and warm, and his breath tasted of red wine and fresh air. Oh, God, French kissing was good. Why did people stop doing it after they got to know each other? Why was such an intimate and erotic act reserved mainly for strangers? She wound her tongue around his and up around his teeth, pressing her body against him as he leant her back against the steps and started to move his hands inside her coat and over the silky fabric of her tunic. She pulled his shirt out of his jeans and caressed the skin on his back, appreciating the solid feel of the muscle underneath and the tension, knowing it was his desire for her that was making him feel so good.

  She was lost in their kiss, entirely oblivious to the windchimes and the owls, and to Karl, a few hundred feet away from her, inside the chapel. Rick moved his hands under her top and towards her bra. He let out a stifled moan as his hands found her breasts. Siobhan could feel his frustration at the fabric that encased them and sloped her shoulders slightly to enable him to slip the straps off and pull it down. Rick moaned again as his hands felt the bare flesh flow from her bra, she felt his excitement and she could understand it, two huge breasts in his hands: if she were a man she would be excited. He kneaded them gently, still kissing her, his tongue growing wilder and wilder in her mouth, her lips feeling wonderfully raw and sore. She wanted him to kiss her until they bled.

  Suddenly he tore his lips away from hers and buried his head inside her coat, under her tunic, between her breasts. He was sighing and groaning and licking her breasts and sucking her nipples. ‘Oh, God, Siobhan,’ he kept saying. ‘Oh, God, Siobhan.’

  Siobhan bent slightly to watch him – she’d been staring at the stars, lost in desire and lust – and as her gaze fell upon the top of his head, his sandy blond hair glowing peach in the lamplight, the spell broke. What the hell was she doing? Why was she letting this man suck her nipples, this man with blond hair? For fifteen years she’d looked down on Karl’s black mop, my God –Karl! – what was she doing?

  Suddenly she was sober and she was cold, physically cold. Rick’s hands were sliding down her body, towards the elasticated waist of her trousers, his fingers pulling at it, feeling their way down to the top of her knickers, but she was fully conscious now, wide awake, aware of her surroundings and her circumstances. She was with another man, on the banks of a loch on a sharp December night, her hair was unravelling, her back was aching, she was cold. She felt the last glimmer of passion desert her and anxiety begin to set in. Her body tensed and she pulled back slightly, wanting Rick to calm down too, wanting him to stop but not wanting to tell him to. She looked down at him again; he was completely consumed, carried away, he wasn’t aware of Siobhan’s change of mood. This was all wrong, all wrong, it was just supposed to be a kiss – she could’ve covered up a kiss, walked back into the chapel still feeling confident and in control. This was getting out of control, how could she hide this from Karl? This was all wrong! Oh, shit! What had she done?!

  She sat up, and Rick moved his head from between her breasts and tried to find her mouth again. ‘Oh, Siobhan, I want you,’ he picked up her hand and put it to his groin. ‘Feel how much I want you.’

  That was it.

  ‘Rick!’ she said firmly, ‘we’ve got to stop.’

  ‘Oh, no, Siobhan, we’ve got to carry on. I want
to be inside you, you feel so good, you smell so good,’ he rubbed her hand up and down the solid shaft inside his jeans.

  She pulled her hand away, pulled up her bra and her tunic, closed her coat. ‘No, Rick, we’ve got to stop. Karl and Tamsin are in there. What if they come out and find us?’

  ‘We can hide somewhere – let’s go into the woods.’ His hand still rested on her knickers.

  She pulled his hand away gently. ‘No, that’s enough. I want to, I really do want to, but I can’t, we can’t. It’s not right.’ She tried to smooth down her hair.

  Rick’s face wore the expression of a thwarted schoolboy who’d kicked his football into a forbidden garden. Siobhan took his hands in hers. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said gently, ‘if circumstances had been different, if we weren’t here, if I didn’t have Karl and you didn’t have Tamsin … but, thank you.’

  ‘What for?’ asked Rick incredulously.

  ‘Thank you for wanting me, for making me feel sexy and beautiful.’

  ‘Why would you need me to make you feel sexy and beautiful? You are sexy and beautiful!’ he said, kissing her hands.

  ‘I don’t feel it, Rick, but you made me feel it. I didn’t used to be this fat, you know, I used to be slim. I’m not used to it.’

  ‘You’re not fat!’

  ‘Oh, Rick, don’t be such a typical man. Of course I’m fat.’

  ‘OΚ, so you’re not Kate Moss, but you’ve got a lovely body, really you have. It’s … it’s soft and warm and it smells good and it feels good and, OK, it might not look great in a mini skirt, but it looks great to me, like a real woman’s. The first girl I had sex with was round and sexy. She was called Drew, and she was so pretty and full of life and love, and I’ve never really stopped loving her, you know. People are just prejudiced, Siobhan, because maybe they’ve never had a chance to really appreciate someone who doesn’t conform to the ideal. Well, as far as I’m concerned, they don’t know what they’re missing. I mean, look at Tamsin, she’s tiny and she looks great in Lycra and all that, but sex is just, you know – it’s just not all that exciting, she’s very unconfident, restrained. I’d rather have a big woman who loved it than a skinny woman who wasn’t too bothered. And besides, you’re firm, you’re not all flabby. I think that’s perfect.’ He kissed her cheek. ‘I think you’re perfect.’

  Siobhan smiled a small smile and squeezed Rick’s hands.

  ‘Thank you,’ she said again, fighting back a little tear, ‘thank you, you’re a very, very nice person.’

  ‘So, is that it then?’ He smiled. ‘I have a feeling I’ve just been therapy for you.’

  Siobhan felt bad. ‘Oh, no, I mean … well … I’d love to get to know you better … but, well … you know …’

  ‘Yes, I think I do. You really love Karl, don’t you?’

  She nodded.

  ‘So why all this? What was this all about?’ he asked tenderly.

  ‘Oh, God. I’m not sure any more. I thought he was interested in someone else. Well, I still do actually. I think. I don’t know. I just thought he was changing, going off me, didn’t fancy me any more. I’ve been feeling so insecure, incredibly insecure …’

  ‘Have you spoken to Karl about it?’ Rick pulled her jacket closer around her as a gust of wind hit them from the surface of the water.

  ‘No, I just can’t. I’ve got some kind of block, I don’t know where to start. I’ve always been so confident and I don’t know if Karl could cope with me being like this, knowing the truth about how I feel.’

  ‘Look, Siobhan. I don’t know Karl very well, but from what I’ve seen and the way he looks at you and talks about you, he could cope. What he won’t be able to cope with is you not telling him. I wish things could be different, I really do. I wish I could have taken you into the woods and made love to you all night and then taken you home with me and made love to you some more, but things aren’t like that, so I think you should use what’s just happened here as a chance for a new start with Karl. Talk to him, tell him how you feel before it’s too late.’ He looked into her eyes seriously. ‘Really, I mean it. Don’t put it off – do it now, tonight, while you’re feeling like this, now! Come on, let’s go inside.’

  They stood up and tidied themselves and slowly walked back towards the chapel.

  ‘Thanks,’ said Tamsin awkwardly to Karl’s back as he poked at the fire. He turned around. ‘Thanks for not saying anything earlier on, you know, about last summer. I was … it was … a strange time …’ She brought a bitten fingernail to her mouth and began to chew.

  ‘Hey. Forget about it. It’s none of my business.’

  They sat in silence for a second.

  ‘I wonder where they’ve gone,’ said Tamsin, as pleasantly as she could.

  ‘Oh, they’re probably looking at the view or something,’ said Karl, sitting back on the sofa.

  ‘Aren’t you worried?’ she asked impatiently.

  ‘No – why should I be? Rick’s with her, he’ll look after her.’

  ‘That’s not what I meant. For Christ’s sake, haven’t you noticed what’s been going on tonight?’

  Karl looked blank.

  ‘Your girlfriend. Flirting with my boyfriend. Blatantly. Don’t tell me you haven’t noticed anything.’

  ‘Oh, that’s nothing to worry about. Siobhan always used to be a terrible flirt, it doesn’t mean anything. I’m just glad to see her enjoying herself for once.’

  All the resentment Tamsin had been swallowing that night was starting to erupt. ‘God, you really are stupid, aren’t you! That wasn’t just flirting, that was a fucking mating ritual going on in front of your very eyes. They’re probably out there fucking each other’s brains out right now!’

  Karl laughed. ‘I think you’re being a bit paranoid, if you don’t mind me saying so. I think you’ve probably had a bit too much coke and booze.’

  ‘Look, why don’t we go out and see for ourselves!’ she shouted, jumping to her feet.

  ‘Sit down, for Christ’s sake. You’re being ridiculous. Just because you don’t trust your boyfriend …’

  ‘This has got nothing to do with not trusting my boyfriend! It’s your fucking girlfriend I don’t trust. She’s like a bloody black widow, all over him all night, spinning a web around him, like a great fat predator!’

  ‘God, you’re mad!’ said Karl calmly. ‘Siobhan is the sweetest, nicest, warmest person I’ve ever known and you’re just jealous. And you should learn to trust your boyfriend.’

  Karl’s easygoing attitude and condescending manner were pushing Tamsin over the edge. ‘That’s it! I’m telling her! When she gets back, I’m telling her. About you. I know about you.’ There was a wild glint in her eyes as she stabbed the air above her with a finger to accentuate her point. ‘You tell me I should trust my boyfriend! You fucking hypocrite! Why should I trust anyone when there are men like you around? Adulterous, slimy, two-faced, dick-led creeps who’ll fuck anything with a decent pair of legs!’

  Karl should have known this was coming.

  ‘Oh, yes – you think no one knew about you and Cheri in the office at the dance club? Did you think we were all stupid?! Cheri told me all about it. All the sordid details. She told me about the abortion, too – your baby that she had to get rid of. What makes you think Siobhan’s any different to Cheri? What makes you think I should believe that Rick’s any different to you?! It’s what makes the world go round, you smug arsehole – sex, sex, sex! Siobhan wants it, you want it, Rick wants it, we all want it, and you can’t trust anyone. So don’t sit there telling me I’m paranoid, thinking that you’re any different to anyone else, ’cos you’re not. Wake up and smell the coffee, dick-for-brains: your girlfriend wants to have sex with my boyfriend and they’re probably doing it right now!’ Tamsin was crying, angry tears. ‘And if they’re not doing it they’re sure as hell thinking about doing it!’

  Karl adjusted himself in his seat and eyed Tamsin thoughtfully. He was still utterly collected.

  ‘I have t
o say that I am not at all comfortable with the concept of blackmail,’ he began, ‘so let’s just call this a deal, OK? But, if you even so much as think about mentioning my affair with Cheri to Siobhan, there are some things I could tell Rick over lunch one day that I feel sure you’d rather he didn’t know about.’

  ‘Huh!’ said Tamsin, wiping at her tears, ‘you don’t really know anything. You can’t prove anything.’

  ‘OΚ, OK. Look, I’m not stupid either, y’know. Everyone knew what you were up to. Those two French guys couldn’t keep their mouths shut about your little rosbif-sandwich interlude. There’s no point going into this any more than necessary. As I say, this is a deal. I think we should just drop the subject now. If you’re really that worried, then why don’t you go and have a look outside, but I can assure you, it’ll only make you feel worse about yourself. Trusting people has nothing to do with other people, it’s in here’ – he pointed at his head – ‘and you can call it complacency, or smugness, but I call it dignity and happiness. I call it the only way to get through life and stay sane.’

  Tamsin couldn’t think of anything to say to that.

  ‘Well, it doesn’t look like we’re going to be able to make any more small talk tonight, so I may as well go to bed,’ said Karl. ‘I’m very sorry things got a bit unpleasant there – I guess it’s been a long day and a long night. Do you think we could make a fresh start in the morning?’

  Tamsin shrugged and stared at the floor.

  Karl put out his hand to shake hers. She gave him hers, limply.

  ‘Whatever will be will be, Tamsin. Sleep tight.’