Back to Me

by Lindsay Paige

  With a sigh, I quickly clean up the kitchen. I lie down on the couch to watch TV when she reenters the room, now wearing shorts and a T-shirt. I hold out my hand for her to lie with me. My fingers immediately begin playing with strands of her hair, running through it or twirling it around my forefinger. I’ve always loved her hair. It’s the perfect shade of brown to make those dark green eyes stand out.

  What happened at dinner keeps replaying in my mind. I don’t think I can let it go. I keep my voice low and gentle, not wanting her to close up on me. “What happened when you didn’t think you had someone to lean on? What were you talking about?”

  It’s like I pressed a button to cause her body to lock up on me, all her muscles tensing and her chest pausing mid-breath. “Nothing,” she answers in this weak voice.

  My eyes squeeze closed. It’s a struggle to keep my voice even, and I can’t help the undercurrent of anger. “Don’t lie to me, Meredith.” She doesn’t say anything for a few painful moments, and I sigh heavily as the anger fades to leave the heart of my emotions behind: fear. “How are we going to work if you won’t talk to me? You came back to me to put your life together. You want me to help make you better. How can I do that if you’re not telling me what I need to know, so I can help? Do you not trust me? I don’t understand.”

  Meredith lifts her head and places a finger over my lips to make me stop. She looks even more pained than before. Her eyes are watery, then tears give way to tumble onto her cheeks. I reach up to wipe them away.

  “I trust you. It’s nothing like that, Noah, I promise.” Her eyes drop to where the tattoo is underneath my shirt. “I’m not ready to talk about it yet.”

  “Not ready to talk about it with me?” I ask, hoping that’s she’s talked to her mom, even though I know she hasn’t.

  “With anyone.”

  Fuck. It has to be something big because she’s still crying. Those few simple tears have become more frequent, her breathing is shaky, and she’s trying to hold it together. She’s struggling when all she has to do is tell me, so I can better comfort her. I wait. I wait for her to make that decision to confide in me and let me into her past. It looks like I’ll be waiting awhile.

  “You’ll tell me when you’re ready?”

  She nods, but it doesn’t bring me any comfort. However, I need to trust that she’ll keep her word.

  “Okay. If you need a shoulder to cry on, I’m here, no questions asked.”

  A dam within her breaks with my words. Meredith breaks. She’s crying worse than she did when she first told me about everything that’s gone wrong. She scoots up my body, just a bit, to press her face against my neck, and I wrap my arms tightly around her. I’ve never seen her so...broken. Her sobs rack her entire torso. God, I wish I could demand she tell me. Holding her can only do so much. It’s a temporary fix and I want a long-term solution. I want us to be the long-term solution.

  “Ssh,” I whisper, rubbing my hands down her back. “It’s okay.” She shakes her head into my neck. “Yes, it is. You know why? Because you’re with me and we’re going to make it okay.” I turn to kiss her forehead, letting my lips brush against her skin. “I’m here. I’m always here for you, Mere.”

  Her cries turn into hiccups. We lie like that for a long time before she speaks. “What’s the worst thing to ever happen to you?”

  Her question surprises me, but it also clues me in to whatever this secret is. She considers it the worst thing to ever happen to her? Including getting injured, having a successful surgery, only to mess up her shoulder again three days later when she and Vance were in a car accident?

  I don’t have to think about my answer because I know what it is. “Watching you walk away from me.”

  A defeated whoosh of air hits my neck. “Way to make me feel worse, Noah,” she humorlessly laughs.

  “I don’t want you to feel worse, but I’m not going to lie to you either. It was difficult, but I don’t regret it. Doesn’t mean it hurt any less. For about six months, I called my mom and complained about how much I missed you.”

  This gets her attention and she props herself up with her arms on my chest. “Really?”

  “Yeah,” I say, wiping away the wetness. “Didn’t you tell someone how much you missed me?”

  She nods. “My mom. I guess I always thought you handled it well.”

  I raise an eyebrow at her. “Why would you think that? Don’t you remember what happened when you came to visit me that one time in college?”

  Meredith leans into one of my hands, closing her eyes as if recalling the memory. “You nearly cracked a rib, you were holding onto me so tightly, and you kept asking for just one more minute.” Her eyes open. “I heard your voice in my head for such a long time after that.” She glances down and those eyes flash up at me again. “I came back to see you after that.”

  “What? When?” I never saw her again. I don’t understand.

  “End of your sophomore year. I was able to get enough information from your mom to figure out where I could find you. I waited around on a bench in the courtyard near your dorm, far enough away that you wouldn’t notice me, but close enough that I could spot you. I was there for a few hours before I saw you.”

  I’m still confused. “Why didn’t you come up to me?”

  “You looked happy.” When I tilt my head, still not getting it, she adds, “And you were with a girl. You kissed her. I didn’t want to intrude and ruin anything.”

  All of a sudden, it hits me. “A redhead?” I ask, hoping she’s not talking about the day I think she is.

  “Yeah.”

  I lean my head back and stare at the ceiling. I know exactly what day she’s speaking of. Damn it. “That’s fucked up, Mere.” I groan, frustrated with the knowledge that I was right, that she was so close, and I managed to push her away.

  “Why?” she whispers.

  “I still thought about you, more than I probably should have at that point, but I was dating. That girl? She was a great girl. We had gone on a few dates, but for some reason, I was thinking about you more than usual. I wanted to call you and make sure you were okay because I was worried. Then I was irritated with myself because if you wanted to be there, you would’ve been, and in the mean time, there was this fantastic chick in front of me who liked me. We had that weirdness between us where we weren’t sure if things were going to go further that night or not.

  “I saw you. I fucking saw you and thought I was losing my mind. That you couldn’t have possibly been there and that I just needed to focus on who was. So, I kissed her like I had done on our last date and asked her if she wanted to go up to my dorm. That was the last date we had, because I was still thinking about you so damn much, I,” I wince just thinking about it, “said your name. God, I felt like such a dick. I thought I was going crazy. After that, I was more committed with moving forward.”

  “I’m sorry,” she tells me quietly. “I guess I was fucking things up long before I realized it.”

  I sigh. “Don’t be sorry. She started dating a teammate soon after. They’re married now, so it all worked out.” My hands move down to her waist and I squeeze. “I just hate that you were right there. Why did you come?”

  “My week was terrible, I missed you, and I really wanted to see you.” She rests her head on my chest again. “You really don’t regret it?”

  “No, I don’t. I’d rather you leave and do what you thought you needed to do than stay and wonder what would’ve happened if you had left, or to regret staying with me.”

  Meredith doesn’t say anything for a while. I continue to hold her, wondering what she’s thinking. Part of me wants to ask her if she regrets walking away, but I don’t. I fear she’ll say yes, which sounds crazy. But if she does regret it, then it’ll feel like all this time apart was time we could’ve been together. It’ll sting that much more because it would mean we wasted time. I want my time away from her, and her time away from me, to be time well spent because in the end, it led us to where we are right t
his second.

  With her in my arms.

  Meredith finally wiggles away from me and stands. “I wish you had a hot tub, but I’ll settle for your shower.”

  I grab her hand before she can get too far away. “I have an idea. Go pack an overnight bag while I make a phone call.”

  I’m so emotionally exhausted, I don’t know what to do with myself. All I want is a relaxing shower and to go to bed. Noah has other plans. We both have an overnight bag, though I have no clue why. When we get into his SUV, he angles toward me, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a blue tie. I eye him warily and he laughs.

  “Can I? I want it to be a surprise.”

  “It will be, because I don’t know where we’re going,” I point out and look at the tie like it might attack me at any moment. I want to be able to see, to know what’s coming, to be prepared for whatever’s about to happen. If I’m going to crash and burn, I’d like to see it coming. God, why am I overanalyzing something so simple?

  “Do you trust me?”

  “Of course,” I immediately answer.

  He stares at me with these pleading eyes until I sigh and turn away from him. My eyes close on instinct as the tie is placed over my eyes. He ties a knot and sticks two fingers between it and my head. “That okay?” he asks anyway.

  “Yeah.” I carefully turn in my seat.

  Noah laughs when I fumble for the seatbelt. “I’ll do it.”

  My breath hitches when his fingers brush over my breasts as he pulls the seatbelt over me. He laughs again and I hear the click of the seatbelt. “Do you like being blindfolded?” A heady sensation fills me when I hear his voice so close to my ear, his breath tickling my skin.

  “I like my ability to see,” I manage to say.

  He laughs as if he doesn’t believe me. I hear the clinking of keys and the engine rumbles to life. Honestly, I’m not sure if I like this whole not-seeing thing. Yes, it ramps up the excitement because I don’t know what’s coming next, but the planner part of me is itching to remove it, so I can assess the situation and know how to proceed.

  “We need to go on a date soon, Mere,” Noah says, breaking the silence.

  A grin lifts my lips. “Does this mean I get something better than a movie or pizza and the ice rink?” That’s what all of our previous dates consisted of. A movie theater or the local ice rink was the one place our parents would let us go without them. After high school, we were too busy spending time with just the two of us to really go anywhere.

  “What’s wrong with a movie or the ice rink?” he says, mock offended. “Does my woman have higher standards now that we’re all grown up?”

  I giggle. The tension from earlier leaves as I relax into the seat. “Maybe. Will that be a problem?”

  “Nope. You deserve the world, and I’m determined to give it to you.”

  I turn my head to the right, away from him, a smile playing on my lips.

  His laugh rumbles throughout the car. “Just because you can’t see me doesn’t mean I can’t see you.”

  “You shouldn’t be seeing me at all. You’re supposed to be focused on driving. How much longer?” I ask just as the car slows to a stop.

  “We’re here. Sit here for a second, okay? And don’t remove the tie.”

  I start to feel fidgety, but I nod. The engine quiets as he turns it off and then his door opens and closes before the back door does the same. I assume he’s getting our bags. The silence is deafening. My fingers reach up to the tie, running along the bottom of it. I’m so tempted. I really want to obey Noah so he can do this surprise like he wants to. I’m not sure why this is such a problem for me, especially with Noah. I mean, I already flaked out on him today with my outburst of tears and trip down memory lane.

  Slowly, I lower my hand into my lap. An eternity seems to pass before my door opens.

  “It’s me,” Noah reassures when I’m startled. The seatbelt is undone and he grabs me by the hips and helps me out of the car. “We’re going to walk for a bit, okay?” I nod as he interlocks his fingers with mine, shuts the door, and I hear the locks click. He begins walking.

  I do not like this part. I feel like I’m going to trip at any second. It doesn’t help that Noah seems to be walking so damn fast. Does he normally? “Damn it, Noah,” I curse as I stumble.

  “Shit. Sorry, Mere. I forgot to tell you to step up. Here.” His arms move to my back and then hook under my knees as he lifts me into his arms. “I’ll carry you through the dangerous parts.” His tone is teasing, so I laugh instead of freaking out.

  Next, I hear what sounds like doors sliding open. There’s noises, but they’re soft and I can’t distinguish them. Is that running water? The sound fades as another pair of doors opens and then closes. Noah sets me down onto my feet, letting my body slide against his. For a moment, I’m distracted by the sensation. My stomach drops a little and I think we’re in an elevator. Did he drive around only to bring me back to his place? It’s quiet aside from the hum, so I think we’re alone.

  Noah places an open-mouthed kiss on my neck as he tugs on my hips to pull me flush against him. My entire body relaxes into him. His tongue swirls on my skin, weakening my knees, and my breathy moan is a bit too loud for an elevator. Noah’s chest shakes against my back as he laughs.

  “We’re not alone,” he whispers.

  My cheeks heat up and it’s then that I hear a throat clear from nearby. “Sorry,” I squeak to whoever else is here with us. Noah is still laughing under his breath, so I jerk my elbow back into his ribs, enjoying the humph that leaves him.

  There’s a ding and the doors slide open. Noah places his hands on my waist and gently urges me forward. We walk/waddle like this for nineteen steps. Yes, I counted. How can a door close, but not open? It’s a hard, heavy thud, but I swear I didn’t hear it open. His hands slide down, his fingers closing over the hem of my shirt, and he begins to lift. I fold my arms, so he can’t go any further.

  “We’re alone now,” Noah whispers into my ear, humor touching his tone.

  With his confirmation, I lift my arms up. “What are we doing? Where are we?”

  “You’ll see,” is all he says. He places soft kisses across my shoulders as he unhooks my bra next. His fingers trail over my skin from my back to my stomach. The button of my shorts is popped open. Noah’s lips sear their way down my chest to my stomach as he hooks his fingers underneath the waistband. “Help me out a little here.” It takes a moment, but it clicks what he wants and I slip out of my flip-flops. I’m expecting his mouth to go lower, for him to keep kissing me, but once my shorts and panties are removed, nothing happens.

  After a moment, his hand grasps mine and he tugs. Wherever he leads me has a cool floor instead of the carpet we were just standing on. Finally, I feel him tugging at the knot of the tie. When it falls away, all I can manage to do is stare. There’s a dozen flames flickering from the wicks of heavenly-smelling candles, but in front of me is a jacuzzi full of hot, steamy water.

  “Hot tub, jacuzzi, close enough, right?” A naked Noah walks past me and lowers himself into the large tub.

  “How did you do this?” I ask, taking his outstretched hand to step into the tub and sit down in front of him, my back to his chest. God, this water feels so good. So does a naked Noah.

  “I made a phone call. The manager at this hotel is a huge Rebels fan; I’ve stayed here before when I was on other teams and we came to play the Rebels. All I had to do was promise a signed jersey and he got this hotel suite put together for me.”

  I lean my head back against his shoulder and close my eyes. “Thank you, Noah.”

  “Anything for you,” he murmurs, kissing my cheek.

  My mind wanders as we relax. Noah palms his hands over mine and interlocks our fingers, resting our joined hands on my stomach. I’m really surprised he hasn’t tried to take this further already. Maybe that’s another way he’s different than before. We can touch without him getting handsy and suggesting sex.

  “What was your
first thought when you saw me at the airport?” he asks out of the blue.

  “I couldn’t believe you were there. I was about to leave because I had talked myself out of coming, and then there you were. I wondered if it was a sign. Once you sat down next to me on the plane, I didn’t know if I was thrilled you were there and that I still wanted to crawl into your lap to kiss you or stupid to think you’d want me to. When I left, we never talked about what could happen in the future, even though I always figured I’d come back to you. What did you think?”

  “That I wanted to kiss you and never let you out of my sight again. Then I was worried because you hadn’t planned on coming.”

  And now it’s time for a change in subject. I don’t want to talk about everything that’s messed up. “Do you like living here?”

  “Yeah. I’ve lived in a lot of places, and this is definitely the one I love most.”

  “Do you think you’ll stay in Carolina for a while?”

  “I’m hoping I’ll get an extension at the end of this season.” He kisses my neck, moving one of his hands up my body at a tortuously slow pace while the other heads south. “Do you like it here?”

  “Well, it’s not Pittsburgh,” I tease, “but it has its perks.”

  “Yeah? What are those?”

  “Nice weather. Nice hotels with jacuzzis. Great places to shop and explore. Oh, god,” I moan when he dips just his hand between my legs. My hips wiggle when he doesn’t do anything but rest there.

  “Are you forgetting something?”

  “Um.” I pretend to think it over.

  “Mere,” he warns.

  “Oh yeah, there’s this really hot hockey player I’ve met. Maybe you know him.” His fingers slide a little lower and I feel only a little bad about what I’m about to tell him.

  “What’s his name?” He applies some pressure, but waits on my answer.