“We left together. She took me to a rented campsite at one of the parks where she had a pop-up camper. We drank wine coolers, kissed, and engaged in some heavy petting. I had never done anything with anyone and I was terrified of course.”
“And did you two…”
Andi grinned. “Yes.” She looked at their hands entwined and thought of how far away that time in her life seemed. “We had sex. It was awkward at first, but we quickly discovered the secrets we were seeking. It was the first time for both of us. It was our first time for everything.”
“Sounds very romantic”
Andi giggled. “It was.”
She thought back on the memory fondly. Over the years there had been other women of course, some she had loved, and some she had not. She had been hurt more times than she cared to remember. At thirty-five, she was surprised to find herself infatuated with another woman. But thinking of her feelings for Gwen, Andi knew this was much more than simple infatuation. She was on the verge of falling in love with Gwen, and that thought stirred her fear.
She promised herself not to have expectations, not to get too carried away. She promised she would just let things happen with Gwen. She would enjoy this time while she could, until Gwen discovered her secrets. Andi shuddered and tried to push the thought aside. She didn’t want to think of the past. Right now, all she wanted to think about was Gwen in her arms. Right now, she wanted to believe she could have more.
Chapter Eighteen
Andi pushed Gwen away playfully and made her way to her post office box. The past few weeks had been amazing. Gwen had given her reason to hope, a reason to trust, a reason to surrender. The days and nights of exuberantly exploring Gwen’s body, mind, and soul had quieted the demons from her past. She had never known such happiness and had slipped into a state of euphoria. Gwen was unlike any lover she had ever known, always attentive to her needs, so alert to her that it was as if Gwen could sometimes read her mind. Andi’s earlier promises of taking things slow and protecting her heart were quickly discarded as she found herself unable to imagine her life without Gwen securely in her arms.
She gathered her mail and met Gwen at one of the large tables next to a recycle bin set up to discard unwanted junk mail. Halfway through her sorting, Andi froze. The address glared up at her with menacing force. The words Tennessee Department of Corrections were stamped boldly in the upper left hand corner of the envelope. Andi’s blood went cold.
“What is it?” Gwen asked.
Andi felt the color drain from her face and felt the earth fall away from beneath her feet. She grasped the edge of the table for support, trying to keep her world from flying apart.
She took a steadying breath when she felt Gwen’s hand close around her arm and felt Gwen’s palm press against her back. She saw Gwen’s gaze shift to the envelope in her hand and she quickly shuffled the letter in with the rest of the mail. She didn’t want anything about that part of her life touching Gwen, as if ignoring her past could keep Gwen safe. Andi ground her teeth, steeling herself against the knot of fear that was gathering in her gut. She tried to convince herself that the letter was one of the routine correspondences she received once or twice a year. Surely it was nothing. Her heart ached, fearing that wasn’t true. She didn’t want to lose Gwen and the happiness they had found with each other, but there was nothing she wouldn’t do to keep Gwen safe.
Gwen put a hand on Andi’s shoulder. “Andi, are you all right? Is something wrong?”
“No, nothing. Nothing’s wrong,” Andi said, not meeting Gwen’s eyes. “I just got a little dizzy for a minute. It’s nothing.”
“Andi?”
“I’ll be all right,”Andi said, now meeting Gwen’s eyes with the most reassuring gaze she could muster. “I just need to check on a few things. I’m going to get back to the shop. I’ll talk to you later.”
Andi brushed her hand along Gwen’s forearm and gently entwined their fingers, but her hand was cold and sweaty, and when Gwen tried to tighten the embrace, Andi pulled away.
“I’ll call you,” Andi said and made her way hastily out the door.
When she arrived at the shop, Andi shut the door forcefully, the bell above the door clanging against the frame with a harsh clatter. She went to her office and threw the stack of mail into a pile at the corner of her desk. She stared at it. She didn’t know what to do. As long as the envelope remained closed she could pretend everything was okay, that her life could go on as it was, that she and Gwen were safe.
No. Not now. She hadn’t even told Gwen about her past. There was still so much she needed to do, so much she wasn’t ready to give up. She closed the door to the office. She needed time to think.
To her relief, the day was hectic. She spent the afternoon sorting through the deliveries and restocking the shelves. She felt troubled and distracted, and she jumped every time the bell above the door rang when someone walked into the store. She was relieved when it came time to close up and go home for the evening.
Andi turned out the lights and closed and locked the door behind her. When she turned she was surprised to find Gwen waiting for her.
“Hi.” Gwen’s voice was calm and soothing, and Andi wanted to run to her and throw herself into her arms. She wanted to go back to believing they could be together. But fear and reality made her stand her ground. She had no idea what to do.
“I grabbed takeout and a bottle of wine. How about that relaxing evening we talked about earlier?”
Andi hesitated. She brushed her fingers to her lips, trying to fight back the sob that knotted in her throat. “I don’t think I’m really up for company tonight. Can I take a rain check?”
Gwen’s shoulders rose and fell as she pushed out a sigh. “Let me take you home then.”
Andi couldn’t bear the thought of sending Gwen away. “Okay.”
Gwen stepped forward and took Andi’s hand and led her to the SUV. Gwen was unusually quiet, and Andi waited for the questions she knew Gwen wanted to ask. But Gwen didn’t ask. She just drove Andi home and walked her to the door.
When Andi opened the door, Gwen followed her inside. Andi stowed her bag and her papers on the table next to the door and turned to face Gwen.
“I’m sorry it isn’t a good night for me. It’s been a long day and I just need to be alone for a little while.”
Andi glanced up and was shocked to find Gwen’s gaze boring into her as if she were looking into her soul. Andi shivered.
Gwen took a step closer and framed her hands around Andi’s face. “The last thing you need right now is to be alone.”
The words caught Andi off guard, and she drew in a sharp breath before Gwen’s mouth was on hers, claiming her. Andi was completely distracted by the consuming feel of Gwen’s lips. Gwen felt so right. All Andi wanted to do in that moment was lose herself in the safety of Gwen’s arms. How was she ever going to explain? How could she go back to a life without Gwen? That was a thought she couldn’t bear to accept.
Gwen broke the connection and starred at Andi as if reading her mind.
“I know something’s wrong. If you don’t want to talk right now, that’s okay. But I don’t want you to run away from me every time something is bothering you. I need to know you trust me. I’m here, Andi. Whatever you need, I’m right here.” Gwen pinched Andi’s chin between her finger and thumb and pulled Andi close. “I can’t bear it if you push me away.”
Andi heard the insecurity in Gwen’s voice and felt a stab of pain knowing she had put it there. She wanted to believe Gwen. She wanted to curl up beside her and tell her everything. But she couldn’t bear the thought of Gwen pitying her.
“I do trust you, Gwen—”
Before Andi could protest, Gwen kissed her again. Gwen’s mouth was possessive and consuming and Andi melted under the touch, all thoughts of the past pushed from her mind. Andi felt as if her body was being systematically disassembled and remolded in Gwen’s hands. In that moment with Gwen, the world couldn’t touch her. She melted into Gwen, needing one l
ast touch, one last kiss, one last night to hold Gwen before facing the truth of her life.
*
Gwen was up early, unable to sleep. She made coffee and sat at the island in the kitchen, trying to make sense of the sudden change in Andi. She could feel Andi’s withdrawal from her as clearly as she could feel her own heartbeat. She knew something was bothering Andi, and the fact that she wasn’t talking wasn’t a good sign. Even when they made love the night before, she could feel Andi pull away. It was as if an invisible wall was being erected between them. Maybe she was imagining things. Maybe there was some other explanation, but in her heart she feared she was losing Andi.
Gwen heard the shower come on and knew Andi was up. She opened the fridge and gathered the makings for breakfast. She wouldn’t give up. Andi was too important.
Andi’s hair was still wet from the shower when she entered the kitchen. Gwen studied her as she moved through the room. Her eyes seemed distant and tired, and some of the glow had gone from her face as if the joy was being drained from her.
“Good morning, beautiful.” Gwen wrapped her arms around Andi’s shoulders and held her against her. Andi felt fragile in her arms and Gwen’s fear grew. “I thought I’d make you breakfast before I have to go to work.”
“Thank you. You’re an angel.”
Gwen settled Andi onto a stool at the island and set a steaming cup of coffee in front of her before returning to the french toast.
She cocked her head and looked at Andi with a sheepish grin, trying to keep her tone light and playful. “We didn’t talk much last night. Do you want to tell me what had you so upset yesterday?”
Andi stiffened and Gwen could see her trying to close off her emotions.
Gwen sat a plate of french toast in front of Andi.
When she spoke, Andi’s voice was restrained, as if she was trying not to fall apart. “It’s nothing really. I just have a few things I’ve been putting off that caught up with me.”
Gwen took a sip of her coffee, trying to appear unaffected. “Anything I can do to help?”
Andi brushed her fingers across the back of Gwen’s hand and smiled. “You already have.”
Gwen felt only slightly reassured. She wanted to ask if they were okay but feared the answer. She forced a grin, leaned across the island, and planted a kiss on Andi’s forehead. “Okay. I can see you aren’t ready yet. I can wait.” Gwen glanced at her watch. “Unfortunately I have to run. I’ll only be gone a couple of days. I’ll call you from the road if that’s okay.”
“You better.”
*
Andi reluctantly finished her breakfast and cleared away the dishes. She had seen the hurt and insecurity in Gwen’s eyes, heard it in her voice. It had even been there in her touch. But there was nothing she could do to stop Gwen’s pain, and it was tearing her apart. She was hurting the person most precious in her world.
When she ran out of ways to distract herself, Andi decided it was time to open the letter. She was glad she had put it away. She hadn’t wanted Gwen to see it. She had wanted to pretend her life was normal for a little while longer, but her time was up now.
With trembling hands she riffled through the stack until she found what she was looking for. The letter bore the unmistakable seal of the State of Tennessee. Andi felt a little sick as she stared at the envelope. Biting her lower lip, she slid a finger beneath the seal and opened the letter. She held her breath as she read. Her heart raced as the words sank in. She had to read it several times over before she could believe the words.
Tears leaked from Andi’s eyes onto the paper, the words made harsher by her pain. The illusions Andi had about her life shattered as the past caught up with her. In that instant she knew her life was over.
Chapter Nineteen
Gwen called The Gourmet Pet when she couldn’t reach Andi’s private line. She hoped Andi would be there, but it was Morgan who answered the phone. Andi had left town for a few days and had left her to run the store. Morgan didn’t know when Andi was coming back.
Gwen paced the small area around her tent. None of this made any sense. Andi hadn’t said anything about out-of-town plans. But according to Morgan, Andi had left on the same day she had. What the hell was going on? Why hadn’t Andi said anything? Was this Andi’s way of telling her to get lost, or was something wrong? Hurt and dread warred in her mind.
Gwen fought back the nausea that had been threatening for the past two days. Something was wrong. She had felt it. She had wanted to push Andi to talk about it but was too afraid she would push Andi away. “Damn it.” Gwen slammed her palm into the side of the work truck. She loaded her gear, then made sure the campsite was clean and the embers from her fire were fully extinguished. Gwen got in the truck and headed for home, hoping Andi would be there when she arrived.
*
Gwen dropped Zeek at home and got her settled before going to Andi’s. The house was dark and quiet, and as far as Gwen could tell through the window of the garage, the Jeep was gone. When she came back around to the front of the house, Mrs. Peterson was standing by her SUV.
“She’s gone you know.” Mrs. Peterson peered at Gwen through squinted eyes. “Left day before yesterday.”
Gwen’s voice was pleading when she spoke. “Did she say where she was going?”
“Nah. Just loaded up a bag and that cat and left.” Mrs. Peterson eyed Gwen suspiciously for a moment. “You two have a fight or something?”
Gwen jerked, shocked by the question. “No. What made you think that?”
“I see the way that girl looks at you. Before you came here, she didn’t let anyone around. Seemed lonely. Someone comes along and changes your life that much, must be pretty important. I thought maybe if you two had a fight, she might need some time to get her head straight.”
Gwen was surprised by the frank assessment of her relationship with Andi. “We didn’t have a fight. She just…disappeared.”
Mrs. Peterson appeared thoughtful for a while as if she was considering whether or not to say something. “That girl’s troubled. Seemed like she was always runnin’ from something if you ask me. Whatever wounds she carries run deep. Reminds me of these feral cats around. They stay where they think they’re safe enough but never let anyone close enough to touch.”
Gwen’s mind was racing. This was crazy. What the hell was going on? She leaned heavily against the side of the Land Rover. She didn’t know what to do. Maybe Mrs. Peterson was right, maybe Andi was running. But what if Andi was running from her?
“Damn it. I’ve been over things in my head a million times. I can’t think of anything I could have done wrong to make her run like this.” Gwen ran her hand through her hair, desperate to grasp onto something that would help her understand what was happening. She thought of their last night together. Maybe Andi was trying to tell her it was over. She had pushed Andi into letting her stay even though she’d felt the distance Andi was trying to put between them.
Gwen rubbed her face with both hands. She was frustrated, worried, and scared and she had no idea what to do.
“Give her some time, Gwen. If something’s spooked her, it may take her a while. But she’ll be back.” The old woman placed a rough, weathered hand on Gwen’s arm and squeezed before ambling off down the drive.
Gwen went by Andi’s house every day for the next week. Finally, she stopped by the police station to see if there had been any accident reports or any news they could tell her about Andi.
The young officer shrugged and shook his head. “Nothing here. Do you want to file a missing person’s report?”
“No.” Gwen felt her insides shaking at the thought that Andi might be missing, but everything said that Andi had planned this, and despite her growing unease, she was trying to respect Andi’s space. But why didn’t she say anything? Why just leave without a word? Maybe Andi didn’t think it was any of her business. If that was the case, she didn’t mean anything to Andi. That just couldn’t be right. She could feel Andi in her heart.
Defeated, Gwen left the station and went by Andi’s house again. She walked the property, peering into windows, but nothing had changed. As she came around the house to her car, a police cruiser pulled in behind her.
A young woman got out of the car and walked toward her with a stiff, confident air of authority. Gwen eyed the officer with hope and dread. Her uniform was unfamiliar. She was about five foot six with auburn hair and an athletic build. Her pretty face was marred by a scar that ran across her left cheekbone, and her golden brown eyes seemed to take in everything around her without ever breaking Gwen’s gaze.
“Hello, can I help you?” Gwen asked.
The woman studied Gwen for a moment before answering in a curt professional manner. “I’m looking for Andrea Massey. Is this her residence?”
“Yes, this is her house. What’s this about?” Gwen said with growing unease.
“I’m Officer Melissa Stuart. I need to speak with Andi. I know this must seem a little unsettling, but I’m an old friend.”
Gwen tried to relax at the explanation, but something in her gut told her that—friend or not—this was not a social visit.
“And you would be…?”
“Gwen Palmer. I’m…” Gwen hesitated. What was she to Andi? Was she her girlfriend, her lover, or just someone Andi slept with? “I’m a friend.”
Officer Stuart tilted her head to the side and raised an eyebrow knowingly.
Gwen shifted uncomfortably. “Andi isn’t here right now.”
The officer eyed Gwen, unasked questions on her face. Gwen didn’t get the feeling the appraisal was suspicious. She seemed more curious than anything else.
“Do you know when she’ll be back?”
The officer seemed to be taking in Gwen’s fearful expression, and her hand crept up to rest on the heavy belt at her side.
Gwen let her eyes drift to the gun holstered on that belt.
“No. She left sometime last week. She didn’t tell anyone where she was going.” Gwen swallowed hard before asking the question that was needling her brain. “Is Andi in some kind of trouble?”
No Boundaries Page 16
