"And me? I cried like a baby, Cade. That's the whole point of this story I shouldn't be tellin' you. I fuckin' bawled my eyes out when he finally gave up his ghost. I didn't want to grow up. I was nineteen when I lost Hank. I was growin' up quick, sure enough, but that? Losin' my best buddy? Grew me up all the way. Sometimes life just makes you grow up. You can't fight it, son. You just have to wipe your eyes and keep puttin' one foot in front of the other and do what you gotta do."
I nodded, and stared up at the numberless stars, and Gramps stood beside me, smoking in silence and each of us lost in our own thoughts.
billy harper, warm rain for a funeral
Ever
It was the summer between my sophomore and junior years that I met someone who was able to pull my attention away from my paints and my photographs.
His name was Billy. I knew of him, of course. He was the guy at school who was just effortlessly cool. Didn't have to try, didn't seem snotty about being the cool kid. He just...made you like him without having to try. He was the type to have tons of acquaintances, "hangers-on," the old books would call them.
I met him by accident, in the parking lot of the high school. I'd been using the school art room to frame a piece I'd done, since they had the space and tools to do it properly, especially since the piece I was framing was eight feet by six. It was an abstract piece, my most abstract yet, I think, but my best as well. All swirls of color streaking across from top left to bottom right, curving and arcing in almost arabesques, Arabic spires of blue and minarets of yellow. It seemed almost like a Middle Eastern landscape, but it wasn't, quite.
I'd borrowed Dad's SUV for the day so I could cart the piece there and home. Only, I hadn't anticipated how much heavier the painting would be after I'd framed it, and I was having trouble getting it into the car. I'd nearly dropped it several times, and was struggling to hold it up, to keep it from sliding out of my grip and to the ground. I had the front end in, but not enough of it. I was stuck, perfectly trapped, unable to lift it any higher, unable to lower it without dropping it and ruining the frame I'd just spent four hours making in the woodshop.
I was near to tears, sweating, struggling, whimpering. Then I felt the weight miraculously lessen, and a pair of tanned arms slid around me, hands on the frame to either side of my hands, lifting, pushing, hefting the front end over the tire well that had been stopping it.
I turned around, and there he was. Tall, with blond hair perfectly spiked above ice-blue eyes and carved cheekbones. Billy Harper. He had his trumpet case dangling at his side from a strap, and his body was inches from mine as he pushed the painting into Dad's Mercedes.
"Thanks," I mumbled, feeling startled at his sudden presence, as well as the surprising reaction I was having to his proximity.
My heartbeat was ramping up, and my breath was fluttering in my chest. I felt like the description of a southern belle in the old romances, all atwitter, flustered.
"No problem." His voice was low and calm, like the surface of a mirror-still lake. He lifted up on his toes and glanced at the painting. "It's an awesome picture."
"Painting." I couldn't help the correction from popping out of my mouth.
"What?" He seemed genuinely puzzled.
"It's not a picture, it's a painting."
"Oh. Right. Yeah." He shrugged a sculpted shoulder. "Anyway, it's great. Looks kinda like...the desert. You know? Or a city in the desert. But it's not, though. It's just...lines. It's cool."
"Thanks. That's kind of what it's supposed to be. Not quite one thing, not quite another, but nearly both."
He grinned, and my stomach flopped. "That's cool." He stuck out his hand. "I'm B--Will. Call me Will."
"Will? I thought--"
"Yeah, everyone calls me Billy, I know. But it's a nickname I've had since I was a kid, and I hate it. I always introduce myself as William, or Will, but everyone always hears others call me Billy, and it just sticks."
I shook his hand, and my palm tingled at the heat of his palm. "Ever."
"Yeah. I've seen you around. You have a sister, a twin sister, right?"
I shrugged. "Yeah. Eden."
He just nodded, and an awkward silence descended. He gave a funny, nervous little laugh, and then waved at my car. "So. Taking that painting home, huh?"
I wanted to roll my eyes at the completely pointless statement. "Yeah. I wanna hang it in my room."
"Need help?"
I did, actually, so I shrugged and nodded at the same time. "Sure, yeah."
Will followed me home, and carted the ladder in from the garage. He also knew how to use Dad's stud finder and hung the painting over the couch along the far wall of my room, opposite my bed. "So. That's hung. Um...you want to grab some dinner, maybe?"
And that's how it started. Innocent enough, at first. Dinner at Eddie Merlot's, an exceptionally expensive restaurant. His sleek black BMW valeted, the keys left casually in the ignition. A table in a quiet corner, despite the crowd of people waiting and the fact that he'd clearly not planned the date. He was a wonderful conversationalist. He could talk about anything, from music and movies to politics and philosophy. But...there was something niggling at the back of my head. He could talk without end, and did, saying lots of great-sounding things, well-structured sentences and funny stories of skiing in Switzerland and getting into trouble with aristocratic Europeans. But something was missing, and I couldn't identify what it was.
Yet my hormones, my body, something inside me that I didn't quite have complete control over, reacted to him. On a visceral level. He leaned forward while he spoke, the sleeves of his thin, cloud-soft cashmere sweater pushed up to his elbows, his eyes intent on mine, and he told me his funny stories and his nearness seemed to set some secret inner part of me on fire, and I couldn't quite help it and didn't know if I wanted to, even though I felt the tiny worm of something not quite right wriggling in the back of my head.
After sharing a thick, decadent slice of cheesecake drizzled with raspberry sauce, he helped me into his car, holding my palm in his while the valet waited behind the door. I slid into the seat, the leather cool against my legs through the fabric of my skirt. He drove me around slowly, Sigur Rose playing "Hoppipolla" in the background, soft rolling strains of exotic music rising to a symphonic and almost alien rolling blend of triumphant sound and song and falsetto voice and horns. Fat droplets of rain pattered against the windshield as we cruised the winding Bloomfield roads, and I felt like I was lost in some fairy tale, some movie where I was the starlet and Will was the star, falling in love in perfectly choreographed splendor.
I felt the pounding of my heart and the sizzle of my skin as he casually rested his right hand on the armrest between us and slid his fingers through mine. I felt the ache of trembling fear and the pulsing of anticipation as we sat in the parking lot of a closed park, in the shadows a few spaces down from the streetlamp, faint slow romantic jazz, a trumpet playing delicate notes in the silence between us as our faces neared and....
He tasted like cinnamon gum, his lips soft and warm and wet. His hand traced up my arm, across my shoulder, curled around the back of my neck and pulled me into the kiss, and my entire being shuddered, and I lost myself in it, in the purely perfect teenaged wonder of the moment.
A strange awareness kept ahold of me, however, as Will kissed me with practiced passion. A kind of poised, tensed knowledge that this was a moment that I was indulging in, allowing to happen, and that despite the fervor of my body's reaction and the heat of my skin in my clothes, a part of me was kept back. Held in check, for some reason I couldn't fathom.
I wanted to let go of that part. I didn't like it being held back. It meant...it meant that there was something empty and false in this moment, this perfect first kiss with Will Harper.
He didn't push the moment. He didn't grope me or take the kiss too far. He pulled back, assessed that I needed a moment, and let it fade.
I touched my lips and stared at Will, at his carved cheekbones and smooth ha
nds on the steering wheel and his calm, glacier-blue eyes. "Who...who is this, playing?" I asked, to cover the confusion I felt.
Will seemed puzzled, then blinked several times. "This...um. It's Miles. Miles Davis. 'Sketches of Spain.'" He twisted the knob to turn the volume up slightly so I could hear the Latin-infused trumpet. "Miles...man, he was a god on the trumpet. Just amazing. Listen to the way he plays it. You can't ever mistake Miles for anyone else. There's some amazing trumpet players out there, but Miles? He's the best there ever will be." Passion infused Will's voice and his eyes.
That settled my confusion a bit. If he was passionate about music, what could be wrong? He was gloriously handsome. Not just hot, that was too commonplace a word for William Harper. He was truly handsome. And so, so polished. He took my hand and chattered about jazz as he drove me home, talking about "Birdland," whatever that was. How jazz was real, true, proper music, the kind you jam to and improvise, or craft this architectural masterpiece all from merely a piece of metal and your breath. He was eloquent about jazz, and that was hard to resist, that passion, that knowledge of something he loved, the ability to woo me with words and make me want to love music I'd always thought was boring. Listening to Miles Davis in Will's car was magical somehow, a continuation of the strangely perfect date we'd had.
Except for the moment of doubt after he'd kissed me, but I'd all but forgotten that by the time he'd pulled up to my house and dropped me off.
As I slid out of the warm cocoon of his BMW, he turned the music down and called my name. "You want to have dinner again? Friday?"
I smiled, feeling excited. "Yeah!" I smiled at him. "Sounds great."
"Cool. I'll pick you up at seven." He waved, and I closed the door.
Eden gave me a strange look as I passed her studio. She was lying on the floor, sheet music held above her head and a pencil in her mouth. Her windows were all wide open, letting in cool evening air and the scent of rain and the sound of raindrops against the roof. Her studio and bedroom were at the front of the house, giving her a view of the driveway.
"Who was that?" she asked, taking the pencil from her lips. "And why were you out so late with him?"
I glanced at my phone, saw that it was nearly two in the morning. "That was Will Harper. And...we were on a date."
Eden sat up, shock causing her to let the pencil drop onto her thigh. "A date? With Billy Harper?"
"Will." I didn't know why I corrected her.
"Will." She tucked her feet under her and stood up. "Why were you on a date with...Will Harper?"
I shrugged. "Because...he asked me. He helped me get my painting into the car, and then helped me hang it, and we went on a date. He's...nice."
Eden took a hesitant step toward me. "Ever...he's Billy Harper. He's the hottest and most unavailable guy at school. I know girls from other schools that know who Billy Harper is, and wish they could get a date with him. His dad is famous or something, and he grew up all over the world. He goes to parties with movie stars, Ever. And you just...went on a date with him? Just like that?"
I'd heard all those stories about Billy Harper, of course. The rumor mill at school was insane, full of half truths and lies and jealousy. I'd assumed most of the stories about him were just that, stories. But now, having spent time with him...I could almost believe it. He had the kind of poise and confidence about him that made me think he'd be as comfortable at an A-list party as he was playing his trumpet in the courtyard.
I wasn't sure what to say to Eden. "I don't know, Edie. He was...really nice. I had a really good time."
She stared at me for several moments, and then her expression cleared and turned excited. "Did...did he kiss you?"
I felt myself blush. "Yeah, a little."
"A little? A little?" She closed in, grabbed my arm, and shook me. "Was it amazing? What was it like?"
"It was a kiss." I shrugged, and then giggled with her. "Yeah, it was amazing. He had this jazz playing in the background, and it was raining outside, and I don't really like jazz, but he makes it seem cool, you know? And he kissed me, but he wasn't crazy about it, you know? He kissed me, but didn't, like, try to make it anything else."
"God, like that would have been a bad thing."
"Well, on the first date?"
Eden made a dismissive gesture with her hand. "It's Billy Harper. I should be so lucky. If he tried to feel me up on the first date, I'd let him."
I shrieked and slapped her arm. "You would not, Eden Eliot, and you know it."
She backed away, and I sensed that the joke had soured. "Yeah, maybe not. But I wouldn't know, since I've never been asked out." She turned away and knelt to pick up her sheet music. "We're turning seventeen this summer, and I haven't even been on a date, much less been kissed. You're way ahead of me. First kiss...with Billy Harper, no less. So not fair." I just shrugged and fiddled with one of my brushes, smoothing the bristles between my fingers and thumb. Eden realized I wasn't taking the bait and huffed in irritation. "Fine. Don't tell me anything else. I didn't want to know anyway."
"There's nothing else to tell. We went to Eddie Merlot's. We drove around in his car and ended up in the parking lot of a park somewhere, I'm not sure where, and we ended up kissing. I didn't know it was going to happen, and I didn't plan it. It just...happened."
"He took you to Eddie Merlot's? That place is impossible to get a table at, and expensive as hell."
I wondered how she knew that. "I know...he just walked in and they gave us a table."
Eden's eyes were about to pop out of her head. "Was it his first kiss, too, do you think? I mean, I can't imagine it was."
I shook my head. "No way. He was a really good kisser. Too good at it for it to be his first time. I mean, it was my first time, so I'm not sure, like, one hundred percent sure, but it felt like he knew what he was doing."
"Are you gonna go out with him again?"
"Friday. He's picking me up at eight. No, it was seven. He said seven."
Eden huffed again, flipping idly through the stacks of painted canvases in one corner, glancing at each one for a few seconds before flipping to the next. "I'm so freaking jealous of you right now, you don't even know."
I sighed wryly. "I can feel it coming off you in waves. I'm not sure what you want me to do about it, though. Not go, because you haven't been asked out yet? How is that fair to me?"
She shrugged, which was both of our signature move when we didn't know what to say. "No. You have to go. It's Billy fucking Harper. Of course you can't not go just 'cause I'm lame."
I groaned in frustration. "God, Eden. You're not lame. Why does everything have to be a competition between us? You don't have to keep up with me or anything like that. That's stupid. When you meet a guy you like, just...make sure he asks you out. Make sure he knows you're interested in him, and get him to ask you out. If that doesn't work, you ask him out. I don't know. Just be you. You're hot, Eden. We are twins, after all. It's not like you're some ugly stepsister just because you don't wear the same dress size as me. God."
"I'm not trying to compete with you...I'm just--"
"Then why can't you let me have this without being jealous?"
She seemed to wilt, deflate. "Sorry, Ev. I'm happy for you. I am, for real." She said it flat, monotone.
I laughed. "Yeah, you really sound like it." I stepped up behind her and wrapped my arms around her middle, rested my cheek against the back of her head. "Eden. Sis. Listen...I'm not saying you have to be, like, all giddy for me. Just...I don't know--"
"You're my twin, Ev. I want you to be happy. I really am happy you had a good time with Billy today. For real. It's just...all the good stuff happens to you."
"Good stuff will happen to you, too, Edie. It will, I promise. Just you watch."
"'Kay." She turned in place and hugged me, then pushed past me. "I have to play through this movement once more before bed. 'Night."
"'Night." I watched her go, feeling more confused than ever.
A few minutes later, the
sounds of a complex piece of music filled the air, long high notes and low tones and skirling swirling melodies overlapping and weaving a spell around me. Eden's talent with the cello never ceased to amaze me, even though I heard her play every single day.
I went to my room and undressed, then sat at my vanity in my underwear, brushing my hair and thinking about the day I'd had. As I thought and brushed, my eyes wandered to the stationery set, the colorful, perfumed paper and the refillable faux-quill pen. The set had been a gift from Daddy a few years ago.
I hadn't written Caden in a long time, and I hadn't heard from him in two weeks, since the letter with the picture of a birthday cake included. Well, that wasn't true; he'd sent me a note with his Gramps's address in it, but it was literally three sentences and the address, so it barely counted. I'd laughed so hard at that picture of the birthday cake, and it had made my heart flop at his cute thoughtfulness. I wondered what was happening with him, how he was doing. Maybe if I wrote him a letter, it would help me sort out my own feelings?
I pulled the pad of paper in front of me, slipped the bleed-through backing under a new sheet, and wrote Caden's name across the top line, adding a curl to the tail of the "N," letting my thoughts and feelings coalesce inside me and flow down toward my pen.
Caden,
Sorry for taking so long to write you back, I've just been so busy, you know? I've been shooting several rolls of film every day, developing them myself, and I've also been experimenting with large-format painting, like six-, seven-, and eight-foot-tall canvases and stuff. It's really fun working on that scale. Every stroke is huge and broad, but you still have to find the details, the fine strokes, you know?
So anyway, I hate asking, but...how are you? For real? How's your gramps's farm? I can't believe you drove all the way to Wyoming by yourself. You did, right? You said you were going to. I don't think I could do that. I'd be too scared. I'd probably get lost and end up in Montana by accident or something.
Eden for real is driving me insane. I love her so much, she's my best friend and all that, but her sense of competition makes me crazy. I went on a date yesterday, with a guy from my school. Eden got super crazy jealous. I don't get it. Just because she hasn't been on a date yet doesn't mean she needs to go and be all jealous of me. We're twins, but we're not the same person. It's like...it's like she thinks everything we do has to be equal. If I go on a date and have my first kiss, then she feels like she has to do the same thing. But I'm not her, and she's not me. You know? God, that sounds so selfish, but it's just true. Growing up, we were always dressed the same, had the same things. We either had to share, or we each had a copy of the same thing. If I got a CD, so did she. If she went to the mall, so did I. Same clothes, same haircuts. All the way up until we were...
Forever & Always Page 9
