“She’s beautiful, right?” His hand twitches, and I’m scared he’s gonna let go of me, so I shift my palm so I can interlock my fingers with his.
I look at her, at the way she’s practically glowing. I can appreciate the fact that she has a beautiful body. But it’s the expression on her face that’s making me feel something. “Do you think she’s happy or sad?”
“I used to think she was content, that she was just happy to be naked in the sun. But the more time I spent looking at her, I thought that someone made her do that—take her clothes off, expose herself—and that the look on her face was fear masked by whatever the photographer was telling her to feel. But now, I just think that she’s expressing raw human emotion because whoever is taking the photograph is someone she loves. Someone she’s probably hated too. Maybe they were fighting that day, or maybe they had just made love, or maybe she wanted him to care about her more than he cared about taking photographs of her. I don’t know. But I’m intrigued by her. What do you think?”
I stare at her, and I swear she’s staring back at me, and I think I get her. Although, my mind is definitely not a reliable source of reasonable information today. “I think she’s hiding something. I think she wants to tell the person who’s photographing her something, but she’s not. Or she can’t. I think she’s completely exposing her body to him, but she’s not willing to expose what’s inside.”
Brighton’s quiet for a minute, but then he says. “Yeah, I think you’re right. The flowers flowing down from her make more sense when you think about it like that. Like they’re symbols for all the things she could let flow out of her. That she wishes she had. How beautiful it could have been if she had just done that.”
“You think the artist understood that?”
“She was the artist,” Brighton says, looking up at the woman. “It’s about her. She never talked to anyone—kept completely to herself. She didn’t live in the house. She would just come here every day and work on this until it was done, and then she disappeared. She didn’t share any of herself with any of us, but then she erects a giant nude picture of herself for anyone to see. I thought she was just shy and introverted. She never really struck me as sad. But now that you say that, I guess that’s how she really was. She kept everything bottled up and probably had a lifetime of secrets inside of her.”
I stare at the girl, I think about living a life like that, something I’m familiar with, and suddenly my heart feels like it’s swelling with sadness. I take my hand from Brighton’s so I can push my palms into my eyes to try and hold back the tears that are threatening to explode.
“You okay?”
I run my palms down my face, then shove my hands in my pockets, wishing I hadn’t left my baseball cap on Brighton’s bed. I want to hide. I want to disappear. “I can just feel it… what she’s feeling. It hurts to hold so much shit in. To have to lie to yourself and the people you love. It’s physically painful. I could see myself ending up like her—hating myself so bad that I don’t even think I’m worthy of human contact.”
Brighton wraps an arm around me, and I let some of my tension go. His arm around me feels like acceptance. Like the first door is opening and somehow there is a beautiful man on the other side willing to be everything I need right now. I turn in his arm and rest my face in the crook of his neck. His arms wrap tightly around my shoulders and mine around his waist, and I hold on for dear life because I can’t do this without him and looking at that picture made me realize that I have to do something. I don’t want to look like her. I don’t want to have regrets over what could have happened if I had just let everything flow out of me. I hate living like this. I hate denying who I am. I hate lying.
I’m crying now, full on bawling like a baby, but I no longer give a shit. I need to let this go. I need to let everything out. If I don’t, I feel like I’m gonna implode.
Brighton pulls me in tighter, and I can feel his breath on the back of my neck. Everything about this man feels safe and secure. And for the first time I feel like things will be okay. That there is a possibility I can be who I want to be and my entire world won’t combust because of it.
When I feel like I can stand on my own again, I ease myself off him, but I don’t let go of him, and he doesn’t let go of me as we stand staring at each other. “Some serious shit is happening inside of here, huh?” he whispers as his hands move to cup my face and his thumbs drag over my temples.
“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep living like this.”
“Okay,” he whispers. I look at his calm expression. I grasp on to that single word, and I believe it.
One day, hopefully soon, things are gonna be okay.
Chapter Six
Brighton
EVERY STOP Jay and I make today brings us somewhere new. Like we’re packing a year of experiences into one day. And every time we get back in the Bronco, we’re different versions of Brighton and Jay. Which feels like a real legit thing now.
Jay and I are something.
At the very least, we’re friends. Friends who got caught up in one seriously mind-blowing kiss. But I can’t think about that. Right now, I need to focus on being a friend because it’s clear he needs one.
I look over at him in the passenger seat. He’s resting against the seat with his eyes closed. I can’t even imagine the tornado of thoughts spinning inside his head right now.
We’re sitting just outside the gate of The Farm because I’m not sure where to go, and I’m waiting for him to give me direction. This journey we’re on is 100 percent his now, and I don’t know where he wants to take it.
“I think I need to go see Sadie,” he says, his eyes still shut.
“You sure?” I ask him.
“Yeah.” He turns his head and looks at me. His eyes look different now, and I’m looking at him with new eyes too.
It was beautifully tragic watching him break the way he did. He looked at that woman’s eyes, and he understood something I—the kid who grew up surrounded by art—couldn’t figure out no matter how many hours I spent looking at those same eyes.
And not only did he understand it, he let it open up something inside him, and then he showed it to me. He held on to me and he cried and he showed me everything. And a little part of me fell in love with him right then.
“You want to do that now?”
His face cringes like he’s in pain. “I didn’t mean to drag you into this. I wasn’t expecting all of this shit to just break free in me today. If you want to bring me back to my truck, I can handle this on my own. You shouldn’t have to go through it with me.”
I reach over and grab one of his hands in mine. “I wasn’t expecting this either, but it’s good, Jay. I want to be part of whatever you want me to be a part of. I’m here for you, no matter what.”
His face tenses further and his eyes shut, and I know he’s trying to hold back his emotions. I know what I’m feeling, just going through this with him. I can’t imagine what it feels like to be him.
His eyes open and a smirk comes over his mouth. “You know what I’m most afraid of right now?”
“Jesus, Jay. I can’t even imagine. There are so many options.” I smirk back at him.
“Yeah, there are, and I should be afraid of all of them. And I am. But, against all logic, the thing that’s terrifying me the most is all the layers of weird, totally confusing emotions I’m starting to feel for you.”
I full-on smile at that. “Let me have it. I’m sexy and intriguing and….?”
“Shit, I’m not just gonna drop it all on you. I mean, I have to maintain some of my game, right?”
“Trust me, Jay, you got all kinds of game. These layers… I’m feeling them too. Every time you crack a little more, your game gets stronger.”
He laughs and takes his hand from mine so he can rub both palms over his face. “That’s exactly what I’m doing, isn’t it? Cracking right in front of your eyes.”
“I don’t mean cracking, like losing it, like crazy
. I mean, you’re like an egg.”
He turns to me, his face all screwed-up. “An egg?”
“And I’m watching it crack, and I don’t know what the hell’s gonna come out of it. Could be a yolky mess, could be a fully formed, shiny hardboiled egg, or could be a brand-new baby chick. It’s scary but beautiful.”
He laughs. “I don’t know about the egg analogy, but that’s exactly what it feels like. I don’t know what the hell is gonna break loose in me next, but I know I can’t stop it. It is scary… and yeah, maybe part of it is beautiful.”
AS WE pull up to Sadie’s house, I’m a little scared for Jay, but I’m trying my best to keep the mood light. He opens his door and takes a step out, pauses, and turns to me. I wait for him to say something, but he just stares at me.
“Are you having second thoughts?” I ask, purposefully keeping my tone easy so he knows I’m not trying to push him one way or the other. And I’m not. I’m pretty damn sure this isn’t a road he can turn around on now that he’s started walking down it and it’s completely up to him how long he wants to take getting to the end of it.
“Is it weird if you come with me?”
“To break up with your girlfriend? Um… yeah, I think that’s something you don’t bring your buddies along to participate in.”
“Right, but that’s not really what this is about. I think I want to tell her. I think she deserves to know the real reason why I can’t be with her, and I don’t think I’ll have the balls to do it if you’re not with me.”
Oh shit. Is he serious? “Really, Jay? I mean, are you really ready to do that? Maybe you want to take a minute and think about it.”
“Brighton, I’ve been thinking about doing things my entire life. And now I’m ready to actually do them. Can you not second-guess me?”
“Damn,” I say to his take-control attitude. “Fine. Let’s do this.” I get out of the truck and walk with him up to the front step. When we’re there I take a big breath, trying to calm my shaky insides. “Jesus, I don’t know why I’m so damn nervous.” My hands are literally shaking out of fear.
“It’s because you never had to do any of this. You never had to come out to anyone, but you get how scary it is.”
“You’re like Mr. Insightful this afternoon.”
“It’s weird how obvious shit becomes once you’re willing to accept the truth.”
“And the truth is you’re gay and you’re about to tell your girlfriend.”
He turns his head and shoots daggers at my eyes. “Really? Fuck, Brighton.”
“What?” I laugh. “I’m just trying to get my head in the game. You’re the one who wanted me here.”
He grins and shoves his hands into my shoulders, and I stumble backward. He lunges to stop me like I would have fallen on my ass without his assistance, which I wouldn’t have. “Shit, sorry, but dammit… now I’m nervous.”
He’s still holding on to my shoulders, so I grab on to his waist and pull him close. “You just said the S word.”
His eyes get all heavy, and the smile he gives me is the sexiest thing I’ve ever seen and then… the door opens.
Jay and I let go of each other immediately, but Sadie is looking at us suspiciously. I panic for a second before realizing this was the whole point of coming here and maybe the fact that Jay and I just got busted holding on to each other will make the whole uncomfortable conversation happen a lot sooner.
“Hey,” Jay says to her with an easy smile, walking into the house and wrapping his arms around her. She hugs him back, and the worry drops off her face, replaced by a happy smile. “Is it okay that I brought Brighton with me?”
I step into the house and give her an awkward wave.
“Of course,” she says brightly. Jesus, if she only knew how not okay it is that I’m here. “Is it okay if we head out back? I’m still in my suit.”
And then I notice for the first time that she’s in a bikini top with a towel wrapped around her waist.
“Yeah, of course.” Wrapping an arm around her, Jay heads through the house. As I follow them, all I can do is look at her and think about the fact that that sexy kid, who she’s probably in love with, is about to break her heart.
When we reach the pool in the backyard, she asks, “Do you guys want to swim? There’re some swim shorts in the pool house.”
“No,” Jay tells her, and I can hear the tension in his voice. “I actually need to talk to you about something.”
“Oh.” Her face drops instantly.
Jesus. I wasn’t kidding when I told Jay I would go through all of this with him, but how the hell did I end up being the third wheel in a break-up conversation?
“Okay.” She takes the towel off her waist and covers up her cute little figure with a tunic before walking over to the table and sitting down. Jay and I follow her, and I take the seat farthest from the two of them, feeling like a total jackass for being here.
He smiles gently and takes her hands in his. “I love you, Sadie. I hope you know that. You’re my best friend and one of the only people I can really talk to.”
He pauses and she says, “I love you too,” but the uncertainty is clear in her voice.
“I trust you. With everything. But I haven’t been completely honest with you.”
“Oh God,” she whispers. “Did you cheat on me? Jay, please don’t say you cheated on me.”
“No, Sadie. It’s nothing like that.”
“Because I know I said….” She pauses to glance at me, and I want to dig myself a nice deep hole. “That I was… waiting. But if it’s something you need, we can talk about it.”
“God, Sadie, no. Don’t do that. Don’t ever do that. I respect you so much for saving yourself for the right guy. I’m just… I’m not that guy.”
Her expression is pure confusion. She stares at him for a few moments before a tear slips down her cheek. I want to look away, but it’s like a car crash and I can’t. Jay reaches up and wipes it away, and I can see the pain on his face.
He was right: she’s so sweet and she loves him so much and the truth is what she deserves.
“Can I trust you? If I tell you something, can I trust you with it?” he whispers.
She nods. “Anything.”
He ducks his head and shakes it, and I want to reach out and hold on to him and help him through this, but that’s obviously not gonna be okay right now. “I’ve been struggling with this for so long. I’ve been trying to get it to go away, and I’ve been pretending to be someone I’m not.”
She looks completely bewildered as she tries to figure out what the hell he’s talking about. He pauses for too long—gives her too much time to think. And, inevitably, she slowly turns her sad, confused eyes to me—the token gay kid. I cringe. I can’t help it. Come on, Sadie, add it up. And then she cocks her head like it’s starting to make sense. I know my face looks guilty as hell and that she’s probably going back to a few minutes ago when she found Jay and me touching each other, looking at each other with pure lust. And then she turns back to him and whispers, “Are you… oh my God, Jay… are you… gay?” She says the word gay so quietly I’m not sure I even heard it or if I just assumed it.
His head snaps up, his eyes meet hers, and she must have found the answer in his face somewhere because she pulls her hands out of his and brings them to her mouth.
He nods, confirming her suspicions, and she audibly gasps.
“Are you with him?” she mumbles through her fingers.
“No… no. I’m just trying to figure all this out, and he’s helping me.”
I flinch and try to feel regret for kissing him and holding him, but I can’t. I can’t regret a minute of this day, not even this horribly uncomfortable, awkward moment.
“I don’t get it,” she says, her hands dropping away from her face. “How can you be gay? When did this happen?”
“It didn’t happen. I mean, it’s just who I am. It’s who I’ve always been.”
“What the hell, Jay? Why would you do
that to me? Why would you date me? Why would you let me fall in love with you? Why would you tell me that you love me if none of it is true?” She’s crying, and now I want to go hug her, but with each passing second, I’m thinking the more appropriate thing to do would be to slink off into the shadows.
“I do love you, Sadie. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I was trying to be… normal. To be into girls. Until a few months ago, I couldn’t even accept the truth. I was just planning on living the rest of my life in denial.”
“So all this time you’ve been pretending? Every time you kiss me and touch me you don’t even want to?”
“I don’t know how to explain this to you. I love you. I love everything about you. You’re sweet and funny and the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen. I’ve never loved a girl like I love you. If I could change who I am, I would, in a heartbeat… for you. But, Sadie, I can’t. I don’t want to lose you. You have no idea how much you mean to me. But you deserve to know the truth. I needed to tell you the truth.”
She shakes her head, unable to comprehend.
“Sadie, please,” he pleads.
“I don’t know what to say to you, Jay. I just… I want you to go.”
“Sadie.”
She stands then. “Please, Jay. I can’t… I just need a minute. I don’t want to say something I’m gonna regret, and I need to think so please, just go.”
He exhales a long breath and then stands. I do the same, already making my way back to the sliding glass door. After I open it and head into the house, I turn and look back. He’s holding her, and I hope to God she’s trying to forgive him. I walk to the front door and wait. When Jay comes inside he’s alone, and he looks beat down. I open the front door for him and follow him to the truck.
As I pull away, he’s running his hands up and down his face and through his hair, repeatedly mumbling the word shit. And I’m terrified that we’ve reached the moment.
The moment when he’s realized this is too much to handle. The moment he starts to hate who he is and begins to regret the things he did with me. The moment where he tells me he was wrong and he made a huge fucking mistake and he needs me to pretend like none of this ever happened.
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