“Yeah, okay,” he says, his breathing a little uneven.
I lead him to the front of the room and down the hallway. Her workspace is a completely different environment. It’s messy and chaotic and feels more like her. There are pieces of all of us in here: sculptures and bowls, drawings and paintings, books and magazines. There are even a few Barbie dolls that Paisley left behind.
“Jesus, are you guys all a bunch of artistic geniuses?” Jay asks, letting go of my hand so he can look at our art Mom has tacked on the wall.
“Honestly, I think Paisley has the most potential. Although the imagination Cooper’s got is mind-blowing.” I hop up on one of her long tables and watch Jay as he inspects every single piece on the wall.
“This one kind of sucks.” He laughs, looking at the drawing of my mom that looks like it was done by a preschooler and has my dad’s signature in the corner.
“He tries, but you know, they’re total opposites in a lot of ways. Their brains for example; they work in completely different ways.”
“But it works.”
“Yeah, it does.”
He turns and comes to me, standing between my knees, his hands gripping my thighs. “We’re opposites.”
“You think?”
“Yeah.”
“How so?”
“You’re spontaneous. I have a planner on my phone that I live by. You’re good with your hands, I’m not.”
“Unless it involves balls,” I remind him.
He smirks at me. “Yeah, I can handle balls. But I can’t build or create or any of that. But you can.”
“I’m a total scatterbrain, and your shit’s always neat and organized,” I offer.
“I don’t like being the center of attention, and you love it.”
I laugh at that one. “You don’t like being the center of attention Mr. Star Athlete, Golden Boy of Spring Valley High?”
“No, I hate it. But you wear all those shirts that are meant to draw attention, I can hear your voice and laughter across the cafeteria every day, and you stroll into class late and then make a scene every period….”
“Okay, I get it. Jesus, I didn’t realize I was such an attention whore.”
“You are, but it’s okay.” He leans in and kisses my neck. It sends shivers over my body, and I’m ready to be done with this conversation, but apparently he’s not. “I love math. I’m guessing you don’t.”
“Hate it,” I agree.
“I need proof, reasonable explanations, and definitive answers, and you like possibility and open ends.”
I raise my eyebrows at him and laugh. “You don’t like open ends?”
He gives me a disappointed look. “You’re a smartass and I’m….”
“A total smartass too.”
“Okay fine, but you’re more witty and self-assured, and I’m self-deprecating.”
“I’m not wittier. And you’re pretty damn cocky in a lot of areas. Like when you’re on the field… or in my bed.”
“Because I’m a control freak.”
“And I’m not. I get it. We have nothing in common.”
“Which means we’re perfect for each other.”
“Does it?” I ask, totally agreeing but not ready to jump off that cliff yet.
“Yeah. I kind of think it does. I mean, I think you’re perfect, and you think I am too,” he tells me with a confident smile.
“It takes more than a day to find a person’s flaws.”
“I just listed a bunch of both of our flaws. It’s not about flaws. It’s about you compensating for my flaws and me compensating for yours. That’s why we’re perfect.”
“I suppose it’s totally possible.”
“Or not,” he says, backing away from me. “Maybe I don’t really like you at all.”
I hop down off the table and stalk after him. “What do I gotta do to make you like me?”
“I don’t know. You’ve been pulling all kinds of awesome activities out of your ass all day. I’m sure there’s more where that came from.”
“You want the whole romance thing? The whole me sweeping you off your feet situation?”
“Does that make me the girl in this scenario?”
I laugh. “Wow, Jay. I’m gonna have to set you up for a session with Dr. Mickey. She’s got some pretty strong opinions about gender identity.”
“No thanks.” He sounds genuinely horrified. “I think she actually likes me. When she finds out what a Neanderthal I am, she’s gonna be forcing you into Samuel’s sensitive arms.”
“So are you gonna let me sweep you off your feet, or are you too manly?”
“Yeah, Brighton. Sweep me off my feet.”
Chapter Fifteen
Jay
I WAS totally being a smartass when I told Brighton to sweep me off my feet. I don’t know why I doubted he could pull it off in a matter of seconds. I mean, I was already fairly convinced he was the most perfect specimen of a human being, and then he goes and pulls this shit.
Mickey’s got a fridge with bottles of beer in it. And a closet with a giant blanket. Brighton’s got an iPhone in his pocket and portable speakers in the studio. Brighton also has a ladder outside, leaned up against the garage. And the universe is on his side too because there is a sky full of stars, and the night air is so calm and mild I can’t even feel it.
Do you see what’s going on here? I’m lying on a blanket that’s on a pitched roof looking up at the stars while music plays in the background. One of my hands is wrapped around a beer, and the other one is wrapped around a hard thigh covered in soft sweats.
Sweatpants are just one more thing, like hands, that I never knew were sexy. Brighton’s gray sweats that hang low on his hips and accentuate the shelf of his ass are extremely hot. And perfect. Everything about this moment is perfect.
“Do you come up here a lot?” I ask when I’m finally done pondering the myriad magical ways of Brighton.
“Is that a line? Are you hitting on me?”
“Totally. Is it working?”
“Maybe. And, yeah, I do come up here a lot. It’s a good place to think. It helps me remember that the world is huge—so much bigger than whatever bullshit is clouding my brain.”
“So it’s not just the place you bring guys to sweep them off their feet?” I can’t help asking.
“You’re the first.”
If I were smart, I would take my prize and be happy, but right now I’m too tired to be smart. “What about Harrison?”
“Nope.” Brighton’s tone is short. I’ve picked up on the fact that it gets that way when the ex is brought up.
“Did you love him?” I don’t know why I ask him that. It’s ridiculous that it bothers me. I’m blaming it on exhaustion. And the fact that I feel like I’m floating around in the middle of the galaxy. Which isn’t possible. Which means nothing I say right now really matters.
“Yeah, I guess I did.”
My chest tightens at those words. Maybe it shouldn’t, but it does. “What does that feel like?”
He’s quiet for a few moments. I know he doesn’t want to answer my question, but eventually he does. “I don’t know. When I fell in love with him, it was a process.”
“A process?”
“Yeah. It took a while, you know? I wanted him, then I liked him, and then I liked him more, and then I loved him, and then I guess, slowly, I fell in love with him.” I take mild comfort in the fact that Brighton sounds like he’s reporting really boring weather when describing falling in love with Harrison.
“What was the difference between liking him more, loving him, and falling in love with him?”
“Need, I guess. Before I fell in love with him, I liked being with him and talking to him but it wasn’t until I fell in love with him that I needed him. Why are you asking?”
“I don’t know; morbid curiosity I guess. Is it possible that I went through that entire process in one day?” I maybe should have taken a second to think before spewing that last part. But I didn’t beca
use I’m exhausted in the middle of the space.
“What are you saying, Jay?”
He doesn’t sound pissed off or alarmed, so I answer him truthfully. “If needing someone, if feeling like you’re not you without them means you’re in love, then, hell, it’s totally possible that I started falling in love with you today.”
“You did,” he says like it’s a fact. Like I just informed him that two plus two equals four.
“What?”
“You totally fell in love with me. Face it, Jay, you’re a hundred percent, completely, totally head-over-basketball-shoes in love with me.”
I laugh at that. “I might be, but what the hell do I know? I’ve never been in love before. I’m pretty sure it’s just an infatuation.”
“Bullshit.”
“Yeah. Bullshit. So if you were in love with him, why’d it end?”
He takes a long pull off his beer, and I can feel the tension in the air. I probably need to shut the hell up, but it’s too late for that now. Man, the stars are really pretty tonight.
“I don’t know. I guess in the beginning he was kind of like what you thought I was to you. He was living the life I thought I wanted—a successful art student who could talk intelligently about anything. He had all these worldly, interesting friends. He had all his shit together and so much confidence. It just seemed like everything was exciting and perfect, and in the beginning I wanted to be part of it.”
I cringe at his description because it’s exactly the polar opposite of my life. It’s the opposite of everything I am. “So what changed?”
“It was all bullshit. Everything about his life and his friends… it was just a facade. All those people were so pretentious and stuck-up and high on themselves it was just kind of disgusting. And Harrison was like that too. And then he started wanting me to change. He hated coming here. He hated the country. He hated spending time with my family. He thought it was all boring and pointless.”
“What? How could anyone think that? I mean the country thing, I guess I could see. But your life—your family—is anything but boring and pointless.”
“I know, but I started to believe him. For a few months, he had me convinced that my corner of the world didn’t matter. And then one night he had a dinner party….”
“A dinner party?”
“Exactly. All this fancy food and expensive wine and a table full of hoity hipster friends spewing all kinds of inaccurate bullshit about the issues of the world. Every time I would say something Harrison would shush me because I didn’t agree with those assholes. That night, at that table, it all became clear. Everything about his life was fake and contrived. So I left.”
“And that was it?”
“Hell no. That’s when I got to know the real him, and the real him was a psychotic, jealous, scary motherfucker.”
“Jesus, that sounds awful,” I mutter. I wasn’t expecting the story to take such a drastic turn.
“Yeah. It was awful. It was probably the most depressed I’ve ever been. I hated how vulnerable and stupid I had been. I hated how easily I changed the way I thought and the things I said for him. I hated that I thought my life, my family, my home was anything but perfect. I hated that I had been so blind. I hated that he made me not want to take a chance on anyone ever again.
“Those things I told you earlier about never dating—it was all true, but mostly I don’t date because I don’t want to go through that again. I’m scared that I’ll give part of myself up for someone again, and I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to lose myself.”
“I can’t see you like that. I can’t see you ever doing anything other than exactly what you want to do. I can’t see anyone ever wanting to change any part of you. Guy sounds like a complete loser.”
“I never thought I would be willing to do any of that either. That was the scariest part. And, yeah, turns out he was a complete loser, and I didn’t even see it.”
I take my hand off his leg and lace my fingers with his. “So, do you think you’ll ever give another guy a chance? Or have you given up on love completely?”
He squeezes my hand. “I don’t know. I think some of my faith has been restored today.”
“Oh yeah?” I ask hopefully.
“Yeah. It’s weird how things are hardly ever what they appear to be. I mean, it didn’t escape me that you were hot, or that you were cool when it was just the two of us talking in class, but the things I’ve witnessed you do today, the person you turned out to be, I wouldn’t have ever guessed it. You’re pretty amazing, Jay.”
“Maybe it’s you who’s head over combat boots.”
“Maybe,” he agrees through his laughter.
“Maybe’s not good enough,” I tease him. “You want me.”
“Hell yeah.”
“You like me.”
“For sure.”
I lean down and run my tongue along the inside of his mouth. When his tongue finds mine, I pull away. “Shit,” he mutters under his breath.
“You really like me.”
“Yeah, Jay, I do,” he practically moans.
I lean my body on his until I can feel his hard-on pushing into my thigh. I run my leg up his, and he groans. I dig my fingers into his waistband, barely brushing his flesh, and he grabs on to my ass. I move my hand out of his pants, up his stomach and chest until it’s digging into the base of his skull. I get another moan. I turn my body and move my hips like I know he likes me to until we’re grinding together. His eyes roll to the back of his head. “Jay,” he mutters.
I bite down on his clavicle then nip and suck my way up his neck, across his jaw, and to his ear. “You need me,” I growl.
“Fuck yeah,” he breathes.
“I’m part of you now.”
“Right now, Jay, I would tell you just about anything. But I’m not lying when I say that, yeah, you managed to sneak in somehow. And it was anything but slowly. You are so inside of me.”
I roll off him. “Good.”
He laughs. “Is this payback? For the shit I pulled at The Farm?”
“No. I just needed to hear that, and I figured you wouldn’t say it if I didn’t drag it out of you.”
“So what do I get from you?”
“Ha. Is that a joke? I’ve spent the better part of the day telling you exactly how I feel about you and trying to get you to put your hands and mouth on me. I mean, I just told you that I’m pretty sure I’m on the fast track to falling in love with you. God, I totally suck at this shit, don’t I? I mean, a little bit of discretion would probably do me some good. Nothing like laying it all out there. Just keep in mind that I’m so damn tired I’m delirious. Maybe in the morning I won’t be so whipped.”
“I hate to break it to you, but I’m pretty sure it is the morning. And you’re still totally whipped.”
I follow his gaze down to the horizon where the first signs of light are spreading out. It’s beautiful. “I can’t remember the last time I saw the sun rise. Seems like it’s important right now.”
“It’s a new beginning.”
“For me?” I wonder.
“For both of us.”
“The first day of the rest of my life, right? It’s all beginning now.”
“How do you feel about that?”
I think about it for a moment. I watch as the light creeps into the dark, taking away this intimate moment I’m having with Brighton and shining a light on the rest of the world that I know is out there. That I’ll have to deal with. “I kind of don’t want this moment to end. I kind of just want to hide out here with you forever. But at the same time, I’m excited. I’m ready to embrace whatever is coming my way. I feel prepared, for the first time in my life, to deal with it. I want to do that.”
“And if it gets too overwhelming, I’ll bring you back here. We can lie in the darkness and pretend there’s nothing else out there.”
I smile at that. “Have I thanked you? For today, for everything you did for me today?”
“Probably. We�
�ve said a lot of shit to each other today.”
“I’m serious. I couldn’t have done any of this without you. I wouldn’t have been strong enough. I wouldn’t have had the chance to see the things I needed to see.”
“You made me stronger too, Jay,” he whispers.
“That sun is rising way too fast,” I tell him as I watch the colors spreading. The stars are almost impossible to see. “I don’t want this day to end.”
“There’s no reason every day can’t be like this one.”
“No day will ever be like this one.”
“Well, no, but every day can be as great as this one.”
I can’t help but laugh at that. “I have to face my family today. And I have to go back to school the day after that. I’m pretty sure neither of those days will be as good as this one.”
“You never know, Jay.”
We lie there in silence, our bodies touching, our fingers wound together lazily. Nothing in the air but the music.
You never know, Jay. Brighton’s words stay in my mind. I watch as the earth spins and we enter a new day.
It hits me how great this could all be.
You never know. Every day is a new day; every day has the potential to be great. I don’t remember ever thinking that before. Hope. Potential. Possibilities. It’s all new to me, and suddenly the thought of a new day is exciting rather than scary.
Chapter Sixteen
Brighton
I KEPT my eyes open until it literally wasn’t possible to do it anymore. Jay and I lay in each other’s arms in my bed, quiet music playing in the background. Our words lazy and unfocused. Our hands roaming but not trying to go anywhere. I fell asleep in a hazy state of happiness. The world seemed unreal. Everything seemed like a dream.
And now, as Jay kisses his way across my chest and up my neck, it still feels that way. I’m waking up, and the dream is still here, in fact his wet mouth is all over me.
Riding with Brighton Page 17
