by TJ Hamilton
‘It’s alright, but it’s not home,’ Hayden confessed. ‘I live with my Uncle Ray for now. I’ve been thinking of moving out. Rent’s too expensive in Sydney to get my own place. I don’t earn much from the centre. Mum was talking about living with me, but then the judge made Brayden stay in this shithole.’
‘Yeah, sorry. That’s because I put my hand up to be his buddy.’
‘It all makes sense now.’
Most of what he told Leila was true, except he hadn’t been at the centre as much as he wanted. The income he got from his brother barely covered the cost of living, and everything else was deposited in a family trust.
After his dad’s death, his mum had pushed hard for an inquest, using local legal aid, writing letters, shit he’d never seen her do before. Six months later, his family had ninety thousand dollars. It was a moment of consolation to mask the hole his dad left. Hayden didn’t know if she’d always planned to put the money away, or if she’d planned to give it to her kids, but the day she got the cheque, Jayden was arrested and the trust was established.
Over time, his mum had grown cautious about their windfall, and protective of it. She didn’t want it to go to them until they had proven they could handle it. For Jayden, the account became the perfect hiding place for his drug proceeds. Hayden used a burner account to transfer money into the family’s trust at the same time the account’s interest was added. If they didn’t touch the money, the cops couldn’t prove it was dirty. At first glance, it was a separate insurance payment. Make it regular and make it predictable, Jayden told Hayden.
He knew how foolish it was to trust Jayden, but his desire to keep out of the family business meant following instructions, keeping his head down, and not involving himself too deep.
From his first arrest to his latest armed robbery charge, Jayden’s cunning evolved; he grew harder. Hayden was trapped by loyalty but also, more and more, by the fear of what his brother would do if he opted out. Being back in Echo Springs was the only way Hayden controlled the drugs in and out of town, and he could ensure his family, his mum, was safe. He was convinced Jayden intended for the money to go further, really helping his brother and mum set up themselves up for a positive future. Maybe it could mean a fresh start in a new town.
Maybe Hayden was just as good at lying to himself as Jayden was at lying to those around him.
He sat with Leila at the bar for the next hour, enjoying her loosened tongue. She talked about everything from how badly the Rabbitohs did in the last season of NRL to the cost of petrol in the city, avoiding anything deep and meaningful. The more time Hayden spent with Leila, the more he realised his life had barely moved on since he’d last seen her. He was in limbo, stumbling through the motions of life without her. It was never his choice to leave things the way they had and he hadn’t fully recovered from the aftermath of their sudden break-up. Leila’s life, on the other hand, had grown exponentially; she’d developed into a strong woman and left the girl she once was in her dust.
What would their relationship look like if he had gone after her to rebuild everything he lost the day she left town? Or was it better to just forget what had been and bury himself in the present? He knew just the person he needed to speak to, and he was due to pay his brother a visit anyway.
Leila’s eyelids had started to lag every time they closed.
Hayden pushed off the barstool, reaching for her hand. ‘Come on, I’ll walk you home.’
Her left brow pulled inward. ‘I can walk myself home, you know.’
Even drunk, she was still so proud. It entertained him. ‘I’m sure you can. I’m just being polite, Lah Lah.’
Her shoulders relaxed. He’d always wanted to take care of her, she’d probably just forgotten. She got up from her stool and stumbled back slightly. Hayden caught her elbow.
‘Yep, definitely walking you home.’.
‘I’m not drunk, it’s the stupid anaesthetic the doctor gave me,’ she explained. ‘I probably should’ve stayed home.’
‘Anaesthetic? How badly did you hurt yourself? I knew I should’ve stayed.’
Leila looked down at her hand. ‘I think the doctor said I have twelve stitches. Apparently I missed any tendons, nerves and arteries though.’
‘Oh, that’s a positive.’
She was still the stubborn annoying girl who thought she didn’t need anyone. But Hayden knew better.
‘See ya, Kaz,’ Leila called out as she left.
On the five-block stroll back to Leila’s house, Hayden tried to avoid asking what he really wanted to know, but the closer they got to her house, the more the questions pushed against the inside of his skull, until he couldn’t keep them inside anymore.
‘I honestly didn’t think I was going to see you again. You didn’t have to suffer on your own, you know.’
‘Who said I was suffering?’ She didn’t look him in the eye.
‘I don’t know why you would ever come back after...’ He stopped himself from talking about what was really on his mind.
‘I ask myself the same thing every day, don’t worry.’
‘Then what changed to make you come back?’
She kicked at the ground slightly as she walked.
‘I couldn’t let everyone I love screw up their lives. I came back to help change it, and prove to the town that we’re not scum.’
‘I’ve never thought our families were scum.’
Leila’s eyes snapped to his. ‘Neither did I, but I worked out that we were the only ones who didn’t think that. I can’t have my family’s name go down like that in this town. I’m the only child, so it’s up to me to change it.’
‘And you thought becoming a cop was going to be the right choice in this situation?’
‘It’s worked so far, hasn’t it? Your brother is a perfect example of why I came home. He’s a good kid. He just needs positive guidance.’
Her words whipped him in the face. How could she insult his family, his mum, even himself? Sure, Brayden was a reckless kid, and he reminded Hayden of young Jayden. But what else was his Mum supposed to do? Realistically, a kid like Brayden probably needed someone on him twenty-four-seven.
‘Mum is doing her best, but she can’t be everywhere at once.’
‘Then why aren’t you here?’
Hayden stopped. ‘I was coming back. I just had things to sort out in the city first.’
‘Things that were more important than your brother?’
Truth was, he had to make sure his other brother kept his associates well away from his family.
‘Come on, let’s keep walking, we’re almost at your house.’ Hayden didn’t reach out to touch her or guide her, he just kept walking.
A few metres along, Hayden opened the gate of the waist-height wire fence and allowed her to walk through first. At her front door, she rummaged through her bag for her keys.
‘Thanks for walking me home, it was really nice of you.’
‘Do you ever think about her?’ He couldn’t stop himself.
She didn’t answer.
Hayden reached out, cradling Leila’s elbow and pulling her to him. She didn’t fight it and he reached for her chin. With a hooked index finger, he pulled her head up slowly. She watched his dark eyes, searching deep in them until their lips finally met. Memories flooded back to him, the exact reason he’d never been able to keep away, would never be able to stay away—this. This passion. Her tongue found the warmth of his; she tasted like every colour of the rainbow. He gripped her waist and pulled her into him, deepening the kiss. Everything about her fit perfectly into him and they both knew it. He breathed her in, and rubbed his nose against her cheek. She pulled back and his mind, quiet while kissing her, was bombarded with questions again. ‘Hayden,’ she whispered.
‘I didn’t think I’d get to do that again,’ he smiled.
‘We can’t. Not after—’ He pressed his fingers against her lips to stop her from talking.
‘Don’t think too much into this, it’s j
ust a kiss. I wanted to see if you still kissed like you used to.’
She pulled herself away and unlocked her front door. She had her phone in her hand and he took it from her.
‘Here, I’m putting my number into your phone. If you ever need to use it, I’ll be on the other end waiting.’ He handed it back to her before she could react.
‘Goodnight,’ she finally managed.
She made her way through the doorway, and he watched her for a moment before turning and walking back down her ramp. There was always going to be a connection between them, no matter how much he wished it away. Every fibre in his body sparked whenever she was around and although he told himself it was wrong, she was selfish, she was a cop, she allowed herself to feel all of it. Being wrong never felt so right.
Chapter Eleven
Leila woke up overwhelmed with happiness, despite the throbbing in her hand and head. She didn’t know why she’d convinced herself that it was going to be hard to be around Hayden. The only things stopping her were her own insecurities, so she decided to let them go and see where things took them instead.
The first thing Leila had to do was deliver her doctor’s certificate in to the superintendent at the station so that they could get a replacement officer sent over from Bourke for the next couple of weeks until her wound healed enough to go onto light duties at the station. They were already short-staffed with Hartley Cooper away overseas.
She struggled getting on her usual jean shorts because of the thumping coming from her bandaged hand. She cursed her temper for getting so out of control. She could move on from this; she didn’t need to be angry.
Forgoing shorts, she opted for a black maxi dress for ease and comfort in the heat. Getting any type of shoe on was also impossible so she slipped into black slides. Leila attempted to do something with her mane, but failed even getting it up into a hair tie with one hand. Again, she conceded defeat and let her hair flow for the second day in a row. Quickly dusting her cheeks with bronzer, she stared at her refection for a moment. Hating being useless and vulnerable, she took a deep breath and exhaled long and slow before heading out the door, ready to take on the world.
Deciding to walk instead of driving, Leila hit the footpath with a bounce in her step. As she turned the corner, she noticed the car of Detective Senior Constable Mac Hudson driving towards her. The car pulled over and the window came down as he pulled alongside her at the kerb.
‘Thought I better give you a heads up about what you’re about to walk in to at the station,’ Mac said.
Leila frowned. ‘Really?’
‘Smithy saw you with Hayden Terrance last night,’ he continued.
‘So what?’
‘So what, Leila? Do you realise how much of a conflict of interest it is when you’re the buddy of Brayden Terrance? Everyone back at the station knows about it too, so I’d say the Boss will want to speak to you about it.’
‘Why did Smithy think it was so appropriate to tell everybody about my business anyway?’
‘Maybe you need to be more discreet in future?’
‘Discreet? I’ve done nothing wrong. Hayden and I can’t even share a drink at a pub before we’re suddenly fucking? This town is bullshit!’ Vaguely, she remembered Hayden saying something very similar the day before.
‘Apparently you shared more than just a drink when he walked you home?’
‘Are you serious? Smithy was spying on me? What a fucking creep! I think that’s more of a concern. Him being a creepy Peeping Tom!’
Mac shrugged. ‘Take that up with the Boss, but when you stand at your front porch kissing the guy you agreed not to have any association with, the Boss is going to want to know about it, and will have something to say about it. You know how it works, Leila.’
Mac was right. The fog of alcohol and prescription drugs had completely clouded her judgement. There were reasons why she couldn’t be with Hayden. If it would cost her the career she had fought so hard to acquire, that was a compromise she wasn’t willing to make.
***
Leila walked through the station as quickly as possible. She felt Sergeant Cooper’s eyes pierce her skin as she passed his office on the way to see the superintendent. Standing at the closed door to the boss’s office, Leila paused for a moment before giving three hard, swift knocks. Act confident, she encouraged herself.
Superintendent Katherine Stuart called out, ‘Come in.’
With her head high, Leila stood at attention in front of the boss’s desk. ‘Ma’am, I have something I need to confess.’ She ran the risk of sounding insubordinate.
Superintendent Stuart trained a firm gaze on Leila, her mouth pursed, before she said, ‘Take a seat, Mayne.’ She continued scrawling her pen across the paper in front of her.
Leila waited while the superintendent finished signing paperwork. Katherine snapped the lid on her fountain pen and folded her hands in front of her. ‘Go ahead then,’ she said.
‘Well, I have to disclose that I was with Hayden Terrance last night, and although it appears that some people believe we were intimate—not that it’s anyone else’s business, if I can be completely frank—but I can assure you I wouldn’t jeopardise my position with the Youth Justice Program by getting involved with Hayden Terrance in a romantic way.’
The superintendent was quiet for at least four seconds longer than Leila was comfortable with.
‘I have been a young woman before, and I know what it’s like to have your heart and your head pull you in two different directions,’ Katherine said. ‘If you need me to remove you from the program, I can, and will completely understand in doing so.’
‘No. No. Honestly, that won’t be necessary, Boss. My heart bleeds blue. My job will always come first. But I’d like to know why Constable Smith thought it was okay to follow me? There are questions with his motive there. What did he expect to find me doing?’ She wasn’t going to be judged.
‘He was on his way to Ricardo Street at the time for a curfew check. It wasn’t Constable Smith who put the complaint in.’
‘There’s an official complaint already? On what grounds?’
‘Sergeant Cooper felt that we needed to remove you from the program.’
Leila shook her head in disbelief.
The boss put her hand up. ‘But I didn’t sign off on the paperwork until I had spoken with you. I want you to know that you will be interviewed during the week about it, so take some time at home. Rest your hand and think about what’s best for you.’
Leila studied the Boss. She was a striking woman. Ben always said she had very horse-like features, but Leila liked her. She was strong and fearless.
‘Are you happy, ma’am?’ Leila dared to ask.
It was a risk to speak so candidly to the highest-ranking officer in the station, but Leila needed her professional perspective.
Katherine smiled. ‘Of course I am. The Command’s stats are all trending down, our Youth Justice Program is on top of juvenile delinquency, and break-and-enters are sitting at an all-time low.’
‘No, I mean, with everything you’ve achieved in life? Would you do everything the same if you had a chance to repeat it?’
‘You want to know if I have ever sacrificed love for this job?’
Leila nodded sheepishly.
‘Sometimes, everyone has moments of reflection where you wonder what the right choice was, but for the most part I have accepted my decisions and haven’t looked back.’ The Boss folded her hands into one another and she leaned across the desk. ‘You are a fine young constable. You’re sincere and committed and I have every confidence that you will make it as high up the ranks as you want to go. But you’re going to have to really weigh up what you want out of life. You can create change; you’ve said so yourself. And if you feel that you’ve achieved that already and there’s nothing more you could do, then you’ve answered all your questions for yourself.’
Leila knew she hadn’t finished everything she’d set out to achieve in Echo Springs, so the de
cision wasn’t difficult.
‘I will have to associate with him to some extent, ma’am. Our families are tight, and I am still Brayden’s buddy.’
‘I’m well aware of that, Mayne. I’ll leave it up to you to determine the level of acceptable association with Hayden Terrance. But please, I implore you to come and talk to me if a line has been crossed. My door is always open to you.’
Leila nodded and softly smiled. She handed over the doctor’s certificate and signed the paperwork the boss had for her to cover the days off.
‘As soon as Doctor Evans gives you the all-clear to come back to work, I’ll get you to work from the PCYC. Sergeant Garrison said the number of kids coming in has increased significantly, so he needs more help. I think you’d be great down there.’
‘That won’t be forever though, right? I still want to manage cases as an OIC before I go into a job that I’ll end up retiring in.’
Superintendent Stuart laughed. ‘You can come back and run an investigation as soon as you do a re-shoot and defensive training to lift your restrictions. You’ll need clearance before that though. The doctor said you’ve got a deep cut in your palm. It might take a bit more time to recover than you think.’
‘I don’t think it’s that bad, ma’am.’
‘Any type of hand injury has to pass the grip test, remember.’
Leila was over the lecture from her superior and smiled in defeat.
‘Thanks, Boss. I promise to let it heal properly,’ she said and briskly left the office.
As she walked out of the station, Leila let the hot sting from the sun set into her skin. She normally hated being away from work, but maybe a few days off were just what she needed to clear her head and get her priorities straight.
Chapter Twelve
Hayden filled out all the requirements of the visitor request form at the front counter of Silverwater Correctional Complex. He slid the clipboard into the drawer and the warden on the other side pulled it through to his side of the protective Perspex barrier.
He looked over the details and smiled an insincere smile. ‘Hayden, just take a seat and I’ll put the request through. Get comfortable, this might take a while to process.’
