by TJ Hamilton
Leila inhaled, but before she could take another breath Ned staggered in, bouncing off the doorway of the back door as he launched towards her. ‘Poss, I haven’t seen you for ages. Give your old man a hug.’
Leila didn’t answer. She came by at least once a fortnight, but each time she’d see Ned collapsed in a drunken stupor on the couch through the front curtains and couldn’t bring herself to open the front door.
Ned tripped over his feet and crashed messily into Leila. He caught the edge of the bamboo tray, sending it flying across the room, dropping its precious cargo everywhere. The marinated olives fired into Leila’s face like shotgun pellets. The ceramic bowl they were in smacked into her forehead with force. Time slowed as the beetroot dip sprayed out of its container, covering three of them and the wall like a blood splatter. The hummus and crackers crashed to the floor. Baked figs whacked into Ned’s face. The tray landed on the lino floor, spinning around and around in the echoing silence.
If she were a different person, Leila would have laughed. She wanted to laugh. She wanted to be the person who could find the humour in the drunk-clumsy actions of her father.
But she wasn’t.
She smiled at her dad, who was frozen on the spot, and went to grab a cloth. Brayden walked through the front door, confronted by the sight in the room.
‘What the fuck happened here?’ he said.
Hayden hit him across the back of the head. ‘Hey, watch your language.’
‘Have you reported?’ Leila’s attention was immediately drawn to Brayden.
Brayden held up the printed receipt to confirm his bail compliance.
‘Did you tell them you were going to be here tonight, in case they go to your house?’
He shrugged a reply and looked to the ground. She could see Brayden was getting annoyed, but bail wasn’t supposed to be fun.
‘Remember, you have to play by their rules. We want you here with us, and not in juvie.’ Leila reminded him.
Hayden chimed in. ‘She’s right mate, you can’t mess around anymore.’
‘Can you call them and let them know for me then?’ He gave his devilish grin and Leila instantly buckled.
‘Only if you give me a hug,’ she teased and held out her arms, oil dripping from her fingers.
‘Get lost,’ he said and escaped to the kitchen to get himself a drink of lemonade.
Sue picked the tray up and started placing the crackers back onto it again. Hayden leaned down to help her. Cath held onto the side of Leila’s arm. ‘You know your dad would be really embarrassed right now. He wants to get better, you know.’
Leila looked at her mum. ‘Don’t do that, Mum.’
Her mum frowned. ‘Do what?’
‘Lie. You don’t need to lie for Dad. He’s a drunk and always will be.’
Her mum looked sympathetically at her. ‘He just gets nervous when he knows you’re coming around. He still struggles with who you are around town.’
Leila could feel anger rising. ‘Being a cop is what I do, it’s not who I am.’
Her mum searched her daughter’s eyes.
‘Your dad was talking about signing up for AA.’
Leila held her hands out, showing the mess strewn across her body. ‘And how’s that going for him, Mum?’
‘I’ve still got some of your old clothes in the cupboard of your bedroom. Why don’t you go and get yourself cleaned up? We’ll sort out the mess here. Don’t worry, Poss. I’ll order some chooks and Sue’s got her potato bake in the oven. We’ll still all have a nice night.’ She offered a smile.
Leila felt Hayden’s stare from across the room, and smiled meekly at her mum. This wasn’t her mother’s fault. Her anger wasn’t directed at Cath, or even her father. She was just angry at their choices, their life, and her own stubborn ambition. Why couldn’t she just be happy as a check-out chick in the supermarket or a hairdresser, like everyone else in her high school class? Whatever the reasons, she wouldn’t have fought for this life so ferociously if it weren’t for her parents, so she still owed them some gratitude whether she liked it or not.
Chapter Fourteen
Her old bedroom had an unused musty smell to it. The bright walls would always remind her of the day her mum got wasted and decided to spontaneously paint her room candy pink. As an eight-year-old she had thought it was magical when her mum did things impulsively, but as a teenager it served as a reminder of her mother’s addiction. Her mum hadn’t even remembered that she had done it when she sobered up the next morning, yelling at Leila instead. So as a teenager she plastered the walls with any poster she could get her hands on, erasing the memories as much as she could.
A large Harry Potter movie poster sat proudly above her bed; the books and movies were a favoured form of escapism during adolescence. Posters of all the actors from Gossip Girl hung across the largest wall in the room, next to posters of Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu and Cameron Diaz in various poses as Charlie’s Angels. Her bed still had the original cover on; a sky-blue watercolour pattern with white daisies. Nothing had been touched in here since she left home seven years earlier when she moved out to live with Hayden. She sat on her bed and peered around the room. She sighed; her mum did try, and Leila hardly took notice of the good. Why did her mum leave her room as it was? In a way, did Cath grieve the loss of her daughter?
Opening the big vintage wardrobe—which would look great in her own home—Leila opened a drawer to find the Green Day t-shirt she had forgotten she even missed until now, and chuckled. Under it were some Bonds hoodies and other t-shirts she had also forgotten about. As she opened the drawer below, Leila closed her eyes and prayed to find the missing blue velour track pants she had loved so much. When she opened it, there was only a short denim skirt, ripped at the bottom, and a few scrunchies scattered. She held the skirt up against her waist and moved back to look into the full-length mirror beside the door. It could work. She stripped out of her shorts and singlet, wiping herself down with her dirtied top, and pulled her old denim skirt on. Sliding into her old Green Day shirt, Leila made her way over to the wooden desk that doubled as a dresser, and picked up her old brush. She blew off the dust and tried to brush some of the oil out, which only spread it through her hair more. Looking in the mirror, she realised it was a futile effort. The olive oil wouldn’t come out unless she showered, so she awkwardly threw her dark waves up into a top-knot with one of her old scrunchies.
She slid back into her shoes, folded her dirtied clothes and opened her bedroom door. Taking one last look back at her old room, she slowly closed the door behind her.
Hayden caught sight of Leila when she walked back into the lounge room. ‘Someone’s bringing back the noughties,’ he laughed. ‘I remember how much you loved that t-shirt. You’d wear it for days without showering during the school holidays. Here.’ Hayden handed her a towel to wipe the oil from her face.
‘I used to wash. Not like you! I remember Uncle Mick had to hit you with a hose a couple of times because you hated showering during the school holiday.’
‘It’s call holidays for a reason.’ Hayden shrugged.
‘Thankfully that’s one habit he’s grown out of,’ Sue said. ‘His room stank when he hit his teens. In fact, all the boys’ rooms were gross.’
Cath held up a couple of twenty-dollar notes. ‘Hey Brayden, love. Can you pop up to Clayton’s and grab us four chooks. That’s a good lad.’ She didn’t give him the opportunity to answer before she dumped the notes into his hand.
Brayden’s shoulders slouched and his head drooped. ‘But I just walked all the way here from Bradman Place! Hayden, can you drive me down to the shops?’
Hayden nodded. ‘Come on.’ He walked towards the front door, grabbing his keys from the dining table on the way.
Leila helped her mum and Sue clean up the remaining bits of cheese from the floor.
‘You’ll have to make this again for us, Poss. It looked lovely,’ her mum said, offering a smile.
‘I will.’ Leila tried smiling back.
Cath brightened, and a shard of guilt pierced Leila’s heart.
‘I like your earrings, Sue. They’re not from Echo Springs are they?’ Leila asked.
‘No, love. You don’t find these around here anywhere. Hayden bought them back from his trip to see his brother today. They’re pretty neat, huh?’
It was a sixteen-hour round trip and yet he managed to look well rested. Why did he drive there and back in one hit?
‘He drove to Sydney and back today?’ Her thoughts spilled out of her mouth.
‘Yeah, he left last night and just got back an hour ago. Said it couldn’t wait and he had to go.’
What couldn’t wait? Even as kids, Leila and Jayden had never seen eye to eye. The very mention of Hayden’s jailbird brother made her stomach turn acid and sour.
Sue brought the vacuum cleaner to life, the sudden sound breaking Leila out of her spiralling thoughts.
‘Would you like a drink, Poss?’ Cath waved a cleanskin bottle of wine at her from the kitchen. Leila dropped the last of the cheese chunks into the bin and shook her head. ‘No thanks.’
Cath frowned. ‘Come on, Poss. Lighten up a bit.’
‘I had a bit too much to drink last night, and I’m on some strong antibiotics, so I’m good. Really.’
‘Best reason to have a drink is to clear a hangover,’ Cath said as she poured out a glass for Leila anyway.
‘Spoken like a true wino.’ Leila took the glass without sipping it and smiled at her mum. ‘It was a joke, Mum.’
By the time the dining room and kitchen were in order again, Hayden and Brayden had walked back through the front door, bags of roast chickens from Clayton’s in their grip.
They placed them on the kitchen bench and Hayden made his way back to the front door as he pulled out a cigarette from its packet. Leila looked at her mum, waiting to see if she needed more help. Instead Cath nodded at the door, encouraging her to follow him. ‘Go on then, I’m sure you two have got plenty to catch up on.’
They did, but the officer Leila had become had questions, and she was going to get some answers. With a glass of wine in her hand, Leila smiled at both her mother and pseudo-aunty, and made her way to Hayden.
Hayden sat on one of two plastic chairs at the front of the house. She took the other. A thick hedge had grown over the railing at the front, narrowing the width of the sitting area. A short round table separated them.
‘That look on your face when your old man sent that platter flying…’ Hayden’s eyes pinched in the corners as he grinned.
‘You must be tired after your big drive. I don’t know how you’re still standing.’ Leila watched him from the corner of her eye.
Hayden nodded as he drew on his cigarette. ‘I won’t be having a late night, that’s for sure.’
Leila paused. Did she really want the answers or should she just drop it? She couldn’t drop it.
‘Your mum said you went to see Jayden.’
Hayden nodded.
‘That’s a long way to just visit your brother.’
Hayden watched her. ‘Is this an official interview, officer?’
Her eyes snapped to him. ‘Everything is suspicious in my world. Even you.’
He laughed. ‘Well, what a time to be alive.’
‘The only reason you visit someone in prison over phoning them is because you want to tell them something … covertly.’
‘Is that right?’ He was mocking her.
Leila looked back out to the street, full of doubt. The job made her distrusting of people and far too quick to judge. Had she read this all wrong?
‘How about you use your copper contacts to see the footage from my visit with Jayden for yourself instead of interrogating me,’ he said, getting up to walk back inside.
Leila let Hayden walk past her without glancing in his direction, acknowledging her haste in accusing him of something so quickly. Why did she have to push for answers when she wasn’t completely sure she wanted to know anyway?
The table was set when she wandered back inside, with Sue’s famous potato bake proudly taking centre stage. Leila tipped her warm wine into the sink, and decided to pour herself a fresh glass. She did want to loosen up around her family. Why couldn’t she just relax around them like she did when she had a drink with friends?
Brayden sat impatiently while Cath prepared the rest of the roast chickens, spreading out cut-up pieces in single-use oven trays. Taking a sip of her drink, Leila watched Sue smother the salad with a bottle of dressing, soaking the lettuce, tomatoes and onion, and smiled. Sue had always poured so much dressing it made everyone squint from the sourness. One gathering, Sue was beside herself when she couldn’t locate the beloved dressing. It wasn’t until they found a newly crawling Brayden with the contents of it poured all over him that they’d realised where it had gone. The poor kid stank of the stuff for days after that. There were plenty of happy memories Leila had of her family, she’d just forgotten how to remember them.
Hayden walked back into the room. ‘Ned looks too comfortable to disturb.’ Everyone understood the subtext of Hayden’s comment. For the ease of their night together, it wasn’t such a bad thing if he was left to sleep off his intoxication. Leila wanted to believe he could break this beast. She couldn’t give up on him—like everyone seemed to.
They all sat down at the table and Brayden started grabbing at pieces of chicken, placing them on his plate. Hayden sat back to wait. Sue gave Hayden a wink, acknowledging her middle son’s chivalry. It didn’t go unnoticed by Leila, and she couldn’t keep from meeting his eyes, their gaze locking as food was passed around in front of them. There was so much she wished she could talk with him about.
He smiled; heat rose up her neck. There was no denying their chemistry. But Leila knew the consequences of crossing that line. Was her career worth giving up the love of her life?
Chapter Fifteen
The thumping finally brought her back to her senses. Her ears rang and her head pounded. She looked around. There was nothing but dust. She couldn’t breathe. What had happened? Why couldn’t she breathe? She grabbed at her throat but couldn’t feel anything. She was numb all over. Something wet slid down her face. Looking at her hand, she saw blood. She was bleeding? From what? Where’s Mum? Hayden?
‘Hayden!’ she called out. ‘Mum!’
No one answered back. She called again. Suddenly the earth beneath her shook. What the hell had happened?
‘Hayden!’ she screamed.
The sound of her own voice woke her suddenly and she stared into the darkness of her bedroom.
Everything was silent and she could breathe again. Her forehead was dampened from sweat; her heart pounded in her ears.
‘It was just a dream,’ she whispered into the night air.
Leila got up and headed to the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of water. She stared out the window above her sink into her moonlit backyard beyond. The subtle light cast shadows across the two citrus trees in the middle of the grassed area. Leila hadn’t felt alone in a long time but Hayden’s return had shifted something in her and she couldn’t deny it any longer. She went back to her bedroom and found her phone. Checking the time—two am—she fought the urge to find Hayden’s number and call. She scrolled through the contacts and paused, focusing on his name, the nine digits taunting her. She really shouldn’t. She couldn’t. She tapped call. Pressing her phone to her ear, Leila tried to settle her pounding heart. The phone rang once, twice, three times…she should just hang up. But he’d see that she’d called in the middle of the night anyway—she was in it now.
‘Hey. Is everything okay? What’s happened?’
His sleepy voice made her smile. He sounded soft, gentle, vulnerable. She sat on the edge of the bed, imagining he was next to her like he used to be.
She wanted to tell him how much she still loved him, but stopped herself from completely drowning in her raw emotion. ‘Everything’s fine. Well, it’s not fine. But I’m okay. I just had a nightmare and wan
ted to talk to someone. It’s late though. You just drove back from Sydn—’
‘Leila. It’s fine. I told you I’d always be here.’ He paused. ‘Did you want me to come over?’
‘Yes,’ Leila said without hesitation.
‘Okay,’ he replied and abruptly ended the call.
What had she just done? She put the phone on the counter and slapped her uninjured hand against her forehead. Why did she just do that? Why couldn’t she just keep her mouth closed and thoughts to herself? She’d had nightmares before.
Leila hurried around her bedroom, throwing the strewn blue uniform and other clothes into her washing basket and quickly kicking her work boots into her wardrobe. She paused. Why was she fussing about the bedroom so much? There was no way he would ever be in her room. She wouldn’t go there. Not tonight, or any night. You invited him over in the middle of the night! Sure, she felt like she needed company after having bad dreams, but why her old flame? The old flame her supportive boss had very compassionately told her to stay away from?
There was a quiet knock at her back door and Leila jolted upright. That was quick.
Pausing for a moment at the door, she talked herself through the next moments. She definitely not going to kiss him. She was definitely not going to touch him. She was definitely going to remain in control. Opening the door, she took a deep breath. Hayden’s dark eyes were shadowed and his brow was furrowed. The light of the moon highlighted his strong, angular jawline. Her fingers twitched with the urge to trace it.
The silence lingered, but she didn’t know how to break it, how to defuse this loaded moment. She had no idea what to do, and then Hayden saved her. He saved them both by stepping forward, throwing his arm around her and pulling her in to him. His lips caressed hers as he kicked the door shut behind him with one swift move. Leila was powerless to do anything but kiss him back. His lips were soft, stubble rough, and he held her securely, as if he never wanted to let her go. He offered her everything she yearned for. Their bond was stronger than her will. Lifting her off the ground, he helped her wrap her legs around his waist, securing herself to him. Her arm slid around the back of his solid neck and the fingers of her bandaged hand touched the side of his face delicately. He proceeded carefully as their kiss deepened, walking towards her bedroom, the very room she wanted to avoid. She peeked between lashes as he lowered her gently onto the bed.
