by Gayle Roper
“Enjoy it, Becky,” I whispered as I hugged her. “It’s so elegant and beautiful. That is, if you can take your eyes off Sam long enough to look around.”
“I’ll look,” she promised. “Just for you. And thank you for all you did for Trevor and me, Rose. You’ll never know what your friendship means to me.”
I left soon after the newlyweds, climbing into my car alone and going back to the farm. I spent the evening trying to read, trying to watch TV, trying to do some needlepoint. The only thing I seemed capable of doing effectively was pitying myself.
My beeper sounded at 2 a.m. I fell out of bed and scrambled into some clothes. I sped to the fire hall, being careful to watch for Amish-men on scooters also responding. I slotted my car into a parking spot behind the fire hall at the same time as Harry. We climbed into the ambulance and went to the nightmare.
By the time I returned to the farm, I was numb. I climbed wearily out of the car and walked to the house. The quiet and peace of this place were exactly what I needed to restore my spirit. I leaned against the wall at the bottom of my stairs, trying to get the energy to climb them. I laid my head against the wall and closed my eyes.
“Rose?”
I opened my eyes and saw Jake coming through his doorway. I didn’t even have the energy to react.
“Are you okay?” His voice was soft and rich with the concern I used to hear in it.
I shook my head. “It was terrible. Everything I hate in a call. Kids drinking. Innocent people killed. Waste.” I slid down until I sat on my third step. I rested my head on my knees. “Terrible, terrible waste.”
Jake wheeled up until his chair made a T with my knees. “Tell me about it, Tiger.”
“Some kids were drinking and weaving all over the roads. A local cop saw them and drove up behind them with his lights flashing. The kids took off. The cop wisely did not pursue them. He didn’t want to cause an accident. There was one anyway. The kids came around a curve at high speed and there was a buggy. They ran into it and then into the tree just beyond it. The couple in the buggy was killed and so were three of the four kids in the car. So was the horse. The only survivor was a boy who panicked and ran. They found him about a mile from the scene, curled in a ball beside the road, crying like a baby.”
“Rose!” Jake looked at me, appalled.
I smiled wearily back. “Things aren’t usually this bad. Tonight’s an exception. It was a job for the coroner, not us.”
We sat in silence for several minutes, not touching physically, but I felt the emotional strength and warmth, the oneness, the passing of energy from him to me.
“Thanks, Jake,” I whispered. “You’re a special guy.” And I laid a hand on his forearm.
He started to raise his other hand like he would cover mine, but he stopped after moving mere inches. His hand fell, and in an instant I felt that barrier rise between us again. Gone was the man who had cared enough to wait up until I came back, and the distant stranger of the past week was back.
“I’m glad you’re fine,” he said in a chilly voice. With a curt nod, he turned and wheeled into his rooms, his door snapping shut with a finality that congealed my blood.
Chapter 17
I ended up not attending Elam and Esther’s wedding.
My supervisor, understandably but disappointingly, wasn’t willing to give me any time off after my recent hiatus. I had mixed feelings about missing the great event. Much as I wanted to be there for Esther, I was just as glad to avoid Jake. That click of the door early Sunday morning had shattered something inside me.
Tuesday morning while everyone else was at the wedding, I had a patient to visit not too far from the farm. I drove down our road past the new construction in the woods. I glanced at it, thinking that the builders were making astonishing progress. It was like watching a barn raising, given the speed with which the project was developing.
As I looked, a familiar figure with light hair walked across what would someday be a front yard. I stared, surprised and pleased, as Sam disappeared around the far side of the rapidly appearing house. I smiled to myself as I drove on. Someone’s story was ending well even if mine wasn’t.
It was late in the day when I stopped at the supermarket at the junction of 340 and Business Route 30 for some sodas and snack crackers to replenish the stash I kept in my room. I turned down one aisle and bumped into a dusty, work-weary Sam, arms full of groceries.
“Hey, guy” I said, “I saw you on the job site today. Congratulations!”
He pumped his fist in the air and grinned. “Isn’t it great? And Becky got a job at the outlet mall.” He grabbed at the loaf of bread that was sliding off his armful, letting it dangle from his fingers. “Soon we’ll be able to get a car for her.” He leaned in close. “Then I won’t have to stop at the store anymore. I hate the store, any store.”
“Spoken like a man.” I grabbed the frozen orange juice that was sliding from beneath his arm and slipped it into his jacket pocket. “They have carts here, you know.”
He grinned sheepishly. I shook my head at him and said in mock disgust, “Guys! Just don’t forget this juice at the checkout or they’ll take us both away.”
Sam nodded his thanks. “I hear they took your bad guy away and he’s now in jail.”
“And what a relief that is!”
“I’ll just bet.” Suddenly Sam looked shy, even blushing slightly. “The Hershey Hotel is really nice.”
I was delighted at his embarrassment. “Isn’t it beautiful?”
“Almost too beautiful for us,” he said. “We felt funny just walking around, let alone eating in the dining room and all.”
I could imagine how the opulence affected a pair of country kids. “But it was fun for a special time, wasn’t it?”
He grinned. “It was great.” I didn’t think he meant just the hotel.
He started for the checkout counter and then turned and called over his shoulder, “Stop at the house sometime. I know you drive by it a lot.” I thought he meant his apartment at first. “It’s going to be a big rancher with wide halls and specific-height counters and stuff, all designed just for Jake.” He shook his head. “It’s going to be something special.”
I stared at his retreating back as my new heart wound bled fresh blood.
The new house was Jake’s.
And he’d never told me about it.
He’d never once indicated he had something as momentous as a specially designed house breaking ground. He’d always sounded as if he meant to live forever in the grossdawdy haus.
Of course I was glad he was moving out on his own. After all, I’d lectured him about being dependent often enough.
But a house with never even a whisper? Nothing could have told me more clearly where I stood with him.
At the checkout I picked up all the local newspapers I could find regardless of date. Tonight I would read all the rental ads and begin searching for that new apartment.
As I struggled against a breeze and full arms to open my passenger side car door, Pastor Adam and Mindy pulled in next to me.
“Here, let me,” Pastor Adam said as he scrambled to help. He pulled the door open, and I dumped my newspapers and bag onto the seat.
“Thanks. I had visions of the papers slipping free and carpeting the parking lot.”
“You look tired,” he said. “Hard day?”
More than he knew. “Every day is tiring, I guess. I think I need to get a heavier concealer stick for the circles under my eyes.” I smiled to show I was all right.
“One good thing,” Pastor Adam said. “Your friend Jake is a wonder.”
“He is,” I said, not quite a statement, not quite a question.
“He hasn’t missed a morning since we began our Bible study over a week ago. Six-thirty comes and there’s Jake. He is hungry for the things of God.”
If Sam’s revelation about the house had jarred me, this news knocked me to the canvas.
“Jake’s meeting with you?” My voice sq
ueaked.
“Whoops,” Pastor Adam said. “I hope I’m not giving away a secret.”
“No, no,” I hurried to say. “I just didn’t realize it was every day.” Or any day.
“I love it when a man comes to Christ and then wants desperately to grow. He’s been a true pleasure.”
“Excuse me, you two,” called Mindy apologetically. “I hate to interrupt, but we’re going to be late, Adam, if we don’t get a move on.”
“Yes, dear,” he said like a henpecked husband, but he smiled at his wife with that you’re-something-special look Jake used to give me. With a nod in my direction, he and Mindy disappeared into the store, his arm casually draped around her waist.
I slowly drove to the farm in the dark of the early winter evening feeling very alone, more alone than I’d ever felt in my whole lonely life. It seemed that every time I thought I couldn’t feel worse, something happened and I felt worse.
As I went down the road, I was drawn to Jake’s new house. I slowed as I passed it, peering through the darkness, trying to assess the day’s progress. I noticed a crushed-stone drive, and on impulse I turned in. The beams of my car lights illuminated the wooden frame of the house. It sprawled in a great U with interesting roof angles and lots of windows.
With a deep sigh I imagined waking up and looking out those windows at the trees with their summer canopies in place, planting a garden and filling the house with flowers clipped fresh each morning, maybe swinging on one of those wooden swings hanging from a great tree. I imagined having a breakfast picnic on the back deck and sitting in the living room in winter before a roaring fire. And I imagined it all with Jake beside me, cheering me on, holding me tight, loving me.
Lord, I love him. I know he doesn’t love me, but I love him. I do. I’m glad he’ll have this beautiful house, but, oh, Lord, help me deal with the fact that I won’t live in it with him.
Since the family was still at the wedding celebration, I went home to an empty house. I raided the refrigerator and carried my food up to my rooms. I ate watching the evening news and Jeopardy. The hours until bedtime stretched endlessly before me. I pulled out the newspapers I’d gotten and studied them for possible rentals.
It’s hard to find a place in a town with no apartment complexes, and I wanted to stay here because of the proximity to the ambulance. I wanted to stay with Harry and Alice and all the others. It looked like they were going to continue to be the closest thing I had to family. Except for Mom, of course.
I ran my hands through my hair. There had to be someplace I could live. I wasn’t fussy. Look where I’d lived before the farm. I could live in a place like that again. Couldn’t I?
I was feeling almost desperate when I heard Jake drive in. I resisted the urge to look out my window and watch him from afar, but I listened closely until I heard the door downstairs open and close. He was home.
I wanted to talk to him so much I could taste the words, to ask him about the house and his secretiveness. I wanted to know what had led him to visit Pastor Adam every morning, to know why he hadn’t told me he’d become a believer.
I wanted to punch him out and hug him hard.
First my fingers tapped restlessly on my thighs. Then my foot started bouncing up and down. Soon both feet were twitching, and I could hardly stay in my chair. When I began pacing, my strides were long, fueled by anger and anxiety. I marched to the top of the steps and stared down into the darkened house. I marched back into my living room and told myself to stay there. I was going to make a fool of myself.
“So what else is new?”
I jumped at the sound of my out loud voice. Finally I just shrugged, stalked downstairs, and knocked on Jake’s inside door.
“Come in.”
I opened the door and walked to the living room. He was sitting on his leather sofa, the one that was so deep my feet didn’t touch the ground. His back was resting against the arm, a pillow behind him, his legs stretched out along the cushions.
“Hello, Jake.” I stood uncertainly in the doorway. Now that I was here, my insecurity overtook my distress.
He looked at me without speaking for a minute. “Hello, Rose.”
I felt foolish. I shouldn’t have come down. I should just leave. He didn’t want me here. I walked over and sat in the rocker by the sofa. That way he wouldn’t have to look up to talk to me.
I wanted to kick myself for that move. I was being nice even in extremity.
“I wanted to tell you that I’m looking for an apartment.” I made my voice as cool as I could as I looked at a spot on the wall beyond his head. “The rooms will be vacant soon.”
He said nothing, just continued to look at me.
I rubbed my sweating hands over my jeans and raised my chin to show I wasn’t affected by him. “I thought you ought to know.”
He nodded. “Thank you. That was kind of you.”
So formal. You’d have thought we were practicing to make Miss Manners proud. How did this happen to us? How did we go from understanding each other’s minds to not even speaking naturally?
“I understand you’ll be moving soon too.” Now I looked at my lap as I spoke, trying to hide my hurt.
“Yes.” He cleared his throat. Nerves? I hoped so. Why should I be the only one uncomfortable here? “Elam and Esther will live in the addition.” He swept an arm to indicate the rooms. “We’ll make it one apartment again instead of two like it is now.”
“Oh. That makes sense.” So he’d been planning on asking me to leave. At least I’d saved face by beating him to the punch.
“Um. The plans have been in the works for a long time, really since soon after my accident. It’s Father’s idea. He says Elam will get the farm, but I’ll get this special house.” He looked at me, one side of his mouth quirked. “But don’t worry. I won’t stay dependent. I plan to pay him back as soon as I’m finished with school, as soon as I’m working.”
I managed a small smile in return. “Will he let you?”
Jake shrugged. “Who knows? But that’s not the issue, is it?”
I shook my head. “No, it’s not.”
We were silent a minute. Then Jake said, “The wedding suddenly made it urgent to carry out the building project immediately.”
“When will your house be ready?”
“In a month or so. They have extra men working on the project now that these rooms are needed.”
“I suppose someone would have gotten around to telling me before I found myself on the street?”
He looked at me, startled by the sudden tartness of my voice. “Of course.”
I stood up and stared down at him. “When, Jake?” I was furious at him. “The day before I had to go? Or would you have kept on avoiding me up until Elam and Esther started moving their furniture in?”
“Now, Rose.” He held up a placating hand.
“Don’t now Rose me! Even Ben was more considerate than you! He screamed and shouted, but at least he talked!” I pointed a finger at him. “You, on the other hand, are an inconsiderate ingrate! Why, you’ve even come to Christ and you never told me! How could you! You know what that means to me!” By now I was pacing in my agitation.
Jake looked at me with a wry smile. “I bet you’re the only Christian to become mad at someone because he’s become a believer, too.”
I looked at him, appalled that he would joke while I was dying. “Don’t you dare mock me!”
He blinked, startled. “Rose, I’d never mock you. Never in a million years.”
“How would I know that?” My voice was shaking again. “You’ve made a mockery of what I thought was a special friendship. Why not mock me too? Good old Rose the Evangelist. Who cares about her?”
He closed his eyes and lowered his head as if in pain. “Rose, don’t do this to me.” He spoke in a whisper.
“Don’t do what to you?” I yelled. “Who’s doing what to you? I’m the one.” I punched him in the arm. “I’m the one!” I punched him again. “I’m dying here, and you
say don’t do it to you?” I raised my fist again though I was having trouble seeing my target through my tears. I struck out feebly.
He grabbed my fist and pulled. Suddenly I was trapped against his chest by the steel bands of his arms.
“Stop it, Rose.” His voice was soft and full of that enveloping warmth.
“Stop what?” I raised hot eyes to his face. “Stop beating on you? Stop yelling at you? Or stop loving you?”
Jake groaned from deep in his soul. “Oh, God, I can’t do it.”
“Are you praying or blaspheming?” I demanded. “If you’re swearing, I’m telling Pastor Adam.”
I felt a laugh rumble deep in his chest. I glared at him. “Don’t you dare laugh at me, Jake Zook. Don’t you dare!” Unfortunately, the last came out in a wobbly whisper.
“Oh, Rosie,” Jake said in a soft voice. He reached out and took my glasses from my nose. He dropped them on the floor.
“Jake?”
His kiss was that of a man who had been without water for too long and I was the refreshing spring. I melted against him and let him drink.
When we broke free, I lay my head on his chest in utter despair. Now I’d have to go through all that agony of separation all over again. I felt his hand beneath my chin lifting my face toward his.
“Don’t, Jake,” I pleaded. “I can’t stand the pain.”
“Kissing me’s that bad?”
I pushed myself away from him, dropping to my knees beside the sofa. “You know what I mean.”
He looked at me with an intensity that took my breath. “When I saw Peter Hostetter chasing you with that pipe raised, my heart stopped beating,” he said. “I knew I’d put myself in your place if I could. I knew I’d die if you did.”
This time it was my heart that stopped beating.
He put his hand over mine and held tightly. “All I kept thinking was, ‘God, save her! God, save her!’ And then I thought, why should He? I’d been pushing Him away for years, and suddenly I’m screaming for Him, and He should come? I was shoving my gun out the window when it struck me that you can’t pick the parts of God you like and discard the others. I couldn’t reject His free forgiveness and accept His help in need. God is a whole.”
