by Nella Tyler
“Forgive me, but trust isn’t something you find easily on the streets.”
“Poor little homeless girl.” Sarcastic and rude, but she had it coming. She was using that excuse like a shield and I was tired of it.
“Fuck you!”
“Oh, now you’re mad? Is that righteous indignation I see? You’re a hypocrite, Summer.”
One of the tears escaped and rolled down her cheek. I almost felt bad then. I reminded myself of how badly she hurt me so I wouldn’t give in to my sympathy. I wanted to hold onto the anger or I’d never finish telling her what I needed to say. I went on to tell her what I was thinking, “You use that homeless thing like a brick wall to keep anyone from getting close to you because you’re afraid. You’re afraid of intimacy. You’re afraid to change your life. You’re afraid you don’t have what it takes.”
She visibly winced before turning and heading back towards the elevator. I almost let her go on that note just out of spite, but I knew if I did, it would be one more reason for me to obsess over her and I had to be done with this. “Summer.” She stopped, but she didn’t turn around and look at me. “I found your grandfather’s money.” My father’s attorney had just called me about it last week when I was in Hawaii. Summer’s grandfather’s attorney had passed away a few years ago, so tracking down who took over Wayne’s estate had been quite a feat.
I saw her shoulders shake and then watched as she took a deep breath and stepped onto the elevator. She let the doors close between us without turning around to face me. I guess that’s for the best since seeing her only made me want her that much more.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
SUMMER
“Are you sure you don’t want me to go with you?” Matt was lying on my bed watching me pack. He had his arm up over his head and his t-shirt had pulled up to show a slice of his flat belly. I wish he would stop that. Matt’s my best friend and I usually don’t think about him like that. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe it has something to do with seeing Drake two weeks ago. If anything, that horrible experience should have turned me off of men for a while. Instead, I seem to be in a continuous state of horny. I almost want my virginity back – it was easier before I knew that I was missing.
“I’m sure. You can’t afford two weeks off work.”
“What did Jace say when you told him?”
“What do you think? It was so laced with expletives that it was like one long fuuuuuuck!”
Matt laughed and the muscles in his stomach rippled. Damn it, Summer! Stop looking at him like that, it’s incestuous, almost. “He’s got the hots for you.”
I looked at him like he’d grown an extra head. “You’re insane. He hates me.”
“There’s a fine line. He’s mad because he knows he can’t have you.”
“Really, you think?”
“Yeah, I’ve seen how he looks at you when you’re not looking. He wants you.” I thought about how angry Drake was with me when I saw him. Was he angry because he couldn’t have me? Was it about me or his ego? I doubted that Drake ever wanted anything or anyone he couldn’t have.
“Whatever,” I rolled my eyes. “You can keep your clichés. He told me not to bother coming back to work. That doesn’t sound like a man who wants me.”
“I’ll bet if you walked back in there, he’d take you in a heartbeat. He wants you, I’m telling you. I’m a man, I know these things.”
I sucked in a dramatic breath and tried to look shocked as I said, “You’re a man?”
He picked up a pillow off the bed and threw it at me. “Maybe I should prove it to you.” I was looking at his face when he said that, and he looked completely serious. Maybe we had both lost our minds. My eyes involuntarily went to his crotch. He had a visible erection. I told myself not to go there just before I heard myself say,
“How would you do that? Are you going to show me your pee pee?”
He busted up laughing. “My pee pee? No wonder you’re single.”
I picked the pillow up and threw it back at him. “You’re single, too, and you couldn’t handle me.”
“I know. Why do you think I’ve never made a pass?” He wasn’t laughing any longer. He had a lustful look on his face and I knew it wasn’t a good idea to continue this. Trying to lighten the mood before changing the subject, I said,
“I wasn’t sure why you never made a pass. I thought maybe you were gay.”
That brought him up off the bed. He grabbed me around the waist and threw me back on the bed. Then he straddled me and tickled me while I tried to fight him off. When he finally stopped, I realized that I was staring up into desire in his blue eyes and his now fully erect cock was pressing into my belly through his pants. “Summer.”
“Don’t say anything else, Matt. Please. I’m sorry. You’re the only friend I have. I shouldn’t have played with you like that. We can’t do this.” He started to say something and then changed his mind. He stood up off of me and headed for the door. “Matt, are you upset with me?” He had every right to be. I was horny and hadn’t thought about the consequences of flirting with him. I did have to think about what they would be if I slept with him. More than likely, I’d lose my best friend, and I wasn’t willing to risk that.
He stopped and turned around to look at me. He didn’t look angry or even particularly hurt as he said, “No, Summer. I started that.”
“No, I did.”
He smiled. “We are a lot alike, and it’s why we make such good friends. Whoever started it, I’m sorry. The truth is, I’ve been attracted to you since day one. I never acted on before because I could tell right off the bat you were hurting over someone. Then you told me about your surfer, and I saw how much you still loved him. I didn’t want to be your rebound guy, but I was hoping…” He stopped there and shook his head.
“What were you hoping, Matt?”
He took a deep breath and breathed it out slowly before saying, “I’m ashamed of myself, but I was hoping you got the closure you needed when you went to see him a couple of weeks ago.”
I smiled at him. I love this man. I wish I could be in love with him, but he’s right about us being a lot alike. Even if we decided to try it, it would probably never work. “You don’t have any reason to be ashamed of yourself.”
“Yes, I do,” he said. “When you came back so hurt and angry, I was glad. I mean, I wasn’t glad you were hurting, but I was glad you hadn’t made up with him. I know you’re still in love with him, so what kind of asshole best friend does that make me?”
I went over to him. I wanted to hug him or touch his face but I wasn’t sure if that would make things worse so I didn’t do, either. “You’re not an asshole, at all. You’re one of the best men I’ve ever known and I’m proud to call you my best friend. I have so much respect for you. I admire and appreciate your honesty. I love you, and I honestly wish I was in love with you sometimes. I look at you like I did today and I think about how hot you are and I want you. But thankfully, my rational side is still stronger than my hormones. I don’t ever want to do anything to screw up our friendship.”
He grinned. “So you don’t believe in friends with benefits, I’m guessing?”
I couldn’t help but smile back at him. “No, but if I did, you would be the first to know.”
He was the one to touch then. He put his hand on the side of my face and for a second, I thought he was going to try and kiss me. His own rational side seemed to kick in then and he said, “Holler at me when you’re ready to go to the airport.” I nodded. When he left the room, I went over and dropped down on the bed. Life was much easier when I was a virgin street urchin. Men are so damned complicated.
*******
It was twilight when my plane landed at JFK airport in New York. I haven’t been back to the city since I left it six years ago and as just a little girl. The sun still illuminated the shimmering pink haze of pollution that permanently shrouded it as I looked out from the back of the taxi. As the car crept along in the traffic up to
the top of the interstate, the silhouette of the skyline came into view. The thick haze hung low and covered it like a curtain. Instead of sky-scrapers, it looked like a jagged mountain range. The only difference between the two was the thousands of lights that glittered across it.
I was surprised, but I didn’t feel any sense at all of nostalgia for this place. Granted, Grandfather and I had lived out on the Island in a simple little cottage on the white beach, but we had come to the city often, and when I was a little girl, I loved it. Now I just couldn’t wait to get back home. I did realize how lucky I was after all that had happened to finally have a home to be sick for. I was also beginning to realize that Drake was right. I’d been a selfish little brat. If not for him, I would have entered that contest and made a complete fool out of myself. Or, I would have gotten caught stealing that board by someone else and I would have gone to jail. Either way, everything I had, I essentially owed it to him. I hadn’t ever believed that Drake and I would last and somewhere deep down, I had planned on leaving from the beginning. It hurt less to be thousands of miles away from him and I didn’t have to depend on my impulse control as much.
As we exited the freeway and started making the slow crawl through the city, I took in the hustle and bustle of the people on the streets as they moved in and out of the boutiques and markets that lined both sides. I cracked the window and breathed in the smells. It was an eclectic mixture of smoke, food, booze, and salty air. I listened to the loud exchanges of its citizens. New Yorkers are notoriously loud and aggressive. They always sound like they’re mad at each other, when in fact they’re usually only talking.
The homeless people moved along the cracked and dirty sidewalks alongside the others, appearing to be hardly noticed by the average citizens that rushed past or stepped over them. The only subtle indicators that the “normal” folks knew they were there was the way they clutched tightly to their purses when they passed them or kept their hands in their pockets to guard the wallet that probably held more money in cash or credit than many of the invisible people had ever seen. I had to be thankful I grew up here. Had I not, it may have been the place I ran to when I was ready to disappear. It is a big draw for runaways, only because a kid on the streets of a city filled with millions of people was hardly noticeable. Sadly, many of the teenagers that do disappear in this city, turn up later as piles of bones and rotting flesh. I have the feeling sometimes that someone has been watching over me all of these years and although I’m not a religious woman, I find a sense of spiritual relief by believing that it’s my grandfather and hoping that he was at least proud of what he saw these days.
The cab pulled up in front of the hotel and double parked. Before I even climbed out of the back, he had my bags out on the sidewalk and a bell hop was loading them onto his cart. I paid the cabbie and thanked him before I followed the bellhop into the lobby. It was huge and the white tile floor had gold flecks in it. The furniture was made of thick oak and covered in soft, velvet cushions. A year ago, if anyone had told me I would have reservations in a place like this, I would have told them they were insane…or cruel. Now that I’m here, I feel a little bit guilty when I think of all of those desperate, hopeless people I’d just seen on the streets.
I checked in at the desk and went up to my room. The bellhop left my bags, and I remembered to tip him, and as soon as he was gone, I soaked in the big marble tub. I leaned my head back into the smooth curve where it joined the marble tiles on the walls and thought about Drake. Once again, he was who I had to thank for all of this. The day that I saw him, he told me he’d found my grandfather’s money and insisted I take the business card of the lawyer here in New York that handled the accounts. I had left there in tears that day and cried all the way back to Oregon. Once I got home, I went straight back to work and occupied myself with arguing with Jace and studying for my finals. That first week was so busy that I hardly had time to take a pee break, much less think about the mess I’d made of the opportunities I’d been given.
It was the following Monday, the first day of Spring Break and my first day off at the diner in a week, when I finally unpacked the suitcase I’d taken to California. I knew when I packed it I was only supposed to be there for less than a day, but I think I had been holding out a little hope that somehow Drake and I would figure things out. As I was putting my things away and lamenting the fact that I still loved this man, I found the card. When Matt got home from work three hours later, I was still sitting at the table staring at it, wondering what I should do.
“What do you have there?”
I picked the card up off the table and fingered the gold embossing across the top of it. “Drake gave this to me. He said this man handles my grandfather’s money.”
“Oh, your grandfather had money?”
I furrowed my brow and stared at the card. “Drake seems to think he did. I guess it makes sense. He was big time on the surfing circuit. He was sponsored by some of the biggest names in surfing. But he was one of those people who never really acted like he had a penny to his name. When I took off all of those years ago, it never occurred to me that he had any money.”
“So, are you going to call the lawyer?”
“I don’t know. Do you think I should?”
“Why wouldn’t you? Aren’t you his only living relative?”
“As far as I know. But what would I do with money?”
Matt laughed at that. “The same thing everyone does with it, honey. You can live a comfortable life. You can start a business. You can travel the world. You can have a family. You can do whatever you want to do with it.”
“Wouldn’t that be hypocritical of me?”
He looked confused. “How would spending money that is yours make you a hypocrite?”
“I’ve spent years resenting people with money. I’d hold out my little cup and a woman holding a four hundred dollar coach purse would run by without putting so much as a dime in it or the man behind her in a three thousand dollar suit would drop me a dollar. Instead of appreciating it, I resented him because I knew he had so much more to give, he just had no desire to. Besides, I’d be spending money my grandfather worked for, not me.”
“That person who walked past the homeless wouldn’t be you. As a matter of fact, my biggest fear about you getting this inheritance will be that you’ll give it all away.”
I smiled at that. “Maybe that’s what I should do. Maybe Drake is right and all of this time I’ve been selfish and unappreciative of all of the people who did help me and didn’t have to. Maybe giving this money away could atone for some of that. Maybe that’s what karma intended.”
“Hey,” I’d looked up from the card then and into Matt’s face. “I don’t know everything that happened between you and Drake, only what you’ve told me. But I do know you, Summer. I’ve lived in close quarters with you for almost a year. You have a good heart and a good head on your shoulders. I can’t even begin to imagine what karma would want with you…at least, not in a negative way. You were a child on the streets and yes, without the kindness of other people you might be dead by now. But you know that. You’re the one who has told me that. You told me about Bennie and Phoebe and Drake. When you talk about them, I see appreciation in your eyes and I hear it in your voice. You remember all of their names, and you have affection in your heart for every one of them. Maybe you didn’t know how to express that when you had the chance, but it’s there inside of you. That makes you unselfish and my best guess would be that a lot of what Drake said to you came from a place of being hurt by the woman he’s still in love with.”
I sighed at that memory. Was Matt right? Does Drake still love me? Was he just saying those things because he was hurt? I’m not sure, but I am sure that hurt or not, a lot of what he said had the basis of truth.
I got out of the tub and dried off and dressed in my pajamas. As I slipped underneath the cool sheets of the most comfortable bed I’ve ever lain down on, I held onto those words while I slipped into a dream. “A woman h
e’s still in love with.” True or not probably doesn’t even matter any longer, but all I know is that thinking he still loves me makes my heart happy.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
DRAKE
I leaned over and racked the multicolored balls on the pool table in the back of Flanagan’s bar. I was trying to focus on my next shot and not think about the girl at the bar. I saw her look at me when I walked in, but I hadn’t come here tonight to pick up a stray piece of pussy…not even if she did look a lot like Summer.
I chose my next shot and God help me, I found myself wondering if she’d feel like Summer or taste like her. I’ve had at least fifty women in my bed since Summer walked out on me and I haven’t found one yet that satisfied me the way that she did. I could still close my eyes and imagine what she felt like and how sweet she tasted on my tongue. I found that both funny and pathetic.
Summer had been a virgin when I met her. The women that I’ve been fucking lately were about as far removed from that as humanly possible. They were skilled lovers that knew every move possible. They knew when to suck and when to stop. They knew how to make me cum with their bare hands or make me wait so long that I was practically begging for it. Summer didn’t know how to do any of that, so why is it that I’m pining away for her instead of enjoying what was almost continuously offered to me?
“Hi there,” I heard the woman’s husky voice from too close behind me. She sounded like she had a cold or maybe she was a heavy smoker. Oddly, it was kind of sexy like Janis Joplin’s voice. It could also be that I found it sexy because I was just so fucking horny. I hadn’t been with anyone since the day I was in the middle of fucking Melinda and Summer showed up. That’s been almost a month ago. I couldn’t remember the last time I went that long without sex since the first time I had it. I doubted it was less that the fingers on one hand, if ever. But, no matter how much I regretted that I still wanted her, I couldn’t stop, and I was beginning to realize that cheap substitutes were just temporary fixes for the problem. I stood up and looked at the petite little blonde about to offer herself to me and wondered how twisted it would be to take her home and pretend it was Summer that I was fucking. A cheap substitute was maybe better than none at all.
