He put a hand on my arm. “What are you talking about? Isaac, I’m not going anywhere.” His hand moved to my face, and he raised my chin. “Do you really think I could walk away from you?”
“Maybe it’s not rational,” I said. “I’m just, I’m afraid…after everything you’ve been through with Ryan…”
He looked away, and my heart sank. I wasn’t sure if I’d hurt him, or if I’d gotten closer to the truth than I wanted to. Either way, his flinch stung.
“I’m sorry, Don,” I whispered. “I’m not trying to suggest you’d run, but—”
“I understand what you’re saying,” he said softly. “To be honest, I had the same concern. About you.”
“What do you mean?”
He bit his lip and looked at our hands. “If the baby turns out to be mine…” He paused, eyes losing focus. Finally, he looked at me. “You’ve already been more of a dad to Ryan than I ever could have asked you to be. Sometimes I think you’re more of a dad than I’ve been. Can I really ask you to play that role for another kid?”
My chest ached just listening to him. “Don, it hasn’t been easy trying to be a stepdad, but I wouldn’t trade the last few years with you and Ryan for the world. I love you, I love him, and if this baby is yours, you’re just going to have to accept that I’ll love him or her too.”
He laughed quietly. “And you think you’re going to get rid of me just because your name might come up on that piece of paper?” He brushed his thumb along my jaw. “You’ll have to try harder than that.”
I offered a playful grin. “Even if the kid ends up with my stubborn streak?”
“I’d say that’s karma on my part for making you deal with my stubborn streak and my kid’s.”
“You two aren’t as bad as you think,” I said. “And besides, I like a challenge.” I rested my hand on the side of his neck. “I’m not going to walk away from you. I don’t care about DNA or what’s on paper. We wanted a baby together, and now we’ve got it.”
“Except it’s a little more complicated than that,” he said. “It’s not just the two of us and a baby.”
“I know.”
“And that’s part of what worries me.”
“What do you mean?”
Clasping our hands together, he took a deep breath. “I don’t quite know how to say this,” he whispered. “I swear to God, I don’t want to hurt you, Isaac, but I have to be honest.”
Blood pounded in my ears. I swallowed, giving enough of a nod to say go on.
“It’s about Carmen.” He stared at our hands and whispered, “I love her.”
My heart slammed against my rib cage. “What?”
He finally looked me in the eye. “I know things weren’t supposed to be like this, and it doesn’t change the way I feel about you at all. Doesn’t take away from us.” He squeezed my hand, and his voice cracked as he said, “But I love her.” He dropped his gaze. “I don’t mean I love her like a friend. I mean, I’m in love with her.”
Relief and renewed apprehension rushed through me, completely cancelling each other out. He felt the same, but…what now?
“So am I,” I whispered.
His spine straightened and he met my eyes. “You…are?”
I nodded. “And it doesn’t change how I feel about you, either.”
“It might change how she feels about us, though,” he said quietly. “If she doesn’t feel the same way, that could get, um…”
“Weird?”
“Yeah. Weird.” He took a breath. “So, what do we do?”
“I think that depends on her.”
“Well, before we talk to her, what do you think would be the best solution?”
“Honestly?” I hesitated. “Assuming she feels the same way, why can’t we bring her into our relationship?”
He blinked. “Are you serious?”
I shrugged. “We already have a sexual relationship with her. There’s a baby on the way that we’re both ready and willing to take care of, regardless of DNA. We’re both in love with her. Who’s to say we can’t function as three?”
“Do you think she’d go for that?”
“Maybe. It’s hard to say. To be honest, I’ve been so worried about how I felt and how you might react, I really haven’t thought about how she feels. I’m sure that makes me sound like an ass, but I…” I shook my head. “I guess I just hadn’t gotten that far yet.”
Donovan nodded slowly. “I can understand that. It’s been a lot to get our heads around.”
“That said, if she feels the same way, then maybe we can do…something. Work something out. We’ve been playing by ear and making our rules since the first time we slept with her, and this wouldn’t be any different.”
He laughed. “That’s true. We’ve been sort of making it up as we go along, haven’t we?”
I laughed too. “Yeah, we have.” More serious now, I said, “And regardless of how she feels about us, I still love you.”
“I love you too,” he whispered, and leaned in to kiss me gently. “And no matter who the father is, that’s not going to change anything either.”
“No, it won’t,” I said. “I’m just as much a part of this as you are, regardless of whose name is on the birth certificate.”
Donovan pulled me closer. “Thank God, because I can’t do this without you.” He touched my face. “And even if I could, I don’t want to.”
“You don’t have to.” I clasped his hand between my own and kissed his fingers. “I’m not going anywhere.”
Chapter Twenty-Four
Carmen
When Don and Isaac invited me over a week or so after the night we sat down with Ryan, I wasn’t sure what to expect. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. If the three of us were getting together at their place, it was a safe bet we’d wind up in bed. And since those hormones Don had warned about were kicking in with a vengeance—my God, I’d never been so horny in my life—I was definitely looking forward to that part of the evening.
Things were more complicated than that now, though. What I felt for them went much, much deeper than simple lust, and I didn’t know how to explain that to them. Or if I should explain it. Maybe it was better if I just kept it to myself, even if it hurt like hell.
For now, I told myself as I walked from my car to their front porch, I’d play it by ear. Feel them out, see if an opportunity presented itself. Or just keep my damned mouth shut and not create conflict where there didn’t need to be any.
I knocked on the front door, and Isaac greeted me with a kiss on the cheek before letting me in. We both paused in the foyer, and I met his eyes.
My heart pounded. His Adam’s apple bobbed.
Before I could decide whether or not to ask what was on his mind, he cleared his throat and gestured toward the kitchen. “Don’s in there. Do you want something to drink?”
“Yeah, sure.” My mouth was dry, after all. Pity something to drink couldn’t involve something alcoholic.
I followed Isaac into the kitchen, and Don kissed me hello while Isaac dug a few bottles of water out of the refrigerator.
“You know,” Isaac said, handing one of the bottles to me. “We haven’t discussed this kid’s name at all.”
Shit, we have to come up with a name? Next thing, someone’s going to tell me I’m responsible for keeping this kid alive and fed too.
I coughed and unscrewed the cap on the water bottle. “You’re right, we haven’t. Any ideas?” I took a long drink, once again cursing the fact that I couldn’t have just a tiny bit of alcohol.
“I think we can safely rule out naming the baby after anyone in my family,” Don muttered.
“And mine,” I said.
“Someone in my family is bound to get butthurt over the kid being named after another family member,” Isaac said. “So, maybe we should just skip that entire idea.”
“Sounds good to me.” I played with the bottle cap on the counter. “While we’re at it, though, what about last names? I mean, I suppose the baby co
uld just have my last name if you guys are okay with that.”
“Sure.” Don shrugged. “That part really doesn’t make a difference to me.”
“Same here,” Isaac said.
“That said, though”—Don grinned—“Isaac and I have been known to discuss the idea of getting married, which raises the question of what to do with our last names.”
Isaac chuckled softly. “So if we were to get married, then we could combine Nolan and Morris, and get Norris.”
Don’s grin broadened. “So we could—”
I glared at him. “First one to suggest naming this baby Chuck gets a roundhouse kick to the head.”
Isaac’s shoulders dropped. “Aw, come on.”
“Absolutely not.”
“You would take all the fun out of it,” he said with a playful pout.
“Women,” Don muttered into his water bottle.
I looked at Isaac and, with a slight tilt of my head and quirk of my eyebrows, asked a silent favor. Isaac dutifully elbowed him, timing it just right so Don choked on his drink.
Don turned away and coughed, shooting me a glare over his shoulder as he tried to clear his throat.
Isaac laughed. Then he turned a little more serious and reached for my hand. “We can figure out names as we go, but why don’t you come on upstairs? We have a little surprise for you.”
I raised an eyebrow. “What? Do I get to fuck one of you with a strap-on tonight?”
Don’s ears perked up. He coughed once more, then said, “Would you want to?”
“Don.” Isaac eyed him. “Focus, man.”
“Right. Right.” Don gestured toward the stairs. As he started up, with Isaac and me following, he glanced over his shoulder. “But could we talk you into that strap-on?”
I shrugged. “Oh, I’m open-minded.”
“Duly noted,” Don said.
They led me down the hall, and I thought they’d turn left into their bedroom like they always did, but Don went right. He put his hand on the doorknob of his office and stopped.
“Close your eyes.”
“What?” I eyed him warily. “So help me, if you’re going to sit me at your computer and show me some video like the one you sent me a few months ago…”
Don laughed. “No, it’s nothing like that. Come on, just do it.”
“Don, what are—”
“Trust us.” Isaac put his arms around my waist from behind and kissed my cheek. “Just close your eyes.”
I shot Don one more suspicious look, then closed my eyes. The doorknob clicked, and the hinges gave a quiet squeak. Isaac guided me forward. After a few steps, he stopped me.
“Okay,” he said. “Open your eyes.”
I opened my eyes, and my heart skipped as I looked around the room, disbelieving this was the same place where Don and I had played video games and looked up ridiculous videos online.
The walls were painted a pale yellow, and everything—from the crib to the wallpaper border to the teddy bear resting on Isaac’s mom’s rocking chair—was perfect. Exactly how I’d imagined the room I’d wanted for the baby, even though I’d had no clue how I’d be able to make it real. If I had my own place, I probably wouldn’t have been able to afford it. As it was, there were no extra rooms in Rose’s apartment.
But…here it was.
“I hope this is the right color,” Don said. “I couldn’t remember the exact shade, and—”
“It’s perfect,” I whispered. “You guys, this is…amazing.” I looked at Don. “What about your office?”
He shrugged. “We both cleared out our offices. Everything’s downstairs now.”
I cocked my head. “Both of you? Why both?”
Isaac smiled and nodded toward the room that had been his office down the hall. “We figured you could use the other room.”
I blinked. “What?”
“Well, when the baby’s here,” Don said. “If you wanted to stay too.”
“Or it can be yours.” Isaac swallowed. “All the time.”
“Are you…” I moistened my lips. “Are you suggesting I move in?”
They both nodded. My heart fluttered, but then my chest tightened.
“Guys, you don’t have to do this,” I said. “I don’t want to depend on you.”
Isaac put his hands on my shoulders and gently drew me back to him. “We’re not suggesting that you depend on us, Carmen.”
“We’re asking you to join us,” Don said.
“Join you?”
“It’s a bit off the beaten path by societal standards,” Isaac said. “But what’s wrong with us being a family?”
“All of us,” Don said. “Together.”
The tightness in my chest turned to a mix of sudden anger and the threat of tears. I pulled away from Isaac. “So, what? Is this the part where you two magically fall in love with me because there’s a baby on the way?” I gritted my teeth, not sure if I was holding back fury or tears. “And then once the novelty wears off and the sleepless nights get old, you’ll think twice?”
“No,” Don said. “Not even close.”
Isaac reached for me. “Carmen, we want you to—”
“Listen.” I put up a hand and took a step back, inching away from them and toward the door. “I…I appreciate what you guys are doing. I do. Really. But…” I dropped my gaze.
Isaac touched my shoulder, and that gentle contact made the tears nearly impossible to hold back, especially as he whispered, “What’s wrong?”
I forced the tears back. Then I made myself look Isaac in the eye. “I need a little time. Space. Whatever. I just…” My throat ached, and my eyes stung. “I need to go.”
“Wait.” Don’s eyes were wide with concern. “Did we do something wrong?”
“No, it’s not…” I looked around the room. God, it was perfect. And they were so sweet to put it all together, and put aside a room for me as well, and I…I didn’t even know what it was that threw me off. Why it upset me so much. Forcing my emotions to stay beneath the surface, I said, “I just need to go.”
I turned and hurried out of the room, and thankfully, neither of them followed me. I could imagine them staring at each other, dumbstruck, in the room they’d so carefully made for my baby. For our baby. They were probably completely baffled by my reaction, and truth be told, so was I.
But I needed to get out of there. I needed to…I didn’t know. Clear my head? Think?
I barely made it out of their driveway before the tears came. Holding the wheel in one hand, I covered my mouth with the other. Who the hell I was trying to hide from, I didn’t know, but I did it anyway.
After a few blocks, the road was starting to blur, so I pulled over and put the car in park. While the engine idled, I let my emotions come crashing down on me. Some of it might have been hormones, but not all. Not even close.
Join them? As a family? Fuck, they couldn’t know how much I wanted that. But they also couldn’t possibly know I wanted to be more than just the mother of their baby. I wanted them. I loved them, and the room down the hall—a place for me to sleep while they held each other in the next room—just drove the point home that they already had each other. We could have sex, and we could be friends, and we could raise this baby together, but I would always be the third.
I would always be in the room down the hall.
I also didn’t want to depend on them and their goodwill. Or their obligation, I thought bitterly. I needed to stand on my own two feet, but where had I been all these years? Always in someone else’s place. From my husband’s house to my sister’s apartment…to their house? I desperately wanted walls, a door and a key of my own. Some place with my name and no one else’s. Paid for with my money. A place that would still be standing and the door still open even if everyone I thought I could depend on suddenly bailed on me and left me high and dry.
But how? With that thick stack of bills from my attorney and the moderate income I made from my books, I was lucky I could pay half my sister’s rent. Pay f
or my own place and feed, clothe, diaper, entertain and educate a baby?
I wiped my eyes, but the tears wouldn’t stop, and the hormones had nothing to do with it now. Could I have possibly made more of a mess of my life? Maybe I should have taken my mother’s advice, ditched the writing career and gotten a “real” job with a steady paycheck. Except I still had one more book on my current contract, and writing had been the only thing that kept me sane for the last few years of my marriage, and it kept me more or less sane now. How I would finish this book, I had no idea. Between being exhausted, stressed and sick, plus the hormone-induced mental fog my sister had warned me about, my productivity was abysmal.
I sniffed and leaned back against the headrest. I wiped my eyes and refused to look at my reflection in the rearview. This wasn’t me. I didn’t just crumble.
How was I supposed to explain how I felt to them?
I was not a damsel in distress looking for another man—or pair of men—to depend on. I’d been looking forward to standing on my own two feet for a while. Living my own life for a while.
I loved both of them, and I was anything but ungrateful for how supportive and loving they’d been from the beginning, but I resented the situation. I resented the fact that we weren’t just buddies who could go grab a couple of beers or catch a movie anymore. We were inextricably part of each other’s lives now. And the fact that they felt compelled to put a room aside for me just poured salt in the wound for a million reasons. Because I didn’t want to depend on them. Because I didn’t want to live with them like I was a damned roommate while they were in love in the next room. Because even if all my worldly possessions were in that room and my baby slept in the other, I’d always be the intruder. The outsider.
I put my hand over my belly, which was still fairly flat to the untrained eye. To anyone else, I probably looked like I needed to skip dessert every night for a few weeks. To me, it was impossible not to notice the gentle swell and its not-so-gentle implications.
Who's Your Daddy? Page 24
