by A. D. Ryan
“Brooke,” Nick said softly.
“No, Nick,” I said, cutting him off and brushing past him to sit on the bed. Anger sparked inside me. I welcomed it, because at least I could feel something in my emotionally anesthetized state. “I was useless out there. Absolutely inferior to him in every way. He caught me in a moment of vulnerability just like you said he would, and he reveled in it, taking any and all power I had away from me. He turned me into something I’d always refused to be: a victim. Even now—like this—I’m less than what I was before because I can’t shake how I felt when he…when he…”
Nick’s posture slumped in defeat; he didn’t know how to fix this any more than I did.
“You promised I’d be stronger for accepting what I was, but I wasn’t. I was weak, and Karl took advantage of that.”
Suddenly, Nick fell to his knees in front of me, taking my hands in his. “Baby, no. You were scared. Your instincts were to get away and survive.”
“And I got caught. I wasn’t fast enough or strong enough as a wolf. I took him down without even blinking the other day in the kitchen, and tonight?” I shuddered, thinking about how bad things could have gotten if Nick had arrived just a second later. “He forced himself on me and almost succeeded.”
Nick refused to buy into my way of thinking, shaking his head vehemently. “Remember the moose earlier? You knew what to do and you dove in to do it.”
“And I got caught underneath it,” I reminded him, my right wrist throbbing at the memory.
“Because Roxy tripped you. Not because you weren’t confident in what you had to do.”
I attempted to tune him out, not wanting to hear how strong and confident he thought I was, because I wasn’t. Not anymore. “Regardless of that one moment, Nick, I won’t do it again.”
Nick’s eyebrows pulled together in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“Shift,” I stated firmly. “I won’t do it again.”
“You can’t not shift, Brooke. I’ve told you that,” he argued. “It’s something we have to do in order to maintain control of both sides. If we just stop…it’ll take control when you least expect it to. We become volatile, and the wolf takes over completely.” With a sigh, Nick took my hands again. His tone softened until it was warm and soothing, almost hypnotic. “It isn’t that you lack strength as a wolf, you just don’t know how to utilize it. But I can teach you.”
The wolf inside me stirred, intrigued by his offer, but I suppressed it and refused to listen to Nick’s offer. I was resolved in my decision. I would find a way to avoid being put in a position where I felt helpless again if it was the last thing I did.
A knock on our bedroom door pulled me from sleep. I wasn’t sure what time I finally surrendered to exhaustion, but I didn’t feel very rested. I’d been tossing and turning, still unable to force what Karl had done from my mind long enough to get a sufficient amount of sleep.
Lying on my stomach, I felt the bed dip to my left, and when I propped myself up onto my elbows, I saw Nick climbing out of bed. He looked as weary as I felt, the beginnings of dark circles starting to show beneath his unusually lackluster eyes. It wouldn’t have surprised me to learn he’d watched over me while I’d gotten what little sleep I had.
I continued to stare at the bed, noticing how the blankets between us had barely been rumpled; it was the first night I hadn’t fallen asleep in his arms since we left Scottsdale. Even though we’d grown close over the last couple of weeks, last night had put a wedge between us that felt insurmountable. It wasn’t his fault—I knew that—but my brain was so muddled that I couldn’t seem to extract logic from the murky mess.
“Good morning,” Miranda said softly, and the smell of bacon and eggs wafted into the room. “I figured the two of you might want a private breakfast.”
It smelled delicious, but the idea of eating while my stomach was still in knots made me nauseous. I kicked the blankets off and walked to the washroom to splash some cold water on my face in hopes the feeling would pass.
“How is she?” I heard Miranda whisper, even through the closed bathroom door. I turned on the water, thinking it would drown them out, but it didn’t work. Maybe, subconsciously, I didn’t want to tune them out.
“She hardly slept,” Nick replied raggedly before sighing. “And she won’t talk about it.”
Leaning on the counter, I closed my eyes and let the weight of my guilt pull me down. I wasn’t shutting him out intentionally, and the fact that he felt this way made my stomach lurch.
“Do you want the details?” she asked carefully. “If she told you what happened, would you be able to deal with it without killing him?”
Nick growled low. “I already know he didn’t finish what he started… And I want to kill him for even attempting it.”
“Until Marcus states otherwise, he is still a part of this Pack,” Miranda reminded him. “You know the rules.”
“Fuck the rules,” Nick snarled between clenched teeth. “He tried to force himself on her, and because of it she doesn’t feel safe.” He sighed heavily. “And I don’t know if I can ever fix that.”
“She just needs time,” Miranda assured him. “Be patient, and let me know if you need anything else.”
Before Nick could say anything else, I heard Miranda retreat down the hall. Once Nick closed the door, I washed my face and brushed my teeth before reemerging. Nick had set the tray Miranda brought up on the end of the bed, and I eyed it with disinterest.
“Miranda brought breakfast.”
I went back to the bed, crawled under the covers, and pulled my knees to my chest as I stared blankly at the pattern on the comforter. “I’m not hungry right now,” I replied.
“You need to eat.”
Sighing, I laid back down on the bed and turned away from Nick and the door. “Later.”
My entire body still felt exhausted, but my mind was alert. I longed for the peace that sleep could bring, but feared the nightmares that I knew would accompany it. I tried to force it all from my thoughts, instead trying to focus on the happier times of the past few days and my life back in Scottsdale.
I thought back to how close Nick and I had gotten, but instead of comforting me, it only made me feel bad that I’d pushed him away over the last twelve hours. Not that I could be blamed, and I knew he would never hold me accountable for it. But it had to hurt him a little. And that, in turn, caused me distress.
Maybe I was moving on too fast, and this was fate’s way of reminding me.
“Can I get you anything?” he asked, pulling me from my thoughts.
I shook my head, not trusting my voice to stay steady enough to say anything.
“Okay. Do you mind if I go hop in the shower? I’ll lock the bedroom door if you’d like to ensure no one will bother you.”
I nodded once. “Thank you.”
The lock slid into place, and before heading to the shower, Nick laid a hand on my shoulder. I tensed under his touch, and he recoiled instantly, apologizing. It wasn’t that his touch was undesirable—I longed for it, to be honest. I just hadn’t invited the affection, so it startled me. I knew Nick wasn’t trying to force anything on me, but my brain couldn’t make that distinction just yet. Everything was still too fresh.
“It’s not you,” I whispered, my voice and chin quivering. “I just…” I sighed, unsure of how I could explain this away. The truth was, I couldn’t.
“It’s fine,” Nick assured me sadly. “I understand. I’ll be right back.”
Nick left me alone, and a few seconds later, I heard the shower start up. Less than a minute had passed before my anxiety elevated. I might have been having issues with physical contact and how to act around him, but I hated being alone even more. The constant back and forth was maddening.
The bathroom wasn’t far away, but with Nick in another room, it invited that familiar feeling of vulnerability from last night when I was alone and Karl found me.
My chest grew tighter with every breath I struggled to take,
and it felt like the room was closing in around me, suffocating me. My heart pounded so furiously, I could have sworn it had been replaced with a jackhammer, and it wasn’t until Nick reemerged that the sensation faded. But only a little.
Seeing the distress on my face, he rushed across the room and crawled onto the bed. He clutched the towel around his waist as he moved next to me, hesitant to reach out for me. Just having him within reach was enough for me, and the tension in my chest lessened.
He ran a hand over my hair, eyebrows raised in concern. “What is it?” he asked. “What happened?”
“I just…I need to forget. I want it to stop, but it only seems to be getting worse.” I was hyperventilating now, unable to catch my breath.
“Brooke, it will. It will stop. You just need time.”
Frustrated, I sat up, running my fingers through my hair roughly. “God, Nick. Am I ever going to be okay again? I used to be strong and confident, and now… I just feel broken and crazy.”
Nick’s hesitation melted away as he wrapped me in his arms. I tensed at first before relaxing into his embrace, and he pulled me into his lap. “You are still the same person, baby,” he soothed into my ear, pressing his lips to my cheek and down my neck. Warmth spread beneath my skin, pushing out the distress little by little and reminding me that he was my safety net. I could trust him. “You’re beautiful, carefree, strong, sexy, and confident. What he did, or tried to do to you, can’t ever touch that, because you, Brooke Elizabeth Leighton, are untouchable.”
There was a conviction in his words that told me to believe him, but I still struggled.
“I regret letting you out of my sight while he was out there somewhere,” Nick continued, his voice trembling with the fear of what could have been. “I knew he was capable of this behavior, but I figured you’d be protected by Pack Law. I didn’t think he’d cross the line like this. I’m to blame for everything that happened.”
There was a pang in my heart as he shouldered all the blame, and I shook my head adamantly. “No, you’re not.”
Nick didn’t let me finish. “Believe me when I say I will always keep you safe. No one will ever hurt you again, I promise.”
The sincerity in his voice moved me, and I felt a little of my strength seep back in. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to ease me forward in his arms and lightly press my lips to his. He seemed shocked by this, but he didn’t pull away or try to deepen the kiss. He let me take the lead, because he knew that was what I needed. I needed to be in control. The tension released from my chest, and I knew in an instant how much I wanted to feel his body against mine. It was the only thing—he was the only thing—that eclipsed the horror of what happened.
It wasn’t until I shifted my position to straddle his lap that he said anything. “Wait,” he murmured against my insistent lips.
I settled onto his lap, his towel doing very little to conceal his growing arousal, and he moaned softly. His hair was still damp from his shower as I twisted my fingers into it, and I locked eyes with him. I wanted to forget what happened and just be with him again. Like the morning in the shower, but more. More of his lips. More of his hands. I longed to look into his eyes as our bodies moved together passionately and be reminded of who I used to be and not the animal I was becoming.
“What do you want?” he asked, his voice deep and gravelly with lust.
“You,” I replied. He looked more than a little hesitant, and I understood why. “I just want to feel something good again. I don’t want to be afraid every time you touch me. Make me remember. Show me that not all men are monsters.”
Nick’s hands tightened around my waist, his thumbs pressing against my hip bones gently. “I won’t pressure you. You’ve been through enough.”
“But—”
“Just tell me what to do.”
I kissed him again, this time with a ferocity and need that I hadn’t realized I was capable of. Nick kept his hands on my hips, rounding them down over the swell of my ass and then lowering them over my thighs. His hands were splayed out, fingers teasing the outer seams of my pants while his thumbs grazed my inner thighs, his touch so light I shivered.
“More,” I mumbled against his lips.
Still hesitant, he looked at me, eyes dark, body tight. It was as though he was fighting the urge to give in to my demand. I knew that if I made a move, his resolve would break. I could see it in his eyes. All I would have to do is tighten my arms around his neck, press my body closer to his, and that fire between us would reignite. I would feel that passion I so desperately craved burning just below the surface.
“Please,” I whispered. “Help me forget.”
Nick was still torn on what he should do. “After the other day, I just don’t want you to regret it. I’ve waited seven years to get you back, and after everything that’s happened, I don’t feel like you’re thinking clearly.”
I recognized what he was saying, but his concern only served to make me want him more. “I am thinking clearly,” I told him.
“Brooke, this is no different than the hotel room. You’re upset—and rightfully so—but you can’t just bury your feelings with sex. Deep down, you know you’ll regret it, and eventually you’ll resent me for giving in to it. I couldn’t live with that.”
I tried to tell myself he was wrong, but on some level, I knew he was right. In that moment, Nick had reminded me of the upstanding guy he was. He did what I asked of him by not pushing me beyond my limits. He was nothing like Karl. He would never take advantage of me in a weak and vulnerable state. He wanted me for me. He admired my strength and confidence, whereas Karl was the type to tear a woman down until she submitted to him. Or take her by force.
That was when I saw Nick for the man he truly was: my rock, my love, my constant.
Chapter 18 | deception
“You’re sure you want to do this?” Nick asked as I emerged from the closet in fresh jeans and a deep purple sweater after my shower.
He was sitting on the end of the bed while I stepped into the bathroom to pull my hair into a loose braid. The bruising on my neck had lightened some over the last few days, but it was still frighteningly obvious and tender where Karl’s teeth had penetrated. When I decided not to cover it up with a turtleneck, Nick assured me that no one would bring it up out of respect for my feelings.
“Yeah,” I replied, fastening an elastic to the end of my hair. “I can’t stay hidden in our room forever. They need to know I’m okay.”
“Are you, though?” he inquired carefully. “I just don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
He wasn’t out of line to ask me that. The last few days since the attack had been pretty rough. He’d seen me at my lowest since Bobby’s death. I refused to get out of bed unless absolutely necessary. I wouldn’t see anyone who came to check on me. Aside from Nick, I wasn’t ready to be around anyone else.
Having worked more than my fair share of crimes revolving around sexual assault, I knew how people tended to view those who were attacked. Like victims. And while that may be what I was, I couldn’t handle anyone looking at me with that mock empathy as they tried to imagine what it might be like if they were in my position. I didn’t need anyone telling me that “it would be okay,” or that “they understood.” They didn’t, not unless they’d been in a similar situation.
Up until yesterday, when Nick told me how worried he was that I’d become a complete shut-in, I realized I needed to try and work through this. And being around others and trying to reintegrate myself back into the Pack was the only way to do that, it seemed.
Smiling, I slipped out of the bathroom and crossed the room. I stood before him, maneuvering myself between his thighs, and I placed my hands on his shoulders. “And I appreciate the concern, but I should at least try.”
Nick’s hands came up to rest on my hips, but then he thought better of it and dropped them to his thighs. His tension radiated off him, thickening the air between us, but he nodded. “All right. But you let me know if you nee
d to get out of there at any time, okay?”
“Deal.”
There was a moment of hesitation before Nick took my hand in his, and I had to admit, my fingers twitched as if wanting to recoil from his touch. I knew it wasn’t him I was afraid of, but unexpected contact in general, and I had to keep telling myself what I had been since that night: that Nick would never do to me what Karl had tried to.
“You ready?” Nick said, his other hand resting on the doorknob.
I inhaled a deep breath and nodded. “Yup.”
Everyone was already up, noise carrying through the house from all corners. Some were in the dining room when we passed through it. There were a few soft-spoken “good mornings,” to which I responded in kind, as Nick and I approached Marcus. The Alpha male smiled sympathetically—exactly what I’d been hoping to avoid—and I dropped my eyes to my feet.
“It’s good to see you up and about,” he said, and I tensed in preparation for the upcoming conversation.
Thankfully, Nick was quick to change the topic, asking if any progress had been made on the morning runs. Wanting to distance myself from all things “wolf,” I excused myself to the kitchen.
Layla and Miranda were busy putting the breakfast smorgasbord out while Colby cooked a few more pancakes. Upon my arrival, they all stopped what they were doing and gave me the same look Marcus had. Knowing they’d be a little more receptive to my plea than, say, the Pack Alpha, I nipped that shit in the bud,
“I appreciate all the concern, but I’m not ready to talk about what happened the other night.” They didn’t say anything, only looked at me expectantly, so I smiled. “Can I help with something?”
Miranda looked ready to object, but I stepped forward. “Busying myself is all I can do to keep my mind from going back there,” I whispered.
This time, she smiled, taking my hand in hers. “Of course. Why don’t you give Layla a hand putting out all the food.”
