by Jess Petosa
I have a sneaking suspicion he knows Will wasn’t just there to check on me, but none of that matters anymore.
"I have something to tell you both," I say. I’m tired of keeping secrets, so I tell them all about the memories that have come back to me, and finally about Dr. Morgan's news. About my pregnancy.
Marie holds me while I cry into her shirt and ask questions no one can answer.
"Who was the father?" "Do I have a boyfriend, fiancé, husband?" "What will Will think?"
"Oh, Will," Marie says. "He is in the waiting room and has been since they brought you in."
I sniffle and Marie hands me a tissue.
"We'll send him in, and then you can get some rest. Dr. Morgan says that you can come home tomorrow."
I nod, unable to find the words to even say good-bye, and watch them disappear from my room. I count the seconds on the clock as I wait for Will to arrive.
One. Two. Three. Four.... Forty-seven.
The door opens and Will steps into the room, taking care to close the door behind him. He steps over to my bed cautiously, his eyes raking over my body. Eyes that are filled with worry, and fear, and love. I can't take him looking at me like that. He doesn't know what I know. He doesn't know what I've done. Unwelcome tears fill my eyes, and are soon spilling down my cheeks. Will is at my side quickly, sliding onto the bed and wrapping his arms around me, ever so gently.
"It's okay Jane, you're safe now." He whispers calming words into my ear and runs his hands over my hair, which flows over my shoulders in unruly waves.
I can't tell him, not yet. I need to wait until we are both emotionally stable, and when I’m somewhere I can think clearly. Not in his hospital bed, and not in this hospital. He holds me tight, rocking me gently back and forth. He thinks that I’m crying into his shoulder because of my surgery, which he hasn't even asked about. But instead I'm crying for my loses. Both of them.
Because tonight I feel like I've lost two people, both my baby and Will.
Charles and Marie pick me up from the hospital the next afternoon, and Marie makes quick work of fussing over me when I'm home in my bed. She brings me tea and snacks often, and Charles even moves a TV into my room so that I have something to keep me occupied. Dr. Morgan told me to stay off my feet for at least another day. Will is out on a night fishing trip with his dad and brothers, which I begged him to still go on, so I don't have to worry about seeing him. I know that the next time I see him I'll have to share my news. I was so distraught in the hospital that he didn’t even ask about the reasoning behind my surgery. I don’t think he could bring himself to cause me any more stress.
I was pregnant. I practice the words.
I mainly sleep while I am home, but I do get out of bed the following day, even though Marie throws a fit. It’s warm and sunny out, nothing like the weather when I collapsed in the kitchen. I step out into the back yard and I can barely tell that there was ever a storm at all. The ocean is calm and the waves lap gently against the wall dividing the yard from the bay. The trees sway in the wind, not in half like they were before. I lower myself carefully into a chair and close my eyes, feeling the sea breeze hit my face. I can taste the salt on my lips, and the taste reminds me of Will. It’s how his lips taste every time we kiss. I wonder if there is a permanent layer of sea salt on his skin from years of working at the marina and being out at sea.
I hear the back door open and the chair beside me creaks under the weight of someone else. I open my eyes and glance over to see Charles. He offers me a glass of Marie's famous sweet tea and I accept it willingly. I take a long swig.
"So, Melissa, huh?" he asks me. The name falls off of his lips smoother than Jane ever did.
I nod. "At least, that’s what I remember. Maybe my mind is making up a name for me, but I think this is real."
"Me too," Charles says. "You look more like a Melissa than a Jane. Melissa," he repeats the name. "Missy is a nickname, you know." He waits, as though I might react.
I mull that over in my head, wondering if a new name gives me a new identity. Do I even like sweet tea anymore, or being a waitress? Right now I know that I still love the bay, and that I would stay here forever if I could.
"Maybe it’s time that we start looking," I say. "For my family, you know?"
I look over at Charles and he is nodding. "I’ve been thinking the same thing, even though Marie completely disagrees with me."
"Things are getting complicated," I say.
"Will?" he asks and I answer with a nod.
"Will is a good young man. We've known his family since we moved here, and he used to come over and play in our backyard with his brothers. There is something to be said for boys romping in the grass." Charles gives me a small smile. "You've made each other happy, and I'm glad. I think everyone deserves to feel happiness like that in his or her life at least once. But I also think that things are going to get messy if the complete truth doesn't start to come out."
"Will you help me?" I ask.
He nods. "I'll make some calls later today. Right now I need to head down to the cafe and get things back in order from the storm."
I listen to him walk through the grass behind me and hear the door to the house shut behind him. I sigh and stand, kicking off my flip-flops and walk across the yard barefoot. The feeling is familiar; familiar in a way that reminds me of home. My real home, yet I still cannot picture it, or where it is. I have the sinking feeling that it’s not near the ocean.
I head out onto the dock, stepping across the wood planks carefully. I'm still slightly achy from my surgery and I know that I am due for more pain medication. I walk all the way to the end of the dock and cross my arms over my chest. I'm wearing a long sleeved Hampton Harbor shirt that Marie bought for me, and white shorts. My hair is down again today, and it whips behind me, mimicking the flag on the end of the dock.
I think about the first time that Will came to the house in his boat, pulling up to the dock with so much confidence that I would get in the boat. It feels like months ago. I think of his tanned skin, dark hair, and bright smile. Details I know I’ll never forget.
Something about that day stands out to me.
My one and only. Missy.
My breath catches in my throat.
Missy was a friend I had when I was younger. I barely remember her, since it was so long ago, just that she was my best friend back then. We would play on the docks some days, and down at the playground on other days. Then one day she was just gone.
I crouch down on the dock, ignoring the sharp pain in my abdomen.
Memories do not rush back to me this time, just a sense of familiarity. My love of the bay, the way it feels natural to be out here, and the comfortableness I feel with the town.
"I've been here before," I mutter to myself. And Will knows, he has to.
I hurry down the dock, finding my flip-flops and rushing into the house. Charles is just pulling his keys out of the basket by the door when I catch up with him.
"Take me to the docks. Please," I ask him.
I look around the kitchen for Marie and see that she isn't here. She would throw a fit if she knew I wanted to leave the house, but I don't care right now.
"Please," I say again.
"Okay," Charles says evenly.
I follow him to the car and climb into the passenger side. For the first time I may get some answers about my past, and from someone who knew me.
Although the last person I expected that to be is Will.
CHAPTER TWENTY
Will isn't at the docks. I search three of them before one of his coworkers tells me that he is at lunch.
I hurry down the boardwalk, pushing past tourists in my haste. When I finally get to the cafe, I look for him through the front windows. He sits in his usual booth, a grilled cheese sandwich and bowl of chili already placed in front of him. Amy is leaning against the side of the booth, talking animatedly. She glances up briefly and her eyes meet mine. It’s as though she sees a ghost.
"What are you doing here?" He stops in front of me and puts a hand on either of my arms, rubbing them lightly. "Shouldn't you be in bed?"
I shake my head. "I'm fine."
He leans toward me and hugs me tightly. His lips brush my hair and I can feel his breath near my ear. It's intimate, and wonderful and alarming all at once. I push away from him and look at the ground.
"Will, I can't do this."
"Are you feeling sick? Let me give you a ride home. I just need to pay Amy real quick." He is already reaching for his wallet.
"No Will. This. Us.” I motion back and forth between our bodies. "Both of us are lying, and it isn't healthy."
Will stiffens in front of me. One hand cups my chin and he tilts my head up. I have no choice but to look at him.
"What lies?" he asks more seriously. His eyes are searching mine and I try to memorize the odd blue color of them. How they look like a sea that is trapped under a storm.
"You must know who I am..." I say.
He cocks his head. "What are you talking about? Jane, you're worrying me. Please let me take you home."
He tries to lead me away from the boardwalk but I'm locked in place. Instead I turn and walk down the small dock in front of the cafe. I can hear Will following behind me. It isn’t until I reach the very end of the dock that I turn to face him. So many pivotal moments have happened on this dock in the past month.
It’s where I had my accident. It’s where I first talked to Will. It’s where he first kissed me.
"I've been having dreams at night," I say. "Dreams that are really memories."
Will looks hurt, and I gather that he is disappointed that I haven’t told him, but then he smiles. "That's great, Jane."
"Melissa," I say. I watch his eyes widen.
"Melissa." He lets the name roll off his tongue slowly.
"Missy," I whisper.
He looks down at me and genuine shock fills his face. "No. No no no. It isn't possible. That means..."
"I think it is," I tell him. "I've been here before. I can feel it. I'm Melissa, or Missy, the girl your boat is named after. You had to have known!"
I'm almost yelling and Will takes a step back. "I was fives years old, Ja... Melissa. How could I remember that? How would I recognize you? That was twenty years ago."
"You have to remember!" I yell at him. "That first night we met after my accident, when you found me on this dock. You asked if I remembered you and I should have realized it then. You knew me. You recognized me."
Will runs his hand over his hair and the corners of his mouth pull down. "Did you come here looking for a fight?" He crosses his arms over his chest, and I look away for a moment. I eventually make my eyes wander back to his. I can’t allow myself any distractions.
"You knew and you lied to me." I point at him.
"What happened?" His hands are out in front of him now. "I thought everything was fine. Especially after the other night. Now you’re acting, well, insane."
"Oh sure, make fun of the girl with amnesia." I brush past him and he catches my arm, spinning me back around.
"You’re looking for a way out again, just like you did at the docks last week. You’re afraid. Afraid that this can't, and won't, work. I told you exactly how I felt Monday night, and you agreed. You agreed wholeheartedly and told me you love me too. And now you’re backing out again?"
"Things changed," I say through a sob.
"What changed?"
"I was pregnant," I blurt out.
Will reacts as though I slapped him, and I wrap my arms around myself.
"That is why I was in the hospital. I lost the baby."
"And you didn't even think to say anything when I visited you?" Will is the one yelling now, and his voice is low and hostile. I can see tears glistening in his eyes and the sight sends lightening through my veins, cracking my heart in half.
"I didn't know how," I respond.
"Oh, I don't know, how about Will, I'm pregnant."
"Was," I correct him. "I was pregnant."
"I can't believe this." Will turns his back to me and clasps his hands behind his neck, facing his body toward the sea.
"I'm sorry," I say through my own tears. "I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted anything like this to happen... I couldn't have even imagined..."
"You need to go see Charles and Marie," Will says suddenly, spinning toward me.
"I.... what?" I wasn't expecting that. "Why?"
"Missy," he says the name as if it doesn't correlate with me. He has a far off look in his eyes. "Missy, if you really are her. Missy was their granddaughter."
"What? No." Now it’s my turn to be in denial. "That isn't possible. They would have said something. They would have told me."
Smalls detail pop into my mind.
Why did Charles even tell about the nickname Missy?
Why would a couple take in a homeless girl off the street? One with out memories no less?
Will is looking at me with pity now and I can no longer meet his gaze. Charles is in the cafe right now, probably in the back office. Marie is most likely back home, cleaning up and prepping dinner early.
"I need to see her. I need to see Marie," I say suddenly.
"Let me take you." Will doesn't wait for an answer, he just runs back inside to pay his bill. I wander down the boardwalk and head toward the marina, where I know his SUV is parked. I'm halfway there by the time he catches up with me and we walk the remaining distance in silence. The drive from the docks to Charles and Marie's house goes too fast. I can't even think of what I want to say to her, or what I even want to ask. When we pull up to the house I notice that there is another car parked out front, one I've never seen before. I make note of the rental tags as we park next to it.
"Whose car is that?" I ask Will, but he just shrugs. He won't make eye contact with me, and as we walk toward the house he keeps a wide space between our bodies. My heart is screaming and my mind feels tortured.
I step inside and I’m pretty sure that Will is going to leave, but he surprises me by following me inside. Marie is seated at the island counter with a mug of tea in one hand. The other taps nervously on the granite surface.
"Melissa..." she says my name as soft as a whisper.
"Is it true?" I ask. "Am I your granddaughter?"
Marie slips off of the stool and comes to stand in front of me. She places a gentle hand on my arm. "Yes."
"Why didn't you tell me?" I step away from her touch. "All this time you've known."
I think back to the moment I woke up from the accident and how kind and caring Charles and Marie were. How unusual it felt that I found a couple willing to take me in and were supportive of my need to recall my identity on my own. Now I realize that they knew my identity all along, and they were just playing along.
"You called two days before your accident, saying that you were coming to visit. We hadn't seen you in almost twenty years, Melissa. You were upset when you called and we knew that we were going to help you, however you needed it. You hadn't even come into the cafe to say hello before you had your accident. We just saw you fall out on the dock. I knew it was you though, as soon as I saw you."
She clasps her hands in from of her, tears brimming her eyes.
"So it's true?" Will says from beside me.
"I thought for sure you would recognize her at first," Marie tells us. "But then you didn't, and I couldn't seem to tell either of you the truth. Watching you together.... it was like watching you play as children. It was like fate had brought you back together for a second chance at friendship."
“My pregnancy. Did you know?” I croak.
Marie shakes her head quickly. “Your mother, our daughter, has kept you from us. Everything about you. I’ve missed birthdays, holidays, everything.” Tears wet her cheeks.
“I almost didn’t recognize you when you showed up. It’s been so long.”
"But this morning, I talked to Charles outside. I told him that I’m ready to discover who I am. He could have told me then." My tone is filled with anger and bitterness.
"Melissa," Marie says. "That’s because he had already made contact with someone looking for you. Once we heard you were in the hospital, we knew we needed to get a hold of your family. We owed them at least that."
"Who? Who did you contact?" My palms suddenly feel clammy and I wipe them on my shorts.
