by Diana Palmer
“How about today, then, Bett?” he asked softly, bending to her mouth.
They’d kissed before. Soft, clinging kisses. Even a few deep, hard ones. But this was a different way, an oddly sensuous way. His mouth nibbled and brushed and bit at hers in a slow rhythm that made her feel odd from the neck down. Her legs began to tremble as his tongue traced the outline of her mouth and penetrated the soft line of her lips.
He lifted a little, easing onto one elbow so that his other hand had free access to her body. It slid gently over her waist for a long time before it moved up and brushed lightly over her breast. She caught her breath and he lifted his head, but he didn’t move his hand.
He searched her eyes quietly. Seeing the yielding fascination in them, he drew the elasticized bodice slowly down until it rested beneath her breasts, baring them to the sunlight and his darkening eyes.
She held her breath, remembering how it had been. The impact had been frightening; she’d never let a man look at her like that. His eyes were narrowed, glittering and spellbound by the swelling softness of her.
Around them, the deserted park was quiet. Only the soft cries of the birds interrupted the burning silence.
“Oh Bett,” he breathed huskily. His fingers touched the hardening buds as if it were the first time he’d ever touched a woman that way, and they trembled. “Bett, do you even know what it means, when this happens to your body?”
She didn’t, but he told her, in soft, sensuous whispers as he bent to kiss them. She remembered crying out just before his mouth came down to smother the wild little sound. His hands took possession of her, gentle hands that stroked and probed until tears were running down her cheeks.
Her own hands were busy, trying to get his shirt out of their way so that she could feel the thick mat of hair over the warm muscles of his chest. With a shaky laugh, he stripped it off and rolled onto his back, pulling her hands down to his body.
“Learn me, the way I’ve learned you,” he coaxed, his eyes wild with passion as he watched her touch him, watched the fascinated wonder in her eyes as she explored him hesitantly, slowly.
“Don’t stop there,” he whispered when her hands trembled at his waist. He took her hands in his and moved them, and her breath caught at the harsh sound that broke from his lips.
The ground was hard at her back. The hardness of his body was like a brand, melting down onto every inch of hers in the shaded warmth of the day. His hands were under the dress, and only the sudden sound of people in the distance kept him from taking their lovemaking to its natural conclusion.
She could still hear the hard groan against her mouth, feel the trembling of his body as he rolled away from her.
The worst part of it all was that he had to put her back into her dress. She was trembling and crying too hard to do it alone.
“You mustn’t,” he whispered, rocking her against his bare chest. “It was beautiful. The way I knew it would be. We wanted each other, and that’s all, it’s so natural, Bett. Like breathing. There’s nothing in the world to be ashamed of.”
“I’m not ashamed,” she whimpered. “I’m frustrated.”
“Try to imagine how I feel,” he murmured dryly.
She looked up at him and felt as if she had the world. He was looking down at her as if she were the most precious thing he’d ever seen, as if he loved her.
“Cul, I love you,” she whispered to him as her pride yielded to the exquisite sensations he aroused. “I want to marry you and have your children!”
The glow of passion faded from his face. It was always this way whenever she mentioned children or anything permanent.
He framed her face in his hands and looked deep into her eyes. And then he kissed her, in a way he never had before or since. A cherishing, tender, utterly passionless kiss with his whole heart in it.
“Yes, I know,” he whispered back. “I’ll live on that all my life.”
It was an odd thing to say. He helped her to her feet after he’d retrieved his shirt, and they walked back to her apartment hand in hand.
Shyly, she invited him to come in with her, but he shook his head.
“You’re a virgin, darling,” he said softly, brushing the long hair from her cheeks. “Despite the fact that I lost what little sense I had today in the park, I’ve got just enough left to walk away from you. I’ve nothing to offer you, Bett, don’t you see?”
“I don’t care about money…” she began fiercely.
“I know. Neither do I. But that wasn’t what I meant.” He bent to kiss her forehead with a tender brush of his mouth. “You deserve so much more than I can give you, darling. One day, you’ll thank me. So long, Bett….”
* * *
And he’d walked away. She hadn’t known it at the time, but he was walking out of her life. It was later that day that he’d announced his departure for New York, grimly, without looking at Bett. And it was that night that she’d discovered him with Gloria. From dream to nightmare, in only a few hours.
She felt tears in her eyes as she finished her sandwich and reached for her coffee. Her hand withdrew sharply as she recognized the man standing beside her.
“It brings back memories, doesn’t it?” Cul asked coldly, glancing around them with his hands in his pockets. He was wearing his usual jeans, with a yellow knit shirt today, and she hated him for the powerful sensuousness of his body and the longing that had never died.
“Does it?” she asked blankly, staring carelessly at him with an acting ability that was surely Oscar quality.
He lifted his chin and studied her unsmilingly. “You can’t act with me,” he said after a minute. “I know you too well.”
She laughed bitterly. “Yes, you know me.” She picked up her coffee and sipped it. If she ignored him, perhaps he’d go away.
But he didn’t. He eased into the seat beside her with a sigh, and stretched out his long legs.
“It’s been a long day already,” he remarked. “And we’ve hours to go. I hate damned rehearsals.”
“Not half as much as I do, especially yours,” she replied, throwing caution to the winds. She glared at him. “Must you make a career of humiliating me in front of the others?”
He laughed shortly. “I thought we’d come to that.” He let his eyes wander slowly over her. “I want you, Bett,” he said unexpectedly, and with cold anger. “I was sure that six years had blotted you out of my glands, but it hasn’t. Ever since that night in your apartment, I’ve been walking around aching all over.”
Steady, girl, she told herself. This looks like a trap. She smiled carelessly. “I’m sure you’re not used to women refusing you, Cul, but I have a long memory. I’m still carrying your footprints along my spine.”
He searched her dark eyes quietly. “It hurt me as much as it hurt you, walking away,” he said. “I loved you.”
That was something he’d never told her, even though she’d suspected it. To hear it put into words made her want to cry for all the lost years, the lost love. She turned her head away. “Did you?” she asked in a shaky voice, sipping more of her coffee. “You had the strangest damned way of expressing it.”
“I didn’t want marriage,” he reminded her. “I still don’t. And there you were, with your adolescent dreams of marriage and children and happily ever after.”
She glanced at him. “Well, pat yourself on the back. You escaped.”
“Yes, I did. But why haven’t you married, Bett?”
She smiled poisonously. “You cured me, darling. I’m not capable of emotional involvement anymore. Can’t you see the scars, or is it just that you don’t want to?”
His nostrils flared. “Don’t try to lay the blame on me,” he said. He crossed his legs impatiently. “You were the one with the dreams. I was honest with you from the beginning.”
“I was eighteen,” she said. “And you were the first man who made me tremble all over. I came of age with you. I learned what being a woman was all about.”
He lifted his head arr
ogantly. “Not quite.”
She smiled slowly. “Well, not with you, of course,” she continued, meaning to hurt. She felt a pang of triumph when his eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched. “My first lover wasn’t quite in your league, but, then, beggars can’t be choosers.”
He was white in the face, but if he felt anything, it wasn’t showing in those hard green eyes. He looked away toward the lake. “Did he hurt you?”
“Of course,” she said, pretending a nonchalance she didn’t feel. “But no one has since.” She leaned back with the empty cup in her hand, sighing. “I suppose I should thank you for helping me over my inhibitions.” She glanced at him, satisfied with the tenseness of his jaw. “That day in the park was an education in itself. Too bad the people had to come along when they did.”
He looked at her, shocking her with the glitter in his eyes. “Yes, wasn’t it?” he asked coldly. “But, then, the role of tutor never appealed much to me.”
“Was that why you held back?” she murmured, watching him. “I always thought it was because you were afraid I might deliberately get pregnant, to hold you.”
A strange, passionate expression crossed his face and darkened his eyes. He laughed mockingly and turned away. “You weren’t the type to hold a man who didn’t want to be held,” he said in a husky tone.
“Especially after I had one of your lovers flung in my face,” she agreed, standing, oblivious to the flash of pain in his eyes. “Never mind, it was a salutary experience. But not one I care to repeat.”
“You didn’t seem so reluctant the other night, darling,” he reminded her, rising to tower over her. “In fact, you were clinging pretty hard for a woman who wasn’t interested.”
She managed a shrug with magnificent disdain. “It’s been a long, dry spell between men,” she said in a sigh. “Of course there’s David…”
His eyes flashed at her. “Leave him alone,” he said suddenly, unexpectedly.
“Dog in the manger, Cul?” she taunted.
She should have remembered his flash-fire temper. She’d pushed far too hard. He caught her arm and half dragged her into the sheltering tall bushes, jerking her against his body angrily.
“Damn you, Bett,” he breathed as he bent and took her mouth.
This time she managed not to respond. His taunt had frozen her all over. Despite her resolutions, the sensuous roughness of the kiss made her hungry in a way that frightened her. She had to bite her tongue not to moan, clench her hands to keep them from reaching up to him. She wanted him, she loved him. But she was too afraid of him. He could reject her again, and she couldn’t take it. It was better not to get involved in the first place.
It only took a minute for him to realize what she was doing. He lifted his head with a sigh, and glared down at her.
“Frozen over?” he taunted.
“That’s right,” she replied with a tight smile. “I don’t want you anymore.”
He breathed slowly, deliberately, as he let her go. He jammed his hands in his pockets and smiled mockingly. “I could persuade you, if I cared to go to the trouble. But you’re not worth it, darling. I can have any woman I want these days. David’s welcome to you.”
He turned and walked away. Part of her was delighted that she’d routed him. But the biggest part wanted to sit down on the sidewalk and cry. Oh, Cul, she thought miserably, why couldn’t you ever love me? I could be anything, do anything, if you’d just give me the chance. But he’d made it clear that his only interest in her now was physical, and she had too much self-respect to be made a convenience of. She picked up her bag and empty cup and put them neatly into a trash container, along with her memories.
Three
As they were going into the second week of rehearsals, Janet invited her to come to supper, but she couldn’t ever seem to manage time off. Cul had stepped up the pace, and now David seemed to be on the firing line along with Bett. Cul had lost his temper the first time David muffed a line, and his constant criticism quickly produced more mistakes. She and David were spending a lot of time talking between scenes, and once or twice he saw her home. That seemed to enrage Cul.
But today, he was worse than ever, thrashing around the stage like an enraged bull. By the time they broke for lunch, Bett was actually shaking. It was her fault, and she knew it. Cul was still furious about the other day. He was going to make her life hell because of that lapse, and that was going to include anyone who even associated with her. It was no good. She was going to have to quit the play and find something else. She couldn’t bear to see David humbled. He was a kind man, and it wasn’t fair.
She went to Cul after the others left, watching him bend over a script with a pen. He looked up, his green eyes fierce and unfriendly.
“Well?” he growled. “Aren’t you hungry?”
She folded her hands tightly in front of her and clenched them to give her courage. “I want out.”
He rose slowly. “You what?”
“I want out. It isn’t fair to David to be cut up just because he was friendly to me. Or maybe you’re just looking for a way to make me quit. Either way, you’ve accomplished it. You win.” She handed him her script.
But he stared coldly at her outstretched hand. “We’re almost two weeks into rehearsals,” he said. “I don’t replace cast members.”
“No, you just give them hell, don’t you, Cul?” she asked wistfully.
“You wanted the part, darling,” he said mockingly. “So did Hadison.”
“Apparently that makes us guilty of some horrible crime,” she replied. “I’ve told you I’m sorry I asked for the part. God knows, I’ll never make the same mistake again. But if it means causing David to suffer, I’ll—”
“He fluffed his lines,” he said shortly. “So he caught hell. He’ll catch it again, if he does it again. I want perfection here, not slipshod acting. I’ll rail out anyone who doesn’t do his job right, and that includes every actor in the cast.”
“You’ve been singling us out!” she shot back.
“Maybe the two of you should pay more attention to practicing your lines,” he said venomously, “instead of wallowing around in bed!”
She slapped him, quickly and deftly, without bothering to think of the consequences.
He didn’t even flinch. He laid the pen down very carefully and caught her around the waist, jerking her against the length of his hard body.
“I’ve been waiting for that,” he breathed, looking down at her. “Waiting, praying for a sign of your passion again…”
His mouth crushed down on hers, and all the years fell away. All of them, one by one by one, until she was a girl again and it was spring outside.
“Harder,” he whispered against her trembling mouth. “Kiss me hard, the way you used to when we’d lie together in the park, on the grass, and you’d beg for my hands under your blouse. Do you remember, Bett?”
She did, she did, and her mouth was telling him so. She went on tiptoe, her arms clinging, her lips opening to the searching penetration of his tongue. She was on fire, blazing out of control, and his mouth was hard and warm and tasted of cigarette smoke and great passion.
He lifted his head, breathing roughly, his eyes searching hers in the hot silence. “Six years,” he whispered, shaken. “And I touch you, and they all vanish. And I want you, even more than I did then.”
She couldn’t speak, couldn’t breathe. Without another word, he bent, lifting her into his arms.
“We can’t make love in comfort on the stage floor, Bett,” he breathed with rough amusement, “but there’s a soft, long couch in the office I’m using. Soft enough, and long enough, that we can lie on it together and pretend that we’re as young as we were then.”
“Cul…” she began in a whisper.
“No, don’t argue, darling,” he whispered back, brushing her soft mouth with his as he elbowed his way into the office and kicked the door shut. “Just let me kiss you for a few minutes, and take the edge off this damned hunger. I’ve almos
t gone out of my mind since the other night, Bett, I could taste you in my sleep! I want you, God, I want you!”
She wanted him, too, desperately, but it was only going to make things worse. She was still a virgin, although he wouldn’t believe that, and she didn’t want the complication of trying to manage an affair with him. She still loved him, damn him! Still, after all the years, all the humiliation. And she wanted him with a woman’s hunger. But none of it was going to be enough!
“Cul, don’t,” she pleaded as he laid her gently on the long couch, his eyes running hungrily over the tight jeans and black blouse she was wearing.
“Yes,” he said simply, lying down with her. “It’s been a long time, but I haven’t forgotten how your eyes cloud when you want me.”
“We never went all the way,” she reminded him shakily.
“You were a virgin, darling,” he whispered. His fingers ran across one firm, soft breast and she trembled. “I couldn’t take that from you, not when you might have married. Your husband would have wanted to be the first.”
“But now?” she queried.
His hand cupped her warmly, his eyes watching the betraying motion of her body as he caressed her. “Now, you’re twenty-five and no longer a virgin. And presumably, not wanting marriage. Now it’s different. We can have each other. We can…love.”
“Sex,” she whispered, “is not love.”
His eyes wandered back up to hers, and they glittered like sun-soaked leaves. “What we’ll do together won’t be a purely physical joining. There’s too much between us for simple lust, and you know it.” He bent his blond head and his mouth opened on her breast through the thin fabric. She arched, moaning.
“You cried the first time I did this,” he whispered as he nuzzled the warm softness of her body. “We were lying under an oak tree in the park. I kissed you, and before you realized what I was doing, I had your breasts bare. My God, you were so beautiful! You started to protest, but before you could, I put my mouth here, like this.” He kissed her there, softly, easing his hand under the blouse to lift it slowly, sensuously out of the way. Then his mouth found bare skin and a hard, throbbing nub, and her hands tangled fiercely in the hair at the back of his head and ground his mouth against her.
