by Bella Drake
Resigned, we both laughed. I’m glad she didn’t press me for details. Since I didn’t give any, she must have known it was something pretty bad.
“So, this Greg, he’s the one then?” I asked, lightening the mood.
“Well, it's not like I have them beating down the door.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, I really like... well, I love him. I do. He’s good to me and wants to take care of me.”
“I’m happy for you sis.”
“Thanks, Matt. I am too”
I raised my beer. “Cheers.”
“Cheers.” She raised hers with a smile. The bottles clinked together.
“So, boy or girl?” I asked as I took a sip.
“What?”
“Do you want to have a boy or a girl?”
She looked down. The smile on her face vanished when I asked. “I don’t know. Either, I guess.”
I could tell she was thinking about Cassie. I leaned over and put my hand on her knee.
“I miss her too, sis. I never stop thinking about her,” I admitted.
My sister looked up at me with loving, sympathetic eyes. “She’s with you, you know that.”
I smiled. “Well, I wish she would haunt me a little louder.”
We laughed.
I felt so close to Cassie right now sitting next to my sis. I could feel her around me and in my mind. She was here helping me. I had only felt this way once before when she first passed. It was like a dream. I woke up in the middle of the night smiling. It was as if I was surrounded by love. I couldn’t see or hear anything, I just felt it. I'll never forget that feeling ever. The moments when I could feel Cassie around me changed me. Not physically, but something in my mind switched. All the anger and the fight in me would melt away. Instead, it made me feel calm and left me wanting more from life than motorcycles and beer. I wished I could stay in that feeling, but I just didn’t know how.
There was something about the outlaw life that I loved. Trust me, at this point I hated most of it, but the feeling of riding in formation with twenty or thirty guys at a hundred miles per hour is a feeling very few ever feel. However, after seeing the dark side of this outlaw life I was finding it hard to accept the bad with the good. Sure, it was fun but at what cost? There were a lot of great guys like Danny and Jay in the club. They had jobs and families. They just craved something more, something a little dangerous. But the guys that were bad, the ones I referred to as bottom feeders, were guys that had nothing and didn’t care about much except the party or the next snort of meth. Brian and Razor were those guys and now I was on their radar and they would come. I knew that it was just a matter of time.
It was great seeing my sis and her man Greg. He was really happy I agreed to work on the cabin. Everything Greg wanted to be done would take most of the summer. I decided to leave for the cabin and start the renovations right away. The next day, I said goodbye to my sis, packed the van and with Cassie over my shoulder, headed into the mountains. I couldn’t explain it but the more I drove, the closer I felt Cassie. I knew there was something better ahead of me. Sure, I had an entire MC after me, but I had an overwhelming sense of well-being. At least for now.
Over two hours later, I saw the turnoff for Silver Lake. The road to the lake went from paved to gravel, then dirt. After about a mile, there was a fork in the road. I stopped. As the dust cleared, I noticed two signs. One was pointing to the right. It was brand new and you could clearly see the address. The one on the left, however, was so old you couldn’t read the numbers. They had died a long time ago. Knowing that the sign on the left was for me, I proceeded to the only other cabin on the lake, the tiny one my sister and Greg and owned.
Well, it looks like someone else has moved in, I thought. My sister said they hadn’t been up here in almost three years, so that explains why they didn’t mention the new neighbors.
I took the road to the left and after about a mile, I came to a clearing and a small cabin at the edge of the lake. The cabin was old, but it looked like it had good bones. It was made from cedar and had weathered from over the years. Greg’s granddad had built it. He mentioned he was a carpenter and after looking it over, I could tell that he was a good one. It was built with skill and heart. Something you don’t see much these days. It did need a lot of work and I was excited to get to it. I grabbed my bag and groceries and headed inside.
The glint of the lake caught my eye and I headed out the back of the cabin. There was a small yard and a stone pathway that led to a small boat dock. A canoe was tied up and the little kid that lived deep inside of me got excited.
I walked out to the end of the dock. The sun hit my face and the water sparkled like diamonds. I could hardly open my eyes it was so bright. I looked across the lake and was surprised to see a large cabin directly on the other side. It was massive, modern and obviously recently built.
Man, Sis and Greg were in for a surprise. The Jones’s have definitely moved in, I thought.
It didn’t look like anyone was home on the other side. I am sure it wasn’t a permanent home. It was most likely used only on the weekends. I had worked on a few jobs building monster houses on beautiful lakes and rivers in the past and it always amazed me how rich people would spend hundreds of thousands building an amazing home on the perfect lake to only visit once or twice a year if that. To me, Laura’s tiny cabin was more my speed.
I kicked off my boots and sat on the edge of the boat dock. I plunged my feet into the cool water of the lake and lifted my face to the warmth of the sun. I sat and closed my eyes and thought about Cassie, my sis and everything that had happened in the last two days. I thanked Cassie for answering my prayer for a place to hide.
Heck, all I wanted was a rock to hide under but a cabin on the lake would do me just fine, I thought.
I don’t know how much time passed, but it was long enough for the sun to fall over the mountain and cast a shadow over my face. I opened my eyes. I always imagined having a place like this for Cassie, her mom and me. Those were the days when I had dreams of a life and a family. Now I was here alone.
I cleaned out the fire pit and after gathering some pieces of scattered wood, I lit a nice bonfire. I stared at the flames late into the night and finished the bottle of Jack I had brought from the motel. I even managed to howl at the moon like a wolf and it felt great. I thought about calling Jay, but I didn’t. I knew there was nothing he could tell me that I didn’t already know.
I was calm and in a place that I wanted to be in. The reality of my situation was something I was going to avoid for as long as possible. I was buzzed, I had a bonfire and I was in the middle of nowhere. For now, I was good. I was at peace and for the first time in a long while, I knew I would sleep.
Chapter 6
Lucy
I arrived at the lake house and was surprised by the sound of construction across the lake. I made my way inside and piled my grocery bags on the kitchen counter and immediately opened a bottle of rosé and a pack of Ho-Ho’s even though it was only three in the afternoon.
Jeremy wouldn’t even let me have Ho-Ho’s in the fucking apartment that prick, I thought.
I shoveled another Ho-Ho into my mouth and washed it down with the delicious wine. “Oh, soooo good,” I moaned.
I walked to the back of the house and looked out over the beautiful lake. What the hell are they doing over there? I thought. I had never seen anyone at that little cabin across the lake. I assumed it was abandoned. I guess someone is finally fixing up that old piece of crap. Probably a couple with plans of raising their kids on this beautiful lake, just like Jeremy... that fucking asshole. The tears exploded.
I hated Jeremy, but a tiny piece of me was in love with the ideas I had embedded in my brain. Our plans, our kids, this place. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t get rid of that feeling, that hope. I must have been a serial rapist in a past life to deserve this heartache.
***
Chloe, my ex-best friend/husband-steal
er used to tell me that I had daddy issues. She said the men I dated always told me what to do and how to think. All I did was try to please them. “You're just searching for a father,” she would say. I don’t think I was but as long as I could remember, I wished that I had a father. Mine died when I was six years old. He was killed by a drunk driver and my mom blamed me for it. She said I had begged him to go and get some ice cream. Unfortunately, when he did that was it. Some guy leaving a bar crashed into him, killing him instantly. After he passed, things between my mom and I were never the same. Sometimes when I pass a man on a street or in a store, I will recognize his cologne. The same cologne my dad used to wear and I long to have him back in my life. My mom eventually found another man when I was about sixteen. By then, I was a wild child and as soon as I turned eighteen, they left for Florida.
“You know you can come if you want,” I remember her saying disingenuously. I knew she couldn’t wait to get rid of me. She promised I could come and stay anytime I wanted, but being around her reminded me of the guilt I had. As much as I love dessert, I can’t eat ice cream to this day. I thought about calling her after my first divorce. I was devastated, but I knew she would only say it was my fault. There was no way I was going to call her after my second failure in marriage. No matter, I didn't have her number anyway. Hell, she could be dead for all I know.
I sat in the kitchen nook I designed, looking out over the lake. I loved this place. I remember when Jeremy brought me here to look at the property. There was only one lot available to build on at this lake. It was purchased in the 1930’s and was grandfathered in the clause. Aside from the tiny cabin across the way, there were no other lots that could be built upon. That is what the made the property so special. Jeremy knew the previous owners and when they decided to sell the lot, he bought it as a surprise for me. It was my wedding gift.
Thanks for this beautiful place, Jeremy. You’re still a big fat asshole.
I remember standing on the shore and thinking my life was perfect. Hell, I remember thinking Jeremy was perfect. Pfft, yeah right. It seems like as long as I could remember people I love either die or leave me. Well, this time I will be the one leaving and that’s alright by me. That reminds me…the gun.
I looked up at the ceiling. The bedroom loft was right above me. I grabbed the neck of the wine bottle and headed upstairs. Everything I saw was a reminder of our love. The bed we picked out and christened when we finished the house. The antique vanity we bought together at a Sotheby’s auction. Everything in this place was a play-by-play of our love affair of building this place. I slammed the bottle of rosé on the vanity, cracking the antique glass top.
“Whoops!” I said, laughing. “Hell, a month ago I would have been devastated if that happened. Strange how priorities change when you're planning to check out.”
I opened the closet door and way in the back, I found it. Jeremy’s I-am-scared-of-my-own-shadow shotgun. I picked it up and brought it out into the room. It was bigger and heavier than I remember and it scared me. I’d never shot a gun and had no idea how to even make this thing work. I sat on the bed holding the gun in my lap. I looked it over. It read Mossberg 12 gauge on the side of the gun. I thought I would change my mind when I had the gun in my hands but instead, I was excited about how impressive it was. The barrel looked enormous and would surely give me the desired effect I was looking for. I wasn’t ready though, not now. I had some partying to do before I would say “goodbye, cruel world.”
I found a box of shells on the floor where I found the gun and brought them downstairs. I knew exactly where I would do it. In the main living room, there is a huge wall covered with Jeremy’s prized taxidermy heads he bought on eBay. He had this romantic idea of living here and hunting for deer but ended up just buying them.
The fucking asshole could barely kill a spider properly, let alone hunt. I thought to myself how symbolic it all was as I looked up at the taxidermy on the wall imagining my brains splattered all over the animal kingdom. I sat the gun and the shells against the wall and then went to the kitchen for another Ho-Ho. “I fucking love Ho-Ho’s!” I shouted.
I looked out the window across the lake and saw a man over at the little cabin. I watched him walk down to the dock and to the end of it. He wasn’t wearing a shirt and I could see he was covered in tattoos. I couldn’t help but notice his muscular build. “Hmm, who are you mystery man?” I asked myself.
I ducked when I thought I saw him look over at the house. I watched him drink his beer and reflect. It was interesting watching someone else think. He looked like he was thinking intensely about something.
What are you thinking mystery man? Did he have a fight with his girlfriend? Probably owes alimony. “What the fuck?!” I suddenly shouted. He had just zipped down his pants, pulled his cock out and pissed right in the lake!
“That’s not a fucking toilet you dip shit!” I yelled, but he couldn’t hear me.
I almost went outside and yelled across the lake, but I stopped at the door. I didn’t want to attract attention. God, what a fucking asshole. After he had pissed in the lake he disappeared to the front of the cabin and then I heard the screaming saw start again. “Great, I get to listen to a construction site during my last few days on the fucking planet. God, why not?!”
I was exhausted and still pretty hung over from last night at Jeremy’s apartment. I curled up on the cushioned bench in the bay window looking out over the lake. I watched as a family of deer walked along the lake eating new leaves. The spotted baby deer took a drink from the lake.
“Fucking asshole,” I said, looking over at the little cabin. “Pissing in the lake, you jerk.”
I must have passed out because the next thing I knew it was dark. I looked out into the night sky and saw the moon shining down on the water. I could see a bonfire blazing at the cabin across the lake. My house was pitch black. I hadn’t turned on the lights when I arrived and assumed my neighbor was unaware that I was here.
I could see the man sitting alone by the fire. I could hear music playing. The sounds of Led Zeppelin traveled loudly across the lake. At first, I was annoyed but then I figured the man didn’t think anyone was here. I also liked Led Zeppelin. Jeremy, on the other hand, hated anything from the 1970’s. He liked fucking Kenny G! God, I couldn’t stand that crap. Don’t get me wrong, I appreciate good musicians, but it was torture listening to insipid jazz clarinet all the time. Without turning on the lights, I went to the kitchen and poured a glass of wine and returned to the bay window to watch the mystery man – my new favorite show. This was better than TV.
I could tell he was drunk. He sang along to the music in sour notes and I saw him stumble and fall. He laughed at his own clumsiness. Part of me wanted to go over there and meet the neighbor. He looked like he was having fun howling at the moon. Not to mention after seeing him urinate in the lake earlier, he looked well-equipped and God knows how long it had been since I'd been intimate. I loved fucking Jeremy. We fit like a puzzle. He said I was the best he ever had, but I guess the best wasn’t good enough for that asshole. I was sad Jeremy would be my last, but I guess it didn’t matter. In the end, nothing matters. Who cares what you have or what you will miss? I deserved better than he gave me. I was a good wife and would have been a great mother. I guess it wasn’t meant to be. The fire faded and it looked like the man at the cabin had passed out in his chair by the fire. I don’t know why, but I watched as the flames flickered across the lake and faded into darkness.
I woke up the next morning still crumpled up in the bay window. I looked over and the man by the fire was gone. “Fuck! My head,” I said, holding my hand to my forehead. I stumbled to the kitchen and had a breakfast Ho-Ho. I will never get sick of these, I thought to myself as I stuffed another into my mouth. I washed it down with the rosé, putting more hair on the dog once again. “Breakfast of champions. Jeremy would be so proud,” I said laughing. “Oh shit, speak of the devil,” I said, looking over at my phone on the counter. By the custom Kenny G ring
tone I knew it was Jeremy. I immediately started laughing. He must have gone to the apartment and found the little mess I left. “Whoops,” I chuckled.
I fumbled with my phone and answered. “Hello, this is Lucy. How can I direct your call?”
“Oh, really nice Lucy, really fucking mature,” Jeremy said. “You trashed my apartment! Who do you think you are, you bitch?”
“Oh, what’s wrong? Did your little girlfriend not like my redecorating?”
“You know what Lucy?”
“What! Whaaat!”
“I’m done with you and your...”
“My what? You fucking prick!”
“You're sad. You're just a sad, sad bitch and I never have to listen to you whine about your sob stories again. You wonder why men walk all over you? Look in the mirror and behind that pretty face is a lost, broken little girl searching for Daddy. You are so sad Lucy; do you hear me? Fucking sad, and now you're fucking alone.”
“Ha! Oh my, you really know how to make a girl feel special. Thank you! Jeremy, thank you so much for letting me know I am sad. I really had no idea. You know, I am sorry, baby, for putting you through my sob stories about my ex cheating on me. What a horrible person I am and thank you so much for enlightening me on how unreasonable I was being. You know, you're right. I should never have mentioned it, I shouldn’t have shared anything with you.”
“Lucy!”
“No! I guess I should have just bent over and let you fuck me without saying a word. Is that what you like? Oh, that’s right. You like mindless whores that are too scared to say anything to you and lets you fuck her whenever you want. You are the man, such a great man.”
“I don’t need to listen to this.”
“Then why are you?”
“Because you trashed my apartment, that’s why.”
