Wife Errant

by Joan Smith

  “That is very kind of you, Lord Revel, but I fear your cousin is not the real problem. I have been giving this considerable thought, and I fear Mama will only latch on to some other hedgebird if Lord James shabs off on her.”

  Revel swallowed that “hedge-bird” without blinking, although he was surprised at the lady’s plainspeaking.

  “Are you saying, then, that Lord James’s pockets are entirely to let? That it is only Mama’s fortune he is after?”

  “I did not say ‘only.’ Your mama is still a lovely lady.”

  “But you also implied he was after my dot,”

  “Then by induction, you may assume you, too, are a lovely lady. That is a compliment, Miss Marchant.”

  “Yes, to my dowry, I think.”

  “I shall try to do better next time. Perhaps a glass of wine would sharpen my wits.”

  “Oh, certainly. I assumed you would be in a hurry to dash off to some do or other.” She poured him a glass of sherry and refilled her own.

  “I can drink this up quickly, if you are going out,” he said, wondering at her elegant toilette.

  “I am not going anywhere. I wasted my time getting all dressed up in the vain hope that Lord James would call off and Mama would take Dulcie and me to the Lower Rooms.”

  Lord Revel’s wish was for a quick escape. “Surely you can chaperone Dulcie,” he said, without thinking. Her angry glare told him he had been tactless.

  “I have not set up as a chaperone yet, milord!”

  To apologize would be to admit his error. He tried to turn it into a compliment. “Your dignity led me astray. You have such a serious manner, one does not think of you in terms of—” Oh, dear, this was rapidly careening toward disaster. “All your church work, and so on,” he said vaguely.

  “You have made your point, Lord Revel, but I fear the quizzes of Bath would not share your views.”

  In the end, it was a combination of Tess’s improved toilette and his own embarrassment that led him into folly. “I’ll take you to the assembly, if you wish. I am on my way there now.” As soon as the offer was out, he regretted his lapse of wisdom. He expected a joyous outcry, gratitude, even a note of disbelief at her good fortune, followed by a long evening of boredom.

  Tess considered his offer a moment in dull silence, then said, “Dulcie has already gone to bed, and truth to tell, I have a nagging headache. It is the sherry. I had a rather big glass before you came.”

  His surprise soon rose to annoyance at her refusal. “I expect you have some headache powders in the house.”

  “Yes, but...” She examined Lord Revel. The most handsome, eligible gentleman in town had just asked her out, so why was she declining? On those few occasions when she stood up with him at the local assemblies, the dance was pure torture. She never knew what to say to him. Half the time she didn’t even know what he was talking about. His conversation was affected and cynical. To spend a whole evening in his company seemed too much of a strain, particularly in her present troubled state.

  He waited. “Yes, but—?”

  “I did want to make Mama think I was carrying on with some gentleman, so she would worry about me, and hopefully begin to think about propriety. She has no more notion of propriety than a cat, Lord Revel. It is really quite shocking. I daresay if I were out with you, however, even Mama might worry.”

  Revel just blinked in astonishment. When he found his tongue, he said in blighting accents, “She would have to be lax indeed to let that pass without sending for the constable!”

  Tess looked aghast at what she had said. Her fingers flew to her lips in consternation. “Oh, dear. I did not mean— It is just that she knows your reputation.”

  “So I gathered.”

  “I’m sure you are not as bad as everyone says,” she said, hoping to lessen her offense.

  “Then why do you hesitate to come with me?” he asked.

  “You don’t quite understand what I am saying.”

  “I think I do, but if I misunderstand, then you are saying your piece badly, Miss Marchant. Marshal your thoughts, and tell me what the problem is.” Anger was deteriorating to curiosity, and even amusement at her predicament.

  “Well, it is all rather complicated. I am trying to reform Mama. Just going to an assembly is not enough. I need some biddable fellow who will meet me for secret trysts in gardens, and keep me out late, and generally make Mama think I am being indiscreet, so that she will worry and nag. She cannot rag at me if she is playing the hoyden herself, so she will have to pull in her own horns.”

  “I can be the very soul of indiscretion,” he said, warming to the novel idea. Revel was finding Bath dull since he had dropped his latest flirt. This was a caper much to his taste. It would enliven the few weeks of his mama’s visit. Tess was by no means an antidote. It might be amusing to have a harmless flirtation with a lady so different from his usual friends. Best of all, they both knew it was in jest.

  “I know it,” she said, “but that is not what I want. I want someone harmless, who will not be trying to kiss me ... or anything like that. I have no intention of really being a loose woman you must know, Lord Revel. I just want Mama to think so.”

  “Short of hiring an actor, Miss Marchant, I doubt you will find what you want, even in staid old Bath. You could find many a gent who would not give you a moment’s worry about kissing you behind bushes. Your greatest fear would be dying of boredom, but then such a man would not worry your mama much, either, would he? No sane gent would put his reputation at risk, and the insane sort could not be counted on to be so biddable as you require.”

  “You’re right. It was an idiotic idea.”

  “Why do you keep avoiding the obvious?”

  “Hiring an actor, you mean? I wouldn’t know how—”

  He drew a weary sigh. “No, ma’am. I was referring to Lord Revel.” He performed a graceful bow. “You have before you a man vastly experienced in trifling with a lady’s affections. I have no reputation to lose, and I will solemnly undertake not to kiss you behind any bushes. You and I understand that you will not take advantage of the situation to bullox me into an offer of marriage.” He pierced her with a gleam from his flashing blue eyes.

  “I have not the least wish to marry you!”

  “The feeling is mutual. I will not push discretion to the point where you are publicly branded as a harlot. Our indiscretions will be for your mama’s eyes only.”

  She listened closely, and when he fell silent, she spoke. “Why would you bother? It will be a dull scald for you, having to jaunter about town with me.”

  “You underestimate yourself, Miss Marchant. Besides,” he added more truthfully, “Mama’s annual visits to Bath are always a dull scald for me.”

  “Then I am surprised you come with her.”

  “Contrary to popular report, I am not composed one hundred percent of selfishness. The visits have become a tradition. In the winter we come to Bath for a month for our health. Mama drinks the waters and I vegetate. She tells me it is the only time of the year she sees me for more than two days running. For some unaccountable reason she likes to see her son on a daily basis from time to time. I rather enjoy seeing her, too, as a matter of fact.”

  Tess listened, and after a pause, she took her decision. “If you’re sure you have nothing better to do, then I accept, Lord Revel. It is very kind of you. I never thought you would be the sort to—” He lowered his brows in a mock-menacing way. “I shall tell Dulcie I’m leaving now.”

  “Perhaps she would like to come with us?”

  “Oh, no! We don’t want her along. How can we misbehave with a youngster to look after? We may have to stay out pretty late if I am to come home after Mama. That is the sort of thing I had in mind, to make her worry, you know. Are you sure you want to go on with this, Lord Revel?”

  “Quite sure.”

  “Then it will be better if we just sneak out without telling Dulcie. I’ll have Crimshaw send a servant up for my pelisse.”

 
“And the headache powders. I can tell you from experience, it is impossible to carry on a successful dalliance with a lady who has the megrims.”

  She touched her fingers to her temples. “My headache seems to be gone. Perhaps it was just frustration.” A warm and natural smile beamed at him. “I never imagined it would be so exciting, misbehaving like this.”

  Revel rose and offered her his hand. “See what you have been missing all these years, Miss Marchant?” he said in an insinuating voice.

  Their eyes met and held a moment. It looked very like a challenge in Revel’s gaze. Fear tinged with pleasure gazed back at him.

  Tess called Crimshaw and told him she was going out with Lord Revel. He need not inform Miss Dulcie unless she asked.

  “By then it will be too late for her to do anything about it,” she explained to Lord Revel.

  Crimshaw returned with the pelisse, and Lord Revel placed it over Tess’s shoulders. He stood behind her. His head leaned forward and he said softly in her ear, “All set for a night of wild debauchery, Tess?”

  A shiver scuttled up her spine at the sound of his voice reverberating in her ear. She cast a frightened peep over her shoulder. “You called me Tess. You never did that before.”

  “I always call my flirts by their first names. You may call me Revel.”

  When Revel placed her hand on his arm and led her out, Crimshaw looked stiff with disapproval. Tess feared she had chosen her flirt unwisely. She also felt a giddy tingle of excitement to be misbehaving for the first time in her life.

  Chapter Five

  The Lower Rooms were bulging with company by the time Lord Revel and Tess arrived at the assembly. Heads turned to ogle Revel’s new flirt. As Tess had made so few forays into society, she was not recognized by many, but the few who knew her were busy to spread all the scandal.

  “Her mama is no better than she should be. No doubt the daughter is the same.”

  “That would suit young Lord Revel right down to the heels.”

  “Nonsense, a man does not dirty his own backyard. The Marchants are close neighbors of the Revels in the country. And the girl has a good dowry.”

  "A match, then?”

  Tess’s fingers clutched at Revel’s arm as at a lifeline. “Everyone is whispering!” she said in a low voice.

  “Excellent! Word is bound to get back to your mama. A pity they don’t play any waltzes at these do's. There is something so very respectable about the cotillion. But I promise to do my poor best to raise eyebrows, Tess.”

  “You will not have to try. I see you raise eyebrows by just entering a room.”

  They joined a square, and for the length of the dance, Revel flirted admirably. Languishing glances and soft smiles were bestowed on Tess when the steps of the dance took them apart, and when they were together, he spoke softly, to give the idea their conversation was too intimate for other ears.

  “Evans is planning to ask you for the next set,” he whispered.

  “How do you know?”

  “By the calculating way he is looking at you. I shall play the jealous lover and carry you off for tea.”

  “Good! I should love a cup of tea. I ought to have taken that headache powder after all. My temples are pinching again. I feel like a filly tip at auction, with everyone staring at me. I don’t know how you can stand it, Revel.”

  “And here you thought my life was a bed of roses.”

  “Liberally sprinkled with thorns,” she added. “I am not so foolish as to imagine a high flyer has an easeful life.”

  “You’ll get used to the altitude. When I made my maiden speech in the House, I received some excellent advice from the Duke of Devonshire. Pretend all the people staring at you are stark naked, and they will soon lose their power to intimidate. I still practice the trick from time to time.”

  “On the ladies, I wager!” she scolded.

  “You read me like a book, Tess.”

  As he had prophesied, Evans appeared beside them at the cotillion’s end. “Miss Marchant, may I have the honor?”

  Revel put a possessive arm around Tess’s waist and said, “Miss Marchant is not feeling very well, Evans. We are going to take tea.”

  Evans said what was expected. “I am very sorry to hear it, Miss Marchant. Perhaps later?”

  “Perhaps,” Revel said jealously, and led her off to the tearoom, where he avoided all the company beckoning to him and chose a table for two.

  “There were two very handsome bachelors at that table, Revel,” she pointed out.

  “You have already chosen your rake, madam. We are like horses; dangerous to change in midstream.”

  “A pity all the handsome men are rakes.” She sighed. It was possible to infer a compliment in this complaint, and he let it pass. “I should like to have a dance with Evans later,” she said. “I have been casting sheep’s eyes at him all week on Milsom Street, and he never spared me a glance. It is my being with you that has raised me in his esteem.”

  “Watch your words, Tess. You are skating dangerously close to a compliment there.”

  She made a little moue and laughed. Revel was intrigued with the change in her. Excitement lent a sparkle to her eyes and a flush to her cheeks. Nothing, however, altered the blunt nature of her speech. “I only meant he probably thinks I am fast. He has a little reputation with the ladies.”

  “Odd you were casting sheep’s eyes at such a rattle.”

  “I am not at all so nice in my demands as you seem to think, Revel. At my advanced age, you know, and with the scandal hovering over the family, I must grab whatever sort of parti I can get my hands on. At least he is not a fortune hunter. Mama says he has a dandy estate in Kent.”

  “I see Mama is not entirely derelict in her guardianship.”

  “She can see a fortune hunter by daylight.”

  “It is by moonlight they must be watched," he warned.

  After tea, Tess had her dance with Evans. She found him a dead bore after Revel’s company, but forged on with the acquaintance. He was given permission to call at Bartlett Street the next day. Other gentlemen stood up with her, and before leaving, she had a second dance with Revel.

  “This will set the old cats to meowing,” she said, laughing. “A second dance is a forerunner to an engagement in Bath. Mama is bound to hear of this.”

  “We’ll give her more than this to worry about. Let us go for a drive after, and return at one o’clock.”

  “Or later, if she is not home yet,” Tess said.

  “How will we know? I foresee a long wait, huddling in shadows for her to return, only to learn she has been home all along.”

  “No, she’ll turn out the lights when she goes to bed.”

  The assembly was over at eleven. They drove straight to Bartlett Street, to see if the lights were still burning. They were, which left them with the problem of where to go for the next hour or two.

  “A pity the circulating library is closed,” Tess said. “I can spend hours poring over the books.”

  “A great pity,” Revel agreed, chewing a grin. “We shall drive into the Crescent Gardens and see whose carriage is where it shouldn’t be.”

  “What do you mean, Revel?”

  As this revealed his own scarlet past, he ignored the question. “Or we could just take a spin into the countryside.”

  “I don’t understand. Why would anyone go to the Crescent Gardens so late at night? They could not see the flowers.”

  “They could smell them.”

  “They go there to cuddle!” she exclaimed. “That is what you meant!”

  “ ‘Cuddle’ is one word for it, I suppose.”

  “I’m surprised your team did not head in that direction from habit.”

  “There is more than one place to take a wayward lady. I prefer a discreet inn in the country,” he said airily.

  “I prefer the Crescent Gardens. Let us go there at once.”

  He snapped to attention. “What?”

  “To see if Lord James’s ca
rriage is there, stoopid! I hope you didn’t think I planned to let you have your way with me.”

  “I don’t want to have my way with you! This is fine gratitude for all my efforts to help you.”

  “I have been wondering about that. I cannot quite trust disinterested help from you, for your mama always says you are the most selfish beast in nature.”

  “What possible good can I hope to gain from helping you?” he demanded hotly.

  “I think you want to get Esmée back by making her jealous, since Papa stole her from you, and it amuses you to use me to do it.”

  “Who says I want her back?”

  “I haven’t heard you have taken up with anyone else.”

  “Perhaps my amorous career is on hiatus.”

  “Hiatus? What is that?”

  “Pardon me. The word has three syllables,” he said through thin lips.

  “How very rude you are! I know lots of words with three syllables.”

  “Of course you do. There is cowcumber, and nip-farthing.”

  “Don’t forget reprobate!” she added, with a bold smile.

  “Add ingratitude to your list, milady.”

  “That is four syllables. I count, too, you see. Oh, look, Revel!” She grabbed his arm. “That is Lord James’s carriage, is it not? And it’s only eleven-thirty. He is bringing her home pretty early. We’ll wait till Mama goes in. I want her to have a few minutes to worry about me. Say half an hour. We shall just park here in the shadows.”

  “I cannot leave my nags standing in this cold for half an hour!”

  “Why do gentlemen invariably put the welfare of their cattle before that of ladies?” she snipped.

  Undeterred, Revel pulled the check string and directed John Groom to trot the nags along the Upper Bristol Road a few miles, then return, but they waited to see Lord James escort Mrs. Marchant to her front door.

  “We should have waited to see if she invited him inside,” Tess complained as the carriage rolled away.

  “We’ll see if his rig is still there when we return.”

  “What, leave his nags standing in the cold for half an hour? Impossible!”