“I—uh came out here to—uh check on you,” he stammered.
It was partially true—at least in theory.
They walked up toward the haus, Tobias’s arms weighed down with a stack of wood. Priscilla stopped in her tracks when they faced the snow angels that lay just beyond the porch. She felt as frozen as the blanket of snow that covered the yard. Had Tobias made the snow angels, or had she been visited by real angels?
Chapter Four
“I know you made the snow angels,” Priscilla told Tobias, trying to hide her disappointment.
“I didn’t do it to upset you,” he admitted, worried by the misty-eyed beauty beside him.
She seemed to be in shock.
Tobias juggled the three wedges of firewood in his other arm and slipped his free hand into Priscilla’s. Her hand clamped onto his, but she remained motionless. It took all his willpower not to drop the stack of wood and pull her into his arms. He wanted to comfort her and ease her pain, but he feared she would only reject him. He’d seen the way she was vying for his bruder’s attention when they were skating. Tobias knew better than to hope that Priscilla would be interested in him. All the women liked Jesse; he was older and more confident. Tobias had always felt like the awkward younger bruder who was always stuck in Jesse’s shadow.
Priscilla gasped, letting go of his hand as if she suddenly realized what she was doing. She rushed toward the door, leaving Tobias stunned for a moment. He hurried to catch up to her, shifting the heavy firewood in his arms. Following her into the sitting room after stomping the snow off his boots, Tobias placed all three wedges onto the pile of embers in the fireplace. Priscilla handed him the poker so he could stir them up. The moist firewood popped and sizzled as it slowly caught fire.
Once the fire was well underway, Tobias continued to stir the coals mindlessly. The only sound between them was the crackling and popping of the fire. Heat poured into the small room, and Priscilla stood close to him, her bare hands extended toward the fire. She pulled off her knitted hat and her auburn hair tumbled over her shoulders. The amber glow of the fire brought out the red in her hair and illuminated her porcelain skin. She looked at him with green eyes that bore into him. He didn’t want to leave her. He wanted to weave his fingers through her hair and kiss her.
“Danki,” she whispered through rosebud lips.
Unable to resist her any longer, Tobias cupped his hands around Priscilla’s face and drew her to him until their lips touched. He closed his eyes against the sweetness of her kiss, lingering over her lips. Her breath warmed his neck as he pulled her closer to him. He felt her lips lightly kiss his temple as he held her close, fearing if he let her go the spell between them would be broken. Was he dreaming this? He moved his head to the side and found her lips again, this time with a hunger that matched her own.
“I could kiss you forever,” he whispered between kisses.
Priscilla tensed. What was she doing? She’d let her guard down, and she couldn’t risk her heart getting broken. Kissing Tobias was wunderbaar gut, but Amish menner died too easily. She couldn’t risk losing another mann she loved without losing her mind. As tough as it was to do, she pulled away from him. Her throat constricted, and tears welled up in her eyes. She swallowed hard, trying to push down her emotions. She couldn’t even look at him.
Tobias cleared his throat. “I—uh, I’ll go get some more firewood.”
Before she could object, he was out the door. He would likely expect to court her now, but she couldn’t allow it. After seeing what her mamm had been through since her daed and bruder had passed away, Priscilla could never allow herself to marry and risk losing a husband and kinner. Her mamm had not recovered since the funeral, and Priscilla feared she would never be the same. If she opened her heart to Tobias, Priscilla knew she wouldn’t be able to bear losing him. She told herself it was better to end things between them now before she’d vested too much of her heart. The thought of it hurt too much already, but she knew if she prolonged their relationship it would hurt more later. It was best to end it now before it was too late.
Tobias returned with an armful of firewood, set it beside the hearth, and quickly exited the room. Priscilla had kept her gaze on the fire, avoiding eye-contact with him when he’d paused to look at her. When he returned with another armful of wood, Priscilla steeled herself against his charm. No matter how much she wanted to be in his arms again, or how much she’d enjoyed the feel of his mouth on hers, it had to end.
After unloading a second armful of wood, Tobias took a step toward her. Priscilla stepped back, unable to look him in the eye. She feared if she did she would surely burst into uncontrollable sobs.
He reached up and brushed her cheek with the back of his hand but she shied away.
“Danki for bringing in the firewood, but it’s very late. Guten nacht.”
Tobias advanced toward her, dipping his head to kiss her, but she turned her face.
“Guten nacht, Tobias,” she whispered.
Tobias pursed his lips, feeling confused and rejected. “Jah, guten nacht.”
Priscilla regretted every step he took toward the door. She wanted to call out to him, but she couldn’t find her voice. Her arms ached for him, her heart feeling as if it was broken like shards of glass. She’d hurt him; she’d seen his blue eyes cloud over with agony. He loved her; she could see it in his eyes. If only she was brave enough to allow herself to love him back. He lumbered across the hardwood floors, his steps hesitant. She missed him before he even walked out the door.
What had she done?
Chapter Five
“Why didn’t you tell me you wanted to court Jesse? How could you kiss me like that if you didn’t like me?”
Priscilla couldn’t face Tobias, who was obviously more hurt than the night before when she’d practically kicked him out of her haus. How could she admit to him that going after his bruder was a defense against her heart to keep it from breaking? She didn’t like Jesse; she was in lieb with Tobias, but fear wouldn’t let her admit it. Jesse was unattainable, and therefore safe for her heart. If she could convince herself that Tobias wasn’t for her, then perhaps the sting of his words and the truth wouldn’t hurt so much. But now he’d discovered what she’d been up to for the past few days.
“Who I like is none of your business,” Priscilla said before she could stop the words from leaving her lips. “But if you must know—I don’t like anyone!”
Tobias’s expression fell. “That kiss last night meant nothing to you?”
She wanted to tell him it meant everything to her, that she loved him, but her mouth wouldn’t form the words. Instead, she jutted out her chin and turned her back on him. She had humiliated herself with her foolishness, and now she didn’t know how to undo it.
Tobias wasn’t willing to give up on her so easily. There was a reason she was turning a cold shoulder to him, and he didn’t believe it had anything to do with Jesse. He could see how much hurt she carried around and how she plainly needed to be loved. He grabbed her hands and twirled her easily on her skates, bringing her with him to the other side of the pond where they could talk without being overheard.
Priscilla tried to pull away from him, but he tucked her arm in the crook of his elbow and let his skates glide swiftly across the ice. It was a perfect day; the sun shone high above them and glistened across the ice. If not for the fact it was almost blinding, she would think it was beautiful. She no longer had the energy to fight Tobias or the pull on her heartstrings. She wanted to tell him the truth, but she couldn’t force the words from her throat. She would just have to live with her shame.
Priscilla whirled around. “Can’t we just be friends?” she begged.
“Friends?” he practically shrieked. “I can’t go back to being just your friend. That kiss meant something to me—even if it meant nothing to you.”
Tobias skated away from her, leaving her feeling more humiliated and heartbroken than she ever thought possible.
****<
br />
“You need to work out your differences with mei bruder, Tobias,” Jesse scolded Priscilla.
She could feel everyone’s eyes on her, and she laughed nervously as though Jesse had told her something funny. If it got back to Ruby that Jesse had reprimanded her, she’d suffer even more humiliation.
“Skate with me to the end of the pond so that our conversation won’t be overheard by everyone,” Priscilla pleaded with him.
He abided by her wishes, taking her hand and placing it in the crook of his arm. Onlookers would conclude that they were a couple skating together, and that was exactly what she wanted everyone to think—especially Tobias. When they reached the other end of the icy pond, Priscilla twirled anxiously while Jesse sat down on the bench and adjusted his skate.
“I can tell that Tobias likes you, and I don’t want him getting hurt. If you don’t like him, tell him the truth, but don’t kiss him and then tease him the way I heard you did.”
Priscilla fumed, her face heating with anger. She didn’t want to talk about Tobias. It hurt too much.
“I didn’t tease him. I changed my mind is all.”
Jesse scowled. “That’s pretty immature, don’t you think? Don’t you think you owe him an explanation?”
“It was one kiss! I didn’t marry him!”
Priscilla skated in little circles in front of the bench where Jesse sat. If she didn’t change the subject, she was going to cry. His words made her angry, and she wondered if others would think the same of her.
“Perhaps while Ruby is recovering from her fall, I can continue your instruction. You still seem a little wobbly on your skates. I’m well aware that was the only reason you let me hold onto you just now when we skated down to this end of the pond.”
She desperately needed a distraction, and she didn’t care what it was—as long as it kept the ache in her heart for Tobias from pulling her down.
“This isn’t going to work, Priscilla,” Jesse said impatiently. “I appreciate your offer to help me, but I’d rather skate alone and work on the things Ruby already taught me before…”
“Before you knocked her down and probably crippled her for life,” Priscilla barked. “You should be ashamed of yourself for pushing her!”
She hadn’t meant to say it, but it just sort of spilled out like word-vomit. It seemed the more she tried to stifle her feelings for Tobias, the more anger rose up in her and spilled out into everything she said.
Jesse finished adjusting his skate and stood up, towering over Priscilla. “That was an accident, and you know it, Priscilla.”
Prissy folded her arms and held her ground.
“Tell that to Ruby!”
Why couldn’t she just be quiet? She could see how much her mean-spirited words were hurting Jesse. More than that, she was hurting Ruby, and the girl had no idea. But how could she put a stop to her anger?
“Does Ruby blame me for the accident?” Jesse asked timidly.
The corners of her mouth turned up with contempt. “Of course she blames you; she might never skate again!”
Jesse squared his shoulders and pushed past her onto the ice.
Priscilla skated slowly to the other side of the pond, trying desperately to keep her composure. She could not lose control in front of everyone in the youth group, no matter how much she was hurting. All she knew was that if she didn’t leave now, she was going to fall apart, and that was just not acceptable.
Chapter Six
Priscilla found herself covered in snow as she formed the snow angel in Tobias’s yard. It was dusk, and he would be returning soon from being with his friends. She had to do something to make up for the mess she’d caused everyone, and she would start with Tobias. She was confused about what she wanted, and though trying to convince Ruby that she was attending the skate party with Jesse was one of her biggest lies, the truth was more difficult to accept. She’d messed things up between herself and Tobias. By pushing him away and making everyone think she liked Jesse, she’d made a fool of herself and hurt everyone in her path—including herself.
As her arms and legs formed the angel, she felt a peace wash over her. Was this how it felt to have Gott forgive you? Tears welled up in her eyes, and she began to pray out loud, raising her voice toward Heaven.
“Gott, forgive me for the mess I’ve made of everything. I’ve hurt so many with my lies. Heal the hurt and the emptiness I feel over losing mei daed and mei bruder. I miss them so much. Take away the fear in my heart over loving Tobias. I do love him, Gott, but I’m afraid if I do, then he will leave me the way mei daed and bruder did. Please put forgiveness in the hearts of those I’ve hurt—especially Ruby and Tobias.”
Priscilla stood up slowly, surveying the perfect snow angel. Would it be enough to let Tobias know how she felt? She knew she would have to apologize to him—and to Ruby, but she prayed the snow angel would be a start. He’d made one for her, and she hoped that hers would be viewed as a peace offering and a symbol of her true feelings for him.
Tears welled up in Tobias’s throat at Priscilla’s confession. But more than that, she loved him—he’d heard it with his own ears! He stood behind the edge of the haus unable to bring himself to disturb her. If she knew he’d overheard her prayer, she might never trust him. He didn’t mean to hear it, but he also couldn’t help but listen when he’d heard his name mentioned. To top it off, she’d made him a snow angel. It was a peace offering he knew, but how would he thank her for it without letting her know he’d overheard her and seen her in his yard? Then it came to him; he knew just how to break through to her, and hopefully win back her heart in the process.
****
Priscilla entered her onkel’s small haus that she shared with her mamm. It was the same haus they’d spent every summer when she was growing up, but now they had come to live in it permanently. Though her daed and bruder were no longer here with them, there were many memories in this small haus. Memories of familye picnics and community barn-raisings and work-frolics. Her daed and older bruder had been like heroes to her. She had always admired their hard work, but more than that, the safety she’d felt when they were around. Laughter no longer filled this small haus, and Priscilla had never felt more vulnerable.
Her mamm sat at the small table in the kitchen when she entered the room. The woman didn’t look up from her sewing; she didn’t even hesitate a single stitch. Priscilla sat down across from her and picked up one of the dolls they made for one of the local stores and began to stitch the hem of her apron. The income from the doll sales, coupled with the knitted items they made, brought in enough revenue to keep food on their table without having to depend too much on their familye. Still, Priscilla admittedly didn’t enjoy the hard work it took to keep them afloat.
“The Christmas Skate for the youth is on Saturday,” she said to her mamm.
Priscilla knew her mamm heard every word she said to her, but she never said much if anything at all. They used to talk and laugh; they cooked together while her mamm would tell her funny stories from her childhood. But now, they barely spoke, and it hurt Priscilla more than she dared admit.
“I won’t be out late. I’ll probably go with mei cousins.”
No response.
“Everyone has to bring a lantern so we can see to skate. I can take the extra one from the barn if that’s alright.”
Still nothing.
Priscilla finished the apron hem and picked up a pair of shears to cut the black fabric for the doll bonnet. The swish of the scissors echoed in the quiet room and Priscilla wondered if her mamm had gone mad. She couldn’t take the silence between them any longer. She hadn’t only lost her daed and bruder the day of the accident, she’d lost her mamm too.
Slamming down the scissors on the table, Priscilla stood abruptly, her chair falling on its side with a loud crash. Her mamm looked up from her task, shock on her face.
“It’s about time I get a reaction out of you!”
Chapter Seven
“Is something wrong
, Prissy?”
Priscilla knew she had to calm down before she said something hurtful to her mamm. She’d been saying a lot of hurtful things to people lately, and she didn’t want to add her mamm to the long list of people she needed to apologize to. She’d been taught to respect her elders, and she wouldn’t sway from that upbringing now, no matter how upset she was.
“I miss the way we used to talk when we worked. I miss the sound of familye.”
Her mamm looked up from the sewing in her hands, suddenly realizing she hadn’t spoken more than a handful of words to her dochder in months—not since the accident.
“I miss it too, Prissy.”
Priscilla reached across the table and pulled her mamm’s hands into hers. “I know things are not the same as they were before, but we are still a familye. I may be grown up, but I’ll always be your dochder.”
Tears formed in her mamm’s tired eyes. Prissy recognized the despair she saw in her mamm’s expression; it was the same deep sorrow she saw in her own reflection every day.
“I don’t know how to fix this,” her mamm whispered.
Priscilla’s heart clenched. “I don’t need you to fix it, but I do need you to help me put this behind us. We can’t change the past, but we can change how we spend the rest of our days on this earth. I don’t want to mourn for the rest of my life; I want to be happy again. They wouldn’t want us to live out our days with a cloud of doom in our hearts; they would want us to live on and be happy again.”
Tears pooled in her mamm’s eyes, threatening to spill out. Neither of them moved more than a shallow breath for several minutes. Priscilla felt the shifting of Gott’s warmth pass between them just as surely as she felt the melancholy lift from her heart. Hope rekindled in her heart, rejuvenating her spirit. For the first time in nearly a year, Priscilla felt normal. The dark cloud of mourning no longer hovered over her thoughts, and though she would always miss her daed and bruder, she knew she would be with them again in Heaven someday.
Amish White Christmas: Three Complete Novellas (Snowflakes on Goose Pond, Snow Angels, The Gingerbread Haus {Amish Christian Romance}) Page 5
