Rose: You okay? Been worried about you.
I exhaled slowly. Rose was good. Rose I could handle.
Claire: Thanks. I feel like crap. How’s Lindsey? Should I call her yet?
Rose: She’s hurt and mad. I’d wait another day or so.
Claire: Ok. Sorry I screwed everything up so much.
Rose: It’ll be ok. Need me to come over?
Did I? I didn’t really feel like talking, but Rose was pretty good at not pushing stuff.
Claire: If you want. I’m watching Jack
Rose: Yay! I’ll get to squeeze him. :D
Claire: Come whenever.
Rose: Ok. See you in 15.
I hoped I hadn’t just made a mistake. Because I was pretty lousy company right now. Jack swung his leg at the soccer ball, missing it entirely. I shoved my phone into my pocket and headed over to play with him. As good a way to distract myself as any.
***
An hour later, I drank iced tea on the patio, watching Rose make goo-goo faces at Jack in her lap while he laughed. It had been genius for her to come over. Now I wouldn’t infect Jack with my mood. And that helped me feel a little lighter. Just a little.
Jack tossed back the last swallow of juice from his sippy cup, then banged it down on the wrought iron table. Rose laughed. “Are you done, young man?”
“Down, down,” Jack said, twisting around.
Rose helped him slide off her lap. He took off into the yard, stopping at his toy lawn mower, which he pushed across the grass. Fake engine noises buzzed from the mower. “Too bad that thing doesn’t really work,” she said.
“I know. Though the patterns in the grass would make for a weird-looking yard.”
Rose sipped her tea. “You want to tell me what happened with Gray?”
“Whoa, that came out of nowhere.”
“Not nowhere. Admit it. You’ve been waiting for me to ask ever since I got here.” She stood. “I’ll give you another couple of seconds. We forgot his hat.” She snatched up Jack’s hat, then jogged over and settled it on his curls.
Jack ignored her. I wished I could. But, at the same time, I wanted to tell her everything. Just thinking about it made my eyes burn. Rose strolled across the yard toward me. I wiped away tears. I didn’t want to cry anymore. In fact, I was surprised I had any tears left.
Rose sat. I expected her to prompt me again, but she didn’t say anything. Rose was good at being quiet. Annoying, but effective.
“I don’t know where to start,” I said.
She kept her gaze on Jack. “When did you realize you liked Gray?”
Forty-Seven
Claire
I traced a star pattern in the condensation on my cup. Quit stalling, Claire. Just tell her.
“A week or so ago. We’d already started the plan to get him more comfortable around Lindsey. Which killed me, but there was nothing I could do about it. I was already committed. I kept telling myself it didn’t matter because of my no-dating vow, but the crush just got worse and worse.”
Jack abandoned the toy lawn mower. He toddled over to the towel I’d laid out with a few toys in a shady part of the yard.
“Tell me about Monday,” Rose said.
So I did. The story went faster than I thought it would. Why can things that feel like they’re ripping your life apart be talked about in under five minutes? It should’ve taken days to get through it all. The pain, the hurt, the humiliation. The laughter, the flirting, the kissing. And once again, the pain.
Rose frowned. “I had no idea you and Adam hated each other.”
Really? That was what she focused on after that whole story? I didn’t like Adam, but I didn’t think I hated him. He was more like an annoying fly or mosquito buzzing around where you didn’t want him. “I don’t really. I just want him gone.”
“Even if Lindsey doesn’t?”
My throat tried to close up. “I just want my friends back.”
Rose squeezed my arm. “We haven’t gone anywhere. We still love you. We just have to manage our time with boyfriends and our girls-only time better.”
“That’s the problem. I don’t think Lindsey cares about girls-only time anymore.”
“Yes, she does. She just hasn’t seen Adam in a week.” She paused for a long moment. “So how are you going to make up with her?”
Jack hung on to his toddler slide and yammered on in baby-speak. I stood, scraping the chair against the concrete. “I apologized last night.” I walked into the yard to help Jack. I knew I needed to do something special for Lindsey to forgive me. I just couldn’t think about it right then.
Rose followed me, but thankfully didn’t push the subject. She twisted her dark blond hair into a messy knot at the back of her head. “You know, Gray seems really romantic,” she said. “Who knew?”
A laugh squeaked out of my burning throat. Gray’s picnic in the park blasted its way into my thoughts. I shoved it away. “Yeah. Who knew?” I patted the top of the slide. “C’mon, buddy, climb up.” Jack started up the three steps to the top.
“You sure you don’t want to date him?” Rose asked.
“Of course I’m not sure!”
Jack pulled his little legs into a sitting position and lifted his arms. I took his hands and he slid down. “Yay!” he said, then went around to the back again.
“Yay,” I said, a little late, my thoughts still on Rose’s question.
Rose clapped for Jack. He grinned and started up the steps.
I lowered my voice. Not because anyone might hear, but because for some weird reason, it hurt to say it. “I do want to date him. I just … can’t.”
“Right.”
“What do you mean, ‘right’? You know I can’t.”
“It’s not that you can’t. It’s that you won’t. What if you changed your mind?”
“Just like that.”
“Yeah, just like that. Break your vow,” she said, an eager look on her face. “Gray’s so sweet. You should give him a chance. Besides, a vow based on something that’s not true any—”
“Rose, we’ve been over this and ov—”
“Yay!” Jack said.
“Yay,” I repeated, not really paying attention.
“I know we’ve talked about it,” Rose said, “but you made that vow when you were younger and too afraid to tell to your parents you were afraid they’d divorce. I think you’re old enough now to handle it.”
Oh, goody, another person who wanted me to talk to my parents. I shook my head. “Get real. Would you talk to your parents about their relationship?”
Jack tossed his hat onto the grass and Rose picked it up. “So you’re not gonna do it. You’re gonna chicken out.”
I knew she only said that to get a reaction from me, and I was way too tired of drama to get into a fight with Rose. So I kept it simple. “Maybe. Maybe not.”
“Geez, Claire. Not talking to them sounds like something I would do. You’ve never been afraid to tell people stuff.” She put the hat on Jack, but he ripped it off and slid down the slide.
“Yay!” Jack said.
“Yay!” Rose and I echoed.
Jack ran to the back of the slide and climbed the steps, his face glowing. It looked like somebody was shining a spotlight on him. He laughed. “Me, me!” he yelled, then went down the slide. With nobody helping him. He’d probably been doing it the whole time I was standing there talking to Rose and I just hadn’t realized it.
“Did you see that?” I asked.
“What?” Rose wheeled around, searching for what I meant.
I swooped Jack up and planted a kiss on his cheek. “Good job, buddy!”
He wriggled to get loose, so I set him down. He ran back to the slide.
“What is it?” Rose asked.
“He went down the slide all by himself!” I leaned close to her ear. “He’s not afraid anymore.”
“Cool.” We watched Jack slide, race around, and climb again, cheering him on. “That’s what you need to do,” Rose said.
I was completely lost. “Go down a slide?”
“Ha, ha. No. Tell yourself you’re not afraid anymore.”
I rubbed at the headache forming right between my eyebrows. “Can we just drop the subject, please?”
“No. You’re always telling people to be direct, to talk to people they have problems with or whatever. It’s time for you to practice what you preach.”
I didn’t want to go there. “Maybe it’s time to preach something new—like the benefits of avoidance.”
“Deep down, you know I’m right.”
Maybe, but I had no plans to think about anything that was deep down. That’s where the pain lived.
Forty-Eight
Gray
Berger followed me upstairs. “Thanks for coming over, man,” I said.
“As long as you know it’s under heavy duress.”
“I do.”
“And video games are okay?”
“Yeah, but just those racing games for little kids.”
“Right. Grand Theft Auto. It’ll be a good education for them.”
I squinted at him over my shoulder. “I’m serious, Berger.”
“Chill out. Neither of us even play that game anymore. Where’s your head?”
I continued up the stairs.
“Oh, right. Dealing with Yoda abandonment.”
My chest tightened, but I waited until we were in the hall to say anything. “Seriously?” I whispered.
He made a sad face. “Too soon?”
“Jackass.”
“You sure you want to do this? It’s freaking hot outside. You might get heatstroke. And I might accidentally kill them.”
I tried to laugh, but all that came out was a hissing sound. “They’ve been killed before. No worries.”
We stopped outside my brothers’ open bedroom door. They were playing Catan Junior. Quietly. Shock of all shocks. Berger’s face took on a serious expression. “What time does your dad get home again?” he said, still whispering.
“Around five thirty or so. Only an hour and a half. You can do this.”
“You owe me.”
“I know.”
He looked me in the eye steadily, like he was trying to communicate something. But he didn’t need to. I got it. He was my friend. And no matter how crazy he acted, I knew he cared. He nodded once, then tilted his head toward my brothers.
“Hey, guys,” I said.
The boys looked up. “Berger!” they yelled. They jumped up like they had springs attached to their feet and swarmed him.
“See you at work,” I said.
“If I’m alive,” he said over the noise.
My brothers tugged Berger into their room, both talking at sonic speed about different things. I jogged down the stairs and hurried toward the garage, grabbing an extra water bottle as I passed through the kitchen. I’d already taken the front wheel off my bike and the whole thing was stuffed into my car.
I was heading out to the lake trails. Somewhere different. Somewhere I’d never gone with Claire. Cycling was the only way I’d been able to function the last couple of days. Working my muscles into a hard burn, grinding, sweating, cleared my mind of everything else.
And an empty mind was worth every drop of sweat.
Forty-Nine
Claire
After an unexpected three-hour nap that afternoon, I trudged downstairs to see what was for dinner. It didn’t hit me how quiet the house was until I’d walked into the empty kitchen. No sound except the humming of the refrigerator.
I sank onto a chair at the table, then picked up a piece of flowered notepaper lying beside a pile of mail.
Claire,
Dad and I decided to get a bite to eat before going to walk the lake trails. Thought about waking you, but seemed like you needed the sleep. There’s lasagna in the fridge. Will be home around 7 or 7:30.
Love,
Mom
Hmm. Guess she wanted to celebrate after finding Jack a space in one of her top daycare choices.
My parents being gone was one of those good news/bad news scenarios. Good that I didn’t have to talk to anyone for a couple of hours. Bad that I didn’t have anyone to distract me from my thoughts.
Which kept centering on Gray. What he was doing, if he was hurting, if he was angry. And guilt over breaking up with him. Always guilt.
It was simple. I missed him. I’d ended it yesterday morning, but it felt like weeks since I’d talked to him. Not even a text. Which was a stupid expectation given what had happened between us.
Ugh. I wanted to shake myself. Instead, I dragged myself to the fridge to get the lasagna. Once it was ready, I rifled through the mail to see if there was something worth reading. But the sight of my mom’s new gardening magazine slapped me in the face. A blooming lavender hibiscus bush decorated someone’s yard. Exactly like the one I’d hidden behind on the side of Lindsey’s house.
The lasagna suddenly tasted gummy. I set down my fork. I’d been so stupid to beg Gray to make a grand gesture toward Lindsey. If I hadn’t done that, Gray probably wouldn’t have told me he liked me and I wouldn’t have had to hurt him. Lindsey and Adam would have continued on as ridiculously as ever and she wouldn’t be mad at me.
Or not.
Gray might’ve found another way to tell me. I might’ve found another stupid way to get rid of Adam. And Lindsey would still be mad.
I was just trying to keep my friends, but all I’d done was push everybody away.
I forced myself to eat two more bites of lasagna, then set it aside. I stared at the gardening magazine. Gray had been so incredibly cute that night. Doing what I wanted even though he didn’t want to. Surprising me by making it about me. Following me home just to clear things up. And those kisses. My heart rate sped up just thinking about them.
I was an idiot.
I stood. Paced around the kitchen.
I’d dumped a guy who was in love with me all because my parents might separate. Irony, thy name is Claire.
I had to do something about this mess. I was tired of sitting around doing nothing. Feeling sorry for yourself, Rose would probably say. Which was true. But now I felt ready to do something. I just didn’t know what.
I guess it all came down to what I wanted.
A picture of Gray letting Jack crawl all over him flashed into my mind. He was so incredibly sweet. And I so wanted to be with him.
I also wanted Lindsey to not be mad anymore. But more than that, I wanted to be free of worrying that one of my parents might leave. I was sick of it.
I sucked in a huge breath. I wanted to break my no-dating vow. No. I needed to break it.
I hurried down the hall to the sunroom. My favorite place just felt right. I plopped onto the couch, then jumped back up again. I paced across the tiles, trying to banish the memory of the empty look I’d seen on my mom’s face those times when Dad was supposedly traveling for business. Come on, Claire, you can do this.
I took off my necklace and cupped its green jewel, warm from my skin, in both hands. It didn’t have anything to do with my no-dating vow, but it did represent another one. A vow that hadn’t really worked. Expecting my friends to always put girls first had probably been too much to ask. It was all about give and take, planning, talking to each other. That was how we could keep our friendship strong. And we didn’t need a vow to do that.
Right. Moving on. I checked the hall to make sure no one was watching because I had to say this out loud.
The hall stood empty, of course. I cleared my throat. “I, Claire Gardner, do hereby break my vow to not date during high school. I release myself from words spoken in fear.”
Nothing happened. Lightning didn’t strike. A tree didn’t crumble to the ground outside. But I knew it was over. And a huge need to tell my parents filled me. Almost like the vow wouldn’t be gone completely unless they knew.
Six o’clock. I couldn’t sit still for another hour and a half, waiting for them to get home. I had to find them. Now. Maybe the
y’d already started their walk and I wouldn’t find them. But it didn’t matter. I needed to try.
My hands shook, so I pressed my necklace into the tiny pocket of my shorts. Then I raced upstairs, grabbed my purse, and headed for the car. Time to hit the lake trails.
***
By the time I got there it was almost six twenty. I had no clue when my parents had gone out for dinner or where, but I hoped I wouldn’t miss them by too much. I cruised by the park-like area where the trails began and turned into the full parking lot. Dang it. What was with everyone wanting to walk in the evening heat?
I spotted my dad’s dark-green SUV. Good. At least they were here. I trolled through the lot, hoping for someone’s reverse lights to come on, but of course they didn’t. Just as I’d given up and was about to look for street parking, I spotted my parents. They stood talking in the shade beside the tiny building that had restrooms and water.
Some car behind me honked. I swung the car into an empty handicapped space, then stared through the windshield at my parents. Or rather, their backs. They were looking down at something. Was that a park bench in front of them? Weird. Who stood around facing a park bench? And why weren’t they already on their walk?
I pressed my head against the steering wheel in between my hands, the AC blasting me in the face. I could do this. I had to do this. You’re in a handicapped spot. You really should move the car first. But if I did, my parents might be gone before I got back.
It should be easy, right? Just get out, walk over, and say, Hi, guys. The reason I don’t want to date is because y’all might argue and Dad will leave again. This time for good.
Simple, right? Not really. I wasn’t even sure I’d be able to get words past my lips.
Just go now.
Right. I turned off the car, got out, and headed over to them. I stopped about twenty feet away and grabbed the hem of my T-shirt in my fists. It really did look like there was someone squatting on the grass behind that park bench, but I couldn’t see through my parents’ bodies and the wooden bench slats. Nor could I catch what they were saying. I opened my mouth. Then shut it. What was I going to do, yell at them? Because that’s what I’d have to do for them to hear me clearly. I made myself step closer.
Life in the No-Dating Zone Page 21
