by Radclyffe
“I—” Syd took a deep breath, let it out slowly. Emmett hadn’t once crossed the boundary she’d set when she’d made intimacy off-limits. Emmett wouldn’t. Emmett had been nothing but respectful of her limits and, perhaps, if not forgiving, at least understanding. “Nothing. Wait. No, there is something. I just wanted to say thanks.”
“Okay.” Emmett regarded her steadily, clearly expecting something more.
Syd couldn’t blame her. There should be more, but she just couldn’t see her way clear to what that might be. Emmett had been the one to resurrect their past. She’d been the one to push Syd to confront what haunted her. Now the ghost was laid to rest, and Syd was still reeling from the change. So many things she’d worked hard to forget were at once raw and visible. Maybe a little less potent, but the memories still stung. The humiliation and self-recriminations still echoed in the recess of her mind, but faintly now, less sharply. She imagined a healing wound, slowly closing, new flesh filling the gaps. Would the scars be stronger for having shared the pain?
“I just wanted to say how much I appreciated…you.”
Emmett’s mouth quirked. “Thank you.”
“You’re not going to make this easy, are you?”
“I’m not trying to make it harder, but I’ve pretty much been clear, I think,” Emmett said, no anger in her voice. “I told you how I felt. I haven’t changed my mind. I’m not looking for a best friend, not with you. I’m not sure where that leaves us. I guess we’ll find out.”
Despite Emmett’s calm tone, Syd flinched and hoped Emmett didn’t notice. The rebuke was gentle but clear. And what could she expect, really. She’d drawn the line between them, after all. “Right. I understand.”
“Okay then.” Emmett turned to go. “I need to grab some films before the first case. I’ll talk to you later.”
“Right,” Syd repeated inanely. Emmett went on ahead and Syd followed, wondering why she felt so damn hollow inside when she’d gotten exactly what she wanted. She ought to feel better, and she probably would. One day. She’d at least confessed her past, even if she couldn’t make reparations. And she was glad Emmett knew.
And now she had a case to do, and even if her personal life was a mess, that came first. With relief, she hurried toward the OR. For a while, at least, she’d be able to avoid asking herself where her life was headed from here.
* * *
“Hey,” Zoey said, catching Emmett as she was heading upstairs from X-ray. “Anything good on your schedule?”
“Garrity is doing a partial liver resection for a subdiaphragmatic abscess that’s involving the right lobe.”
“Sweet,” Zoey said. “Are you going through the chest?”
“Gonna start there. How about you?”
“Fitzpatrick is closing an abdominal wall hernia on a preemie.”
“That ought to be a challenge.”
“Yeah.” Zoey frowned. “Dani’s being really decent. I’m taking that one, and she’s doing a couple of the smaller cases.”
Emmett whistled. “That is generous. Don’t know if I’d give that case away.”
Zoey grinned. “Must be my winning ways.”
“Oh, I’m sure.”
“Or maybe she just wants to make nice with the neighbors.”
The neighbors. Emmett instantly thought of Syd. Lying in bed and thinking about Syd so close she could be naked with her in five minutes was agony, considering Syd made it clear naked was off the table. Even the idea of sitting out back with a beer was sweet torture. If Syd was near, she’d want to touch her. Just like always. Silently, Emmett held the stairwell door open for Zoey.
“By the way,” Zoey said as she passed, “how is your relationship going with the neighbor?”
Emmett’s shoulders tightened. “Just fine.”
“Seems a bit chilly from what I can see.”
“It’s fine,” Emmett said, hoping that would put things to rest. She should have known better though.
Zoey leaned against the wall, half blocking Emmett’s access to the rest of the stairs.
“Hey,” Emmett said. “I gotta get upstairs to start my case.”
“I know what time it is. They won’t even have the patient over from the ICU yet.” Zoey aimed a finger at the center of Emmett’s chest. “And you are avoiding talking about Syd.”
“Nothing to avoid,” Emmett said.
“Really? So what was the heavy discussion about, then?”
Emmett shook her head. “Just clearing up some miscommunication.”
Zoey tilted her head back and laughed. “You are so full of crap. Ever since then, both of you look like someone killed your dog.”
“It’s complicated.” Emmett leaned against the wall next to Zoey and stared up the barren stairwell. Zoey wasn’t going to let it go, and it wasn’t as if she hadn’t already told Zoey most of it. “I’m in over my head, and Syd’s not in the same place.”
“As in you’re totally hooked, and she’s looking for something less?”
“She’s not looking for anything at all.”
“So maybe it’s time for you to move on.”
“I can’t,” Emmett whispered.
“You’re really serious, aren’t you,” Zoey said, a strange and rare gentleness in her tone.
“I wish I wasn’t sometimes, but yeah. I have been, probably always.”
“I’m glad I never fell for you.” Zoey snorted. “I would’ve hated to spend years as the other woman.”
Emmett stared. “You know it was never like that.”
“I know, and I was serious when I said I was okay with the way things were. But I hate that you’re not okay.”
“Thanks.”
“Any chance things will change?”
Emmett let out a long breath. “That’s the hell of it. I have no idea, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it.”
“Bullshit,” Zoey said. “There’s always something you can do.”
“Not this time.”
“Well, there won’t be if you quit. And you don’t.” Zoey thumped her on the shoulder. “So come on, let’s go be superstars upstairs.”
“Yeah,” Emmett said, wishing she had as much confidence as Zoey. “Let’s do that.”
* * *
Syd finished writing post-op notes on the neuro patient and walked down the hall to Quinn Maguire’s office. Quinn’s secretary was on the phone and Syd waited outside the cubicle for her to finish.
Quinn’s office door was open, and she called, “Hey, Stevens. Need something?”
“Um…” Syd glanced at the secretary, who was typing and talking at the same time, and then stepped up to Quinn’s door. “I was going to make an appointment.”
“I got a minute,” Quinn said. “If this is a good time for you.”
Syd slid her hands into her lab coat pockets and took a second to make sure she knew what she wanted to say. The decision had been there all along, and she just hadn’t been able to see it. Sometimes the right thing disappeared in the tunnel of plans and expectations, but she knew now. Not just what she should do, but for the first time in a very long time, what she wanted to do.
“Okay, yes. Now would be great.” She walked in and firmly closed the door behind her.
Chapter Twenty-six
Emmett tossed her OR cap into the trash and walked beside Hank as he guided the stretcher toward the TICU. She’d been hoping the case would take another hour or two so she’d have a legitimate reason to skip the residents’ reception downtown. She was much more the backyard barbecue with a little volleyball and cold beer type than a canapés and stand-around-talking type. Unfortunately, Quinn was her attending, and she’d know the case was finished. When Quinn staffed a case, she never left the building until the patient was out of the OR, even if she didn’t scrub in. Emmett considered using the excuse of being on call, but Quinn had arranged for attendings to cover the floors and trauma admitting until nine, so she’d probably be missed if she didn’t show. She pretty much had to go.
At least she’d see Syd, who hadn’t been around all day.
Pretending to be cool with the new no-touch, no personal-stuff rules Syd had imposed was a chore, but seeing her was better than wondering where she was. And sooner or later, Syd was going to let down her guard. She had to. Emmett couldn’t believe she was the only one who felt the electricity between them. She kept telling herself that, and maybe one day soon she’d believe it. Or one day not-so-soon she’d be ready to move on. That idea was harder to accept than the waiting, but she just might have to. Going to bed alone and waking up wanting was readily fixable, if she decided to go back to her old remedy for loneliness. She just wasn’t sure she could when Syd was a flesh-and-blood woman she saw every day and not just a memory.
“You going to the thing?” Hank asked.
“Yeah. Stay with the patient until they get him settled,” Emmett said.
“Sure,” Hank said. “You want the usual post-op labs?”
“Already ordered them,” Emmett said. “But make sure you check them and call me if anything changes.”
“Got it. Have a good time,” Hank said with a little smirk.
“Hey,” Emmett said, “you’ll get yours in a few weeks.”
“At least mine will be at Quinn’s, right? And I can wear shorts and have a brew and a burger.” Hank grinned.
“Just remember you’ll be official then. Don’t embarrass me.”
Hank saluted. “Yes, Captain.”
Emmett laughed. Nothing could deflate his good mood, at least for the next couple of weeks. Once his internship started, he wouldn’t think everything was so fabulous. But she figured he deserved to enjoy it while he could. He’d worked hard, and he’d be working a whole lot harder soon. “I’ll be back as soon as I can get out of this thing. You can go home as soon as you round on everybody.”
“I’ll hang around till you get back.”
Emmett shook her head. “Get out of here while you still can. You won’t be able to much longer.”
“Good luck tonight,” Hank said with unusual seriousness.
“Thanks,” Emmett said quietly. They never talked about their personal lives, but she thought Hank knew he could if he needed to. He would have to be comatose not to know something was going on between her and Syd. “Appreciate it.”
Hank shrugged, a little embarrassed, and disappeared around the corner pushing the stretcher. Emmett had just enough time to get changed and look around for someone who could give her a ride downtown. Hopefully she wasn’t the last one here.
She’d just finished changing into loafers, dark pants, and a pale blue striped shirt when her trauma beeper went off. So much for the attendings covering. She should’ve known they couldn’t manage without residents, even for a few hours. When she checked the number, she frowned. Quinn’s office. Weird.
“McCabe,” she said when Quinn answered herself.
“You need a ride down? Everybody else has left.”
Emmett laughed. She wasn’t surprised Quinn knew she was still there. Quinn knew where everyone was, all the time, it seemed. “I do. My backup plan was calling an Uber.”
“I’m leaving in a few minutes, but I want to talk to you first. Can you drop by the office?”
“Sure. Be right over.” Emmett stuffed her wallet into her back pocket, slid her phone into her front pocket, and clipped the trauma beeper to her pants—because hey, she didn’t trust the attendings to survive without her—and headed toward Maguire’s office.
Quinn’s secretary was gone. Emmett paused in the open doorway to Quinn’s office. Quinn was in street clothes similar to Emmett’s. “You wanted to see me, Chief?”
“Yes, come on in and close the door.” Quinn tapped a few keys on her laptop and pushed it aside. “Patient okay?”
“Yes. His gallbladder was hot but the common duct was fine. Easy to see.” Emmett settled into the chair across from Quinn’s desk, more curious than anything else. She’d been in Quinn’s office plenty of times over the last four years, mostly discussing resident scheduling and, on rare occasions, problems. She wasn’t worried.
“Pancreas involved?” Quinn asked.
“Nope, but I left a drain in just in case.”
“Good.” Quinn leaned back in her leather swivel chair. “We’ve only got two weeks before the new interns arrive, and I want the waters to be calm before they get here. The Franklins have settled in well for the most part, but we need to finalize next year’s rotations and announce the status of the fifth years well before the new guys arrive.”
Emmett’s pulse kicked up. She had been expecting this, just not tonight. Although she should have known it was coming soon. Chief resident and fifth year assignments were usually announced by now. Everything going on personally with Syd had pushed what should have been the most important news of her life into the background.
“I agree,” Emmett said, concentrating on the now, “especially since we have so many fifth years to fit into rotations.”
“I’m going to make the announcement tonight,” Quinn said, “since everyone will be there. But I wanted to give you a heads-up before I did.”
Emmett’s stomach clenched. Maybe she should’ve been more worried. This didn’t sound like good news. And why wasn’t Syd here? They’d be splitting the year somehow, right?
“You’ve earned it, and it’s yours,” Quinn said, fast and simple.
Emmett felt weirdly numb. Two months ago, if she’d heard these words, she wouldn’t have been surprised. But everything was different now. Not just in terms of her residency, but her whole life, it seemed. She hadn’t realized how different until just this moment. She swallowed. “What about Syd?”
Quinn studied her, and the longer the silence went on, the faster Emmett’s heart beat. Why did everything suddenly seem like the world had tilted just a little bit?
“I can’t discuss other residents and their decisions,” Quinn said.
“What does that mean?” Emmett said quietly.
Quinn shook her head, the look in her eyes close to sympathy. “I’m sure Stevens will tell people what she wants them to know when she wants to.” Quinn paused. “But there’s no problem, just so you know.”
Emmett jerked. “How can that be? Syd’s just about killed herself to get this far. You have no idea—”
“Whoa,” Quinn said, holding up a hand. “Before you get too worked up, ask Stevens when you see her. And we need to get going. I promised Honor I wouldn’t be late.”
Emmett bit back her protest. The discussion was over. Quinn had said all she was going to say, but Syd would tell her what was happening. Wouldn’t she?
* * *
Rush-hour traffic along River Drive prolonged the normally twenty-minute ride to the College of Physicians in Center City to the point Emmett’s skin started to itch with impatience. Her head spun with a jumble of questions, and she vacillated between anger and confusion. What the fuck had Syd said to Quinn? What had she done? Was she leaving the program? Going to disappear again? The idea made her want to hurl.
“McCabe,” Quinn said quietly.
Emmett jumped. “Yes?”
“You need to relax. There’s not a problem.”
“Yeah, I think there is.”
“Stevens is fine.”
“Right.”
Quinn glanced over at her. “Are you?”
“Of course.” Emmett stared straight ahead. The churning in her middle got worse. “Maybe not so much.”
“Like that, is it?”
“Yeah.”
“Talking’s a good place to start,” Quinn said. “It usually helps to know what you’re dealing with before you conjure up disaster scenarios.”
“Been trying that.”
“Patience works too.”
“I pretty much suck at that,” Emmett said.
“Most surgeons do.” Quinn laughed quietly. “Waiting for someone to say the words you need to hear is a lot like trying to breathe underwater. Believe me, I know. I’ve been where you ar
e.”
Emmett cut her a look. “Really?”
“Really. And it was worth every second it took to get there.” She looked at Emmett for a moment before turning back to the traffic. “When it’s right, it always is.”
“Okay.” Emmett didn’t say she’d already been waiting for years. She could wait—no. No, she couldn’t. She’d already done that. And whatever crazy decision Syd had made, she wasn’t going to let her get away again.
“Go ahead inside,” Quinn said, pulling up in front of the impressive two-hundred-year-old stone edifice behind the wrought-iron fence. “I’ll look for a parking place. If Honor asks, tell her I’ll be there soon.”
“Thanks,” Emmett said, jumping out. Once inside, she scanned the crowd for Syd. Everyone had heeded the unspoken edict that all the residents attend, and quite a few of the surgery attendings who hadn’t been tapped to cover emergencies were present too. She finally found Syd, standing with Sadie, Dani, Jerry, Morty, and Zoey. Their whole house-plus was there, except Hank and her. Syd looked across the crowd and saw her. That was all it took for Emmett to be sure. She was done waiting.
Chapter Twenty-seven
Syd listened with half an ear to the chatter of her friends while tracking Emmett’s path across the room toward her. The set expression on Emmett’s face made it pretty clear she was on a mission, and Syd suspected she knew why. Quinn wouldn’t have told her any details, Syd was sure of that, but nothing stayed private very long at the hospital. Their lives and careers were too intertwined for anyone’s decision not to affect others. She hadn’t expected word to come out quite so soon, not until everything was official, but she ought to know by now her plans did not always go as she thought. Emmett knew something and she wasn’t happy.
“Syd,” Emmett said the instant she was close enough to speak without being overheard, “what the fuck did you—”
“Attention, everyone,” Quinn said. Despite the fact she hadn’t raised her voice, the entire room instantly quieted, and every face turned in her direction.
