A Secret Wish

by Barbara Freethy

  For several long minutes she stared at the painting … and then she reached for brushes and paint. She had no conscious thought of how she would finish the picture, but as soon as she began to paint, the figures took shape.

  An hour or so later, she heard another sound, and this time it was Colin in the doorway. She wondered how long he’d been there, because there was an odd look on his face. “You’re painting again,” he said.

  “I felt suddenly inspired.”

  He walked into the room and saw the children and families who now populated the painting. “You said you couldn’t give anyone a happy ending until you had one,” he said, reminding her of something she’d once said in a fit of anger and resentment.

  “It’s just a picture."

  “It's more than that. It's you. It's your vision. You’re so talented, Angela. Do you know how good this is?”

  Warmth spread through her at his compliment.

  “You’ve always been so much more than just a woman who couldn’t have a baby,” he added. “I wish you could see that the way I do.”

  “I think I’m starting to,” she said slowly, unwilling to completely let go of the desire to procreate that had held her in a tight grip for the last eight years. "I forgot how much I love to paint."

  “Keep going. Finish it,” he told her.

  “I will,” she promised.

  After he left, she painted with even more enthusiasm, picking up one discarded picture after another, adding new shades, mixing colors, taking chances. When she finally set down her brush, she was exhausted. She stepped back in wonder, amazed at what she’d done. None of the paintings had been completed as she’d originally intended. But they were good. Maybe even better than she’d imagined.

  * * *

  “It’s almost time for that sail,” Liz said sleepily, as she nestled against John’s broad shoulder. After making love twice, they’d fallen asleep on the narrow bench under the stars, a blanked wrapped around them like a cocoon.

  “I don’t think I can move,” he said, as he stroked her bare back with his hand.

  “That’s okay with me,” she replied, more than content to stay where they were.

  “No regrets?” he asked.

  She lifted her head and gave him a thoughtful look. In the dawn light, he looked endearingly handsome with his morning stubble. But there was something in his eyes that gave her pause. “No regrets for me. What about you?”

  He smiled. “Are you kidding? You were amazing.”

  “We were amazing,” she corrected. “I can’t quite believe how all this came to be, John. One minute I’m having a pathetic party of one on the roof of the hospital and the next minute I’m dancing, drinking, having the time of my life. It's crazy how fast life can change. Thank God you decided to get some air last night and come up to the roof. Otherwise, I never would have met you.”

  “Fate,” he said, his fingers gently pushing her hair off her face.

  “It feels like that,” she said, gazing into his eyes. “I have a feeling my thirties are going to be better than my twenties.”

  “I think you’re going to have a fantastic life, Liz.”

  His words didn’t make it sound like he was planning to be a part of her fantastic life. Well, what did she expect? He’d told her the night before that he couldn’t make any promises. She forced a smile to her lips, unwilling to let him see that she was already emotionally attached to him. “It is going to be great.”

  He nodded, but there was something unsettling in his somber gaze.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  “Not a thing.”

  She frowned. “I’m trying not to be a girl and ask a lot of questions, but your mood is worrying me.”

  “Don’t try to be anything but what you are, Liz. That’s more than good enough.” He paused. “I don’t think I’m going to be able to take that sail this morning.”

  “Why not?”

  “I have somewhere else I need to be.”

  “Since when?”

  “Since I realized that I need to keep an appointment I wasn’t sure about.”

  “That’s vague,” she said with a frown.

  He smiled. “I don’t want you to worry, Liz. Tonight meant a lot to me. Meeting you was – life-changing.”

  Her nerves tingled at the look in his eyes. “No one has ever said that about me.”

  “Well, it’s true. You’re different.”

  “Now, that I’ve heard.”

  “Different in a good way,” he said. “You’re smart, honest, completely without pretension. And you’ve survived a lot.”

  “I don’t want to just survive any more. I want to live the way you do, John. I want to make big goals and reach for the stars. I don’t want to settle for someone who isn’t right for me just so I won’t be alone. I don’t want to be content with a glass that’s only half full. I don’t want to spend so much time worrying about not having a boyfriend or being married or having children that I don’t enjoy the life I’m actually having.”

  He smiled. “You got all that from a night of champagne and dancing?”

  “I got all that from you. Your enthusiasm is contagious.”

  “So is your rediscovered fighting spirit. I’m impressed.”

  “Hopefully it will last.” She paused, noting the shadow in his gaze once again. “Do you want me to leave?”

  “No.”

  “Can you tell me what’s going on in your head?

  “That’s not a conversation for tonight.”

  “It’s pretty much morning.”

  “But not quite,” he said, pulling her down for a kiss.

  * * *

  Liz woke to the heat of the sun on her face. She blinked against the bright light, taking a minute to gather her wits about her. She was naked, and she was alone. Abruptly, she sat up. “John?”

  There was no answer.

  She wrapped the blanket around her and walked down the stairs. The galley and stateroom were empty, and so was the bathroom.

  Worry followed her back up the stairs. She grabbed her clothes and dressed quickly, wondering where John had gone. When she reached for her shoes, she saw the box on one of the bench seats. There was a cup of coffee and a bag of bagels and cream cheese inside.

  There was also a note.

  She sat down and opened the folded piece of paper, her hand shaking as her uneasiness increased. She wasn’t an expert at one-night stands, but she didn’t think that John taking off could possibly be a good sign, even if he had left her bagels and coffee. Something had been going on with him last night. Something not even his charming smile could completely hide.

  Liz,

  Sorry to take off without saying good-bye, but it’s easier this way. At least for me, and you might not know this about me, but I can be selfish. Last night I didn’t go up to the roof to get some air. I went up with one crazy thought – to throw myself off.

  She drew in a quick breath of shock, then forced herself to keep reading.

  You assumed I was there because my father died. But that wasn’t the only reason. My dad actually passed away six months ago, and I've been mourning him. But I was in the hospital yesterday for a pre-surgical appointment. Three weeks ago I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. The doctors said my only option was surgery. It’s risky, and there’s a good chance I won’t wake up, and even if I do, I might be irrevocably damaged. I realized that every dream I'd ever had was in jeopardy. I might never sail under the Golden Gate Bridge. I might never even walk or talk again. I might not be me. The idea of not being able to live life on my terms sent me up to that roof last night. And then I met you.

  At first, I was just postponing the inevitable. You wanted a crazy, wonderful night, and I wanted the same. I wanted to go out with a bang. I wanted to take the boat and sail into the horizon and maybe never come back. But somewhere in the night, I realized that I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to give up without a fight – the way your mom did. I hadn’t thought about
the people I’d be leaving behind. I don’t have much family, but I do have some friends, and they’d hate me for taking the easy way out. I know you think I changed you, but the truth is that you changed me.

  I was scheduled for surgery this morning. I decided to keep the appointment, to fight for my life.

  I don’t want you to worry about me, Liz. You’re the type of woman who would stick through thick or thin. My last girlfriend took off the day after I got the diagnosis. I didn’t really blame her. This is my problem, my challenge. I want you to go out and live your life the way you were meant to. And one of these days, I hope we’ll meet again. In the meantime, I want you to be happy.

  Tears streamed down her cheeks as she realized exactly what he was saying. How could he possibly have a brain tumor? He’d shown no signs of illness the night before. But she’d felt his desperation the last time they’d made love. It was as if he had been trying to make it the best it could ever be. Maybe because he’d thought it was truly the last time. Damn. She blinked away the tears so she could read the rest of his letter.

  P.S. I know you’re thinking right now that you need to find me and that you want to help me. Don’t come. Don’t waste your day. I want you to go to Faith’s Fancies. It’s a great little bakery in North Beach, and they’re going to have a special cake waiting for you. I want you to have it – to replace the one I made you drop. That’s what you can do for me.

  And stop crying, Liz. If I hadn’t met you, I would have missed out on one of the greatest nights of my life. I truly have no regrets.

  John

  She set down the letter, unable to stop crying as he’d requested. It amazed her that he knew her so well, anticipating every move she would want to make, because she really did want to find him. She wanted to be there for him. And she would.

  Jumping to her feet, she realized that the only reason he would have been on that roof was because his doctor was in the hospital. She’d find him. She had to do more for him than just eat a birthday cake.

  Chapter Ten

  Angela woke to the smell of bacon and the sound of laughter. Throwing on her bathrobe, she walked into the kitchen to find Colin making breakfast for Laurel and Kimmie. The girls were laughing, and Colin had a big grin on his face. The scene seemed so surreal, so close to so many of her dreams, that she had to blink her eyes a few times to make sure she wasn’t imagining it.

  “Colin is making animal pancakes,” Laurel said, catching her eye.

  “He made me a bear just like Mr. Bear,” Kimmie said with delight, her mouth half full of pancake.

  She moved around the island where Colin was getting ready to flip another batch of cakes. “Thank you for doing this.”

  “My way of saying I’m sorry for not being very supportive when you first brought the girls home last night. We’re a team. We’ve always been a team, and we stick together, no matter what.”

  “I like the sound of that.”

  He gave her a warm smile. “Now, what will you have? Bunnies or bears? I can’t make much else.”

  “I’ll take a bear,” she said, grabbing a plate.

  Over breakfast, the conversation was light and easy. Laurel and Kimmie obviously felt more comfortable now with Colin, and it was clear that Kimmie liked to talk. She related endless tales about school and friends and people in their building, and even a few revealing details about her mother. Laurel tried to shush her on occasion, but Kimmie would jump back in again five minutes later, making her big sister sigh.

  “It’s okay,” she told Laurel as Kimmie left the table to use the bathroom. “We want to help you.”

  “But you said you’re calling the police.”

  “First we’re going to talk to a friend of mine,” Colin interjected.

  She gave her husband a surprised look. “We are?”

  “Yes.” He paused. “Laurel, do you mind if I speak to Angela alone for a few minutes?”

  “I’ll check on Kimmie,” Laurel said, her eyes still worried, but there was a tiny bit of hope in her gaze as well.

  “I called Rebecca Hensley,” he said when they were alone.

  “Paul’s wife?” she asked, referring to Colin’s coworker.

  “Rebecca works for the Department of Children and Families. She said we might be able to apply for emergency foster parent status, which could still take some time, but she’s going to come over later this morning and talk to us.”

  “Are you serious?” she asked in astonishment. “You want to be a foster parent?”

  “Possibly. I think it’s an option we should explore.”

  “We never considered that.”

  “So we’ll do it now. Watching you with the girls reminded me of how great you are with kids, how lucky someone would be to have you as a mother.”

  Her eyes blurred with emotion. “That’s so sweet, Colin. But you’re talking about a huge commitment.”

  “Like I said, we’re a team. And I let you down when I quit. But I’m back in the game now.”

  She felt an overwhelming wave of relief. “I don’t know what to say, except I love you. And I’m glad you’re not giving up on me, on our dreams.”

  “Exactly, our dreams. For a while I forgot how much I wanted kids, too. But I do. I can’t waste my pancake making skills on just you.”

  She smiled through her happy tears. “You’re incredible, do you know that?”

  He smiled. “I try. But I have to warn you that this could get very messy. We don’t know about anything about Laurel and Kimmie’s mother. She could be a good person who needs a little help to get back on her feet and be a mother again.”

  “That would be the best scenario,” she said quickly. “That’s what I would want for them. They need their mother. You might find that difficult to believe, because I’ve been so crazy lately, but I’m not so far gone as to think I’d be a better substitute than someone’s biological mother.”

  “I don’t find it difficult to believe,” he interrupted. “I know what a big heart you have, Angie. But it’s also more than likely that their mother is in serious trouble. Why else would she have left her kids?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “We need to find out.” He paused. “We have a lot to offer a child – even if it’s not a baby or it’s not Laurel and Kimmie. There’s some child out there who needs us. The real question is can you look beyond having a baby yourself to adopting?”

  “I didn’t think I could – until I met them. All along I’ve been so focused on being pregnant that I forgot the most important part – the years that come after the baby is born. I want to be a mother. I want a house with children in it. I want kids around this table and bunny pancakes and mornings just like this.”

  "I want that, too. And we can cash in the cruise tickets and try IVF again."

  "You're amazing. But I have to tell you this, Colin. If at the end of all this, it’s just you and me, I’ll still be the luckiest woman on earth. And I'll have no regrets.”

  He smiled. “We’re not going to end up alone. We’re going to make it happen.” He took her hand and gave it a squeeze. “One way or another, we’re going to make a family.”

  * * *

  Carole walked into the big house she shared with Blake and her children, and the first thing she noticed was the silence. The large kitchen was empty, and no dishes sat in the sink. Obviously the kids were still at their friends’ houses – which left Blake. She wondered if he’d stayed at the hotel as they’d planned, if he’d come home… or if he’d spent the night with someone else. She’d certainly made it easy for him to do just that.

  She climbed the stairs and walked into the master bedroom suite. Blake was wearing charcoal gray slacks and buttoning up a dress shirt.

  He gave her a cool look. “Finally decided to come home?”

  “Yes.” She sat down on the edge of the bed. “Are you going to ask me where I’ve been?”

  “Do I want to know?” he countered, reaching for a tie.

  “I went t
o see my mother.”

  “Why?” he asked, as he slung the tie around his neck.

  He wasn’t even looking at her, but rather at his reflection in the mirror, and the familiarity of this moment struck her hard. She’d been staring at the back of his head for far too long.

  “I needed a reality check. Could you look at me, Blake?”

  “I’m in a hurry, Carole. We have lunch with the Dunsmuirs in less than an hour. Why don’t you get changed, and we’ll have this conversation later?”

  He still hadn’t looked at her. “I’m not going to lunch.”

  “Don’t be ridiculous. You always come with me. This is important. They have a lot of money to donate to my campaign.”

  “Michael has a football game today. Sophie is cheerleading. It’s homecoming. I want to go to the game.”

  Finally, he turned around, confusion in his eyes. “Are you serious? It’s a football game. And Michael rarely gets into the game; he’s only a sophomore.”

  “If he does, I want to be there. I invited my mother to come as well.”

  “Are you crazy?”

  “Actually, I’m feeling remarkably sane.”

  “Is this about Krystal?” he asked shortly. “I told you there’s nothing going on there.”

  She drew in a deep breath. “I’m not stupid, Blake. I don’t know if you’ve had an affair or if you're contemplating one, but you crossed the line last night.”

  “She was flirting with me; I flirted back. Big deal. Her father is going to donate a lot of money to my campaign.”

  “So you’re selling yourself to her?”

  “I’m not having an affair,” he said flatly. “Believe me or not, I don’t care.”

  “Why don’t you care?” she challenged. “Why doesn’t it matter how I feel – what I think?”

  He sighed in frustration. “Are you PMSing, Carole? Or are you just pissed that you’re forty?”

  “This is not about my hormones or my age – well, maybe a little about my age,” she amended. “Because I certainly don’t want to waste the next decade living the way I’ve been living.”