“I don’t know why he’d do that, but I’m more grateful than I can say. He managed to get my ex to drop the theft charges last night, and he thinks he can make the assault charges go away too, though that’s going to take a while.”
“That’s great, Ben. Is your ex going to give your dads tools back to you?” I ask.
He shakes his head, green eyes downcast, “No. She says she doesn’t have them anymore. I believe her. I just hope whoever has them appreciates them. I was going to ask who she gave them to, try to buy them back, but I can’t find a job. Having a felony makes it hard, even in construction. Not that I’m blaming anyone. I did it. It was my mistake, and it cost a woman her life,” he says, taking a bite of chicken.
“I’ll give you a job,” Jace says, and Ben coughs hard, struggling to swallow the chicken. He gets it down, then gulps his tea.
“I’m sorry, what?” he asks.
“I’ll give you a job, if you want one. I co-own a construction company. We’re shut down right now, but there are a few things I need done at my house, and I don’t have time to do them right now. You can do them, and if it works out, I’ll give you a full-time job on a crew when the shop opens in the spring.”
Ben’s face is frozen, and I wonder if he forgot how to speak. Of course, mine probably looks about the same. I had no idea Jace was going to offer him a job.
Ben swallows a couple of times, then clears his throat, “Morris. You own Morris Construction?”
Jace nods, “Co-own, but, yes.”
“I’ve applied there three times since I got out last year,” he says.
Jace nods. “My brother and I have a strict policy for felonies, but my girl here likes you, and you did your best to help her when I wasn’t there to take care of her. Worse, you got your ass kicked for it. The way I see it, I owe you a chance.”
Ben’s eyes well up, and so do mine. I refuse to think about him calling me his girl.
“I’ve never been happy about getting my ass kicked before, but I am now. I accept,” he says. He looks around the house, then clears his throat, “What does the house need? You’re not going to get rid of these floors, are you? They look original. I would do it if you wanted me to, but it would break my heart.”
“No, this isn’t my house. It’s my brother, Chance’s. I’ve been staying here with Bayleigh, while he, his girlfriend, and their son are away. The work I need done is at my house. If you have time, I can meet you there tomorrow and we can talk about it. Then you can start whenever you want.”
“That sounds great, just give me an address and a time. I’ll be there,” Ben says, taking another bite. He chews and swallows, then says, “Oh man. I don’t have any tools.” He looks totally dejected. “If you have some I can use, I’ll buy my own as soon as I can. I sold all of mine for my fines. They were all I had that was worth anything.”
“Of course, I have plenty at my house, but I already put something together for you,” Jace says. He reaches under the table, then sits the old toolbox he bought yesterday on the table. It makes a loud clunk, and Ben looks at it. His big hands shake, and tears slide down his cheeks as he reaches for it.
“Is this a joke? Am I on some hidden camera show? Oh my God. These are my dad’s tools.” His voice cracks, and he pulls it over to him. He wraps his arms around it, laying his head down on it. I rub his back while he hides his face, shoulders shaking, unable to stop my own tears.
“It’s not a joke, Ben. I owe you. They were your dad’s and now they’re yours.”
“But how did you—? I don’t understand. Thank you. Thank you. You don’t know what this means,” he says, opening the toolbox and running his big hands over the tools inside.
“I hunted them down after Bayleigh told me about them. I thought about how I would feel if my dad passed away and someone took something of his away from me. I found your ex, and I bought them.”
“How much? I’ll pay you back. Every cent.”
“I don’t want the money for them. Like I said, I owed you. Now it’s up to you to pull things back together for yourself.”
“I will. I will. Are you sure there aren’t cameras around here?” he asks, laughing.
“I’m sure. No cameras. You got your ass kicked for my girl. I owed you.” Jace says seriously. “I am curious though, what made you help her?”
Ben looks at me for a long moment, then to Jace, “I don’t know. I usually stay out of things. She reminds me of my little sister though, and I couldn’t help it.”
“You have a sister?” I ask.
“I used to. She died the day before her twenty-first birthday. Leukemia,” he says. He says it flat, as though he’s said it so many times he recites it so he doesn’t have to feel it.
“I’m sorry,” Jace and I say in unison.
“It’s okay, it was a long time ago. She was three years younger than me, and I’m thirty-two now. I had a lot of time to finish dealing with it in prison,” he laughs, the humor not reaching his green eyes. “She would have loved this. She always said that someday, someone was going to be as good to me as I was to her. Not to diminish what you’ve done, what you’re doing for me, but I’d like to think she has a hand in it.”
“Sounds good to me,” Jace says.
Ben leaves, professing his thanks all the way out the door, and Jace says he’ll text him the address and time in a little while. We clean up the dinner dishes, put the leftovers away for lunch tomorrow, and I sit at the dining room table while he sets the fire up for the night.
I wonder if he’ll ask me to go with him tomorrow. I decide not to ask if I can go. I know he doesn’t take women to his house, and I know he also said I’m not ‘women’, but I don’t want my first time seeing his house to be because he’s meeting someone there to work on it.
It’s clear that his home is the most personal thing about him, even Alex has only been there a few times, and he thinks of her as his sister. He’s protective of it, of his space there, wherever it is, and when I do get to see it, if I do, I want it to be because he wants me to, not because I asked.
I wonder if I will ever get to see it?
“What?” he asks, jolting me out of my thoughts, and I realize I was staring.
“Nothing,” I say.
He sighs, “I wish you would tell me. You keep so much to yourself. You can tell me anything, you know that, right?” he asks.
“I know. You want to know what I was thinking?” I ask. He nods emphatically. I can’t tell him exactly what I was thinking, so I tell him what I was thinking at dinner. “I was thinking, not for the first time, that I’ve never known anyone like you. I can’t believe you did all that for Ben, and I am so grateful I feel like my heart is going to burst. I know you said you did it because he helped me, but you did so much. You paid for his lawyer, gave him a job, and bought his father’s tools back for him. What you’ve done for him is priceless, Jace. I don’t know what to think. It’s incredible.”
He smiles, “You’re priceless. It’s only fair.”
“No, I’m not.” I laugh nervously. “Don’t get me wrong, I have a pretty hefty price tag if you add up all the medical bills you’ve paid, and everything else, but I am not priceless.”
“You are to me,” he says simply.
“You’re always saying things that make me feel shaky,” I laugh.
“I am? I make you feel shaky?” he asks, wiggling his eyebrows.
“Yeah. You do. Is that weird?” I ask, embarrassed that I even said it aloud, but seeing no way to back track now.
“Maybe… But I like it, so I guess I’m weird too,” he says, twisting his face into some strange zombie thing. I expect him to start drooling any second.
“You like it?” I ask, laughing at his ridiculous facial expressions.
“Oh, yes. Veeerrrryyyy much,” he says, zombie-walking towards me.
I squeal and run up the stairs, playing the game, and his laughter follows me all the way up.
CHAPTER 15
I’m lying
in bed, Jace wrapped around me, his breath soft against my neck, arm heavy across my ribcage, exactly the way I sleep best. I can’t sleep. I keep thinking about earlier, when he called me priceless and I told him he made me shaky. He turned it into a game, chasing me around like a zombie. It was funny, and I laughed more than I have in a while, but I can’t stop thinking about it. Did he do that because he thought I was uncomfortable with what I said, and he was taking my mind off it? Or because he was uncomfortable with what I said, and wanted me to forget about it?
I didn’t mean to say it, but I really wish I knew why he did that. Maybe it wasn’t anything like that. Maybe he just wanted to act like a zombie and listen to me squeal. That could be it. Right? I can’t help wondering why he doesn’t try anything. I mean, I appreciate that he doesn’t push, but then sometimes I wonder if he doesn’t because he’s not interested that way anymore? Maybe it wore off, maybe what I call comfortable, he calls boring. Maybe it’s my scars? He said they’re part of the reason he wanted to take care of me, that they made him hurt for me, but maybe he realizes now that they’re never going to go away? That I’m never going to look good in a bikini or lingerie.
How could he not be jealous of Ben? I’m not at all interested that way, but every man I’ve ever known would have been jealous of the big man. He’s gorgeous by anyone’s standards, tattoos and all.
I’m beginning to understand why men say women are complicated and fickle. Sigh.
“What’s wrong, Tiny?”
“Nothing, just can’t make my mind shut off,” I say.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asks.
“No, you should sleep, you have to meet Ben in the morning.”
“Is that why you can’t sleep? Because of Ben? I’m sure everything will work out. He seems like a nice guy.” I laugh, it just bursts out of me.
“What?” he asks.
“You’re not jealous at all, are you?” I ask. Dammit, Bayleigh, what the HELL?
He pulls his arm out from under my head, leaning up on his elbow and pulling me onto my back. “Should I be?” he asks, looking down at me.
“I don’t know. No.” I say, unable to find words.
“Are you interested in Ben?” he asks. His voice is so calm. This was a mistake, and I’m not going to like where it ends up. I know that now.
“No, not at all.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I think I would know if I was interested in Ben, Jace.”
He stares at me, head tilted, moonlight coming through the window lighting his thoughtful expression. “Okay. I agree, you should know if you’re interested in Ben. So, we’re both sure that you are not, in fact, interested in Ben. Right?”
“Yes,” I roll my eyes.
“Then, can I ask a question?” he asks.
“What?”
“If you’re sure that you’re not interested in Ben, which we’ve agreed that we are sure, why did you say, ‘I don’t know’, when I asked if I should be jealous?”
I stare at him. This is not happening. “Seriously, Jace?”
“Yes, seriously, Bayleigh. I don’t understand what’s going on, so I’m asking you to clarify. I don’t know how this relationship stuff works, really, but I do know that when my mom and dad had issues like this, they would talk about it. Okay, sometimes they would yell about it, but I’d like to avoid that if at all possible.”
“Jace. Are you joking?” I ask.
“No, Bayleigh, I’m not joking. I don’t understand, and if that means I’m dense or stupid or whatever, fine, but if you tell me why you’re upset I’ll be less dense next time.”
I sigh. I hate myself for it, but I can’t help it. I can’t even be annoyed with him. He’s not mad, he’s trying to fix it and he doesn’t even know what it is that’s broken. “I said, ‘I don’t know’ because I don’t know if you should be or not. Not because of my interest in Ben or lack thereof, but because you didn’t even consider that someone could be interested in me or vice versa. And there are only two reasons that happens. Number one, because you don’t think anyone would be interested in me. Or number two, you don’t care if I’m interested in someone else, because you’re not interested in me.”
The shock on his face is almost funny. “Bayleigh, where am I right now?”
“Right here.”
“Yes, I’m right here. But more importantly, ‘right here’ is next to you, in your bed. I sleep next to you every night and I wake up next to you every morning. If that’s what people do when they’re not interested, I have a really backwards view of life. Because where I come from, this is what you do when you are interested in someone.”
Okay. Now he’s mad.
“I’m doing everything I can to make sure you know that I’m here for you. That I’m not going anywhere. I don’t care how sick you are, how many panic attacks you have, how long you feel like your world is falling apart.”
He sits up against the headboard and I follow him up, exactly like I did the night I told him about every terrible thing that had ever happened to me. I want to take back every word I’ve said tonight, but it’s too late. Whatever happens, it’s my fault. I did this.
“I am committed to helping you put it all back together, Bayleigh. I’ll rebuild your world, one piece at a time, if I have to, to make you feel safe. I am waiting, and I will wait forever if that’s what it takes, but I am waiting for you to believe me. I am waiting for you to see that I’m not the man I was before. I’m waiting for you to see that I don’t feel sorry for you, and I don’t pity you. You are not an obligation or something that I have to take care of. This is where I want to be. I will wait forever, I will, but don’t accuse me of not caring, of not being interested. I couldn’t be more interested, Bayleigh.”
“Okay. I’m sorry,” I say. I feel hopeless. I don’t know how to explain what I’m feeling.
“No. It’s not okay, you’re not okay. Tell me what’s wrong. Tell me what I did, please.” His eyes are turquoise in the moonlight, the look of desperation and confusion something I can’t ignore.
“Why don’t you ever try anything?”
“What do you mean?”
“You don’t ever, you know, try anything.” I am such an idiot.
“I don’t — wait. You mean sex?” The shock on his face makes me want to dig a hole in the floor and bury myself in it.
“Never mind,” I say, standing up to walk away. I’m so ashamed, I don’t know where to go, but I have to go. Now.
He grabs my arm, pulling me back. I’m standing next to the bed, trying not to look at him. He’s up on his knees on the edge of the bed. “Bayleigh, don’t do that. Don’t walk away.”
“Why not? You went on and on about how much you like women, how much you love sex, how many you’ve been with” — I see him wince with every word, but I can’t stop — “and then you don’t even try to make a move. We had that one night and a few kisses that, okay yeah, they were amazing, but you haven’t tried anything else. I know you’re not going anywhere else, because you’re always with me, but I don’t understand. We didn’t even really have sex. Was I that disappointing? Are my scars that ugly? Why don’t you want me anymore?” The flood gates burst and my tears flow freely. I try again to walk away, but he’s got me now. I’m not going anywhere.
“Bayleigh, what the hell? How long have you been thinking this way?”
“I don’t know” —he tilts his head— “no, I really don’t know. I’ve thought it a few times, but then tonight it wouldn’t stop. It wouldn’t go away. And you promised you wouldn’t stay just because you said you would.”
“I’m not. I wouldn’t do that, to either one of us. You said you can’t have sex, you had surgery, and you can’t. Why the hell would I push you, at all – ever, but why would I push you when you can’t even do it? I’ve been around, I’ve fucked more women than I could count, you’re right about that. I’ve never denied it or tried to hide it. But, Jesus, Bayleigh — I’m not a monster. I’m not a sex-
addict or something. I can stop doing it. You can’t do it, and I don’t want to with anyone but you. So, I don’t push you, because I don’t want to be an asshole.”
I never told him any of what the doctor said. He doesn’t know that I was cleared, because if I told him, I’d have to tell him the rest. Now it’s too late and I can’t tell him. I was upset because of a situation I created. I don’t know what to say, but it doesn’t matter. He’s looking at me like he doesn’t know me at all. “Okay.” Please stop looking at me like that.
“No, Bayleigh, it’s not okay. You really think that I’m not interested? That I think your scars are ugly? I told you what I think about your scars. I don’t just make shit up for my entertainment. Your scars are a part of you, and they’re beautiful, just like you are” — he shoves his free hand through his hair — “What do you want me to do? What can I do? I’m not jealous, because you haven’t given me a reason to be. I didn’t think you were interested in Ben. I never even considered it until you said that. If that makes me an arrogant asshole, I’m sorry, but I’ve been pretty happy in my own little world. I didn’t know that meant I wasn’t being attentive or whatever.”
“It doesn’t. I’m being ridiculous. I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry, Jace. I’m really sorry.”
Nothing moves. I’m waiting. Just waiting. For him to tell me it’s too much, I’m crazy, he can’t deal with this. I know what happens next, I’ve been here before. This is the part where he tells me I’m a crazy bitch, then gets up and walks away. And, yeah, he’ll probably come back tomorrow, but it will never be the same again.
“Come on, lay down, Sweetheart. I’m sorry I yelled, and I’m sorry you thought I didn’t care.”—he pulls me back down, laying down next to me and covering me up— “There’s nothing in this world I care about more.” He kisses me gently, barely a whisper of his lips on mine. “Every ‘relation’ I’ve ever had with a woman has revolved around sex. I like that this is more. I love that I know your favorite foods, movies, and songs. I know how to make you laugh, even when you’re falling apart, I can always make you laugh. I love falling asleep listening to you breathe. I love that when you’re really out, you snore, just a little. It’s adorable. I love that you don’t give up. So, please, just try to remember all that, and get some sleep. I’m not going anywhere, and I will always want you, Bayleigh.”
Faith (Stregth Series Book 2) Page 16
