“No one can know that, Jace.” I say, rolling over to face him.
He lays down on his back, pulling me down onto his chest. “I do.”
“I don’t. I’m scared all the time.” I say. It’s the truest thing I’ve ever said, and I don’t just mean about this.
He wraps his arm around me, “You don’t have to, I know it enough for the both of us.”
CHAPTER 16
I wake up sweating. The light streaming through the windows is brighter than I’m used to. Usually it’s overcast and it snows almost every day. I roll over, kicking the blankets away, and look at the clock, ten-thirty-three. Wow. I really slept in. I wonder if Jace is home yet, so I get up and look out the window. The snow is melting! Dripping everywhere. His truck isn’t here, so I get in the shower, excited that it’s a least over thirty-two degrees.
Out of the shower, I go downstairs to make coffee, but it’s already made, my cup on the counter with a spoon, waiting for me to fill it. Next to it is a note, and I make my coffee while I read it.
Good Morning, Beautiful!
It’s going to be warm today,
so I left a surprise for you in
the living room.
I’ll be home as soon as I can,
J
I can’t help but smile. I force myself to take my time getting to the living room. I want to run like a little kid on Christmas morning. On the coffee table is a plain brown box, and a vase of lilies. Beautiful white and pink lilies. My eyes tear up as I smell them.
Last night I accused him of not caring about me, for no other reason than that he wasn’t jealous over me. I acted like an insecure fool, and he answered everything, he didn’t leave, and today he’s leaving me gifts. Lilies. I’ve always wanted someone to buy me lilies, for my birthday or something, and he got them for me just because. In the middle of winter.
When I open the box, there’s an mp3 player inside with matching earbuds. It’s small and turquoise colored, just like the vase. He even knows my favorite color. There’s a post-it note stuck to the bottom telling me to go on the porch.
I’m still holding the mp3 in my hand when I open the front door, not even stopping to grab a coat. When I step outside, it’s so warm. It must be almost sixty degrees. In the scheme of things, that’s not especially warm, but after weeks of below zero temperatures almost every day, it feels a little bit like a miracle.
When I turn the corner to the lake side of the porch, there’s a chair, and matching foot stool, complete with the comfy cushions that were put away in the fall. There’s a small table to sit my coffee on, and the message is clear. Enjoy the weather until I get home.
I go back in to get my coffee and a sweatshirt, then go back out and sit down, putting my feet up. The gentle, warm, breeze and the ice covering the lake make a mental contrast that is breathtaking. I sit my coffee on the table and turn on the mp3 player, putting the matching earbuds in my ears. The first song is one of my favorite Matchbox Twenty songs so I relax, listening and enjoying the sunlight.
Every song that comes on is another that I love. I don’t know how he did it, but all my favorites are here, from Florence + The Machine, to Limp Bizkit. I have extremely diverse taste in music, and I’m curious if he does too and has just gotten lucky, or if he’s somehow figured it out. Alex could have told him some of them, but even she wouldn’t know all of these. The only one I know he knows about is Florence + The Machine and I think he has every song they’ve ever done preloaded on here.
I go in to get more coffee, putting the mp3 in my pocket and dancing through the house. I feel so good. So… happy. The song that comes on while I’m getting my coffee has a fantastic beat, and I’m dancing carefully, trying not to spill my coffee, when the beat drops and I can’t resist. I sit my coffee down and dance like I would at a club. Like I used to when me and Alex would go out, having a good time because it felt like the world was ours.
When the song is over, I turn around to pick up my coffee, and Jace is holding it, grinning from ear to ear. I yelp, jerking the earbuds out of my ears, and putting a hand to my pounding heart, “You scared me! I didn’t know you were there!”
He laughs, reaching out to me, “I know, I’m sorry. You looked so happy, I didn’t want to interrupt. And, honestly, it was a fantastic show,” he says smiling suggestively.
I laugh, as he pulls me in, kissing me lightly. I wrap my arms around his neck, hugging him tight, “Thank you so much, Jace! I love it. All of it. How did you know I love lilies?” I ask, though I’m pretty sure Alex told him.
“You do? I didn’t know. I went to the florist early, and when I saw them, I thought of you, so that’s what I got. I came home to give them to you, and let you know I had to go back out to meet Ben again in a little while, and the box was on the porch. It wasn’t supposed to be delivered until tomorrow, but it was early. When I went upstairs you were still sleeping, so I loaded the music, and set everything up. I expected you to be up before I had to meet Ben at the house again, but you still weren’t. I didn’t have the heart to wake you up.”
“How did you choose all this music? I love every song on here so far!”
“I’m glad, I guessed for the ones I wasn’t sure of. I’m sure there will be some you don’t like, but I tried.” He laughs.
“I’m sure they’re all perfect,” I say, sitting down at the dining room table. It hits me all over again, how awful I was to him last night. The weight of it is crushing and everything just slows down.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
“I was awful to you last night. I… I didn’t mean to be.”
“Don’t worry about it, Bayleigh. It’s forgotten.”
“No, it’s not. I don’t know where it came from. I’ve been really happy, but then I’ll have these doubts, kind of out of nowhere, and they take over everything else. I try to ignore them, to make them stop, but last night it didn’t work. I’ve never been this way, so unwaveringly pessimistic. I don’t know why it keeps happening.”
“Do you think it might be the meds, or something else? I mean, you’re allowed to have doubts, Tiny, but if you feel like you don’t have any control over them, maybe we should make an appointment for you?”
“I don’t know. I go from being super happy, like on top of the world happy, to feeling like everything is crumbling around me and I can’t do anything to stop it. It doesn’t seem real. Nothing seems real.”
I can see the concern on his face, in his eyes. Feel it in the way his hand tightens on mine. “You mean everything? Like life in general, or us?” he asks.
“I don’t know, everything I guess. I feel like I’m adjusting to this new world, where things scare me to the point of being irrational sometimes. Adjusting to the new me, this scarred, damaged person that I am now. I accept it, and I feel really good about everything, but then, in the next breath it’s too much. Like no one can expect me to adjust and expecting it of me isn’t fair. And then I get mad. And then… then I feel like I’m just waiting to be buried under the weight of it.”
He sits down next to me, leaning his forehead against mine, eyes closed. “What can I do? What do you need, Sweetheart?” he asks.
“I don’t know. It doesn’t sound right, though, does it? There’s something wrong?” I ask.
He leans back, so I can see him. “Yeah. It sounds like maybe there’s something wrong, Sweetheart. I’m not a doctor, and I don’t know anything about what all of this does to you, all the physical stuff that’s happened, and the meds, but, yeah. I’m worried about you, Baby.”
Jace called the doctor as soon as I told him he could. I’m sitting in the room, waiting for the doctor to come in. Jace is in the waiting room, because he said he didn’t want his presence to keep me from saying anything I need to say.
Doctor James comes in, blue dress shirt, black pants, and a black tie with little stethoscopes all over it. He’s an older man, with mussed gray hair and glasses, and kind brown eyes. “Hello again, Miss Richards. Your young man
said you’re having some problems?” I smile at the term ‘your young man’.
“Yes.”
“Well, I know what he told Rebecca when he called, but I’d like to hear it from you,” he says, sitting on the stool with wheels it seems all doctors use.
I explain to him as close to the same way I explained to Jace as I can, except this time it feels like I’m talking about someone else. Like I’m reciting a story I heard somewhere.
He listens patiently, then scoots over closer to the table, looking up, “And, how do you feel right now?”
“I feel fine right now.”
“You don’t feel like everything is too much, or that you can’t handle anything, right now?”
“No. I feel good, and appreciate Jace calling, and bringing me here, and you agreeing to see me so quickly. I feel bad, because I kinda think maybe I’m wasting everyone’s time, but I feel pretty good still.”
“Tell me about how things are going with you and Jace,” he says.
I stare at him blankly, “What do you mean? Things are fine.”
“No, what I mean is, do you feel safe living with him, do you feel like he expects too much from you?” he asks. Seeing the look on my face, he says, “I’m not asking you about your sex life, Miss Richards, I’m asking if you are comfortable with him. You’ve been through a lot, and when you’re not comfortable with someone it can make things worse.”
“Oh. No, he’s amazing. He doesn’t get mad at me when I freak out, he walks me through it when I have anxiety attacks, he’s always doing sweet, unexpected things for me. He’s the one getting the crappy deal in this, not me.”
His eyebrows lift, “Oh? How so?”
“Well… I’m a mess. I can’t do most of the things people my age do, because I have attacks. I can’t drive, even thinking about it makes my heart pound. I have all of these hideous scars. I’m still afraid to get a job, I have no money, he has to buy everything for me. Even my medicine, and pay for you to talk to me.”
“It sounds like he’s quite committed to you.”
“You mean obligated.” I say, rolling my eyes. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to do that.”
He laughs, “No worries. I’ve raised six children, I get eye rolls every day. But, Miss Richards, I did not mean obligated. If the only thing he felt for you was obligation I don’t believe he would have begged Rebecca to get you in here today, and I don’t think he would have even noticed that something was wrong.”
“Is that your medical opinion?” Here comes the bitch.
“No, it’s my human opinion. I see a lot of patients, many of whom are joined by a person who brings them to me out of obligation. A husband whose wife was diagnosed with cancer three days before the divorce papers would have been served, a woman who never had time for her children, but has no one else, and so they take turns, not because they love her, but because it’s what is expected of them. The old man who brings in his grouchy old neighbor, because he’s sure he’ll go to hell if he doesn’t, since the man has no one else.”
“Then there are people who come in, people with severe mental illness or severe physical limitations that will never completely heal, and the people who bring them in are tired. They are exhausted and there are days that I’m sure they’d give anything to be someone else, but they love the person they’re with. Truly love them. Would give them half of their brain, their arm, anything they needed to get better if only there was a way to do that.”
“I’m sure. Because then they would be free to walk away.”
He shakes his head. “No. Because if there was a way they could take all of their loved one’s pain for themselves, to see them pain free and happy for even an hour, they would do whatever it took. Because they want to see them happy. They’re not looking for an out, Miss Richards.”
“Okay. Fine. Maybe he doesn’t think I’m an obligation. It also doesn’t mean that he’s committed. I don’t even know why we’re talking about this.”
“We’re talking about it because I want to know if you’ve told him what we discussed at our last appointment. Have you?”
I feel myself wince, “No.”
“Have you told anyone?”
“No, why would I? The only person it affects is me.”
“I don’t think that’s true, from what you’ve told me about Jace, and I don’t think you believe it either.”
“I’m not telling him, yet. I can’t. I can’t even think about it or say it out loud, to myself. I want to cover my ears when I think about it.”
His kind brown eyes search my face for a long moment. “Okay. I can’t make you tell anyone, but I stand by the recommendation. I think it will help you to tell someone. In the meantime, I’m going to take you off the anti-anxiety pill. There is a possibility that your current depression is caused by the medication, and I’m not willing to risk it getting worse. I want you to stop taking them, effective immediately. You’ve been on them a short enough time that you shouldn’t have any adverse reactions from stopping them, but if you do, give us a call right away.”
“I’m going to have panic attacks again?”
“It is possible, yes. It is also possible that you’ve made enough progress that you won’t backslide much. I’m going to schedule a follow-up for next week and we’ll see how things are going then. Do you have any questions?”
“What do I do if this doesn’t make it better?”
“We’ll go over your options if that happens. The last thing you need is worst case scenarios bouncing around in your head, and I have every reason to believe the medication is the main culprit.”
CHAPTER 17
The ride home is quiet. I know he wants to know what happened, but I keep thinking about what the doctor said. I don’t want to talk about it.
“Do you want to stop and get something to eat or anything?” he asks.
“No. I just want to go home,” I say. Then I hear what I just said and feel bad. “Unless you’re hungry. I’m sorry. We can stop if you want.”
He reaches over to take my hand, holding it on the center console like he always does, “Nope, I’m fine. If you want to go home, we’ll go home.”
“He took me off the anti-anxiety meds, Jace. I’m going to start having attacks again.”
“Did he say that? You’ve been doing really well, it can’t all be because of the meds.”
“He said it’s possible, which in my world means definitely.”
He looks at me oddly and I realize what I just said. God, I’m so miserable I don’t want to be around me. “Sorry. He says I’m depressed. I guess I am.”
“Okay. And he thinks it’s the pills doing it?”
“He said there’s a strong possibility.”
He squeezes my hand. “Okay. So, if you have more attacks we’ll deal with it. We’ll get through it, and hopefully the depression will ease up. If it doesn’t, we’ll get through that too. It’ll be okay, Tiny.”
“It’s not really ‘we’ though, is it? I mean, sure, you have to watch and deal with it, but it’s not ‘we’. It’s me. I’m the one who feels like I’m being buried alive. I’m the one who can’t breathe. Why did you even sign yourself up for this? Who would want to deal with all of this? Do you ever wonder what’s wrong with you that you actually want this in your life?”
I jerk my hand out of his and back over to my side. Why would he want to touch me after that? He sits quietly, his hand still right where I left it, palm up as if waiting for me to put mine back. I can’t though. “I’m sorry, Jace. I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me. I didn’t mean it.”
He wiggles his fingers, calling my hand back to his. He doesn’t stop until I give in. Once I do, he squeezes it hard, as if to say, ‘you’re not getting it back this time’.
“While I assume all of that was rhetorical, I’d like to address it, if that’s okay with you.” I nod begrudgingly, and he continues, “It is ‘we’ because I’m here with you. You’re right that I’m not the one who can’t breathe, or fee
ls like they’re being buried alive, but watching you go through it gives me similar feelings. It’s devastating to watch you go through it and not be able to help you. And I know you feel like you’re alone sometimes, but I will still be here whenever you come up for air… and you will come up for air, Bayleigh. As to why I would sign myself up for this? I didn’t. I signed myself up for you, and whatever comes with you, I’m on board. If that makes you think there’s something wrong with me, I’m okay with that. There are a lot of things wrong with me, too many to list probably, but being with you… wanting to be with you, isn’t one of them. It’s one of the things that is most definitely right.”
I hear what he’s saying, but it still doesn’t seem real. I remind myself that he doesn’t know everything, so he can’t possibly mean what he’s saying. “But, we’re not even together. We haven’t even had sex. You can’t really be fulfilled in this so-called relationship you keep referring to.”
He laughs, and I stare at him, annoyed. Nothing about this is funny. He laughs harder and I get more annoyed.
“I’m sorry. I’m not laughing at you,” he says.
“Then what are you laughing at?”
“I think you may actually be more hung up on the sex part than I am. Which is surprising because, well, I am who I am, but it doesn’t bother me. I’m okay with taking care of myself when I need to. I’m happy just being with you.”
“That’s probably because you can’t stomach the thought of touching me.” Why did I say that? “Wait, don’t say anything, Jace. I don’t want you to feel obligated to make the depressed girl feel better.”
Faith (Stregth Series Book 2) Page 17
