He’s breathing hard, muscles tense, and I know he’s struggling to control himself. It only turns me on more.
I place my hands on his chest, and slowly drag my nails down, lightly, from just below his collarbone, across his nipples, and down his stomach, hooking my fingers into his waistband. “I want to, Jace. I want you — “
I’m in his arms, being carried up the stairs, before I can even finish my sentence.
CHAPTER 18
Upstairs, he carries me to the bed. The moonlight from the window makes his skin glow. He lays me down gently, following me down. He kisses me softly, slowly, and I’m afraid he’s changed his mind on the walk up here. I try to push him, to recreate the urgency we had downstairs, but he’s too controlled and I can’t make him hurry.
He pulls away, holding himself above me on his elbows. “Bayleigh.”
“Huh?”
He lays his forehead against mine, his eyes closed. “I can’t…”
Oh my God. “Ummm… yeah. Okay.” I say, pushing against his chest, and fighting back tears.
“Jesus, no. Wait. That’s not what I meant. I’m sorry, Bayleigh, that’s not what I meant,” he says, refusing to budge.
“What else could you have possibly meant, Jace? It’s okay, just let me up.”
“No. What I meant was, I can’t be the one in control. I don’t want to risk it.”
“It’s fine, Jace, we don’t have to do anything. It’s okay, I understand,” I say, pushing at him again.
“Jesus, Bayleigh. Listen,” he says, but I just can’t.
I try to squirm out from under him and he pins me to the bed with his weight. Just enough that I couldn’t move if my life depended on it. He kisses me, hard, insistent. I want to ignore it, but I can’t, my body responding to him before my brain even registers it.
He pushes my legs apart, settling between them, both of us still in jeans. I need him. If this is the only chance I’m going to get, it’s going to have to last a lifetime. I reach between us, unbuttoning my own jeans while he kisses my neck. I push at him. “Let me get them off,” I say. He stands up, watching me strip in the moonlight. When I’m lying naked in front of him, he’s breathing hard. He comes back, pushing me down as he kisses me. I’m disappointed that he didn’t use the opportunity to remove his own clothes, but I’m determined to get him there.
I feel him trying to get his hand under me, so I arch my back to let him, and then I’m on top, straddling him. I laugh, it was so smooth, I had no warning at all. He smiles up at me, and I feel… in control, for the first time in a very long time.
“This is all you, Baby. I’m all yours, and you’re in control.”
“I am? Really?” I ask.
“Anything you want, I’m your man, but you decide. I won’t do anything you don’t ask me to do.”
I don’t think I’ve ever been in this position before. I’m nervous, but so excited. I have control, I think, leaning down to kiss him. I start gently, nipping his bottom lip between my teeth, then kissing him fully, my tongue sliding across his. He doesn’t hesitate to meet me, but he doesn’t push me either. It’s an entirely different world than anything I’ve ever experienced. The power is heady, and when he reaches for me, I remember the last time. When he told me if I didn’t keep my hands to myself, he wouldn’t make it. I grab his hands and push them down, over his head. He doesn’t resist at all, letting me dictate everything.
I hold his hands there, and trail kisses down his neck, pausing to lick his ear again. He shivers just like last time, so I do it again. I work my way down, across his chest, picking up where we left off downstairs, then further. I kiss his stomach, following the trail of hair down to his waistband. I lick just under the edge of his waistband, and he twitches, pushing his hips up against me. I unzip his jeans and hook my fingers into his waistband, tugging his jeans down. He helps, tugging them down over his hips and then kicking them off for me. Seeing all of him, I’m relieved that it’s dark.
I straddle him again, gasping at the sensation of skin to skin contact. I slide forward and back, rubbing my clit along the hard length of his cock. I’m so wet, I glide effortlessly against him. We both gasp, and he reaches for me again. I grab his hands, sliding them up my body, until he’s cupping my breasts. He flicks my nipples lightly with his thumbs and it takes my breath away. I grind against him harder, back and forth, back and forth, and his body is almost humming with tension. I slide all the way forward again, and he bucks his hips against me, sliding his hands down to grip my hips. I know what he wants, but I also know this may be the only chance I get, so I’m going to savor every second. I push his hands back over his head, smiling down at him. “No touching, Jace,” I say, grinding just a little bit harder as I slide back.
His jaw clenches, “Oh fuck, alright. Alright,” he growls, grabbing the spindles in the headboard.
I gently run my nails across his chest as I continue to slide back and forth. When it gets difficult for me to stay focused, I make myself stop, leaning over to kiss his neck, or lick his ear while he pants under me. Then slowly sliding back and forth and letting it build again. I watch his arms shake, his grip on the spindles turning his hands white. I stop again, and his eyes go wide, “Jesus, Bayleigh, if this kills me, it was worth it.” The last couple of words go down a few octaves as I move again, sliding slowly. It’s the perfect position, the most sensitive part of him, sliding against the most sensitive part of me.
I suck on his nipple lightly, then nip it with my teeth just as I begin to slide back down and he snaps the spindle in his right hand. I would laugh, if I wasn’t so close to the edge myself. He throws it away and grabs onto the next one, and I slow way down. It’s absolute agony, the only thing keeping me from satisfying us both is how much I want to make sure he remembers me.
He snaps another spindle, and I know he can’t take much more. Determined to make it last as long as possible, I stop again. “Look at me,” I say.
He opens his eyes, “Jesus,” he says.
Feeling bolder than I ever have in my life, I say, “That’s not my name.”
When he takes a breath to respond I slide my hips forward again, until I’m just barely touching his cock, and he gasps deeper. “Bay” — I pivot my hips, lifting my ass, and slide back, taking him all the way inside me in one smooth movement — “Leiiiggghhhhh,” he moans through the second half of my name, my own moan mingling with it. He’s a perfect fit, literally as though he was made for me. I rock back and forth, my hands on his shoulders, and this time when he grips my hips I don’t stop him. He slams me up and down, assisting with the movement of his hips.
I feel his muscles lock up just before my own do, and I sit up straight, my head falling back as I ride it out. When it’s over he pulls me down onto his chest, holding me tight. I sit back up, panting, “I c-can’t breathe like that,” I gasp.
He picks me up off of him and sits me on the bed next to him, panic in his eyes as he searches my face. “I’m so sorry, Baby. What can I do?”
I realize he thinks I’m having a panic attack and laugh, “No, not that. I’m j-just out of b-b-breath.”
“Oh, thank God,” he says, flopping back down on the bed. “I thought I fucked up the single greatest event of my life.”
I collapse next to him, giggling, “You’re funny,” I say. He’s been around a little too much for me to take that seriously.
He sits up, his back against the headboard, the pillows long gone and somewhere on the floor. “Bayleigh, I swear to God, I’ve never broken pieces off a headboard, off anything, in my life. That was amazing,” he says, his smile huge.
“I think so too, but I only really have experience with two guys, you know, other than… you know, so I’m not sure I’m an equal judge. You don’t have to build it up to make me feel better.”
“Bayleigh, I promised you I wouldn’t lie to you, and I’m not. Where the hell did you learn to do that?” he asks.
I can’t contain my laughter, “From you.”
>
“From me? What do you mean?” He looks so confused.
“Well, you were the inspiration anyway. That night, when you stopped every time I got close and wouldn’t let me touch you. I’d never had anyone devote so much time to making sure I was enjoying myself.”
Realization dawns, and shock turns to appreciation. “You’ve really never done that before?” he asks.
I shake my head, feeling my face turn red. “I’ve never even been on top before. They always wanted control of it,” I answer.
He shakes his head. “Well, Sweetheart, feel free to do that whenever you want with me. I’ll lay down in the middle of the road if you want me to, and I will never tell you no,” he says. He reaches over, hooking his hand around my neck, and pulls me to him for a long searching kiss. “I’m exhausted, but I already want to do it again,” he says, laughing.
I nod, “Can we get something to eat first though? Now, I’m hungry.”
He stands up and I shamelessly admire him as he pulls on his jeans. “Name it, Baby. Anything you want, I’ll make it,” he says.
I shake my head as I pull on my own jeans and t-shirt, and he shamelessly watches me. “No, don’t go to any trouble. I can eat leftovers,” I say, following him downstairs.
In the kitchen, he sits me down at the island, gets me a glass of tea, and proceeds to make us grilled cheese sandwiches.
I watch him cook, sans shirt, and I’ve never enjoyed watching anyone cook so much. Just watching his muscles ripple in his shoulder when he flips the sandwiches is enough to make me drool.
“Do you prefer yours dark or light?” he asks.
“Huh? Oh, I don’t know. I guess light? That’s how school used to make them when I was a kid.”
He spins around to face me, “Your favorite grilled cheese sandwich was made by your school?” he asks.
I nod. “The only grilled cheese I ever had was at school. I don’t know why, it just never occurs to me to make them.”
He shakes his head. “That is a sad state of affairs, Tiny. Grilled cheese is comfort food. It’s the thing your mom makes when you won’t eat anything else, or when the power goes out, or even when she’s just too tired to cook anything else.”
“Oh. Well… I never had any of that. I had ramen noodles and potted meat and crackers. Once I was old enough, I learned how to make macaroni and cheese out of a box. That was my comfort food, when we had milk and butter.” I see that he’s looking at me like I imagine he would look at a three-legged puppy, and stare at my hands. “I’m not that pitiful, Jace. You can’t miss what you’ve never had.”
He turns back to the stove, sliding sandwiches onto plates. He comes back to the island, and sits across from me, the stool he used earlier still on that side. He sits both plates side by side, and tells me to choose one. They don’t look much different, and I choose the one on the left. He nods and pulls the other one over to him. He picks it up and rips it in half, corner to corner, then sits it back on the plate, the cheese oozing out.
“Now you do it,” he says.
“What?”
“You have to rip it in half and let it sit for a minute. If you don’t, it’ll be six months before you get your taste buds back.”
That sounds a little extreme, but since I’ve never had a hot, just-made, grilled cheese, I take his word for it, ripping mine in half like he did. He nods his approval.
“Tiny, I don’t think you’re pitiful,” he says quietly.
“Well, sure you do, everyone does at some point. I had a crappy childhood, if you can even call it that, and, so far, I’ve had a crappy adult life. I know that, but I really am okay with it. There’s no need to feel sorry for me.”
“I don’t feel sorry for you, Tiny. Whatever traumas you’ve had in your life, have turned you into one hell of an amazing woman. There’s nothing I can see to be sorry for.”
Just like that, I feel better. He takes a bite of his grilled cheese, encouraging me to do the same. I feel cheese strings sticking to my chin, and try to get them with my hand, without looking like a complete slob. “This is delicious. I didn’t know grilled cheese could taste this good.”
He grins, “This is the only way they should ever taste. I’m glad you like it.”
“I love it. We should have them more often,” I say, taking another bite.
He looks at me over the top of my sandwich, “I’ll make them every day for the rest of your life if you want me to.” He says it so seriously, I have to look away. I don’t know why he keeps saying things like that, but I have to stay in the moment. Just get through today, Bayleigh.
We finish our sandwiches, and he puts the plates in the dishwasher. I’m still so tired, but I feel like I’m buzzing on the inside.
He turns the light out, and we start to go upstairs in the dark, “Fuck! Bayleigh, I’m so sorry,” he says. I spin around and he’s white as a sheet.
“Jace? What’s wrong? Are you okay?” I ask, grabbing for his arm.
“We didn’t use a condom, Bayleigh. Oh my God, I’m sorry, I didn’t… I’m always so careful. It was you, and I didn’t even think.”
“Okay. Jace, I don’t have any diseases or anything and you said you get tested all the time.” I’m more than a little insulted.
“Bayleigh, I don’t care about that. I mean, I do, but I know I’m clean and I know you’re clean. You had every test known to man.”
“Okay? So? No big deal. Whatever.” I say, turning to walk back up the stairs.
He grabs my wrist spinning me back, “Bayleigh, you could get pregnant. I want kids, someday, I love kids, but now probably isn’t optimal.”
Fuck. I knew it would end now. “Don’t worry about it. I can’t have kids. I’ll sleep down here if you’d rather end this now.”
“What? End this? Why? Because I forgot to wear a damned condom?” He’s mad, but so am I. At the whole fucking world.
“No, because you want kids and I can’t have kids, so what’s the point? If it’s what you want, you deserve to have little Jaces running around, getting into shit and making you crazy, and I’m never going to be the one that can give you that. I’m never going to hold your baby, or my baby. I don’t get to have babies.” He jumps back like I slapped him, but it’s like a freight train inside of me, and I can’t stop it. “It’s okay, it’s fine. We had a great time and I really enjoyed myself, but I always knew it was never going to go anywhere. I knew you were too good to be true. I don’t even know how many times Alex told me you weren’t the ‘family’ type of guy, so when he told me I couldn’t have kids, I thought, okay. Maybe it’s okay. Maybe he won’t care. Maybe he doesn’t want kids, and maybe I can convince myself that I never wanted them to begin with.”
“Bayleigh.”
“No, really, because it’s my fault. My fault. I got pregnant, but because it wasn’t with who I wanted, when I wanted, the way I imagined it all to be, I got rid of it. I got rid of the only baby I ever had a chance to have. I killed my baby, and it killed any chance of me ever having a baby of my own. So, just go, just leave. It’s fine. Really.”
“Bayleigh!”
“It’s okay, Jace. Just go. I did this. I did it to myself. I don’t deserve babies, I don’t deserve you, I don’t deserve anything. What I deserve is… exactly what I’ve fucking gotten.”
I’m in a vice. I can’t breathe and I can’t escape. I fight, trying to get away, but I don’t get anywhere, and then I can’t move. So, I cry. Great, heaving sobs, that tear me apart. My heart rips out of my chest with every one, and I don’t know why it won’t just stop beating. How can it keep beating? Every ragged breath my body takes in allows my heart to rip apart all over again.
It’s a chant in my head, let me die, let me die, let me die. I don’t have anything left to fight with. If I could get out of this damned vice, I swear I’d find something to end it all myself.
CHAPTER 19
I wake up on the couch, head pounding. I hear Jace talking in another room, and try to make out his words, bu
t I can’t. I hear another male voice, and sit up. I feel like hell. Last night comes back in a wave, and I want to lay back down.
It’s over. He wants kids, and I can’t have them. I fooled myself into believing this would work, but now I know it never will. A family is something I can’t give him, and he deserves a family.
I look up as Ben comes around the corner, “Hey there, Sunshine. How you feeling?” he has a beautiful smile, but I can’t smile back. Not today. I flop back over on the couch, pulling my legs up to my chest. “So… not good?” he asks.
He stops in front of the couch, waiting for a reply. “Nope. I’m great. Just waiting to die.” I wish I was joking. I wish there was some tiny part of me that didn’t feel like I was already dead.
“That’s cool. So, in the meantime, how about you get your ass up and eat some breakfast,” he says.
He reaches his hand out and I slap it away. “I’m good, thanks.”
He nods. His green eyes assessing me, tattooed arms tense. “That’s not going to work for me, time to get up,” he says, physically hauling me off the couch. He throws me over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes, and I’m hitting him, pounding on his back, screaming at him to let me go. He doesn’t seem to notice.
He dumps me on a stool in the kitchen, and I get up to take off. Where, I don’t know, just away, but he clamps a big hand on my shoulder, shoving me back down. Jace comes forward, concern in his eyes and the shadows of morning making his face look purple, but Ben looks at him, shaking his head, and he backs down.
“Yeah. See? I knew you’d be done with me when you found out, so why are you still here, Jace? Just fucking go. I won’t be here much longer anyway, though, so I don’t know, maybe you should stay.” I’m sickly satisfied when I see pain in his eyes.
Ben shakes his head at him again, and he fades back in to the dining room. I hear footsteps traveling up the stairs, and am glad that he’s gone. “What? You taking over? You think you can fix this? Fix me?” I ask Ben.
Faith (Stregth Series Book 2) Page 19
