“NO! Don’t say that word!” I sit back down, covering my ears. Don’t say that word, don’t say that word. I try to keep my hands clamped to my ears, but I don’t have a chance with Ben’s hands clamped around my wrists, dragging them down.
“Bayleigh, stop it. Why the hell shouldn’t he love you? I mean, present circumstances aren’t necessarily in your favor, but after seeing you for two minutes I got my ass kicked by prison guards for you. You’re a lovable kid, Sunshine. Being loved isn’t so bad.”
“Yes, it is. When people love you, you let them down and then they don’t love you anymore. They don’t want you around anymore. It hurts so much worse when you love them and they used to love you.”
“Aw, Honey. I don’t think you know what love feels like, do you?”
“I know what love is, Ben. Don’t be an asshole,” I say.
“Wasn’t even considering it, but you’ll know if I change my mind. Right now, I’m just being honest, and you’re being an asshole. I forgive you though, because you’re dealing with some serious shit.” He grins and I have the urge to slap him like the nurse did. “I didn’t say you don’t know what love is, I said you don’t know what love feels like. Being loved, I mean. I know you love people, I know that you fucked yourself all up for your friend, Alex” — he throws his hand up to stop me from talking — “I don’t know any details, and I don’t want to, it’s none of my business. I just know that, to Jace, you’re Superwoman. I know you love Jace, or you wouldn’t be trying so hard to protect him from yourself. And I know you love me, because, if you don’t, you are insane and I’m not ready to accept that yet.”
I laugh, unable to stop it. He has a way of making me want to punch him and hug him all at the same time. “Okay? According to you, I know what love is, so you’re wrong.”
He tilts his head, green eyes sparkling, “I don’t remember you being this slow when we were in jail. Did the meds fuck with your brain?” I roll my eyes, and he continues, “Anyway, you don’t know what it feels like to be loved. You’ve been through some shit, kid, nobody can say different. You went through almost all of it all alone from what I understand, and that’s a shame, really, but it means nobody was ever there for you. Your mom?”
“Drunk. Different guy in the house every night.”
He nods, “Any of ‘em touch you?”
“No.”
He looks me up and down, which should feel creepy or insulting, but just makes me laugh since he doesn’t even attempt to hide it. “Hmm. Maybe there is a God after all. So, your mom wasn’t around, at least not for you. Dad?”
“Never knew him.”
“Dad wasn’t around either. Grandparents?”
“My grandmother died when I was nine. Mom got worse, still no dad, no brothers or sisters, no cousins, no one. I met Alex when we were kids, and our home lives were about equally bad, but she always thought mine was better. She ended up homeless though, and I didn’t, so I won’t argue the point. I met my ex, Mike, my freshman year of high school, and we stayed together until a little while before I came here. There, life story. Happy?”
“Nope, not yet. Did you love him?”
“Who? Mike? Umm. I thought I did. I tried to. He put up with me, and all the drama that came with being close to Alex, and I felt like I owed him my love. My devotion. He worked hard, and he cared about me.”
“He cared about you, or he loved you?”
“I don’t know. It’s not like it’s that big of a difference.” I roll my eyes.
“It’s a huge difference, Bayleigh.”
“No, it isn’t.”
“Okay. Hypothetically, let’s compare someone named Race, and someone named Ten, and how they feel about a girl named Kayleigh.”
I laugh. “So, you, Jace, and me?” I ask.
“Right, I forgot you’re a slow learner now. Let’s try this again. The names are Race, Ten, and Kayleigh, and they are not real people. This is purely hypothetical. So, Ten cares about Kayleigh, she’s been kind to him, she’s helped him out, and he even has some sibling-ish feelings towards her. He definitely cares, and he doesn’t want anything bad to happen to her. He would go out of his way to help her if he could, but he’s not going to be upset if Kayleigh is too busy for him for a week, a month, maybe even a year. Sometimes life is busy. Ten would miss Kayleigh, but he’s not going to pine away after her and forget to eat or anything. Of course, Kayleigh should know that if she needs help, Ten will come from wherever he is and he will help her any way he can.”
“Race though? Race can’t imagine a night without seeing Kayleigh. He misses her when she’s in the next room, and when she’s mad at him? He’d do anything to make her feel better. Race doesn’t care if all they do is read books in the same house. He knows she’s there, and that makes him feel better. Race would give up everything for Kayleigh, and I bet, if he had to, he would literally walk through fire for her. He would slay dragons, he would kill all the monsters, under all the beds, in all the world, if that’s what she needed him to do. He would do anything to make her smile, pay anything to keep her safe, and if she killed Ten, which, hey, nobody should kill Ten, he’s a nice guy. If she did though, Race would spend the next week digging a hole big enough to help her bury the evidence. Yes, I meant a week. Ten is a nice guy, but he’s a big guy, and it’s going to require a lot of digging, so Kayleigh should keep that in mind.”
I don’t even know what’s happening. I’m laughing with tears streaming down my face.
“So, let’s recap — Ten and Race both definitively care about Kayleigh, but in very different ways. Ten is a nice guy, and he cares, but he’s probably not going to walk through fire for her, and he definitely doesn’t have time to kill all the monsters and slay all the dragons. Race will make the time to do it for her though, so really, Kayleigh is golden. All she has to do is accept Race’s undying devotion for all eternity.”
I can’t seem to stop the tears so I give up trying. “If this is true, why doesn’t Race tell Kayleigh that he loves her?”
“Well, with these particular very not real people and their hypothetical circumstances, Ten believes that maybe Race is scared. They haven’t talked about it though, because, well, they’re guys, but that’s what Ten thinks.”
“What does he have to be scared of? Kayleigh is the one who should be terrified.”
He raises his eyebrows, green eyes sparkling, “Really? What would Kayleigh have left to fear? Race will take care of anything that hurts her.”
I look down, backed into a corner. I don’t even know how he did it. “What if Kayleigh isn’t good enough for all that devotion? What if she can’t carry the weight of it? What if she lets him down?”
He smiles, moving to the stool next to me. He puts his huge arm around me and I feel like a child. A child being protected by a giant bear. It’s an odd sensation. “Kayleigh is already good enough for all of Race’s devotion. Kayleigh can carry far more weight than she knows, and she isn’t going to let Race down unless she refuses to let Race make his own decisions” — he drops his voice until it’s barely a whisper — “and, I even know a secret.”
“What secret?” I ask.
“Shhhhhh” — he holds his finger to his lips — “you don’t just blare out anything around a secret, Bayleigh. You don’t want to ruin the secret, do you?” I shake my head and he smiles. “The secret is that once Kayleigh accepts the weight of Race’s love, when it’s a love as fierce as his is for her, it stops being a weight that she carries, and instead becomes wings that will carry her through anything.”
“You don’t know that, you can’t know that,” I say, horrified to realize I have progressed into ugly crying. He engulfs me in his big arms, until I feel like he’s swallowed me, and he lets me cry. I feel like a little girl, I feel like a fool, but I can’t stop. He doesn’t say anything, doesn’t rub my back, or stroke my hair. He just sits there, holding me while I sob. His heartbeat is so strong, it’s soothing and gradually calms me. He lets me go, and I sit
up. He disappears for a second, and returns with a roll of toilet paper. “I don’t know where you guys keep tissues, so this is the best I can do for you, kid.”
He tears off a few sheets and hands them to me. I wipe my eyes and blow my nose. Then concentrate on breathing like a normal person for a few minutes.
“Have you ever loved anyone like that?” I ask.
“No, not like Race loves Kayleigh, but I really hope I will someday, and I would give anything for someone to love me that way. My ex cared about me, like Mike cared about you, but she never loved me like Race loves Kayleigh.”
I can’t imagine a world where a woman who would love Ben that way doesn’t exist. He’s like a giant puppy. A sweet, gentle giant of a man. “Somebody will, Ben. I’m sure of it.”
“I’m glad someone is, but this isn’t about me. This is about Race and Kayleigh.”
“I have a question about that,” I say. He nods. “What is Race afraid of? Why wouldn’t he just tell Kayleigh he loves her?”
“I have to reiterate that Ten is only guessing. Ten does not actually know the answer for sure.”
“Ten is a smart guy though, so I want to know what Ten thinks,” I say. He blushes, and it’s adorable. I smile and he grins at me.
“Ten thinks that Race is afraid Kayleigh isn’t ready. Kayleigh is still a little wild, a little flighty, and, at times, more afraid of herself than anyone else around her. Because of this, she’s a major flight risk, and Race is terrified of losing her. Of course, that’s just what Ten thinks, and he could be wrong, so Kayleigh would have to be brave and verify all of that with Race.”
I think about that while Ben gets me another cup of coffee. It’s odd, this giant of a man waiting on me. I didn’t even know him a few weeks ago. He didn’t exist to me at all, and now, here he is, taking care of me in Alex’s kitchen. He sets the cup down in front of me, then gets himself a cup as well. He sits down across from me, elbows on the counter, and raises his cup to his lips, watching me over the rim as he drinks.
“What if Race is right? What if Kayleigh isn’t ready?” I ask, afraid of the answer.
“If Kayleigh isn’t ready, she should just wait. Do nothing. She doesn’t have to make any decisions right now. It’s okay to just let things play out, to wait and see how she feels in a week, maybe three weeks. The most important thing Kayleigh has to remember is that Race is responsible for his decisions. Kayleigh only has to worry about herself and how she feels about her relationship with Race.”
“But what if Kayleigh gives in, falling in love with Race, and he changes his mind? Decides he can’t slay all the dragons and kill all the monsters for Kayleigh anymore? Then what?”
“Well, kid, that’s why they call it falling. Kayleigh’s just going to have to have faith that Race will be there to catch her.”
CHAPTER 20
We’re eating lunch, roast beef sandwiches and chips that Ben and I made together. I still feel more than a little dead inside, but it’s not as bad as it was this morning. He tells me stories about himself and his sister when they were growing up, and I’m sad that he doesn’t have her anymore. I really would have liked her.
He’s talking about the time she threw a remote at him because he was making fun of the show she was watching. She hit him right in the eye, and he had a black eye for a week.
My laugh fades, “I hit Jace.”
He stops laughing, his eyes serious, “Yeah, you did. A few times from the look of things.”
“Is he okay?” I ask.
“Yeah. He’s a guy, Bayleigh. He’s been hit before, more than likely by people a lot bigger and stronger than you. He’s fine.”
“But, I hurt him. You’re not supposed to hurt people you care about. I swear I didn’t know, and I know that sounds stupid, because, well, how could I not know. But I didn’t. I was stuck, and I wanted to run.”
He chuckles, and I look up, confused. “Sorry. That’s what he said too, though. That you weren’t hearing him, weren’t seeing him, and that you lashed out. He was actually a little impressed with your ability to throw a punch. You rocked his jaw, kid. And his eye. And his cheekbone’s pretty fucked up.” He laughs.
“It’s not funny, Ben.”
“Sure, it is. You’re so tiny, but you’re a fighter. No doubt about that.”
“He’s a victim of domestic abuse and I’m the abuser. And you’re laughing. Stop it, Ben. It’s not funny.” I say, as he holds his stomach with both hands, laughing so hard he appears to be in pain. Every word I say makes him laugh harder, until there are tears in the corners of his eyes. I stop talking, crossing my arms in front of me, and wait.
“Okay, I’m sorry” —he gasps, wiping his eyes — “I get why you don’t think it’s funny. I even understand how it’s not funny, but he’s a big guy, taller than me, and he’s not as big as I am, but he’s not some skinny, weak guy. He’s a big guy” — he starts laughing again — “and… you’re… a peanut. A tiny little peanut!” Unable to resist anymore, he’s back to holding his stomach and wiping his eyes.
“Ben. Please stop.” I say.
He sits up straight, face serious, but his bottom lip is quivering, “Oh no, you’re not going to hit me, are you?” he asks, dissolving into laughter again.
I give up. I take a bite of my sandwich, ignoring him completely, though it’s a struggle when he almost falls off his stool. When he finally pulls himself together, he sits quietly for a few minutes, drinking his orange soda, which I assume he brought with him.
“I know it’s not funny. The result isn’t funny, but the imagery is killer,” he says.
I count to ten before I speak, to make sure he’s done. “He’s never going to forgive me, Ben. I had no right to hit him. I can’t believe I hurt him.” Tears well up in my eyes, and I look up at the ceiling to control them.
“Bayleigh, he knows you didn’t mean to. He told me you were in a panicked state, like the attacks you were taking the meds for. Now, whether that was because you stopped the meds, or just because of the situation, he knows you didn’t mean to do it. I know you didn’t mean to do it. Anyone, looking at your face while you talk about it, would know you didn’t mean to do it, Bayleigh. Anyone.”
I shake my head, unable to believe him.
“Bayleigh, it wouldn’t be any clearer if there was a flashing neon sign proclaiming it stuck to your forehead. He knows you didn’t mean it.”
“I can’t… am I just going to keep doing this? Is he going to worry, every time I get upset, that I’m going to have an anxiety attack and punch him? That’s no way to live. That makes me the monster.”
“No. You’re not going to keep doing this. The doctor thinks the meds helped initially, but then they made everything worse. Based on the length of time you were on them, he believes they’ll be out of your system in a few days. That’s why he suggested the seventy-two-hour hold. Because, by the time they let you out, you should be okay.”
I wince. I forgot about that. “So, is he going to get in trouble for not taking me when the doctor said he should?” I ask.
“Well, if you kill someone, or yourself, yeah, we’ll be in trouble. So, don’t do that, and we should be okay. He knew we weren’t going to take you. He asked Jace if there was another person that could help, so someone would be awake at all times for the next few days, and also because he was worried that Jace would be a trigger for you this morning, which he was, and I volunteered. The doc agreed to it. I’m not so sure he was happy about it, but he did agree to it.”
I cover my face with my hands, nodding. “Thank you, Ben. You didn’t have to do that.”
“You’re welcome. Anytime, kid. I could see Jace didn’t want to take you, he needed help.”
“Kayleigh is scared.”
He smiles sadly, taking my hand, “That’s a good thing, Bayleigh. Kayleigh doesn’t have to do anything, remember? Just wait. She’ll figure it out.”
“How is it good to be scared?” I ask.
“That’s how Kayleig
h knows she doesn’t really want to die anymore. Being scared means you still have something to lose.”
His words make sense, and the whole Kayleigh, Race, Ten thing makes it easier to talk about it. I’m having a little trouble applying it to me, though. I know I am scared. Of being wrong, of hurting him again, of letting him down. It’s all still here, all the turmoil, all the pain. It’s living in me and I don’t know how to get rid of it.
“How am I ever going to look at him again?” I ask.
“I think just using those beautiful green eyes would be the easiest way.” Ben and I both turn to the doorway. Jace is there, navy blue sweatshirt, jeans, bare feet, and bruised face. “I’m not as pretty as I was yesterday, but I don’t think I’m that hard on the eyes yet,” he says, smiling.
“Meh. Don’t underestimate the ugly, man,” Ben says.
I get up, but can’t step towards him. I want to, but I don’t know if I should. “I’m so sorry, Jace. I’m so sorry,” I say. His eye is so swollen I don’t know how he can see out of it.
“I know, but don’t be. I’m okay, Bayleigh,” he says, holding his arms out.
I don’t even hesitate. My feet have me wrapped in his arms before I even make the decision. He kisses the top of my head, squeezing me tight. “I’m more worried about you. Are you alright?” he asks. I feel the words vibrate in his chest more than hear them. I try to nod, feeling like there’s a knot in my throat and I can’t talk around it. “Is she okay?” he asks Ben.
“She will be. This morning was a little rough, but at least she didn’t hit me,” he says.
Jace laughs, and I flinch. “You’re a lucky man, she’s good at it,” he says.
“I can see that,” Ben replies.
I jerk back, glaring at both of them in turn. “Too soon?” they ask, in unison.
I nod, a laugh escaping despite my embarrassment, and I bury my face in Jace’s chest.
He kisses the top of my head again, then leans back a little. I look up at him, and he kisses me softly. I kiss him back, relieved.
Faith (Stregth Series Book 2) Page 21
