Jace turns the key as Tommy walks back down the hall. He puts his hand on the handle, then turns back to me. “We’re here with you, Bayleigh. I don’t know how things are going to go when I open this door, and I know you don’t either. You remember the pharmacy?” he asks.
I smile, “Yes. Green, yellow, and red.”
“Yes. And black. Don’t forget black. I promise, I’ll take care of you.”
I nod, grateful that he’s reminded me, and breathing just a bit easier.
“Wow. You put a lot of thought into that code, Jace. I’m impressed,” Ben says, chuckling.
Jace and I laugh, his words a welcome relief from the crushing feeling of what we’re about to do.
I take a deep breath, and he opens the door.
It’s not as bad as I had feared. She really didn’t own much, and the smell can be written off in my mind as being ‘stuffy’, just like Tommy said. We all move through the apartment with individual garbage bags, throwing away anything that is obviously trash, and there’s quite a bit. It appears that she took a hard turn at some point, the empty space where the couch used to be completely outlined by empty liquor bottles and beer cans. There isn’t even a space to put your foot down where the couch would have been.
Jace and Ben check with me frequently, I can feel their eyes on me without even needing to look up. I glance over at them and they’re sending each other meaningful glances that appear to be filled with pity, for me. I hate that.
“She was never this bad when I was growing up. Even the last time I was here, it wasn’t like this. Looks like she went on the full liquid diet,” I say.
“Yeah, looks that way.” Jace says. “I wonder what happened.”
Ben glares at him.
“Oh, stop, Ben. He doesn’t know.”
“Know what?” Jace asks.
“Every kid with an alcoholic parent knows the signs to look for. Liver failure is an extremely painful way to die. They turn to full liquid when their liver starts to fail, because they think it can dull the pain. They don’t realize that it just makes it worse. Then, they start vomiting blood, and when they drink they feel like they’re on fire on the inside. They still can’t stop though. Toxins flood their brain and they get confused, combative, and aggressive, even if they never were before. When you’re a kid with an alcoholic parent, you search for the info, because you hear everyone saying the word alcoholic. I was about sixteen when her stomach swelled up. She cut back a little, for a short time, but it’s basically a miracle she survived as long as she did.”
Jace is staring at me, and Ben is staring at the floor. “I’m sorry, Ben. I didn’t think… I’m in my own world.”
“No, it’s all true. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. I’m not upset.”
“Okay. The way you were looking at the floor, I thought I upset you.”
“No. I was just thinking. Who was bringing her alcohol? She wouldn’t have been in any condition to get it herself.”
“I don’t know. Whoever around here that was drunk enough themselves they didn’t mind the condition she was in as long as they could still get laid?”
Jace winces, and I feel bad. “I’m sorry. I know I sound like an asshole, but it’s the truth.” I sort through the bills on the counter I’m now responsible for. “I felt sorry for her for a little while, but it’s hard to feel sorry for someone who spends so much time ruining their own life. She didn’t care what time I came home, if I had clean clothes, if I had anything to eat. She didn’t care if I did well in school, or hell, even went to school. I could have run away and never come back, and she never would have even noticed, or if she did, she wouldn’t have cared long enough to actually report me missing or look for me.”
“I’m sure she would have looked for you,” Jace says, walking over and hugging me.
“No, she wouldn’t have.” I pull away, too angry to be wrapped in his arms. “You know how I know? Because I did. I ran away when I was twelve. I took a stack of money some overly generous guy had left on the dresser, while they were passed out, and I left. I slept in the park, and bought food once a day with the money, trying to make it last as long as I could. I made it two weeks before it got too cold. When I walked in, she yelled at me for leaving the front door open when I left that morning. It was whatever guy she was screwing, obviously, but she genuinely believed it was me. She never even noticed I wasn’t there. For fifteen days.”
Both of them are staring at me, eyes wide with shock, and I scrub the tears off my cheeks with the heels of my hands. “I don’t even know why I’m crying. I accepted it a long time ago.”
“You’re crying because you can accept something and still be hurt by it,” Ben says.
“I’m not hurt, I’m pissed off. How could she care so little about me? Worse, about herself?”
“You know what they say, Tiny. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. I guess that’s true,” Jace says.
Ben nods, “Yep. That’s about it.”
“You’re right. It might be easier to understand if I had any idea what made her care so little for herself though. She never talked to me about anything, or anyone else, as far as I know. Was it because of me? Because she had to raise me alone?”
“Alright, I don’t think we need to go down that road,” Ben says.
Jace holds up his hand, “No, wait. What if it was because of you? What if she just couldn’t handle being a single mother? Does that change anything?” he asks.
“I don’t know. Maybe if I had moved out earlier, she would have gotten better.”
“But you did leave, Bayleigh, and nothing at all changed. Sounds like it didn’t have anything to do with you, Sweetheart.”
I consider his words, and though I can see the truth in them, I’m not ready to accept it yet. “I’ll keep that in mind.”
Jace’s phone rings and he steps into the other room. Ben walks over and puts his arm around me. I try to shrug him off, but he’s not having it. “Jace is right, you know. I know it’s hard to not feel like it was about you, because she was your mom and how could it not be about you when you were the one being shit on. It wasn’t about you though, and somewhere in here” — he thumps his finger just under my collarbone — “you know it. I’m sure your mom loved you in whatever ways she could, and I’m sorry she wasn’t able to show it.”
“Thank you, Ben.”
I move to the living room where they were working. Something shiny on the floor catches my eye, and I scrape my foot over potato chip bags and empty bottles, to expose it. I pick it up, my breath catching in my throat. It’s a gold necklace, an angel, with pretty filigree wings and a tiny halo. I wind it around my hand and sit on the floor. I turn it over and over, amazed that it didn’t get stepped on and broken.
“What’s that?” Ben asks.
A lump forms in my throat, and my voice comes out in a whisper, “It was my g-g-grandmother’s. I thought she pawned it.”
Ben shoves things out of the way and sits next to me among the refuse. “Why did you think that?”
“After her funeral, I asked mom if I could have it. She told me no, that she buried her with it. I knew she didn’t though. My grandmother never took it off, and I looked for it at the viewing. It wasn’t there. I was so mad. How could she pawn it for booze? My grandfather gave it to my grandmother when he was going to Michigan for work. He was going to be gone a while, working at one of car manufacturing plants. He was going by himself until he had saved enough money to buy a house for mom and grandma. He told her that this would be her guardian angel until he came home to do it himself. He was killed two weeks later in a car accident.” — I swipe at tears, annoyed that I’m crying again — “She never took it off. Never.”
Ben pulls me over to him, and his arms around me get rid of any composure I had left. I cry into his chest and he moves me into his lap. I hear Jace come back, and they talk over my head. “What happened?”
“She found a necklace that belonged to her g
randmother. She thought her mom pawned it after her grandma died.”
“Aw, damn. Here, I’ll take her.”
“No, I’ve got her. She’ll be alright in a minute. Who was on the phone?” Ben asks. I want to yell at them that I’m in the room, stop talking about me like I’m not here, but I know they’re both just trying to take care of me, and I can’t talk through these stupid tears anyway. Holding the necklace feels like holding a piece of her. I thought I’d never get to see it again.
“The coroner,” Jace says.
“Oh. Something wrong?”
“No, just that he doesn’t think he’ll be able to release her until late next week at the earliest. They have a massive backlog, and the state won’t let him release without the autopsy because of the circumstances of her being found.”
“So, we’ll be here for a while then?” Ben asks.
“Yeah, it looks that way. If you need to go back to New York, I can take you back or I’ll pay for a rental for you.”
“Do you need me to go back?” Ben asks.
“No, the work at the house can wait, I’m not worried about any of that, but if you have stuff you need to do up there or anything… “
Ben laughs, the sound rumbling through his chest under my ear. “I have an empty apartment, with an empty fridge. I don’t have any issues staying. I can get a room at another hotel, one I can afford, so you don’t have to pay for it, if that helps, but I’d like to be here for her too.”
“No need for that, you can stay where you are. I’m not worried about the cost.”
I pull away from Ben. “Wait, why can’t we just finish the apartment and go home? I’m sure I can call a funeral home from New York, right? You shouldn’t have to be away for two weeks because of this. It’s not fair to you.”
“Bayleigh, there’s nothing going on at home that can’t wait until I get back. You’re going to have papers to sign, arrangements to deal with, bills to settle, etcetera. It will be easier to stay, and it’s not a big deal. As far as fair to me? The only thing fair to me, is being next to you, so stop using that phrase. Please.”
“Okay. I’m sorry. This isn’t my favorite place, and even I know I’m looking for excuses.” I scoot out of Ben’s lap and stand up. I hold out the necklace to Jace, “Do you think there’s somewhere we can have it cleaned? How much does that cost? I’ve never had jewelry cleaned.”
“I’ll ask when we get back to the hotel, if they can’t do it, they can tell me where to take it,” he says. “It’s beautiful. A guardian angel. I’m glad you found it, Bayleigh.”
“Me too.” We go back to cleaning up garbage while I tell Jace about the necklace. He asks a few questions about my grandmother, then asks what we’re going to do with the furniture.
“I don’t know. I don’t have anywhere to put any of it and most of it is junk anyway.”
“I have room at my house for anything you want to take with you, don’t worry about that.”
I spin around towards him, “Why would you do that?”
“Um… because it will be your house too someday.” His smile is goofy and unsure.
“You’ve never even taken me to your house, and now you’re saying it’s going to be my house too?”
Ben raises his hands as he stands, “Hey, so, I’m going to go make sure no one has stolen the truck. Okay? Yes, Ben, that’s a great idea. Okay.” He answers himself as he closes the door behind him.
Jace walks towards me, “Bayleigh, you are welcome at my house any time you wish. More than welcome. I would love to have you there, and I told you before that we were staying at Chance’s because that’s where you were comfortable. I didn’t want to overwhelm you.”
“Why? I’m not that fragile, Jace.”
“I don’t think you’re fragile, Tiny, and we’ve talked about that too. You have damned good reasons for falling apart now and then. I’m sorry I haven’t been clear enough” — he takes my hand, and places his other hand on the back of my neck, drawing me closer — “My intention is to make a life with you. I want to fall asleep next to you, wake up next to you, laugh with you, fight with you, have angry make-up sex with you, make love to you, have kids with you, if that’s the direction you decide to go, grow old with you, and everything in between. I’m going to marry you, Bayleigh Richards.” He kisses me softly.
“Is that a proposal?” I ask, barely trusting myself to speak.
“No, ma’am. It’s a promise. When I propose to you, you won’t need to question whether or not it’s happening.”
“Don’t you want to know what my answer would be?” I ask, smiling up at his beautiful, bruised face.
“Nope, I already do.” He says, his face smug.
I laugh, “You think you have me all figured out, don’t you?”
“Not at all. Pretty sure it’ll take the rest of my life for that to happen, but I know enough to be sure that I won’t be taking no for an answer.” He kisses the tip of my nose and picks up his garbage bag.
I follow, picking up my own, and putting garbage in it while I try to keep my heart inside my chest.
There’s a tentative knock on the door. “You can come back, Ben,” Jace yells.
Ben opens the door slowly, peeking his head around it, “You sure everything is okay?”
“Yes. Get your ass in here and close the door,” Jace says, throwing bottles into the garbage bag.
“Wow. I really thought she was going to kick your ass again,” Ben says, grinning as he closes the door behind him.
“Some bodyguard you turned out to be,” Jace fires back, laughing.
Ben picks up his discarded bag, pointing at Jace’s face with his other hand, “Have you looked in a mirror, man? I’m way too pretty to let her do that to me.”
Jace is unconvinced, “Don’t underestimate the ugly, Ben. You’re even uglier than me.”
Ben acts like he’s flipping imaginary long hair over his shoulder, “I’m fucking beautiful.”
Jace and I laugh as Ben flounces into the bedroom with his bag.
By the end of the day we have thirty black garbage bags piled in the galley kitchen. The dishes that were dirty were thrown away, none of us wanting to take the time to deal with them. The rest of the dishes, pots, and pans were boxed up and carried down stairs, Ben yelling down the street that they were free as he sat them on the sidewalk.
They were gone before he made it back down with the next box. Anything we found that was still good enough to be used by someone, we boxed up and took it downstairs, Ben yelling in his deep, booming voice.
We’re all tired, hungry, and feeling gross as we head back to the hotel. I stare out the window, thinking about everything that still has to be done. There isn’t much left. The furniture, a dresser in her room I didn’t get to go through yet, and the bathroom cabinets. We should be able to finish it all tomorrow, and then we’ll just be killing time, while we wait for her to be released.
I still feel bad that they’re staying here with me, and I try to remind myself that it’s what they want. I’m glad they’re here, I don’t think I’d be handling things well at all without them. I take a drink of the soda Ben got for me at the store down the street from the apartment. When I sit it back down I see brown fingerprints on the white cup. Oh my God, gross. I washed my hands three times before we left and I’m still dirty. Just being in the apartment, dust clings to you. I can’t wait to get in the shower.
Thoughts of the shower bring to mind my shower with Jace this morning, and I feel my face heat. I’ve never been pushed so far, so quickly. I hadn’t even realized it was possible for a woman to get off so quickly, and while I’d heard guys talk about making a woman pass out, I always assumed it was just them trying to make themselves sound better than they were. In the case of Mike, I knew that to be the case. I’d overheard him one time telling one of his friends that he’d almost made me pass out the night before, and I remember rolling my eyes, thinking ‘boys and their egos’. I hadn’t even gotten off that night and he th
ought I almost passed out? From boredom, maybe.
This morning, passing out had felt like it was imminent. If he hadn’t changed his method when he had — I shiver thinking about it.
“Are you cold, Tiny?” Jace asks, turning up the heat.
“A little,” I answer, not wanting to raise suspicion with Ben in the truck.
He reaches over, squeezing my thigh, and, just like that, I wish there weren’t jeans between his skin and mine. Breathe. What the hell is wrong with you?
“You okay?” he asks.
“Yeah, just tired, and needing a shower.”
He looks over, a mischievous sparkle in his eyes, “Me too.”
I look away, smiling. I can’t get away with anything, he always seems to know what I’m thinking.
Ben asks if Jace has seen some movie where many, many things blow up and they debate the legitimacy of such a thing ever happening the rest of the way the hotel. I hold my grandmother’s necklace, marveling that it’s in my hand. I really thought my mother had pawned it, and since she didn’t, she must have kept it as a reminder. The knowledge that my mother was apparently capable of love weighs heavily on me, since it was never directed to me in any real way. I wonder if she kept it as a link to my grandmother or as her last memory of my grandfather. He always sounded like such a nice man, and my grandmother was never with anyone else after he died. She said she only got one love, and that’s all she would ever have.
My mom always laughed and said love wasn’t a real thing, and my grandmother would shake her head, saying it was the saddest thing she’d ever heard. I have the urge to call my mother and ask her about the necklace, then remember that I can’t.
CHAPTER 23
Back at the hotel, we go to our rooms, after discussing dinner plans. The only thing we decide on is that we’ll knock on Ben’s door when we’re ready because he doesn’t want to be left waiting for us while we’re ‘sleeping’.
“Do you want the shower first,” Jace asks, closing the door behind us.
Faith (Stregth Series Book 2) Page 24
