“Thank you, Jace.”
“Anything you need, I’m here for you, Baby,” he says, like he always does. It’s such a sweet sentiment, and every time he says it I believe it a little bit more.
“Aw. You guys are so sweet. You’re a great couple, can I put you in a book?” Toni asks. We laugh and Jace and I walk to the bedroom to go through what’s left.
Ben and Toni follow. “No, seriously, can I? Don’t just ignore me, if you don’t want me to I’ll just change the way you look and your names and you really won’t even know. Wait, why am I asking for permission? My story, I can do what I want— “
“Toni,” Ben says quietly.
“Right. Sorry. We’re here for Bay.”
Jace and Ben work on carrying the furniture downstairs and put it all on the sidewalk. There’s really nothing I want, except the necklace that I already found. There aren’t any pictures, or letters, or anything signaling to anyone that she had family at all, let alone a daughter.
Toni and I go through the clothes in the last dresser, throwing most of it away. It’s all t-shirts and holey jeans, and underwear it looks like she never even wore, but who wants possibly used underwear? Not me, for sure. I go to the bathroom, instructing Toni that if the last drawer is more of the same, to just throw it away.
When I come back she’s sitting on the floor, surrounded by multi-colored papers, with tears in her eyes. She looks up, “Bayleigh… these are all yours. The whole drawer is yours.”
In her hand is a turkey made from my handprint that I remember making in kindergarten. There’s a pasta necklace I made for her for Mother’s Day in first grade, and the class picture from third grade. The glued paper picture of a flower that I made for her birthday. A birthday card I gave her when I was ten. A picture of me on my grandmother’s lap, and another of me and my mom on a carousel. I look about three years old. I think everything I ever made for her is in this drawer. Toni gets up, handing me a large manila envelope with my name scrawled in shaky handwriting that I know is my mom’s.
I open it, pulling out a stack of newspaper clippings, pictures, and a letter with my name scrawled on the envelope. I sit down on the floor, going through the clippings first. The first one is my birth announcement, the next one is an article about a car accident that some twenty-six-year-old man was in. I flip it over, assuming I’m looking at the wrong side, but the other side is just a piece of an ad. I flip it back over, and read about Daniel Lassiter. He was driving too fast in the rain, and hit a barrier and light pole, totaling his car and ending up in critical condition. The next one is him as well, this time an obituary.
“Who’s that?” Toni asks.
I jump, having forgotten she was there. “I don’t know.”
There are newspaper clippings from my grandfather’s accident, his obituary, funeral cards. The same for my grandmother. There are pictures of my mom and Daniel Lassiter, who I recognize from his obituary picture. His arm around mom, her smiling up at him, with her hand on her stomach. Her very pregnant stomach. I dig through to find the clipping from his accident, heart pounding. When I find it, I read it through tears that I can’t stop. I can’t breathe. I feel Toni wrapped around me, “It’s okay sweetie, you’re alright,” she murmurs.
But I’m not alright. I’m not alright.
The four of us are sitting on the floor of the bedroom. They’re waiting for me to make a move. I managed to keep from going full dark, but I can’t bring myself to open the letter. Jace is to my left, his arm around my shoulders, Ben to my right, and Toni across from me. The pile of papers from the envelope is in the middle.
No one says anything for a long time. “It was your birthday, wasn’t it?” Toni asks.
I nod, “Yeah.”
“Did you know his name?” she asks.
“No. She told me she didn’t know who he was.”
Toni nods, understanding. “Looks like that was a lie, honey.”
“You think?” I ask, laughing despite my heartbreak. “Why would she do that? I don’t understand.”
“Maybe she explains in the letter,” Toni says.
I nod, picking it up, tracing my finger over my name, where it’s scrawled in her shaky writing, until I can’t see it anymore from the tears. Jace squeezes my shoulders, Ben puts his hand on my leg, and Toni gently takes the letter from me. “Do you want me to read it to you? Or do you want to wait until you can read it yourself?” she asks.
I’m grateful that she’s willing; I don’t think I’ll ever be able to see well enough to read it. “You can, please, if you don’t mind.”
“Okay,” she says, opening it. She scans it, her face falling. She gives Jace a pointed look, then licks her lips and begins.
“My Love, I know I wasn’t a good mother. I know that I made you feel like you didn’t matter, and I am so very sorry for that. It was never the case, which I hope you can see now, if you’re reading this.”
“Your father’s name was Daniel, and everything I have about him is here for you. I wanted to tell you about him so many times, but every time I thought about it, I couldn’t breathe. You remember how grandma always said we only get one love? He was mine. I was just eighteen when we met, and he was the usual bad boy. Everyone said he was never going to settle down, but he was. He bought us a house, and he was so excited about you. He wanted to be a daddy so much. Your daddy.” Toni’s voice breaks, and she swallows hard, wiping the tears out of her eyes, before she can continue.
“He was in such a hurry to meet his baby girl, so determined to be there, that he drove faster than he should have, and he died. They didn’t tell me until after you were born, that he had even been in an accident. Anyway, he loved you, and he wanted you, and so did I. I still do. I wish you were here, so I could try to tell you in person, but I understand that you don’t want to be. I wouldn’t want to either.”
“I didn’t treat you like a daughter, because I didn’t know how. I couldn’t see past the pain of losing Daniel for so long, and then it just seemed like it was too late. I know when I get to wherever I’m going, if he’s there, he’s going to kick my ass for not being strong enough to love you enough for both of us. You didn’t deserve to be raised the way you were. You raised yourself, and honey you did a damn good job. You’re beautiful, independent, strong, and I wish I had half the courage you do. Your daddy would be so proud of the woman you’ve become. I know I am, though I have no right to be since I didn’t have a hand in it.”
Jace squeezes me into him, and Ben moves closer to me, holding my hand, as Toni flips the letter over and continues.
“I know that I deserve what’s happening now, but you also deserve to know why it happened. I started drinking to dull the pain, as most people do, and then, after a while, I couldn’t handle even the tiniest thing without it. The men, I’m sorry you were exposed to that. I hate that I did that to you. I have no excuse for myself, other than trying to fill a void that couldn’t be filled. I was looking for something that couldn’t exist. Terrified to be alone, and terrified to let anything matter. I can’t change that now, but I want you to know that I wish, more than anything, that I could.”
“I know I have no right to give you advice, but since this will be my last chance to tell you anything, here goes. I’m so glad you left Mike. He’s a sweet kid, and I like him fine, but he was never going to be the kind of man you’d be happy with, truly happy. I didn’t have Daniel long, but I was the happiest I ever could have been when I met him. He was the kind of guy you didn’t really take home to your parents. He worked hard and played harder. When we met though, it was like coming home. I never told him I loved him, and I’ve regretted it my whole life. I was afraid. That’s what it comes down to. He told me he loved me all the time, but I was afraid that was the last thing he was waiting for, and once I told him he’d realize that it wasn’t what he really wanted. I never got to tell him. So, my advice is, find a man that makes you terrified that he’ll disappear as soon as you say the words, and then say them any
way.”
“Don’t regret anything. When you love someone say so, because after a while, you convince yourself that you don’t need to. That no one needs to hear the words, and, eventually, that you’re not good enough to love them anyway. So, say the words, baby, and be brave. Don’t live your life out of fear, like I did. Live your life from love, the way I should have. I love you, I will always love you. Mom.”
“P.S. I know you ran away when you were twelve. Remember the first night? When you woke up with Charlie? I put him there. I know you thought you had remembered him and found him in your sleep, but it was me. I kept an eye on you the whole time. I don’t know why I acted like I never noticed. I thought I was doing what you needed, but I never seemed to know what that was. I do love you Bayleigh. I’m sorry that it wasn’t enough.”
Jace pulls me into him as the tears fall, and I hear Toni sniffling, then shuffling as her and Ben leave the room. He doesn’t say anything, just holds me and strokes my hair as I try to process everything she said. I do remember the first night, and I remember waking up with Charlie, my little teddy bear with the hound’s tooth bow-tie that I slept with every night as a child. My grandmother gave him to me, and I loved that bear. And she loved me. It doesn’t change anything, really, but it’s a relief to have the answers. To know, for sure, that it wasn’t me. She didn’t hate me.
I sit up, wiping my eyes, and can’t miss the surprised look on Jace’s face. “You okay?” he asks.
“I am. I really am. I don’t want to do the Potter’s Field thing, Jace, and I know that this trip is costing you a lot, but I really want to have a funeral for her. You’ve already done so much — “
“Anything you need, Tiny, I’m here for you. I love you, I’ll do anything you need me to. Always. All you have to do is say.”
“I love you too, Jace. I’m in love with you. My mom was right, I was scared that if I said it you’d realize it wasn’t as great as you thought, but it doesn’t matter now. All that matters is that you know it. I love you, Jace.”
“Thank God,” he says, pulling me in for a kiss.
CHAPTER 26
The last three and a half weeks have passed in a blur of arrangements, and signing papers, while waiting for her body to be released. They were more backed up than anyone thought, so we’ve been here much longer than we ever thought we would be. The hotel is beautiful, but I’m ready to go home. The four of us are outside of the funeral home, waiting for the doors to open. Jace has handled most of the arrangements, although I picked out her casket, a lovely hand-carved maple.
I won’t be able to see her, as she was left too long before being found and requires a closed casket. I’m struggling with that. I feel guilty, like I should have been there, but Jace keeps telling me that she understood, and that I left for my own protection. He reminds me that knowing she did love me doesn’t change the toxic relationship we had. I know he’s right, so I’m trying hard to remember it.
He’s been wonderful. I didn’t think he could be any more attentive than he has been, but he’s proven me wrong again and again. I wrap my hand around the pendant on my necklace. Jace took my grandmothers necklace and the heart necklace to a jeweler. They added a ring, so now my grandfather’s angel hangs in the center of Jace’s heart. I cried a lot when he brought me that. The happiest tears I’ve ever cried.
Falling asleep next to him, and waking up next to him are the best parts of my day. The sex is pretty amazing too. Sometimes it’s sweet and slow, sometimes rough and needy, but it’s always amazing. He’s gotten over his fear of hurting me, and I love it when he loses control. I feel my face heating just thinking about it.
Despite the circumstances and my nerves, I feel better than I have since starting the meds. I actually feel almost normal, and level, which strikes me as odd, given the situation. Doctor James wanted blood work two weeks ago, so Jace took me to a local office. I’ve officially been completely off of medications for nine days. It’s an odd feeling, not having to worry about when I took my pills, and knowing that I’m ‘better’ now. And physically, I do feel better, mostly, but my mind, that’s a whole other problem. It’s just nerves and the stress of it all, though. It’ll pass.
I use my hands to smooth the new, and more appropriate, black dress that Toni and I bought last night. She decided we needed a girls’ night, and we went out to dinner, then we went to the mall. Jace gave me his credit card, and told me to buy whatever I wanted, but I wasn’t going to use it. I still feel weird about spending his money, even though I’ve been doing it for months. It’s different when you know you’re doing it, though. I couldn’t argue when Toni asked me what I was wearing to the funeral and I told her I was wearing what I had on the night we met. She quickly pointed out that wasn’t going to work, and when I told her about the sweater, she laughed at me, dragging me into the store. It’s a pretty dress, modest, with crochet accents. I kept the boots though. She’s an excellent sale hunter, so I don’t feel too awful about what I spent.
She still insists that her and Ben are just friends that get naked together, but I see the way he looks at her. She and I have grown quite close, the four of us spending most of our time together the last few weeks. I wonder how long it’s going to take for her to decide if she’s coming to New York with us. I really want her to. I think her and Ben could have something amazing, given enough time.
The guys are both wearing black pants, black shoes, and black dress shirts with black ties, and look a little like mobsters. Very handsome mobsters. Toni is wearing a dark gray sweater dress with black boots and a black shrug. It accents her curves, and I wish I had curves like that. I don’t think it’s just her curves though, it’s her confidence. She doesn’t wait to be asked to belong somewhere, she just… belongs. She embraces her quirks, and is totally fearless. I watch her whisper something in Ben’s ear and he smiles, turning to kiss her on the cheek. She’s good for him.
The white door opens, and a miniscule man in a dark suit lets us in. He’s very somber as he directs us to the left. The casket is on a stand, with so many flowers it takes my breath away. There can’t have been this many people that knew her, let alone sent flowers.
I walk up to a huge arrangement of lilies and see that they’re from Jace. I smile as I smell them. They’re for her, but I know they’re for me too. I check the card on a massive spray of mixed flowers and they have his name on them too. “Thank you,” I say when he puts his arm around me.
“Anytime, Love. Anything.” I lean my head against his chest. This is home. I can handle anything with him next to me.
“Bayleigh, I’m so sorry, sweetheart,” a voice says to the left of us. I look up and am immediately bear-hugged by Alex. The tears flow, with no control. She’s here.
“Lex. You didn’t have to come.” I say, trying my best not to ruin her shirt.
“Oh please, of course I did. Of course, we almost didn’t make it since Jace didn’t tell any of us until three days ago. There was a lot to get in order for all of us to make it.”
“I’m sorry, I should have said something earlier, I know. I didn’t want anyone to worry, and there wasn’t anything you could do. It was a mistake, and I’m sorry,” Jace says.
“It’s alright, I forgive you. Your mom may be another story, though.”
“We’ll talk about it later,” Sharon says. I look up, stunned. Jace’s mom is here. Oh my God, Jace’s mom is here.
“Mrs. Morris. Thank you so much for coming. I never expected — “
“My name is Sharon, or mom. No one calls me Mrs. Morris” —she pulls me into a hug and I’m enveloped in Lavender— “and don’t you thank me. Family shows up, sweetheart, and you’re our family. So, we showed up.”
She’s a tall, trim, woman with ash blonde hair and the lightest blue eyes I’ve seen. She’s wearing a simple black dress and black heels that make her almost as tall as Chance, who is standing next to her.
His eyes are the color of a cloudy day, his chipped tooth showing in a crooked smi
le as he pulls me in, away from his mother. “Hey, sis, I’m so sorry, honey.” He’s a little shorter than Jace, but built about the same, and when he hugs me, I start crying again. He called me sis. He kisses the top of my head, then holds me away from him so he can look at me. “It’s good to see you. You holding up okay?”
I nod, as Jace’s arm goes around my shoulders. “We’re taking care of her. She’s getting better every day.”
Chance hugs his brother lightly, “Glad to hear it.”
I notice Martin, Jace’s dad, by the door talking to Ben. Sharon wanders over to them and hugs Ben. I can see the surprise on his face, then he closes his eyes, and I wonder if she gives him the same motherly feeling she gave me.
“Whose badass Hellcat is that outside?” Chance asks.
“Is it his?” Alex asks pointing to Ben.
Jace and I laugh. “No, it’s Toni’s,” I answer.
“Who’s Tony?” Chance asks.
Toni’s husky voice comes from behind me, “Did I hear my name?” she asks, moving next to me. She holds her hand out to shake hands with Alex, then Chance in turn. “Hi, I’m Toni, with an I, not a Y. Don’t tell me, you’re Alex, I’d know you anywhere. You’re even prettier than I imagined. And you have to be Chance, you look just like your brother. Your parents must have found some amazing fertilizer to feed you two. Maybe I should go to Tennessee next, they’re growing them hot down there, you know what I’m sayin’?”
I laugh, but I can see that Alex doesn’t know if she should be worried about her or not, which, if she could see the way Chance looks at her it wouldn’t even be a consideration, but I call Ben over to make her feel better. As soon as he comes over, he kisses Toni on the cheek, and wraps his arm around her and Alex visibly relaxes. Martin and Sharon follow Ben and the next ten minutes are spent with them all making introductions and explaining who people are.
Faith (Stregth Series Book 2) Page 28
