I wander over by the casket, imagining my mom the way I saw her last, yelling at me for making the guy leave and take her beer. It’s overlaid by the image of her smiling up at Daniel in the picture, and I can’t get them to reconcile in my mind. Losing my dad took everything she had. I can hear them all laughing behind me and I’m glad they’re here. I’m glad they’re happy, and even though I’m taking this moment to myself, knowing they’re here makes this so much easier.
Of course, I’m still worried about what his parents will think of our situation once they figure that out. I wonder if he’s already told them. I hope he has. I’m not sure how much awkward I can handle today. Alex and Toni laugh, and I’m relieved that Alex is warming up to Toni.
A hand on my shoulder startles me, and I turn around, faced with familiar brown eyes. “I’m sorry about your mom, Bay Bay,” he says pulling me into a hug. Shock has me frozen like a statue, and then Jace grabs him and spins him away from me.
“I don’t know who you are, but I’m the only that gets to call her ‘Baby’. I suggest you back up.”
Mike is much smaller than Jace, and his stunned expression changes to one of open hostility. “I didn’t call her ‘Baby’, I called her ‘Bay Bay’ which is what I’ve always called her. I’m her ex, Mike, and I’m just here to pay my condolences, so don’t be a dick.”
“It’s okay, Jace. He didn’t upset me, I was just surprised,” I say, putting my hand on his arm.
He relaxes a little. “Sorry, I know she wasn’t treated very well here. I didn’t know who you were.”
“She was never mistreated by me, so chill, man. As far as suggestions, keep your hands to yourself, that’s mine.” Mike says, still hostile.
I know Mike feels threatened, and when he feels threatened he’s more aggressive than he means to be. He’s always been that way.
Martin steps up behind him, “I know you’re surprised, and so were we when we saw you touch her. I’m going to need you to calm down though. This is a funeral, not a bar, and you’re welcome to stay if Bayleigh wants you here, but you’re going to settle down.”
Mike turns to him and his gaze travels up, up, up, to Martin’s gray eyes. He backs up a step as he surveys the men around him, Chance, and Ben now having joined Jace and Martin, all of them standing shoulder to shoulder. They are a wall of muscle around him. He laughs, “Jesus, Bayleigh, did you climb a beanstalk and bring the giants down?”
There’s a moment of stunned silence, and then the room fills with laughter. “Something like that,” Ben says.
Relief floods through me. Mike isn’t a bad guy and I appreciate him coming. I don’t want anyone to get hurt. A wave of nausea hits me, and I run for the bathroom. I’m glad the room is empty, not wanting anyone to know that I’m throwing up. I know Jace will worry about me and I don’t want that. When I come out of the stall, Sharon is leaning against the wall. I didn’t even hear her come in.
“You okay, sweetheart?” she asks, grinning.
“Yes, thank you. It’s just stress, and coming off all the meds I think. It’s all so exhausting. Wait no, that makes my mother’s death sound like an inconvenience and I don’t mean it that way. We just didn’t have a very good relationship and I’ve learned some things that make me sad she couldn’t tell me when she was still here.” I realize I’m babbling, and cup cold water in my hand, rinsing my mouth with it, then turning on warm, and washing my hands.
She just stands there, smiling. I feel like she’s waiting for something, but I don’t know what it is. “Um, thank you so much for coming, it really is very sweet of you all to make the trip. I know I’ve cost your son a lot and I want you to know that I didn’t know any of it for a long — “
“We’re not going to have that conversation, sweetheart. My boys have grown into handsome, kind, generous, loving, stubborn as hell men, and I couldn’t be prouder of either of them. Jace makes his own decisions, and I’m confident that I’ve raised him well enough to make the best ones for himself. No one could have stopped him from doing what he’s done. He fell in love with you as soon as you walked through Chance’s front door. It just took him a little while to realize it.”
“What?” I ask. I’m hallucinating. Audible hallucinations, I think that’s what they’re called.
“I’m his mother, and I know that man better than he’ll ever know himself. He’s never formed any kind of attachment, never felt the need to be protective of any woman other than me, until Alex. He loves that girl like a sister and has since the moment he met her. I knew he was growing up, and I was hopeful that he’d settle down at some point, but I knew he wasn’t ready. Now, that’s not to say he hurt women, he wouldn’t do that either, and while I won’t say I’ve approved of his methods of, well, we’ll call it dating, but we both know he’s never dated, but he was happy, and from what I’ve heard, so were they. They’re very different, my boys. Chance has always wanted a family, has always held people close and formed attachments quickly, but Jace was never that way. He was a confirmed bachelor, and Alex gave me a little bit of hope, the way he attached to her, but not too much.”
Nausea is rising again, but I’m trying hard to listen, and I don’t want to throw up while she’s talking. She walks over to the stall and opens the door, gesturing to me to go in, “I’ll wait,” she says smiling.
Permission is all it takes for the bile to rise again. There isn’t much left in my stomach, and it’s humiliating, her waiting outside the door while I dry heave. I hear a knock on the main door, then Jace’s voice asking if I’m okay. “She’s fine. We’re talking, I’ve got her.” Sharon says. Jace asks if he should get Alex or Toni. “No, I’ve got her, like I said. Now go away and tell everyone to use the other bathroom for a while.” I hear the door close.
I breathe deep, seemingly okay for now. I flush the toilet, and hear water running. When I come out, she reaches out, pulling me over to the little sitting area, and pushes a damp paper towel to my forehead. The coolness feels wonderful, and I’m grateful. This is what mothers do.
“You good?” she asks. I nod, and she continues. “So, as I was saying, Alex gave me hope. Well, that’s not exactly true. The first thing that gave me hope was that beautiful house he built. You don’t spend most of your free time for over a year building a house that was made for a family, with your own hands, if you don’t plan on having one.”
“I’ve never been there.” I say.
“You haven’t? Why not?” she asks.
“He said I was comfortable at Chance’s and he didn’t want to overwhelm me until I was ready.”
She considers that for a moment. “Are you ready now?”
“I think so. He says he loves me, and it feels like he loves me. I know I love him, and I’m not really sure what to do about it. He says he’s going to marry me.”
“He proposed?” She asks, her eyes wide.
Ah. There it is, the shock that he would do that. Now I know where I am. “No, he said that when he proposes there won’t be any question about whether or not he’s proposing, but that he’s not going to take no for an answer. I understand if you don’t app— “
She laughs, loudly, and it startles me into looking up. “I knew when he got around to loving someone he was going to be something special. There’s just no way you could even consider telling him no. Please tell me you’re not going to say no, Bayleigh. I couldn’t approve more if I made you myself.”
“I was going to say that I understand if you don’t approve, but I don’t think he’ll let me say no, and I really don’t want to. I do love him.”
She leans down, hugging me, “I’m so glad to hear that! Now, please, end my misery and tell me when you’re due.”
“Huh? Oh, we didn’t get anyone to say anything, it’s just more of a viewing and then we’ll go to the burial and the guy said he’ll say a prayer for her there. We’re not really religious or anything, so I don’t have to be back out there or anything.”
She stares at me for a long moment,
then sits down next to me, taking my hand. “No, Bayleigh, when is the baby due?”
“What baby? Oh! Is Alex pregnant again?” I ask, excited. At least I can live through her.
She clears her throat, looks at me like I’m stupid, which, yeah, I kind of feel like I am right now. “No. I mean yes, but don’t tell her I told you. She’ll want to tell you herself. I mean your baby. Yours and Jace’s. When is your baby due?”
Okay. Now I get it. My excitement about Alex is dulled by what I have to do now. She assumes I’m pregnant because Jace said he’s going to marry me. This sucks.
“Um. Well, I really didn’t imagine having this conversation already, certainly not today, in a bathroom, but I can’t have kids, Sharon. I’m sorry. Sorrier than you know, because it’s my fault and I always imagined having kids. I love kids, and it broke my heart when Jace said he wanted kids, and I had to tell him that I can’t. It’s a long story, and I don’t think I can tell it today. I mean, I will, explain I mean, if you want to know, but I can’t have kids.”
She nods. “What did Jace say when you told him?”
“Oh. Well, when I told him, I guess I had a breakdown or something, I was having a bad mental reaction to one of the medications it turns out, but I hit him and apparently, um, kept screaming that I was going to kill myself” — she looks shocked, but I force myself to look down and keep going — “I’m really sorry that I hurt him. I didn’t know it was him, I don’t know how to describe it, but I kept telling myself he wasn’t the kind of guy that wanted kids and I could convince myself that I didn’t either if I tried hard enough, but then he said he wanted kids and I broke.”
She puts her arm around my shoulders. “Okay. And after that? What did he say about you not being able to have kids?” she asks.
Tears well and spill over, before I can stop them and I swipe at them angrily. “He said it doesn’t matter. That if I want kids, we’ll have kids, whether we adopt, or get a surrogate, or whatever we have to do. If I want them, we’ll have them. And, if I decide I can’t do that, he’ll just dote on Cadan, and any others that come after him. He said all he needs is me, and whatever I want to do is what we’ll do.” I look up and she’s crying too. I feel bad. I made his mom cry.
“I have raised amazing men. Excuse me, I just need a second to pat myself on the back here, because he’s such a good boy. Always has been. A little wild, a little unconventional, a little too good-looking for his own good, and I’ve spent plenty of nights worried about him. I can stop doing that now. He’s a good man. Thank you for loving him.”
I don’t know what to say to that really, so I just sit there. She wipes her eyes, smiling at me. “Honey, when the doctors told you there wouldn’t be babies in your future, what was their reason?”
“Um. Something about too much scarring and I wouldn’t be able to get pregnant.”
She nods. “So, it stands to reason then that if you did get pregnant, you might be high risk and so you should get to a doctor as soon as possible, right?”
“Oh, I’m sorry, Sharon, please don’t get your hopes up. I would love nothing more than to give the world a little Jace, but that’s just not going to be an option.”
“Bayleigh? How long have you been getting sick?” she asks.
“Only a few days. It’s just the stress. I’ll be okay.” It’s so sweet that she’s worried. Maybe this is what having a mother who isn’t all wrapped up in her own pain feels like.
“And, forgive me, but when was the first time you slept with Jace?”
I feel the heat climb up my neck. “Um… a little over a month ago maybe? No, three weeks? I don’t know exactly, I’m sorry. So much has happened.”
She nods, understanding. “I know, I’m sorry. Just one more question, when was your last period?” she asks.
I think about that, for a while. Trying to remember. “Um, about five weeks ago? No, six. I think. The medication messed everything up and I haven’t really been paying attention.”
“So, did you and Jace use protection?” she asks. Oh my God. This is so awkward. She’s waiting for an answer and I don’t see any way out of this.
“Well, the first time, no, because we were a little, um, caught up, and then after that… I mean, we’ve both been tested, and we’re monogamous, and since I can’t have kids. I know that sounds really irresponsible. I’m sorry. I was tested though, I wouldn’t hurt him.”
She laughs again, that uncontrolled, delighted laughter that makes me smile even though I know she’s laughing at me, and it’s not particularly funny, but I smile anyway.
“Bayleigh? Listen, honey. Forget that you can’t have kids for a second and just listen. You’ve been having unprotected sex with my son, it’s been five or six weeks since you had your period, and you’ve been nauseous for three days. If I was talking about Alex, what would you say?” She’s grinning like a fool.
“I would say she should take a pregnancy test, but I can’t have…” Wait. “Am I pregnant?”
“Well sweetheart, I’m not a doctor, but I’ve had two of my own, and I’ve been helping Alex through her morning sickness the whole time she’s been at my house. I think I know what it looks like, but I’m going to call Alex in here. I bet she still has a pregnancy test buried in her diaper bag.”
We’re waiting. Sharon is sitting next to me, Alex is leaning against the wall next to me, with her hand on my shoulder, and Toni is leaning against a sink. Toni is watching her phone as it counts down three minutes, and I’m just trying to breathe. The guys must think we’ve all lost our minds.
I’m sure it’s going to be negative, and I don’t want to think about the possibility of anything else. There are three tests lined up on the sink, facedown, next to Toni. Sharon and Alex made me take all three that Alex had at once, even though I told them it’s silly to waste them. I feel like the little girl who cried wolf. Like an imposter. I know that I can’t be pregnant, but there was no way Sharon was going to let it go. I got caught up in the moment when she pointed it all out and I hoped for just a second, and now everyone is going to be so much sadder than they already were. Not to mention that this is supposed to be my mother’s funeral and somehow, it’s become about me.
“Okay. They’re done,” Toni says. I try to ignore the excitement in her voice.
“Time to look,” Sharon says.
I shake my head, “I’m sorry, I can’t do it. One of you have to do it. I don’t want to see what I know I’m going to see.”
“Okay. There are three of us, and three tests. What do you say we all look at one on the count of three?” Toni suggests.
Sharon and Alex walk right over, each woman picking up a test, and they stand in front of me. Toni counts to three, and I look at the floor. I don’t hear anything. I know what that means. I swipe at the stupid tears that won’t stop, hating the world, and force myself to look up. They all have tears on their faces and I feel awful.
Then Sharon smiles, and all three of them say, “Congratulations!” and grab me up in a group hug.
I push them away, “Wait. No. Really?” I ask.
They’re all laughing and smiling, and when they hold them up, it’s clear. All three of the tests are positive, and they’re not even a close call; the lines are as dark as they could possibly be.
I cover my face with my hands, and would crumble to the floor if it wasn’t for them holding me up. They get me back to the chair they pulled me out of a minute ago, and Toni kneels in front of me, wiping my tears with her thumbs while her own stream down her cheeks unchecked. “You’re going to have a baby, sweetie. This is amazing. It’s so awesome, I’m so happy for you! I am definitely coming to New York now, I can’t wait to meet this baby!” she gushes.
It’s all happiness and joy, and I’m so excited. I never thought this could happen. Sharon hugs me, and she’s so happy. It’s wonderful. Alex gushes about how much fun it’s going to be to be pregnant at the same time, making me laugh. And then I remember that I have to tell Jace.
&n
bsp; “What’s wrong?” Sharon asks, taking my hand.
“Jace said he wanted kids someday, and that I had plenty of time to decide. He wants them down the road. Not now. Oh my God. This is going to be awful. What am I going to do?”
She laughs, “Sweetheart, I know Jace. He’s going to be over the moon, don’t you worry about that. In fact, we’re going to leave you, and I’m going to send Jace in here. The sooner he knows the better. You certainly don’t need the extra stress of worrying about it. Okay?”
I nod, hoping she’s right, terrified that she isn’t, and backed into a corner with no way out. “We’ll just tell him you want to talk to him. We won’t tell him anything,” Alex says.
“We love you, and we’ll be right out here. Everything will be fine, he loves you. There’s nothing to worry about,” Sharon says.
“All true. You need us, you just yell. We’re here for you, Bay,” Toni says, giving me a thumbs up and a gleeful smile.
They all file out the door, and I try not to think about climbing out of the window while I wait for Jace.
CHAPTER 27
The door opens and I take a deep breath, but still feel like I don’t have any air in my lungs. He comes in, immediately seeing that I’ve been crying. He kneels in front of me, his hands on either side of my face, and uses his thumbs to wipe them away. “What’s wrong, Baby? Is it Mike? I can make him leave if he’s bothering you,” he says.
I try to say no, but my voice won’t work, so I shake my head instead. He pulls me into his chest, “Baby, whatever it is, you can tell me. It’s okay. You can tell me anything,” he says. He pulls me away, so he can see my face, his eyes full of pain. “Do you miss Mike? You can tell me. I won’t kill him. I’ll think about it, but I won’t do it.”
He’s making a joke, but his eyes say he’s really afraid this is what’s wrong with me. The absurdity of it gives me my voice, and I laugh. His eyes widen, then he laughs too. “Thank you, God. I mean, I think I’m the better choice, but I know you guys have history so…”
Faith (Stregth Series Book 2) Page 29
