I was glad I’d had my time alone with Max first to observe our tradition, but I found I didn’t mind sharing him now. In fact, it was so lovely to watch him smiling and laughing, having fun with others, after the awful gloom of the last few months.
Maybe this Christmas would be a watershed, a chance for us to start fresh and move on. And if that was all I took away from this strange second Christmas with Aiden… well, it would be more than last time, at least.
‘Mum says I’m not old enough to read your books, Aiden. I think I am. What do you think?’ Max’s question pulled me out of my own thoughts and back to the snow animals.
Aiden looked at me before answering. ‘I reckon your mum probably knows that best, mate. Sorry. But, you know, I’ve got a book of short stories that might be okay for you – if your mum agrees, of course.’
Max swung round to look at me with pleading eyes.
‘I’ll read them first,’ I said, hoping they weren’t too gruesome. ‘If I don’t get nightmares, you can read them.’
‘You’ll be fine,’ Aiden assured me. ‘They’re no worse than Lovecraft.’
‘Lovecraft?’ Max asked.
‘Lovecraft was the master,’ Aiden told him. ‘You’ll love him. More horror than my stuff. Caro’s a fan, aren’t you?’
And they were off, lost in a world of fishmen and other creatures.
H. P. Lovecraft. It had been years since I’d read his stories – probably not since I’d discussed them with Aiden that Christmas, in fact. But I hadn’t forgotten them. In fact, there was a wrapped short story collection under the tree for Max, not that he knew it yet.
‘Breakfast is served!’ Tony’s voice echoed out from the back door, and I turned to see him standing there in his elf apron again. ‘Best come get it before the others beat you to it.’
‘We just need to finish our elephant,’ Aiden called back.
‘And maybe build Cthulhu,’ Caro added.
I shook my head. I knew when I was beat. ‘I’m going in to get changed into something less snowy,’ I told them, and headed inside, leaving them arguing about tentacles.
I didn’t spend too long making myself presentable. I knew if I made too much of an effort, Mum would only assume that it was for Aiden, and glare at me all through breakfast. Of course, if I didn’t make enough of an effort, she’d accuse me of being disrespectful to our hosts. It was a delicate line to walk.
Personally, I had no intention of drawing any attention at all, I decided, as I pulled on my knitted Fair Isle dress over a thick pair of woolly tights. Better just to wait the day out and get the hell away from Rosewood before I could make anything worse.
Of course, the idea of leaving without another moment alone with Aiden made my insides ache, especially after seeing him with Max that morning, but that was just something I was going to have to live with. I’d managed it for the last fourteen years. How hard could one more day be?
I wasn’t going to deny that there was something still between us. But even he couldn’t believe that this was the right time to do anything about it. I hoped.
Tony had laid on a magnificent Christmas Day breakfast of things that didn’t involve too much cooking. ‘I’m all about the main event today, I’m afraid,’ he explained, as I eyed the massive pile of warm croissants and pastries, the jam, the cold meats, the smoked salmon, the bagels, the fruit platters and the yogurts. ‘You’ll just have to make do with this, while I get on with the turkey.’ He disappeared back into the kitchen.
Presents, Therese informed me in between bites of pain au chocolat, didn’t officially happen until after breakfast. But, tentacled snow-deity built, Caro and Max had dragged their overstuffed stockings through from the drawing room and were unwrapping silly, small gifts as they ate. Ellie and Greg were helping Nicolette open her tiny stocking, too.
Aiden was nowhere to be seen.
Which was a good thing, I reminded myself. He was probably getting changed, too, and it made it a lot easier to resist kissing him if he wasn’t even there.
Once everyone had finished eating, we made our way back through to the massive hallway, where the oversized tree appeared to have given birth to a huge pile of presents overnight. One by one, they were all handed out, oohed over, and thank yous said. Fortunately, there were so many people and so many presents that no one really had time to do more than shout their appreciation into the melee, over the sound of wrapping paper being ripped off.
I felt strangely nervous as Mum handed out the gifts we’d brought – especially the one for Saskia. The others were mostly generic, inoffensive gifts, but I’d spent hours agonising over the perfect thing for Saskia. She’d be my sister-in-law soon enough – I suspected – and I wanted to make a good impression.
‘Oh! It’s gorgeous!’ Saskia threw her arms around me within seconds of making it through the wrapping paper, and relief flooded through me.
‘It’s a travel journal,’ I explained. ‘For when you go back out on tour with the book.’
‘It’s perfect,’ Saskia assured me.
‘Max?’ Edward called. ‘This one’s yours, mate.’
Max took it and checked the label. ‘From you, Mum.’ He shook it, and felt the edges. ‘Definitely a book – big surprise there.’
‘You love books,’ I pointed out, and he shot me a cheeky grin.
‘And you love to buy them.’ Which was true. Every year I bought him something special in hardback. Another tradition I’d managed to keep up.
Maybe I wasn’t doing as badly as I thought.
Max ripped off the paper and read the spine. ‘H. P. Lovecraft… how did you know?’ Caro squealed as she read over his shoulder.
‘I’m a mind reader,’ I told him. ‘It’s one of the many requirements for being a mother.’
Max rolled his eyes, but he kept the book close, already reading the first story. I decided that counted as a victory.
‘And this one’s for Aiden,’ Edward said, checking a label. ‘Where is he, anyway?’ He looked automatically to me, and I shrugged.
‘I think the kids wore him out building snow animals.’
‘He’ll be down soon enough, I’m sure,’ Saskia said. ‘Now, what’s this one? Oh! It’s for me.’
Edward grabbed the small gift from her hands and held it against his chest. ‘Yes it is. From me.’
‘So… are you going to give it to me?’ Saskia asked, after a long moment in which he seemed disinclined to do any such thing.
‘Yes. Of course. Absolutely.’ A smile crept onto my lips at my brother’s obvious unsettledness. Edward was usually the calm, collected one. To see him this flustered… well, I had a very good idea what had to be in that box to cause it.
Edward glanced around the hallway, as if counting heads, checking that everyone was there. ‘Right then.’ In one swift movement, he dropped down to one knee, and a squeal went up from the corner where Therese and Isabelle were standing, both wearing the scarves I’d bought for them over their Christmas Day dresses.
‘Oh God,’ Saskia moaned. ‘In front of everybody?’
‘We don’t have any more secrets, remember?’ Edward said, smiling up at her. ‘Now, if you’re ready.’
‘Hang on!’ Tony cried. ‘Let me get the camera.’
‘There’s one on your phone, Dad,’ Caro reminded him. ‘In your apron pocket.’
‘Right, right.’ Tony patted his pocket until he found it, and Caro took it from him to open the camera app and frame the photo.
‘Okay,’ Caro said. ‘Go ahead.’
‘Saskia, I know this must come as a huge surprise to you at this point,’ Edward said, and everyone chuckled – but not loud enough to interrupt him. ‘But I want you to know how much I love you. How much better my life is for having you in it. And how much I want to spend the rest of that life with you.’
‘Even if it also means spending it with this lot?’ Saskia asked, and it only half sounded like she was joking.
‘You’re worth it,’ Edward said
, and she bent down and kissed him, then whispered something in his ear.
Edward beamed, and tore the wrapping paper off the ring box, tugging out the ring and placing it firmly on Saskia’s finger.
My heart felt so big I was scared it might burst; then I looked up and saw Aiden watching from the stairs and I was afraid it already had.
His dark hair was tousled and damp, like he’d just stepped out of the shower. He turned his head and met my gaze, but I looked away before he could read anything in it. I didn’t trust my eyes to tell him the line we’d agreed on.
As everyone swarmed around the happy couple to congratulate them, I slipped out through the front door and stood shivering on the steps, wishing for half a moment that I hadn’t given up smoking so many years ago. I knew it wouldn’t take long for someone to follow me – I just hoped it wouldn’t be Aiden. Supervised snow animal building was one thing. But I wasn’t ready to be alone with him just yet.
Of course, he wouldn’t chase me twice. Not after last time.
And now here we were with another early morning engagement – this one far more likely to last, I decided. Saskia and Edward would live happily ever after. And so would Max, and so would Darren, and so would I, eventually.
And so would Aiden, with someone who always believed in him, always put him first, and was willing to take the risk of falling so deeply in love with him that they lost everything else. I just hoped I wouldn’t be expected to watch when that happened.
The front door opened, and Edward stepped out, two champagne flutes in his hand. He passed one to me, then leant against the wall beside me.
‘Congratulations.’ I raised my glass to clink against his, then took a sip. It was the good stuff. They certainly knew how to celebrate at Rosewood. ‘I know you’re going to be really happy. And I…’ I turned to smile at him. ‘Honestly, Edward, I’m just so damned happy for you.’
‘Really? And that’s why you’re out here, instead of celebrating in there?’ He didn’t sound angry at least. Just concerned.
‘Sorry. I’m not… I don’t want to cause a scene, or be the bitter divorcée at the engagement party. I just… needed a moment.’
‘I can understand that,’ Edward said. ‘But… be honest. It’s nothing to do with Darren, really, is it?’
I looked down at my feet. I should have put shoes on before going outside. Even the woolliest tights couldn’t do much against cold stone in winter. ‘Look. About what you saw last night…’
‘I always wondered about that Christmas you didn’t come home, you know,’ Edward interrupted. ‘I mean, I knew you were working, but you’d planned to get the train home just for Christmas Day. But then you called and said there were cancellations and delays and you weren’t going to make it. Dad almost drove all the way up there to fetch you, until it started snowing and Mum banned him. But I always wondered if it had something to do with Aiden.’
‘He never told you, did he? I mean, he promised he wouldn’t.’
‘He never told me a thing,’ Edward confirmed. ‘Not even now. Although apparently he did tell my fiancée, which is something we’ll be talking about later. Saskia filled me in last night.’
I let out a long breath. ‘I had a feeling she knew.’
‘So, what? You had a two-week long fling with my best friend, then got engaged to your boyfriend the next day and never mentioned it again?’ I winced. Put like that, it really didn’t sound good.
‘Basically. Although, I should point out that Darren and I were broken up before the Christmas holidays.’
‘Until he came back and proposed.’
‘Yeah. Until that.’
‘Right. And you never thought about mentioning this to me?’ Disappointment rung out from his words.
I laughed. ‘Seriously? No! You were my little brother. You did not need to know about me and Aiden spending two weeks –’
‘Okay! Never mind. Point taken.’ He grinned at me and for a second he was that little boy again – the one who’d annoyed me all through my childhood, but grown up into someone I loved, respected and adored.
My brother. ‘I’m so lucky to have you,’ I told him, slipping an arm through his and pulling him close.
‘Yes you are.’ He rescued his champagne glass at the last second by switching it to the other hand. ‘So here’s some brotherly advice. On the house.’
‘This house? I’m not sure it’ll help.’
‘It will if you let it,’ he assured me. ‘All I want in the world is for you to be as happy as I am right now. And, deep down, you know that’s all Mum wants too. Even Max. And… you’re allowed to move on, Freya. Darren cheated on you, he left you, and you get to have your own life now. He doesn’t deserve another moment of your time. Aiden, much as it pains me, might.’
I let go of his arm, slowly. ‘That’s not what this is about.’ Because as much as Edward might talk about moving on, he didn’t know the truth – that I’d been given a chance to take Darren back, and I hadn’t. That I’d given up on my marriage.
And even if I hadn’t… would starting something with Aiden really be moving forward? Or just looking back nostalgically to the person I used to be? The last thing I wanted was to be some pathetic divorcée reliving her glory days and embarrassing her son.
If I was going to move on, I had to do just that. I couldn’t afford to waste time looking backwards – not when I had a new future to build for Max. And maybe even for me.
‘Just… talk to him, okay?’ Edward asked. ‘Because quite honestly, the only other time I ever saw him look as miserable as he did this morning was the day I told him you and Darren were getting married.’
Ouch. ‘I will,’ I promised. ‘Just… not yet.’
Edward nodded. ‘Okay. Well, dinner isn’t for hours. What do you want to do now?’
I looked back inside the house. Merriment was continuing. Max and Caro were sitting on the lower steps of the staircase, pouring over the Lovecraft book. It occurred to me that I’d barely seen his tablet since we arrived. In fact, I hadn’t even checked my email on my phone. Clearly Rosewood gave off anti-electronic vibes, or something.
Which made me think of another Christmas Day tradition I wanted to keep.
‘Actually… could you fetch me my boots?’ I asked. ‘I think I might take a walk.’
Chapter Seven
The Rosewood estate was vast – certainly to someone who’d grown up in a three-bed house with a postage stamp garden, and moved to a Victorian terrace in south London that cost more money than I’d ever dreamt of spending and still barely had enough out back for a patch of grass and a couple of pots.
The December air was frosty, and the grass either side of the path glistened white with unbroken snow – until I turned the corner towards the back of the house and our snow menagerie came into view, now complete with a snow-Cthulhu. I smiled to myself as I took the path away from the main house, down along the trees and towards the woods.
Every Christmas Day since I left university, I’d made a point of getting out for a walk after breakfast, whatever the weather. If it was sunny and bright, or snowy, I’d take Max with me. But sometimes it was just me, just for twenty minutes in between food preparations and tidying up wrapping paper. It was the most important Christmas ritual I had.
And it had started with Aiden, that first Christmas together.
Like every other year, I let myself sink into the memories – of the snowball he’d tossed at me when I was least expecting it, of the way he’d wound his scarf around my neck to keep me warm. And most of all, of the way we’d talked – about everything and nothing – as we meandered through the snowy campus.
Every year, at Christmas, I let myself remember – just for the duration of my walk. Then I packed the memories and the emotions away again and returned to my family.
But this year, when I went back, Aiden would be there waiting for me. And after last night’s kiss… somehow, I had a feeling that a twenty-minute walk wasn’t going to be long eno
ugh for me to pack away all those feelings.
Still, I could feel the cold breeze clearing out my brain, breaking everything down to its simplest form and making it seem more manageable again.
I decided to tackle the whole problem as I would one at work. Practically.
Point one: I was a single mother. Max still had a father but, day to day, it all fell on me. So he had to come first, always. That one was easy.
Point two: my husband left me barely four months ago. I was, as my mother had so kindly pointed out, on the rebound. It was crazy to start anything new right now.
Point three: it was Christmas, and Christmas always made me weirdly nostalgic. This year, that just happened to be channeled through some ancient fling that had come back to haunt me. That was all.
Except he told me he loved me, once. And that kiss… he could love me again. I could feel it.
I shook away my treacherous thoughts, sending them flying on the winter wind.
I strode along the pathways at a pace quick enough to make my lungs burn a little, pausing only briefly as I passed a small, chocolate box cottage that I presumed belonged to Therese. Further along the path I could see the edge of a thicker copse of trees – those famous woods that featured in so many of Nathaniel Drury’s books – and I hurried along, eager to lose myself in them, just for a little while.
Soon enough, I’d need to head back to the house for Christmas dinner. I’d smile and eat and play games and laugh at bad cracker jokes and do everything else I was supposed to on Christmas Day.
But first, I would take my ritual time for myself. To regroup. To steel myself against the sight of Aiden’s blue eyes and knowing smile.
And to let myself remember that first Christmas together, and the way things might have been, if I’d chosen differently.
The woods were upon me quicker than I imagined, cold and dark and damp. It was hard to see the magic in the gloom, until a shaft of light landed right through the gaps in the branches, lighting up a dew-dropped cobweb, or a toadstool ring. Then, suddenly, the whole wood came to life.
Christmas at Rosewood Page 7
