In fact, my hand is tucked into his arm as we shuffle out of the lecture. On the other side of the room I see a tall skinny girl with long straight hair and glasses watching Noah, a speculative look in her eyes. She looks like a grad student, for God’s sake, though Noah might be into that. I straighten my spine and stare her down, but not before I have a new revelation.
Noah needs a girlfriend.
I gulp. Of course he does. This is followed by another one: I should find Noah a girlfriend. A great one, who will make his first time perfect. That would be so amazing that I feel like crying. Not that girl over there, of course. I shoot her another dirty look. But some hypothetical perfect girl. It’s going to take a lot of work to find someone perfect. And probably a long time too. That makes me feel a little better.
We walk out of the Classics building together and I pause to admire the new scenery. It’s April already and spring is finally reaching New York. On this Saturday afternoon everyone’s out having lunch on the grass of the quad, stripping off their sweaters and jackets for the feel of fresh air on their skin. The smell of spring is in the air. Maybe that’s why my sap is rising too.
Noah takes a deep breath beside me and stretches, rolling his shoulders. “God, it’s nice out! I can still get a run in before dinner, I think.”
“I’ll walk you back to your dorm and head over to the computer lab. I’ve got to debug some code, run some checksums.” We start walking, slowly. It’s too beautiful a day to rush anywhere.
“And you think my work is boring!” he teases.
I poke him in the stomach and nearly break my finger. He’s working out all the time now for that marathon and I must say I’m following his progress with interest. He was always lean but now he’s getting more and more muscled-lean, if that’s a thing.
Idly I wonder what Noah would look like in decent-fitting jeans. He’s got a uniform of wrinkled button-down shirts, untucked, with saggy-butt jeans and high tops. It’s a good thing he’s got such beautiful eyes and that well-shaped mouth, that’s all I can say. And thick wavy brown hair and plenty of adorable scruffiness. Because his clothes don’t do him justice.
“When’s your race again?”
“Ultimately, I’m training for the New York City marathon in early November, but there are races before then: 10K, 15K, a half marathon….”
“You need a girlfriend.” And there I go again, blurting.
Noah stops in his tracks and stares at me. “I fail to follow your train of thought.”
I blush a little because I don’t want him to know my logic jumped from his running to his body to his sex life. When I don’t speak right away he starts walking again with long strides. I scurry on my shorter legs to catch up.
“I’m not a charity case, Holl!” This comes out curt.
“What? No! I….” I’m flustered. “That’s not what I meant!”
He stops suddenly again and I almost bang into him. “What did you mean?”
He’s peering down at me so intently I get even more flustered. I bite my lip, trying to think, when I notice his eyes have shifted to my mouth. Huh. I wind my fingers through my hair, trying to buy myself more time to think of something to say and his eyes shift to my hair. Huh again. Why have I never tried flirting with Noah? This is fun.
I look up at him from under my lashes and meet his gaze. Now he’s the one who’s flustered and I start to have second thoughts. I can’t risk my friendship with Noah. He’s too important to me. And I have a boyfriend I remind myself sternly, feeling ashamed of myself.
“No!” he says, pointing a finger at me like I’m a dog he’s training. I pout a little. “Just no!” he says again, shaking his head at me. Then, without a word, he storms off in the other direction.
I guess that’s why I’ve never tried flirting with Noah.
9
Noah
Holly’s been acting weird since we got back from break and I don’t know what to make of it. I know what’s the matter with me: I’m dying a slow painful death over every exchange with her. But I can neither snap the cord nor reel her in closer. I’m trapped in this limbo. The possibility of saying something and losing her altogether makes all the air leave my lungs. If she would only cut her boyfriend loose I might have options, but I refuse to jeopardize our friendship for anything else when she’s already “taken,” as she said. That’s non-negotiable.
Or at least, that’s what I tell myself. Maybe I’m just chicken shit. After all, I’ve gotten to the ripe old age of twenty without getting laid so clearly I’m not exactly a go-getter. To be fair to myself though (which I do try to be), I was never very tempted to sleep with anyone before now. It felt like an awfully intimate thing to do with someone you didn’t know very well. I wanted to wait for something better than going through the motions. So sue me.
While Holly and I are in this weird place I try to steer us toward group outings. We go to a frat party with Kyle and Lani and Matt and Annika, but Holly instantly tries to engage them in finding me a date. Even they see the ridiculousness of my situation. And it doesn’t help that they’re all shacking up now. Kyle and Lani had a big fight after the party, but Holly marshaled us all into an intervention to help them through it. Matt and Annika have had a rough time of it, and I still don’t know their official status, but they’re clearly getting it on in the meantime. In my state of sexual frustration and emotional exhaustion all I want to do is run, losing myself in the repetitive motion, the blissful blanking of my mind. Marjorie was right about anchoring: I’ve always been such an egghead that I haven’t paid enough attention to my body and its needs. At least some of them can be met.
“Hey—” I slip into a chair next to Annika when I see her at the cafeteria. “You run, right? What do you know about cross-training?” She starts to describe her routine when Kyle and Lani approach, holding hands. They grab seats near us and Lani starts pitching me on yoga. We’re immersed in conversation when Matt shows up and for a moment he pauses to assess the scene before he slides in next to Annika. She scoots away a little and I wonder what’s up with them now.
“Where’s Holly?” Matt asks, popping a can of soda. Everyone turns to look at me.
“What? I don’t know!” Actually I know she has an appointment with her advisor but I don’t want them to know that I’m such a stalker.
Matt shrugs. “Figured you would.” Another glance is exchanged around the table and some decision seems to be made.
“Someone else needs a fucking intervention!” Kyle says, shaking his head. “When are you going to do something about that girl?”
“Kyle!” Lani elbows him hard and he grunts. “What he means is,” she says sweetly, shooting another glance at her boyfriend, who is watching her with fascination. “We’re worried about you.”
“Nope.” Kyle shakes his head. “That’s not what I meant.”
I eye them both as coolly as I can. “None of your business.”
Eyebrows go up all around the table.
“Just go after her already!” Kyle says impatiently. “Tell her to ditch that asshole in California and get her act together!”
I feel my temper rising but I’m calm enough to look pointedly from him to Lani and back again. She leans back, smiling slightly.
“What? No! I would never say that to Lani. Oh—fuck you!” Kyle growls, slumping into his chair. Lani laughs and he scowls at her.
“You probably would,” she teases. She runs her hand over the back of his neck and he visibly relaxes.
“How do you know he’s an asshole? He could be perfect for her. She could be deliriously happy with him,” I argue, jaw clenched. Because it’s the principle of the thing.
Annika snorts now. “He’s not and she’s not and you know it.” Her direct gaze unsettles me.
Don’t they get it? “It’s her choice. He’s her choice.” I swallow hard, because yes, that hurts. “If I respect her then I have to accept what she wants.”
Silence. Then they start in, all of them tal
king at once.
“Yeah, but…”
“Noah, you’re so…”
Then Kyle smacks a palm on the table and everyone quiets. “You could still fight for her, Noah.” He sounds gentler than usual. Lani worries at her lip nervously.
“Women are not trophies to be fought over. I can’t win Holly like she’s a prize in some game. She has to choose me.” This is horribly painful but it’s important for them to understand.
“You’re not giving her enough information to make a real choice though. You’re just waiting and hiding.” Annika’s tone is more sympathetic than her words.
“I have to wait. It wouldn’t be honorable to influence her.”
They erupt into speech again and I sag backwards, feeling exhausted. I know how I sound. I get it. But this is who I am. I can’t be any other way.
Matt shakes his head, his expression tense. “All this talk of honor is making the rest of us look bad.”
“Well, that’s not difficult,” Annika snaps.
Lani leans toward me. “Just tell Holly how you feel and what you want.”
“Might not make a lick of difference,” Matt grumbles, staring at his plate. Annika drops her fork and it clatters to the ground. She avoids our curious glances by taking way too long to pick it up. I wonder if they are the ones who need the next intervention.
“The girl is just clueless!” Kyle proclaims into the awkward silence.
I stand up. “That’s it. Thanks, folks. I appreciate your concern but, for the record, there’s nothing wrong with Holly. And I won’t talk about her behind her back like this. See you in class.”
I’m satisfied with those last words as I leave the cafeteria, flinging my uneaten food into the garbage and marching out the door.
Our next Extra Credit class is also our last. I’m sad it’s over, even though I know I’ll keep the friends. But it turned into something interesting, challenging even. I start to think the whole sit-in snafu was just a stop en route to this destination: the course and these friends and, especially, Holly. Maybe our lesson plan of balancing each other out started as a sort of a joke, an evasion, but we did learn something from each other, I think. As the semester ends, though, I admit that I don’t feel any resolution. I’m still in limbo and there’s no end in sight.
Kyle and Lani enter the room together and Kyle pauses at my desk.
“Hey, Noah. Sorry about that….” He doesn’t finish but I know what he means. “You know I’m an asshole, right?”
I sigh. “You’re not an asshole.”
“Hey! That’s my line!” Lani quips. We all laugh and Kyle holds out a fist for me to bump so I bump it.
Holly walks into the room and beelines for me. “Howdy, pardner,” she says, slapping her books on the desk next to mine.
I look her up and down in surprise. “What’s with you?”
She flushes and lifts her chin. “Spring fever, I guess.” She shrugs and slides into her chair, crossing her legs so her skirt hikes up her bare legs a bit.
Now this I didn’t see coming: Holly in a dress. It’s some kind of sun dress, I guess, with a floaty soft skirt and a tighter top. The blue brings out the color of her eyes. I drag mine away from her and open my book to pretend to read.
Marjorie asks us to write up some reflections on the first class and swap with our partners and I’m grateful for the task. I get absorbed in my work until I become aware of Holly leaning over my shoulder, reading and snickering.
“You’re such a nerd!” She swipes my work from my desk.
I grab her writing and scan it quickly. I can’t call it reading. “You’re such a geek!”
Holly holds my piece of paper, covered with Ipsum Lorem text of my own invention and I hold hers, covered with lines of computer code. Random lines, for all I know. We both grin.
“Hey,” she says suddenly. “Can I come over later? I need your help with something.”
“Sure. I’ll be done with my run by about eight.”
10
Holly
I show up at Noah’s room at eight but there’s no answer when I knock. I’m crouching on the floor of his hallway, digging through my bag for my phone when I hear footsteps. I look up and freeze.
“Hey! Sorry, Holl—I’m running late. Literally, I guess! I just got back and showered.”
He opens his door and I’m dimly aware that it was unlocked the whole time. In the meantime, though, I’m about eye level with two long bare muscular legs. I’m close enough to see a droplet of water running down one sculpted calf. I fall back onto my butt and look all the way up at him, but that’s a bad idea. Because he’s only wearing a towel and I don’t want to accidentally see under it, right? Accidentally?
I keep my gaze moving firmly upwards and discover a lean muscled chest, with a light happy trail of dark hair, then Noah’s face, looking puzzled. I feel my skin flushing with heat.
“Gimme a minute to get dressed,” he says, breaking our strange stand-off.
I nod because I don’t trust my voice and when he closes the door behind him I sink into a heap on the floor and bang my head against the wall with a tiny groan. Crap! I can’t tell if it’s good news or bad news that he’s so hot.
He’s back way faster than I would be and motions me in, offering a hand to pull me off the floor. I grab it and let him pull me up, wishing I could let myself drift right up against him. I give myself a mental shake and drag in a deep breath. His hair is damp and curling at his neck and his tee shirt is sticking a little to his chest. I swallow.
“So what’s up?” he says, shutting the door behind me. He’s looking at me strangely and I realize that I haven’t yet said one word, which is certainly strange for me.
“Umm. I hope I didn’t rush you. I could come back later.”
His brow furrows. “Why? It’s fine.”
He drops onto the floor and stretches his legs out with a wince. He has pulled on a plain tee shirt and a pair of loose basketball shorts. I can still see his tight calves. I move to sit on the floor too, tucking my skirt around my legs. I’m having a hard time focusing on anything. It’s like there’s too much new information to process and my brain won’t reboot.
Noah quirks an eyebrow at me, waiting patiently. With an effort I gather my brain cells, pulling my laptop out of my bag. “Lani’s birthday is coming up. I want to make her a playlist and I need your help.”
He leans back on his elbows, making him look even longer. “You don’t really need my help but, sure, I’ll help.”
“I figure I can handle the West Coast if you cover the East?” I open my music account and start typing rapidly. Noah moves closer to look over my shoulder.
“Lani’s from Hawaii,” he says dubiously. “What kind of music does she like?”
“No idea!” I chirp. “I figure we should give her music that we like. You know, evangelize.”
Noah chuckles. “Okay. Got it.”
We spend hours brainstorming songs to include, then the pros and cons of how to order them, playing samples. Noah gets up at one point and returns with microwaved popcorn from the common room down the hall. We munch and I type and he sprawls on the floor, looking more adorable than usual—and sexy. It’s disconcerting.
Eventually I stand and stretch painfully, yawning. “Oh my god, it’s 1 a.m.! I should go.”
He stands too, hands on his narrow hips. “I’ll walk you back.”
“You don’t have to.”
“Hush. Yes, I do. C’mon.”
This time I don’t refuse and the walk back to my dorm is companionable. It’s a weeknight and finals are starting so it’s pretty quiet, but the weather has turned for sure and it’s mild, with just a light breeze ruffling the trees in the quad.
“When do you go home?” Noah asks. Funny, I was thinking about the same thing.
“A week from Monday.” I turn to follow the path around the quad instead of cutting through it. It’s slower that way. “It will be so weird not to see you for three months!” My v
oice comes out sounding weird too.
“Yeah.” He shoves his hands into the pockets of the hoodie he threw on.
I know he’s hanging around campus this summer, with a research grant and a job at the library. I guess he’ll be training too. I picture him here on campus without me, without our friends. I’m worried he’ll slide too far back into his own head. I worry he’ll forget all about me.
“We never did find you a girlfriend,” I say in a tiny voice. I glance up at him. “There was no one good enough.”
Noah grimaces, his expression pained. I hope I haven’t hurt his feelings. I know I can be a little tactless sometimes. We’re at my dorm now and I put a hand on his arm.
“You know I love you, right?” I look up at him intently now because it’s important he knows this. He looks up at the night sky and sighs, then he rests his hand briefly on mine, just skimming it.
“Yep.”
11
Noah
The days before Holly leaves are frantic. I have finals and papers to write. I’m running twenty miles a week and starting to swim on my off days. Kyle is graduating and everyone else is leaving campus for the summer. I want to see them all as much as possible. I want to cram every day full of Holly. The clock is ticking until she leaves and I’ve got to hoard up her presence, but there isn’t enough to go around.
“Why won’t you let me drive you to the airport?” I ask for the umpteenth time. I’m practically chasing her down the sidewalk as she practically runs back to her room to get her bags. We’ve just said goodbye to Kyle and Lani, who are taking a road trip together, and Matt and Annika, who leave soon for D.C.
And Holly is flying across the country later this afternoon.
“Not necessary!” she calls out over her shoulder. I stop in my tracks while she barrels ahead.
“Holly!” I put my hands on my hips and wait, tensing up. She glances behind her and when she sees me not moving she slows to a stop, turning to face me. I feel like we’re in some old Western, facing off on Main Street as the tumbleweed blows around us. She says nothing, but I can imagine her hands hovering over a holster.
The Lesson Plan (Extra Credit #3) Page 5