by Cat Crafter
She smiled at me. A light bulb appeared over her head. “I do have something you could use though…” She rushed to the back of the room. She popped open a draw on a table. She rummaged through the draw. “Nope not there…” She ran to another draw. Popped it open and searched through it. “Nope, nope, nope,” she said. Another draw, another failure. Then another.
Then finally, she reached into a draw and pulled out a long flexible tube. She smiled. She walked over to me. “This will help you, a lot!” she told me. She showed me the tube. It stretched out towards me.
“Is it a giant straw?” I asked.
The Master Scientist shook her head. “No, it’s a zombie finder. Hold the handle and it will point in the direction of the nearest zombie!” she said jumping up and down.
I tapped myself. “Why would I want to find zombies? I am a zombie. I already told you other zombies don’t like me very much, cause, well, they are zombies and just mope around and look for brains.”
“Think about this,” the Master Scientist said. “What do adventurers like to do?”
“Go on adventures,” I said. I smiled. “That’s why they’re called adventurers!”
“And what else do they like to do?” the Master Scientist asked.
“Eat and poop!” one of the pigs shouted.
The Master Scientist gave them a look, and shook her head. “True, but everybody likes to do that!”
One of the other pigs nodded. “True, everybody poops, even moms!”
“What do brave adventurers like to do?” the Master Scientist asked me. “What’s the reason they carry diamond swords and bows and arrows?”
“They fight things!” I shouted, jumping up and down. “They love to fight!”
The Master Scientist tapped herself on her nose. “Right on the nose my friend. And what do really brave adventurers like to fight?” she asked.
“Endo dragons!” I shouted.
“Well yes, I suppose, but what else, maybe not quite as big and an Endo dragon…” she prompted.
“A smaller Endo dragon!” one of the pigs shouted.
“What other creatures do adventurers like to seek out and destroy to help keep villages safe?” she asked.
“Skeletons…” I said meekly.
The scientist sighed. “Closer…and what else?”
I rubbed my head. “Think Zombie Zee, think!”
“There you said it!” the scientist said, pointing at me.
“Zombies!” I shouted. “They like to find and kill zombies!”
The Master Scientist nodded happily. “Yes you got it.”
“So I just have to find zombies and hang out with them until an adventurer comes and then convince the adventurer I can be his buddy!” I said rapidly. I itched my head. “Man, maybe I should have stayed with my original zombie pack and waited longer. No that wouldn’t have worked cause then the adventurer would think I was with them, which I was. Then he or she would attack me.” I stopped to think. “Hmmm, but I’ll run into the same problem with a new pack…” I sighed.
The Master Scientist pointed at me. Her face beamed with excitement. “No, no they won’t….” She turned to one of her tables and pulled out a small pad of paper. She grabbed a pen and starting writing on the paper. “Can you read?” she asked.
“Maybe,” I said.
She showed me the letters on the paper: I AM A FRIENDLY ZOMBIE.
I looked at the letter. “I…” that was all I got. “Nope can’t read,” I said.
“It says, I am a friendly zombie,” she told me. She walked forward and put the piece of paper on my chest.
“Wow it just stuck there!” I said, amazed.
She smiled. “Yep, I call them sticky notes, perhaps my greatest invention!”
“Hey now that hurts!” one the pigs said.
“Yeah we can hear you!” another said.
“We have feelings you know!” the other said.
I smiled. I knew I had it made now. Unless of course I somehow ran into a pack of zombies that could read. But come on. What were the odds of that?
The master scientist anxiously rubbed her hands together. “Now Mr. Zee, have you heard to expression - you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours?” she asked me, peering in at me.
“Sure, I just heard you say it!” I told her proudly.
“Ah have you heard it before that?” she asked.
I shook my head. “Ah no?”
“Do you know what it means?” she asked.
“That your back itches and you want help!” I stretched out my arm. “Turn around I will itch your back!”
The Master Scientist smiled. “Thank you, but no. It means…I help you now and then you have to help me,” she told me.
I took a step backward. “How can I help you? I’m a zombie and you’re a super smart scientist?”
“Yeah…” all three of the not so little pigs wondered in agreement.
“Well,” she said, “I want something from you.”
“One of my sticks? Some of my pocket dust? My pal Pete the Potato?” I pulled Pete out of my pocket and showed him to her. “He doesn’t talk much.”
She looked at me and shook her head. “No none of that,” she said.
Phew! I would have hated to give up Pete.
“When I say a part of you, I mean a little piece of you that I can study and analyze to see why you are different from any other zombie. I want to figure out what makes you different,” she said.
“Will it hurt?” I asked.
The Master Scientist nodded. “A little yes,” she admitted.
“Ah, define a little?” I asked.
“Depends where I take it from?” she said. She pulled out a long needle from another pocket I did not know she had. “If I take it from your brain it will hurt a lot, but it will be really useful….”
“Ah, I’m still using my brain,” I told her. “And I’m not fan of a lot of pain.” I covered my head as well as I could with my arms.
“Want us to get him to put his arms down, boss?” one of the pigs said.
“Yeah it will make the place smell better,” another pig said.
The Master Scientist shook her head. “No, I’m a scientist, I want to help people and zombies, not hurt them.” She pointed to my head. “I cut snip a hair sample…that could work.”
I moved my hands to cover my hair, “But I like my hair!” Think Zee, think, I told myself. Think of another part of yourself you can offer this scientist. After all, she did help me I should help her. I just need to come up with a part of me that I could give her that wouldn’t hurt.
“How about a fart? I can fart in jar!”
“Okay, now that’s just plain weird,” a pig squeaked.
“No, I need something solid I can analyze,” the Master Scientist told me.
I rubbed my chin. After all, I heard that’s what smart people do to make themselves think. Think Zee, think. I repeated to myself. I gave myself a little kick in the back of the foot.
“I do poop!” I said. “I can give you some of my poop!”
“Dude, we’re pigs and we think that’s gross!” one of the pigs said. The other two nodded their heads in agreement.
“Yeah, there are limits to what I’ll do for science,” the Master Scientist said.
I itched my nose. My nose always itched and got stuffy when I was nervous. I shook a little. Then it hit me. “Snot!” I shouted.
The pigs looked at me. “He’s lost it!” one of the said. The other two nodded in agreement.
“No! I can give you some snot! I have nervous snot right now!” I offered. I thought for sure the master scientist would turn me down, but I had to try.
The Master Scientist smiled. She pointed at me. “Now that will work. It’s gross, but not too gross. Great to study!” she said with far more excitement than I’d ever heard anybody talk about snot.
The Master Scientist reached onto one of the tables and pulled out a piece of paper. She handed to it to me. “Blow here, p
lease!”
“I’m really good at blowing my nose!” I said proudly. Yeah, I know that’s not something most people brag about but when you’re a zombie it is a true talent to blow your nose. I put the piece of paper over my nose. I took breath and worked on forcing the goop out of my noise. It came out with a loud:
HOONNKKKK!
I looked into the paper. There it was, all yellow and sticky and gooey. It had little bits of green in it too. I showed it to the Master Scientist. She smiled. “Yep, that’s perfect!” she said happily.
I showed it to the pigs. They all covered their faces with their paws. “Gross dude!” they all said at once.
I smiled proudly knowing I could gross out pigs!
The Master Scientist gave me a pat on the back and I was on my way to find more zombies. I felt great. Who would have thought finding zombies was key to finding an adventurer to hang out with!
Zombies not like me
I didn’t know if the zombie finder was working but it was doing something. It pointed in one direction. I headed in that direction. After a bit (or a lot) of walking, the tube bent in another direction. I followed in that direction. I became more and more excited with each bend of the tube, each change of direction I made, and each step I took. My heart beat so loud I thought passing birds would hear it. Now that probably was just my imagination running away with me, but still I felt alive or less undead. Or would that be more undead? Whatever….
After a lot of walking that didn’t seem like a lot of walking due to me being so excited, the zombie finding tube stick lead me to the edge of a cliff. My first thoughts were, oh bummer. But then the stick bent down into the gulley under the cliff. Peering over I saw a cave! The tube started shaking frantically. That cave had to be it. There were zombies in that cave. It all made sense. The sun had come up, most zombies don’t have a cool helm hat like me, so they have to avoid the sun.
Caves have no sun.
Okay, now all I needed to do was to get from up here to down there. I rubbed my head trying to coax my brain into coming up with a great solution. My brain went with the easy choice…JUMP.
I jumped off the cliff. I did a somersault or three in the air. I landed head first on the rocking ground. Luckily I don’t use my head all that much, I thought as I picked myself up. I collected my sticks and made sure Pete was still in my pocket.
I walked slowly into the cave’s entrance. I looked in. I saw rocks and dirt but no zombies. Listening carefully, I could hear something deep in the cave. I hiked deeper into the cave. I carefully strolled in, keeping near the wall, not sure why, it just felt like the thing to do.
After a few minutes that seemed like many more minutes, I found them! There standing in front of me were four big zombies. They all had their backs turned to me. They hadn’t see me yet. Their attention locked on something. Before I could grunt out to them, I saw what had caught their attention. In front of them stood a square shoulder, square headed adventurer with brown hair. He shook his golden sword at the zombies.
“Back!” the adventurer shouted.
The zombies didn’t seem impressed.
Okay, now on the good news I had found zombies. On the amazing great news, I found these zombies were fighting an adventurer. On the even more amazingly great news, I knew if I could save this adventurer he’d have to want to hang out with me. We’d have amazing adventures together! On the bad news part, the zombies looked like they were ready to kill this adventurer. A dead adventurer would do me no good. I needed another plan and faster than fast.
I scanned the area. Hmm, I noticed there happened to be a couple of green slimes on the roof of the cave above the zombies. If I took Pete the Potato, I could throw him at the green slimes. The slimes would fall on top of the zombies. The zombies would be distracted and the hero could escape. It was a win-win.
I pulled Pete out of my pocket. “Don’t worry Pete I won’t leave you behind!” I assured him.
I tossed Pete, he went a little distance and dropped to the ground. Now, I regretted playing in the zombie kick rock league instead of the zombie throw rock league….
That was it! Solution two. I could kick a rock at the zombies. That would distract them just as much as dropping a slime on them. Yeah, not as flashy, but it was better than doing nothing.
I picked up to a rock, pulled back my leg, took aim…but before I could kick it, a nervous burp overtook me. I let out the world’s loudest:
BURPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!
The four zombies turned towards my burp. They all looked at me with empty eyes, which is how most zombies look at everything. My plan to distract the zombies had worked! Wow, I’m so smart, even plans I don’t think of work out!
The brave adventurer took advantage of my distraction. He took his shining gold sword and cut down the four zombies. He screamed and started charging towards me. Ah, okay, not exactly how I’d had planned this to go. The good news was I had found my adventurer. Now all I had to do was keep him from cutting off my head!
Peace talk
The adventurer rushed at me sword overhead, he screamed, “Die zombie die!”
Not the most original dialog but he was under pressure.
I held out my arms. “Me good!” I shouted to him. “Me help!” When I get nervous my words get even worse than normal. I remembered the sign the Master Scientist stuck on me. I pointed to the sign she had stuck on my chest. The adventurer kept coming. I realized I had covered the sign with my hand. I moved my hand. The adventurer looked at the sign.
His lips moved when he read, “I am a friendly zombie.”
“No, I’m a friendly zombie!” I joked with a smile. I figured a joke always helps to ease any situation.
“You can talk?” the adventurer said, waving his sword under my nose.
“Yes, yes I can,” I said slowly.
“But you’re a zombie!”
“Yes, yes I am,” I said slowly, hands raised so he wouldn’t whack me. “But I’m not like other zombies. I’m smart and I’m friendly. I saved you!”
“You burped…loud,” the adventurer told me.
I nodded. “Yes, yes I did…but my plan was to distract the zombies with those slimes above them. I would throw my Pet Potato Pete at them. The slimes would fall and distract the zombies,” I said quickly, that may have been more words than I had ever spoken at once. Man, talking sense is tiring!
The adventurer peaked over his shoulder. “There are two slimes up there,” he admitted.
I nodded and pointed towards the now fully dead zombies. “Yep, and four dead zombies there. Thanks to us working together. We’re such a good team, even when we don’t work together we still work together….”
The adventurer looked at me. He held his sword firm.
I tapped the sword gently. “I can help you upgrade this!” I said in my most upbeat voice.
“You can?” he asked slightly lowering the sword.
I shrugged. “Sure I know a lot about this world,” I boasted. I lowered my head just a bit. “All I’ve ever wanted, is to be friends and go on adventurers with a brave adventurer, like you.”
The adventurer took a step back, his golden sword dropped just a little.
“I could help you make that platinum!” I coaxed.
He looked at me carefully.
I held out my hand. “I’m Zee, Zee the friendly kind of smart zombie!”
He looked at my hand.
I farted a long slow fart… I pulled my hand back and for some reason put it over my mouth
FRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUTTT!!!!!
I turned reddish green. “Oops, sorry, I did not plan that.”
The adventurer started laughing. “Zee, you are one funny dude!” He held out his hand, “I’m Charlie!”
I shook his hand. “Well Charlie with Brown hair, I bet this is the start of a great and epically epic friendship!”
“I hope so!” Charlie told me.
We started walking out of the cave.
“I bet people will w
rite books about us!” I told him.
He laughed. “Zee, you’ve got some imagination!” he told me.
I nodded. “Yes Charlie, my new friend, I do!”
Wow! I had done it. Me…Zee the smart Zombie, I had achieved my first goal! I found an adventurer and now we were a team. A team to take on the world. The two of us would be unstoppable. Actually, there were three of us with my Pet Potato Pete. I’d have to remember to introduce the two of them. But for now I thought it best if Charlie with brown hair and I got to know each other a little better first.
