Lust.
Chapter Twelve
AJ
“There’s a place I love a few blocks away. I think that’s where we should go if you’re looking for good pizza,” Sam suggested, fastening her seatbelt.
“Sounds like a plan. Just tell me where to go.” Watching her as inconspicuously as I could, I pulled out onto the street.
I knew beforehand that coming to see her was a bad idea. In the very least it was disrespectful to Kira, given that I’d just promised her that I wouldn’t have any kind of contact with Sam. However, for some reason, I didn’t have the will to deny myself another chance to at least see her again – not even when I thought of what it’d do to Kira if she ever found out.
Driving over to Sam’s place, I tried to rationalize my thinking. I didn’t know if this pull toward her had to do with the way I struggled for years, trying to accept the distance between us. Maybe now that she was so close, I simply wanted to make sure that it stayed that way. But did I have that right? To want to keep her close? The answer came before I even finished asking the question – No. I was playing with fire and I knew it.
Sam directed me to hang two rights followed by a left, before we finally parked again. We had a little ways to walk, but it was perfect outside so neither of us minded. Being this close to her shouldn’t have been such a difficult task, but it was so bad that I had to put my hands in my pockets to keep from reaching for her hand or waist out of habit. She looked at least as uncomfortable as I did. This was what I meant when I told Terrell that it would be difficult for Sam and I to do the ‘friends’ thing. We were accustomed to flirting, touching, and everything else whenever the hell we wanted to without discretion. Being her friend would mean existing side by side in a state of constant restraint. Would it be easy? No. But was I willing to try? Clearly, yes, hence the reason I was forcing myself to look at the sidewalk instead of at her.
When we approached the entrance of the small mom-and-pop pizzeria that Sam suggested, I held the door and let her go inside first. The place wasn’t as crowded as I expected it to be, probably because it was nearly midnight on a Wednesday. The two people in line before us finished ordering and then Sam moved up. She asked for two slices and a couple drinks, I paid, and then we took a seat at a table near the window facing the street.
When I stole a glance at her from across the table, her eyes lingered on mine for a moment and she smiled, something I’d noticed her doing a lot of since arriving at her apartment. Even though I shouldn’t have – trust me I know it was wrong – but I hoped like hell all the grinning and blushing was because of me.
“I’m glad you came out with me,” I admitted just because I thought she should know. Sam touched her napkin to her lips and I watched as her cheeks turned red once again.
“Me too.”
I forced my eyes away from hers and fought the pull. She sipped her drink and I stared at the glass when she set it down.
“And I know we’ve got a lot to talk about,” she started. “So I’m ready whenever you are.” After that, she took a deep breath. I frowned a little, but I don’t think she noticed.
Was that why she thought I brought her out tonight? To rehash the past?
When I finally did meet her gaze, it looked like she was desperate for a response. Whatever she wanted to say must’ve been something she’d been carrying for a while. If this talk needed to happen before we were officially back on track, I suppose sooner was better than later.
“Um, sure. We can go somewhere and talk as soon as we leave here,” I suggested, only putting it off because a group of college-aged kids had just taken the table beside us, carrying on loudly about whatever movie they’d just left.
I spent the rest of my meal wondering what all she had to say. When I wasn’t doing that, I was trying as hard as I could to pay more attention to the words leaving her mouth than I was to her lips. When I finally gave up trying, I resorted to aimless nods that seemed to fit into the right places of our conversation. I really did try to listen, but she had me distracted beyond belief.
Was she always this beautiful? I mean, I know she must’ve been, but….
I stared at the grown-up version of a girl I’d loved so many years ago, wondering how things ever got so messed up that I had to miss five whole years of her life. When she left, she was this sweet, teenage girl that I was crazy about – literally. Now, I was looking into the eyes of a strikingly beautiful woman. I wasn’t positive that I still had her all figured out like I once did, leaving me more intrigued by her than I should’ve ever allowed myself to be.
After clearing our table we retraced our steps back to my car and again, I had to shove my hands inside my pockets. Doing so prevented the inevitable reach to interlock my fingers with hers. It was as if we had a force of gravity all our own, one that only the two of us could feel, one that had us bound in ways I couldn’t explain even if I tried. It was unlike anything I’d ever felt in my life. Ever. When the feeling became so overwhelming that I had to take a deep breath, Sam looked my way. The corner of her mouth turned up into a smile and she quickly looked away.
“Okay, I’m just gonna say it. This is kind of surreal, right?” Her smile grew and became infectious.
“Yeah…I’d have to agree.” And it was.
“I mean…from you moving here, to your place overlooking the spot where I get my weekly smoothie fix, to….this! Us hanging out?” She smiled and shook her head, trying to digest it all. “Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice hanging with you. This just isn’t something I thought I’d ever be doing again.”
I knew exactly what she meant.
Both of our eyes glanced over at my car as we passed right by it, deciding to take advantage of the beautiful weather and see where the sidewalk carried us.
“Are you sure you don’t need to get back home? I know you have work in the morning,” Sam asked. I looked down at my watch; it was almost 12:30, but for some reason, I wasn’t even tired. Granted when 5:45 rolled around it might be a different story, but for now, I felt like I had all the energy in the world.
“I’m fine. Unless you need to go.”
A slow smile crossed her face and then she shook her head. “No, I’m usually up pretty late anyway.”
Good. I wasn’t ready to let the night end just yet.
We crossed the street when traffic cleared. Sam watched me watching in awe at how lively everything still was, showing no signs of slowing down.
“You get used to it. You might actually like it one day.”
I shook my head. “All the noise and crowds? Nah, I don’t think so.”
She shrugged. “I do. When I first moved here, I used to have trouble sleeping and it comforted me to know that the entire city was awake with me.” She smiled again, but there was an air of sadness in her tone that wasn’t lost on me.
“Whenever you’re ready to talk,” I reminded her, wondering if maybe she’d changed her mind.
Her expression became sullen and I glanced down at her every now and then when I wasn’t dodging pedestrians. Sam slowed her pace just a little and I matched her stride.
She stared off into the endless sea of lights and after a long sigh, she began to speak. “I guess the first thing I need to say is thank you. The way you tried to stick by me after everything – going after Antonio like you did.” She paused and shook her head. “Even before that, trying to talk some sense into me about the whole ‘Reina thing’.”
I let out a deep breath, struggling not to let frustration creep in at the mention of Reina’s name.
“We were kids, Sam. And if I’m being honest, that part was mostly on me. I was hiding so much back then, thinking I was doing the right thing by keeping you in the dark; I can see how it’d be hard for you to believe me after catching her in my room the way you did,” I assured her. However, I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that, if the tables were turned, I would’ve known Sam wasn’t capable of what she’d accused me of. It wouldn’t help the situation to say th
at now, though.
“And I’m sorry,” she continued. “…For how I left, for not telling you where I was going, and for not calling. I never should’ve done that to you. I never should’ve done that to us. I know I ruined everything,” she added in a whisper.
Hearing her admit that she honestly regretted the way things between us ended left me to wonder how often she thought about what our lives would’ve been like had we stayed together.
Her hand went to her forehead when she rethought that last statement. “I shouldn’t have said that. I mean, I know you’re engaged to Kira, and you’re happy, and I totally respect that. She really does seem like a nice girl,” she rambled. “I honestly wasn’t trying to say that it’d be us instead of you and her – like things were supposed to be different than how they are.” She was so nervous she’d said something wrong that her voice was shaky. “When I said ‘us’ I just meant that –“
“But it would’ve been us, Sam,” I interrupted, acknowledging to her face, that if she hadn’t left, hadn’t ran away, she’d undoubtedly be wearing my ring instead of Kira. I could see from my peripheral that she stopped watching where she was walking and stared at me instead.
“I –“ was all she was able to say before turning to face forward again and falling silent.
Since we were laying everything out on the table, I decided to be thorough. “I only let you go because you forced me to let you go. Not because I wanted to. Not because I thought it was the right thing to do.”
More silence.
I focused on the lights of the high-rise off in the distance and took a deep breath. “I went through a phase where I was angry as hell at you for leaving me – just being honest. But then I grew up and got past it.” Our pace slowed even more. “Looking back at the situation now with a clearer perspective, considering what you went through, I think you did what you felt like you had to do at the time. Do I wish there’d been another way? Every single day of my life. But do I understand it?” I looked down at her for a second. “Absolutely.”
The hustle and bustle continued around us, but there was almost a cone of silence surrounding Sam and I as we moved in slow motion compared to the rest of the city. Sam was deep in thought when we turned the corner. Looking down at her again, I saw her swipe at a single tear and that urge to touch her grew within me. I was used to comforting her, but now I felt like I had to keep my distance.
“Are you okay?” I asked, hoping I hadn’t somehow made her feel worse.
She nodded. “I’m fine. This is just…something I’ve been carrying for a while. My doctor’s been pushing for me to have this talk with you for a long time. I just didn’t know how you’d respond if I called.”
“Your doctor?”
“My therapist,” she admitted freely. “That’s where I’m headed every Wednesday when I pass your building.”
“How long have you been thinking about getting in touch with me?” I asked, just wondering when she started having the desire to talk again.
“Almost as soon as I got here – strongest after the first year.”
I stopped dead in my tracks, thinking back to how broken I was for the first two years after she left. If she’d picked up the phone and called, I would’ve dropped everything and been on the first flight I could get. There would’ve been no hesitation to take her back. God’s honest truth. “Why didn’t you call? You know I wouldn’t have -“
“Because I was embarrassed!” she interjected, her face reflecting the pain she’d been holding in. When she lowered her head, I touched her arm only to move her from the middle of the sidewalk where we’d stopped.
Standing beside the wall of some sort of shop, I stared into Sam’s watery eyes, screaming at her from my subconscious, ‘Why didn’t you just call? We could’ve worked it out!’
She wiped away another tear and I realized that walking down the busy streets of New York was the wrong place to do this. We were about a block away from my car and she was trying desperately to keep from crying in front of all these people. She dabbed beneath her eyes with her fingers, but it was just a matter of time before it became a full-blown sob. I took a deep breath, again resenting the fact that I couldn’t console her.
“I’m sorry if I upset you,” I said in a low voice so no one could hear but us.
She tried to force a smile, but the effort was in vain. Another tear slipped down her cheek. “No, no…it’s fine. You didn’t do anything. This whole topic is just kind of heavy for me.” She looked up and chuckled out of nervousness. “Leaving Charleston the way I did is my biggest regret in life, AJ.”
Those words were like a dagger in my heart. Her eyes reddened and fresh tears fell. She stared for a moment longer and then looked away shaking her head. I honestly didn’t know what to say to that.
“You have no idea what it’s like knowing that I singlehandedly picked my future apart, one thread at a time.” She shook her head again and exhaled sharply.
I’d kept my distance as long as I could, but it simply wasn’t in me to stand by while she cried. No longer fighting what I’d wanted to do since the first tear fell, I eased my hands free from my pockets and pulled Sam into my arms slowly. She took a few steps closer and then braced herself against my chest, her face fitting right into the crook of my neck like she used to do. The dam finally broke and she let her emotions and tears flow freely now that I had her. Her hands slipped around my waist, making our embrace mutual.
I wasn’t sure which one of us needed this more, me or her. I ran my hands up her back and reveled in the feel of her being so close, offset by a pang of guilt that stole something from the moment. It came rushing down on me in an instant, the reminder that she wasn’t mine, and I couldn’t be hers either. For that reason, I loosened my grip and let her go.
“I’m so sorry for breaking down like that. I feel like such an idiot,” she said, taking a step back.
My hands were in my pockets again, and when Sam started back down the sidewalk I did too.
“Don’t feel bad,” I replied.
She nodded and sniffed back the last of her tears. Neither of us spoke as we circled the block and my car came into view. The headlights flashed when I started the engine and unlocked the doors with the remote. Sam’s eyes were still full of worry and sadness when she slipped past me and climbed into her seat as I held the door. Once behind the wheel, the silence persisted all the way back to her building.
We walked to the door of her apartment and I stood there lost in thought while Sam unlocked it.
“Well…aside from my embarrassing breakdown, I had a nice time,” she said with a weak smile, red eyes and all.
“So did I.” Standing there staring down on her, I found it hard to make myself walk away although I knew I should. Yeah, it was past one in the morning, and I’d be tired as hell when my alarm went off, but…
“Goodnight,” she said softly.
We lingered there in awkward silence. Rather, I lingered there in awkward silence. Sam stared at me, thinking I had something to say.
With a sigh, I finally replied. “Goodnight.”
She smiled a little bigger this time before turning to go inside.
“Wait….” The sound of my voice came across way more desperate than I meant for it to. “Can I see you again tomorrow?”
Her cheeks turned red like they had so many other times tonight. “Sure. I don’t have any plans.”
Excitement washed over me when she accepted my invitation. I had no clue where we’d go – mostly because I decided to ask her out at the last minute – but all that mattered was that I’d get to see her again. With a smile that I couldn’t hide, I nodded and turned to walk back toward the steps. When her door closed behind me, I looked back at the empty hallway and felt like my heart was beating inside my chest for the first time in years. That excited and scared me all at the same time. It was okay to have those feelings…just…not for Sam.
Chapter Thirteen
Sam
“Thanks
, Bev,” I said with a smile that faded as soon as my boss left my cubicle. She’d been getting on my nerve all day, making the inkling of praise she’d just given for a job well done worth very little in the big scheme of things.
It was already three minutes after five and I had to get to the grocery store. I texted AJ around lunchtime to let him know that, instead of going out, I’d cook for him, seeing as how he had a hankering for a home-cooked meal. I grabbed my purse, keys, and phone before heading toward the elevator. As soon as I rounded the corner, though, Jason stood there waiting for me, wearing an apologetic look on his face that didn’t move me in the least. When I sighed and tried to sidestep him, he blocked the way and held his hands out to halt me.
“Wait, wait, wait…” he said quickly, his expression shifting to panic when he thought I might get away. “I know you don’t want to hear what I have to say, but Sam…baby, we’ve been together too long to just end things like this.”
I took a deep breath and looked around to make sure we were still alone. The last thing I wanted was for my coworkers to be all up in my business.
“No, we’ve been together too long for you to have hidden the fact that you have a son, and that you’re MARRIED, Jason.” I looked back again and tried to calm myself before I started yelling. “We are not doing this here.”
“Okay, let me come by tonight. We can talk about it then?” he begged. “I’ll bring dinner and we can –“
“I didn’t invite you over.”
Jason’s posture deflated a little when I cut him off. “Well, what about Friday? Can I take you somewhere nice? Explain everything to you over drinks maybe?”
Exposed (Free Falling) Page 15
