“No one is going to be enjoying anything, understand?” she said with a growl. “Now listen, Ruby, everyone’s first kiss is rubbish anyway, it’s a known fact.”
“Is it?” said Nydia, glumly. “How disappointing. You wait years and years for something and then it’s rubbish. Typical.”
“Yeah, is it?” said Michael, looking slightly offended. “You never complained at the time.”
Anne-Marie shuddered like a wet dog shaking itself dry.
“Ugh, it was dreadful. All dribbly and toothy – totally disgusting!” she told Nydia frankly, forgetting to be scary for a second.
“Oh, thanks a bunch!” Michael said, looking hurt. He’d stopped looking white with fear and was starting to go bright red with embarrassment. Not such a smooth operator after all.
“Relax, idiot,” Anne-Marie told him, rolling her eyes at Nydia. “It wasn’t with you!” Nydia giggled and clapped her hand over her mouth. She was loving Anne-Marie actually condescending to talk to her so much she’d forgotten the real reason we were here.
“Oh,” Michael said looking relieved, and then, “Oh!”
Anne-Marie ignored him.
“Anyway, my point is it’s better to get it out of the way now, so that when you and Justin have your kiss it will be perfect.” She smiled at me. “Well, as perfect as it can be when a super hunk has to snog a manky old trout like you,” she finished cheerily.
“Well I’d rather be a manky old trout than…than…” I spluttered and it was no good. That witty one-liner just wouldn’t come out. Anne-Marie laughed in my face.
“Than what? Than popular? Than thin? Than have more than one useless fat reject of a friend?” she said bluntly. “If you’d rather be you, then why are you here at all? Why do you need me? I opened my mouth and shut it again. I was so angry I thought I was going to ignite with fury. But instead, when I heard myself speak my voice was cold, like ice, and low. I took a step nearer to Anne-Marie.
“I don’t need you, Anne-Marie. And Nydia doesn’t need you either.” I looked her up and down. “We’re here because we thought you could help me with something I thought was important. But do you know what you’ve made me realise? Nothing is so important that I have to listen to you slag off my best friend. Nydia is worth a thousand of you. She is a kind and generous person – a person who’d be your friend even after all the things you’ve said and done to her. A person who’d always be there for you if you needed her, and always listen to you even if most of the time you talked rubbish. But you just throw all that back in her face time after time. I don’t care if you tell everyone at school about this; I don’t care if the whole school laughs at me for the rest of my life. I’d rather have Nydia as my friend than be in the same room with you for one second longer. You’re just a nasty, spoilt, arrogant, heartless bitch, so mean and spiteful that even your own family don’t want to live with you. You don’t know what real friendship is.” I picked up my bag.
“Come on, Nydia, we’re going.” But Nydia didn’t move; instead she looked anxiously at Anne-Marie whose evil-genius face had crumpled a bit. “Come on, Nydia!” I said. She was sort of taking the wind out of my dramatic exit.
Nydia went over to Anne-Marie.
“Are you OK?” she asked her. My jaw dropped.
“What do you mean is she OK? Come on, let’s go.” Nydia shook her head and I looked at Anne-Marie. I could see she was shaking, that her lips were pressed tightly together and her eyes glittering with unshed tears. She was trying not to cry. I’d made Anne-Marie Chance cry and, strangely, instead of feeling triumphant about it, I felt rather uncomfortable and guilty.
Nydia put her hand on Anne-Marie’s shoulder.
“Ruby didn’t mean any of that stuff she said, you know,” she told Anne-Marie gently.
“Er, I did actually,” I pointed out, but Nydia just ignored me.
“She did,” Anne-Marie agreed. “And she’s right. My parents don’t want to live with me.”
“I’m sure they do!” Nydia said hastily. “Is that why you’re upset? Because of what Rube said about your parents? Not all the other stuff?”
Anne-Marie lifted her chin defiantly. “That’s true too,” she said. “But I don’t care.”
“Don’t you?” Nydia asked. “It’s just it’s hard to understand sometimes why you hate us so much,” she said softly, her brows furrowed. “What gives you the right to talk to us the way you do? Call us names, make things up about us, or get all your friends to ignore us. What have we ever done to you?” Anne-Marie rubbed her eyes with the heels of her palms. “Go on, tell us,” Nydia said, “because I’d really like to know.”
Michael took a cautious step closer to Anne-Marie and Nydia. I think he could sense some serious girls’ stuff approaching.
“So er, shall I get off then?” he said awkwardly. “I mean, if you’re going to do all this girly stuff? I’ll just leave, shall I?” Anne-Marie turned her face away from him.
“Yes, just go, Michael,” she said. “Just go.” He sloped out of her room, winking at me as he left. He wouldn’t win any awards for being a supportive boyfriend, that’s for sure. Anne-Marie looked at me and then Nydia.
“It’s just you two,” she said. “You think you’re so special. Better than the rest of us.”
I nearly fell over with surprise.
“Er, no!” I said sarcastically. “I think you’ll find that’s you!” Nydia shot me a look and I shrugged at her. “Well it’s true,” I mumbled.
“No,” Anne-Marie said looking right at me. “It’s you – especially you – the TV star. You swan around school like you own the place, like you’re better than everybody else because you’ve already made it. Going on and on about how many fan letters you have to answer a week or what you have to wear to an awards ceremony, complaining because people stop you in the street and ask for your autograph! Poor little you. Boo hoo.” She sniffed and sat up a little straighter.
“I don’t!” I protested, looking at Nydia and wondering exactly why we hadn’t made our exit when we should have, right after my brilliant speech. “I mean, I sometimes talk about it to Nydia but because, well, it really can be hard sometimes. I don’t do it to show off, I don’t do it like that!” I looked at Nydia. “Do I, Nydia?” She pursed her lips and looked at the ceiling for a second.
“Sometimes, you might come across a bit like that – even if you don’t mean to,” she added on the last bit hurriedly. “I think it’s sort of a defence mechanism.”
“Nydia, I don’t! I don’t, do I?” I glanced at Anne-Marie who was looking decidedley self-righteous.
“Look,” Nydia said. “All I’m saying, Ruby, is that in a room full of people who’d give their right arm to be doing what you’re doing, moaning because people ask you for your autograph could possibly be considered to be a bit…stuck-up.” Nydia gave me her best grin as if she had just said something completely different.
“You’re supposed to be on my side,” I said, feeling hurt and confused. “I just stood up for you! Big time!”
“I know,” Nydia said, crossing the room to my side. “And that was really cool. It meant a lot to me. It’s just, wouldn’t it be better at school if we could get along with everyone else? I’m tired of being treated like I’m nothing. I just thought that maybe…” Nydia shrugged and trailed off.
“OK,” I said. “OK, maybe I do come across like that. But what about you, Anne-Marie, what about all the horrible things you’ve said to me and to Nydia? Nydia doesn’t deserve any of that.” I gestured around at her huge bedroom. “I mean, look at all this! You’ve got everything anyone could want. You don’t even have to try to get what you want, your daddy will just give it to you. You’ve got everything.”
Anne-Marie shook her head and dropped her chin, mumbling something under her breath.
“Pardon?” I said, impatiently.
“No, I haven’t,” Anne-Marie said a little louder. “I haven’t got everything anyone could want. I’ve a big house and lots of
things, that’s true. But I’ve got all this instead of the things you have. You were right about my parents. Do you know when the last time I saw my mum was? February, for forty-two minutes in the Heathrow first-class lounge, in between one flight coming in and one going out. She gave me bottle of Ralph Lauren perfume for my birthday. My birthday isn’t until August, but I won’t be seeing her before then apparently.” Nydia and I looked at each other. That was pretty harsh. “And my dad is always in LA. I mean, he’s supposed to come back and see me once a month, and he does come back to England, but he’s always out wheeling and dealing and seeing all his contacts and working. I see him for about half an hour a day while he’s here, if I’m lucky, and even then he’s usually on the phone to someone else. My parents don’t even see each other. And my brother – well, he’s old enough to be able to get out and he does. That just leaves me. Me and Pilar alone in this house. And Pilar’s great but, well, it’s not the same as having a mum to talk to.”
I thought about the way I used to tell my mum everything and I almost felt sorry for her. Anne-Marie sank down on to the bed. It was strange seeing her like this: one minute her good old evil self, then the next looking and acting like, well, like a normal girl.
“But I thought you said you liked it,” I asked normal-girl version, cautiously. “You said you could do what you want.” Anne-Marie sighed.
“It’s no fun being able to do what you want when there’s no one around to tell you not to,” she said. Nydia sat next to her on the bed.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “That must be hard. I don’t know what I’d do without my mum and dad.”
I sighed. I supposed at least I knew deep down that Mum and Dad did love me, even if it looked like they really weren’t going to be together any more. At least I knew if I needed one or both of them they’d be there for me. If what she said was true, Anne-Marie didn’t seem to have that.
“I’m sorry too, I suppose,” I said hesitantly. “Parents are a nightmare, aren’t they? Nydia thinks hers are too lovey-dovey, mine are splitting up.”
Anne-Marie looked at me.
“Oh, I didn’t know, Ruby. That must be tough,” she said. For a second I felt like I was in one of Nydia’s parallel universe film ideas where everything is the same but completely different.
“‘S’all right,” I said. “But, anyway, having stupid parents doesn’t make it OK for you to pick on us, does it? It’s not a reason, is it? I’ve got stupid parents and you don’t see me going around making you cry…” I looked at Anne-Marie’s tear-stained face. “Much. I mean, which Anne-Marie is the real Anne-Marie? The one that goes parading round school like the Queen of Sheba? Or you, like you are now? Nice. Ish.”
“I don’t know,” Anne-Marie said finally after a long pause. She looked up at Nydia. “Everyone, all the girls I mean, expects me to be a certain way. Everyone expects me to be funny and the leader. You two, you’re just easy targets that’s all. And, well, you make it easy, especially you, Nydia. You never fight back. You’re too nice.” Nydia’s eyes widened.
“You hate me because I’m too nice?” she said with disbelief. “Not because I’m fat, or black, or don’t live in a big house like yours. You hate me because I’m nice?” Nydia shook her head. “I don’t understand, Ruby. Why would anybody hate someone because they’re nice?” Her big brown eyes filled with tears and I reached out and held her hand. “Are you saying that if I was cruel and a bully like you and your friends that you’d like me? Is that what you’re saying?”
Anne-Marie shifted uncomfortably on the bed.
“I…no…I don’t know, OK?” She stood up and walked over to Nydia. “Sometimes you sort of forget a person has feelings. You sort of forget they’re real; being mean becomes a sort of habit.” Anne-Marie bit her lip and held out a hand to Nydia. “I’m sorry, Nydia, I really am. I hear myself sometimes and I think, what a nasty cow! And then I realise that it’s me talking. I don’t know how I got to be like that, but I’m sorry, I really am.” Anne-Marie looked up at me. “And I’m sorry for what I’ve done to you too, Ruby. I really am. I suppose that…” She bit her lip. “I suppose I was jealous of everything you’ve got. I suppose that’s the real reason I haven’t been nice to you. You’ve got this incredible role and all that fame – everything that I want. But you say you don’t know which is the real me? Well, I didn’t know the real you until tonight. I still don’t, really.”
I plumped down on to the bed and the three of us sat side by side looking at our feet.
“I’m sorry, too,” I said after a while, “for calling you all those names. I suppose I don’t really know you properly either.”
Anne-Marie nodded. “It’s like we haven’t been going to school together at all!”
We all looked at our toes for a moment longer.
“So what now?” Nydia said.
“Well, I don’t know about you two,” I said, “but I think we should call off the kissing practice.”
Nydia and Anne-Marie chuckled.
“Michael’s run a mile anyway,” Nydia said. “You must have scared him off, Ruby!”
“It doesn’t take much to scare him,” Anne-Marie said ruefully. “He’s not exactly romantic-hero material. I’m thinking of chucking him anyway: he’s nice-looking and everything, but he looks at his reflection more than me.”
We all chuckled again.
“Um, I think we should tell you,” Nydia said. “As we’re making a clean start. We made up the bit about getting you an interview for the show. That was a total lie.”
I rolled my eyes. I’m sure we could have left that bit out and it wouldn’t have mattered.
“Yeah?” Anne-Marie didn’t seem too surprised. “Oh well, I didn’t really think you had any influence in casting, Ruby. And I was going to tell everyone about your kissing practice at school anyway.”
I thought about being offended, then decided I couldn’t be bothered.
“We’re idiots, aren’t we?” I said. “A bunch of stupid, idiotic girls behaving like morons.”
“Yeah,” Nydia said.
“We are,” Anne-Marie agreed. She paused as if considering something.
“I know,” she said finally. “Lets send out for pizza and watch DVDs instead.”
“Good plan,” Nydia and I said.
Anne-Marie half smiled. “Hanging out with two losers – I’m never going to live this down!”
Chapter Seventeen
And from then on everything started changing. Remember that down escalator that I kept trying to run up which never got me anywhere? Well, after that night at Anne-Marie’s house it changed direction. It started going up and up faster and faster, and even if I wanted to I couldn’t get off.
There was nothing I could do to change my life back to the way it had always been and there was nothing I could do to stop it from keeping on changing or to stop me changing too. There was no way that Mum and Dad were going to fall back in love with each other, even if they both still loved me – I was slowly beginning to see that. And funnily enough it was because of Anne-Marie. When she talked about her parents I could see that my dad did love me, even if he couldn’t stay when I asked him. I was still angry with him, still angry that he couldn’t just stay at home and keep things the way they used to be, but I knew he loved me and that I was lucky, because when the anger and the hurt had died down he would still love me. I was luckier than Anne-Marie and I was luckier than Naomi, whose letter I still hadn’t answered. Neither one of them knew that they were loved like I did.
And I was going to kiss Justin, under studio lights, in front of cast and crew, next to a hydrangea, without any practice and without the faintest idea of what I was doing, and there was nothing, nothing I could do about it. I didn’t know what waited for me at the top of those escalators but I thought it was probably a very, very long drop.
When I got back from Anne-Marie’s that night it was way past nine, in fact it was nearly ten. We’d had a long lecture from Nydia’s dad on the way back i
n the car for not calling him to pick us up until late, and I knew I was going to get another from my mum the moment I got in, especially considering the way we had parted earlier in the evening. And I was right, except it wasn’t about being late.
She was standing at the bottom of the stairs when I opened the front door and I wasn’t sure if she’d just been passing or if she’d actually been standing there waiting for me to open it. She crossed her arms and pressed her lips together.
“Sorry I’m late,” I said quickly. “It’s just we got talking and…”
“I’ve just spoken to Nydia’s dad, Rube, so don’t even try it.” I shrugged and took off my coat.
“OK, I’m sorry. But, well, this girl Anne-Marie, she’s got about three hundred DVDs and we were watching this really good film and I just forgot what time it was…” That was more or less true. I decided to skip the part about me, Nydia and Anne-Marie screaming and shouting at each other before we finally sort of seemed to make friends. That part I was still trying to understand. That part I still didn’t quite believe myself.
Mum gave one of her little cross shrugs and walked away from me into the living room. I stood stock-still in the hallway. Normally her lectures went on for much longer than this and involved me being grounded. I was confused. Eventually I decided to just head for my room and hope she’d forgotten all about it.
“I spoke to Liz this evening,” she called out as I started up the stairs. I stopped. I walked back down the stairs and into the living room.
“Oh?” I said. I yawned conspicuously. “Gosh, I’m tired. Silly me for staying out so late…Good night Mu—”
“Ruby, sit down.” Mum’s voice was stern but not really angry. I sat down. hopeful I’d be allowed out again before I turned sixteen. Sometimes Mum has a way of making me feel in the wrong even when I haven’t done anything. “She said she’d been meaning to call me for a couple of weeks now, but after she heard about me and your dad she just had to ring. I’m glad you told her. She’s been very supportive to you since you joined the show.” I shrugged and dropped my chin on to my chest.
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