by HELEN HARDT
I felt exposed, open to violation.
Nine-one-one had deserted me. Jonah had deserted me. Valleycrest Hospital had deserted me.
And now—
The doorknob on my closet door turned ever so slightly.
Chapter Thirty–One
Jonah
Talon and I were ready to go before dinner. I drove over to the main house in my BMW. He was packed and ready to go and was giving his dog, Roger, a pat on the head when I walked in the door.
“Don’t you guys want to stay and eat something first?” Jade asked.
“No,” Talon said. “We just want to get going.”
I nodded. “Yeah, now that I know where to go to get some information, I can’t wait to get started. We’ll pick up something on the way.”
“I understand.” She gave Talon a quick kiss on the lips. “Drive carefully, okay?”
“We will, blue eyes,” Talon said.
My phone buzzed in my back pocket. I pulled it out.
Melanie.
I was no longer interested in what she had to say. She was no doubt calling to apologize for freaking out and leaving without saying good-bye earlier today. I wasn’t in the mood to accept her apology. She didn’t want to be here with me, and I had no use for her at the moment. Right now, my brother needed me, and I would always have my brother’s back. It was the least I could do after failing him that one fateful day.
“You need to take a call?” Talon asked.
I shook my head. “Nothing important. Let’s get on the road.”
Talon took the first driving shift while I made a call to a hotel in Denver and got a reservation. We would arrive there around midnight. We’d have plenty of time to sleep before we met Wendy at ten o’clock the next morning at her mother’s house in Denver.
“Joe?”
I looked up at my brother. He was staring straight at the road. “Yeah?”
“Seriously, what was Dr. Carmichael doing naked in the pool with you?”
I wasn’t in the mood to beat around the bush. “What do you think she was doing?”
Talon grinned. “So you and the doc are an item?”
I cleared my throat. “No. I’m not ready for anything like that, and neither is she.” Clearly, since she hadn’t been able to leave my home fast enough.
“Jonah—” my brother said.
He never called me Jonah. Always Joe. Something serious was about to go down.
“You always try to do what’s best for everybody else. Don’t you think it’s time to do something for yourself?”
“And banging Melanie Carmichael is supposed to be for me?” I rolled my eyes.
“No, I’m not talking about ‘banging.’ I’m talking about something more. I never thought I was capable of having a relationship, but then Jade arrived in my life like a hurricane. She whirled around me and wouldn’t let me go, and she’s been the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“I know. I’m really happy for you.” And I was. My brother’s happiness meant everything to me.
“Good. Be happy for me. And part of being happy for me means you can stop worrying about me. I’m healing. I have Jade. I have a relationship that makes me happy—so happy it’s sickening, really. So stop feeling like you have to be responsible for me.”
If only it were that easy. Trying to see Melanie Carmichael as a therapist hadn’t worked. I hadn’t been able to keep my mind on anything other than her.
But maybe I could see another therapist.
And maybe not.
The truth of the matter was, I didn’t want to talk to anyone except Melanie, but I feared she had her own issues now. And her behavior today had made it clear exactly what she thought of me. I thought again about the phone call she had made to me earlier. Maybe I should’ve picked it up. But I was a little too angry with her to deal with her right now.
She didn’t want to deal with me when I was angry. No one did.
“It’s not that easy, Talon.”
“Don’t you think I know that? If anyone knows that things aren’t always easy, it’s me. Believe me, if I can get through this shit, you can.”
“If I had been doing my job, you wouldn’t have gone through any of it.”
“Oh, for God’s sake. When was it your job to keep your eyes on me every minute? I had my own mind, you know.”
“You were ten. You didn’t know what you were doing.”
“And you were twelve.”
“A few days from my thirteenth birthday.”
“So fucking what? You were a kid, Joe. A kid. Get that through that thick skull of yours.”
“I was the oldest. I was supposed to keep my eye on you two.”
“Says who? Dad? So what? He was far from perfect, and he did a lot of shit that he shouldn’t have. Why the hell did he sweep all of this under the rug? If he hadn’t, the three of us wouldn’t have to be dealing with it now. Maybe Dad didn’t make the right decision. Maybe Dad was wrong.”
“He wasn’t wrong about me being responsible for you two.”
“How can you say that? Of course he was wrong. You were a kid. A twelve-year-old kid. No twelve-year-old kid should be saddled with the responsibility of two younger kids. We had a mother. We had a father. It’s not like you were all we had. You shouldn’t have been charged with our protection. You were one of us. Let. It. Go.”
“That doesn’t make me feel any better.”
“It may not. But Mom and Dad weren’t perfect. They failed me. And they failed you, too. For whatever reason they thought they had to, they hid what happened to me and I was never able to deal with it then. It took me twenty-five years. Twenty-five fucking years, Joe, to even admit that this happened, to be able to say the word ‘rape’ out loud. I lost twenty-five years of my life, and for what? I don’t even know why they did it.”
“I guess that’s what this trip is for—to find out.”
“What if Wendy doesn’t know? What if she doesn’t have the answers we need?”
I sighed. “She may not. But she does have information. She told Jade she did.”
Talon nodded, his gaze still on the road. He was clenching the steering wheel with white knuckles.
“Do you want me to drive for a while?”
He shook his head. “I’m okay.”
“It’s okay for you to be angry.”
“I am angry.”
“And it’s okay to be angry at me.” The minute the words left my lips, I regretted them. Because frankly, I worried he would say the words I feared most—that yes, he was angry with me. He always said he wasn’t, that he didn’t blame me for not being there to protect him, but maybe, somewhere in the back of his mind, he did.
“The only thing I’m angry at you about, Joe, is not letting this go.”
“Pull over,” I said.
“What? We’re on the middle of the highway.”
“Take the next exit. We’re in the middle of nowhere.”
“Why in the hell do you want me to pull over?”
I gritted my teeth. “Because you and I are going to have this out. Now.”
“You’re not going to suck me into this, Joe. I refuse.”
I grabbed the steering wheel. “Goddamnit, I said pull over.” I jerked the steering wheel so the car headed onto the off-ramp.
“What the fuck are you doing?”
“I’m getting off the goddamned road. We are getting out of the car, and you are going to punch me in the face.”
“Are you crazy?”
Maybe I was. I was feeling crazy right now. I hadn’t had a good beating in a while, and my brother, the one I had failed…
And Melanie… I had failed her, too.
She and I were over before we ever began.
I wasn’t interested in her apologies for leaving me so abruptly, and I wasn’t interested in anything else from her.
She was a mess, and I was a mess. The two of us together were a nightmare. Her, I would let go. I had to let her go. I had no choice.
But I could never let my brother go. We were blood. And I couldn’t go until he gave me what I deserved.
“Fine.” Talon jerked the car to stop. “Let’s get this over with.”
He got out of the car. I followed. We were on a back road that led into a few small Western slope towns. It was doubtful anyone would come by, and that was exactly how I wanted it.
I stalked around to my brother. “Come on. Take a shot. I know you’ve wanted to for twenty-five years.”
“Oh, hell, no. This is your battle, Joe, not mine. I forgave you a long time ago.”
“A-ha. So you admit there was something to forgive.”
Talon raked his fingers through his tousled hair. “Jesus Christ.”
“Take your best shot, little brother. I’m not getting back into the car until you do.”
“You’re fighting with yourself. Smack yourself around a little. Maybe that’ll help.”
I advanced on my brother, grabbed him by his shirt collar, and shoved him up against the car. “I’ve tried everything, you know. You want to know why I ended up in the hospital that time? It wasn’t because some thugs randomly jumped me in an alley. I had gone looking for it. I had instigated it.”
His mouth dropped open. “I wondered what happened. I know you, Joe. I know how tough you are, how mean you are. You could kick pretty much anybody’s ass.”
“And guess what? That wasn’t the first time. I’d gotten my ass kicked before, just never bad enough to end up in the hospital. So now you know about the pain that runs through me. And I’m afraid it won’t go away until you punch it out of me.”
“Why me?”
“You know why.”
“You didn’t fail me, goddamnit.”
“You can say that all day, Talon. You can say it until the end of time, and neither you nor I will believe it.”
“Joe…”
“You know I’m right. If I had been there for you, if I had gone with you like you asked me to, those guys never would’ve gotten you. You wouldn’t have been held captive for two months. You wouldn’t have been raped, Talon.”
His cheeks reddened, and his lips trembled. Within a minute, my brother had broken my hold and turned me around up against the car, gripping me as I had been gripping him a second before.
“Is this what you want, brother?” he said, gritting his teeth. “This is what you want? You want me to fuck you up?”
Please, I said inside my head. Yes, please, that’s what I want.
But even as I thought those words, I knew it wouldn’t help to have Talon take a shot at me.
It hadn’t helped the other times.
And even though this time, Talon would be doing the beating, it still wouldn’t help.
No one could beat the guilt out of me. Melanie had taught me that.
This was so ridiculous, so absurd. I began laughing despite myself.
The only one who could beat my guilt out of me was me.
“Now you’re laughing?” Talon released me. “Joe, you’re going to be the death of me.”
I cleared my throat. “You’ve got a good hold, Tal.”
“No more than you do. You can kick my ass, and you know it.”
I let out a small chuckle. “Maybe. Maybe not. We’re probably pretty evenly matched.”
“You were really going to let me kick your ass, weren’t you?”
“I sure thought I was.” I looked around at the gorgeous mountain scenery. “But I kind of had an epiphany. For some reason, I had the idea that getting my ass kicked would help my guilt. Funny thing though, the guilt never went away.”
“What made you think it might be different this time?”
“You’re the one I wronged. Maybe if you kicked the guilt out of me, it would take this time.”
He leaned back on the car. “Bro, it doesn’t work that way.”
“Yeah, I figured that out while you were choking me.” I looked at him seriously. “Was there ever any time when you did actually blame me? Be honest.”
Talon grabbed a handful of his hair. “I’ve actually thought about that a lot. And consciously, no, I didn’t blame you, but I did resent you.”
“Why?”
“It wasn’t you so much as anybody but me. I always wondered, why me? Why hadn’t it been you or anyone else that day? Why did it have to be me?”
“Did you come up with any answers?”
“No. I was in the right place at the right time. Or rather, the wrong place at the wrong time.” He chuckled. “You know, I came pretty close to punching your lights out. You were pissing me off. If you hadn’t started laughing…”
“I wonder if I would’ve felt better if you had.”
“Maybe for a few minutes. But only a few minutes. The only one who can heal you is you, Joe. Your Dr. Carmichael taught me that.”
She wasn’t my Dr. Carmichael. She wasn’t mine at all.
“Look,” my brother said. “You’re the toughest guy I know. You always have been. You never took any shit from anyone. You’re a lot like Dad in that regard. More so than either Ryan or I are.”
I looked down at my feet. “Sometimes I’m not sure that’s a good thing. Yeah, Dad did a lot of things right, but he sure gave me a hell of a burden to bear. It was nothing compared to the burden you had to bear, though.”
“I won’t argue with you there, bro.” Talon swiped his forehead. “But maybe Wendy will have some answers. Maybe we can figure out why Dad put those burdens on both of us.”
“You want to get going?”
“Sure.” Talon adjusted his shirt. “You hungry? We missed dinner, you know.”
“Hell, I could sure use a drink. But we’re both driving.”
“One drink won’t hurt either of us,” Talon said. “Let’s get back on the highway, and the next place we see that has a bar and grill, we’ll stop.”
“Sounds good.” I drew in a breath. “Look, Tal—”
“It’s all right. I understand.”
His dark eyes were genuine. He did understand. My brother was an amazing person, and he would never have come so far without—
Melanie.
I should’ve picked up her call.
How could I have thought it possible, mere minutes ago, to let her go? I couldn’t allow her to disappear from my life. I needed her. Perhaps she needed me a little too.
Talon jiggled the keys at me. “You want to drive for a while?”
“No,” I said. “I have a call to make.”
Chapter Thirty–Two
Melanie
A black mask. Black everything. When the lights in the bedroom hit my eyes, I squinted.
“Get up, bitch,” the masked man said.
I trembled, my panic consuming me. Nine-one-one hadn’t responded. Jonah hadn’t responded. I was utterly alone. Alone and vulnerable, with nothing but a damp towel separating my naked body from the mercy of this man. This had to be a nightmare—a nightmare of jagged glass and broken promises. Exactly what I deserved.
“Who are you?”
“Just somebody who wants to see you punished.”
My cold blood turned to ice. “Punished for what?” But I already knew what I deserved to be punished for.
“Did you not hear me the first time? I said, ‘get up, bitch.’”
I timidly rose to my feet, holding the brown suede pump behind me. The man was tall and large, dressed from head to toe in all black.
“Y-You’ve got the wrong person.”
“No, I don’t. What are you hiding behind your back?”
Without thinking, I lunged toward him with the shoe, but he grabbed my arm, stopping me.
“Feisty, huh?” He took the shoe and then ripped the towel from me. “I wish I had time to give you a taste of my big cock.”
I shrank back into the closet, nausea rising in my throat, but he pulled me forward, right into his body, my naked skin pressed against the black fabric of his clothing.
“Unfortunately, I’m on a tight schedule.”
&n
bsp; I silently thanked whatever deity was watching over me for this perpetrator’s tight schedule. Surely, I would be raped, beaten, or worse, killed, before this was over, but the short respite seemed like a gift from above.
“Turn around,” he said.
I didn’t, and his fist came into my cheek with a dull thud. Pain surged through my cheek and jaw, and I screamed.
No one had ever hit me before.
I stood, trembling.
“I said, ‘turn around,’ bitch.” He pulled at a length of rope tied to his belt loop.
Rope like I’d seen the “mayor” purchasing at the hardware store in Snow Creek earlier today.
“You want to taste my fist again?” He leered at me.
I turned around slowly, still trembling.
He pulled my hands behind me and tied them together with the rope. I closed my eyes, squeezing them shut. Maybe I was finally getting what I deserved. Whoever this was had probably been sent by Gina Cates’s parents. They wanted to see me suffer. They wanted me to pay for what had happened to their daughter and now for what her mother was going through.
In that moment, I made a rash decision—a decision so foreign to me that I became numb to my attacker’s touch. I would succumb to whatever punishment the universe had in store for me. It was no less than the punishment Gina had endured. In fact, it wouldn’t be nearly as harsh. Maybe I deserved to die, as she had died.
This was my penance for not being able to help Gina. For letting her flounder. For letting her die.
When he was done tying my hands, he pulled me toward him, my back to his chest.
“Do what you want to me,” I said. “I no longer care.”
Something bit my neck, and I jerked around. His ice-blue eyes stared at me.
Ice-blue eyes.
And then they faded…blurry…wavy…
Until the curtain fell.
My mouth was dry. The walls were fuzzy, but appeared to be painted blue—a very light blue. I was on a bed, and my wrists were no longer bound. I was dressed in a sweatshirt and sweatpants, gray, too large. I brought my wrists to my eyes. They were red and chafed from the rope.
