by Anna Paige
“He said he could tell how much Spencer loved me. Told me that Spencer was right about him. That Derek could love me for the next thirty years and never come close to what I’d had with Spencer these past thirty days.”
Her brows rose. “Spencer actually said that?”
“Yeah. That and a lot more.”
“And you still kept up the pretense that you wanted Derek?”
“Yes.” I had no idea how Spencer’s words hadn’t broken my resolve, they’d certainly broken my heart. Because they were true. There wouldn’t ever be anything close to what we had. And I didn’t intend to even try. “But in my defense, I half-hoped he wouldn’t believe it, that he’d have more faith in me than that. He obviously didn’t. If he truly loved and trusted me as much as he claimed to, he never would have bought that shit for a minute. Maybe that’s why I did it, to see if he would believe the worst of me.”
Ali was shaking her head again, incredulous. “Never in my life have I heard of such relentless, deliberate stupidity.”
“Gee, don’t hold back. Feel free to speak your mind, bestie.” I rolled my eyes.
“That’s right, I am your best friend. Have been all your life, so suck it up. This is why people have best friends, to call them out when they are colossally fucking up. What’s our mantra? Best fucking bitches, right? We don’t take the easy way, don’t sugarcoat the truth. Total honesty. You did that for me when Clay and I broke up last summer, didn’t you? I seem to recall being called a coward, sitting through hours of your lecturing about how I would be letting my ex win if I let what he did to me cost me the love of my life.” She squinted over at me. “Any of that ringing a bell for you?”
“So, what? You’re saying I’m letting Amelia’s memory ruin my life?” I glared back at her, disbelieving.
She jerked upright and spoke through gritted teeth. “I have never wanted to smack the piss out of you more than I do right now. I would never, ever suggest such a thing. I’m saying you’re letting the cancer ruin your life. The fear of it, the misguided assumption that it was something you did, something you caused somehow.” Her shoulders slumped and she reached for my hand. “I’m not saying you shouldn’t hold tight to her memory. I do.” She thumbed the locket at her throat with her free hand. “And you’re always going to be her mother, that’s who you are. It’s not something that was lost when she was. You’re a mother whether your child is in the next room, the next state, or the next life. Be proud of that, be proud that you made her life as happy as you possibly could while you had her. You were a great mother to her, and you would be a great mother to another child, if you gave yourself the chance. There is nothing to suggest that the type of cancer she had could be genetically linked, sweetie. Nothing. You’re worrying for no reason.”
“Just because they haven’t found a link doesn’t mean it’s not there. How can I take that risk?”
Ali threw her head back and groaned in frustration. “You take a risk every time you leave the apartment, every time you cross the street, every time you make any choice at all, you’re risking making the wrong decision. But you do it every day because it’s just a part of life.”
“That’s different and you know it. No one is suffering because I crossed the street.”
She stilled and I saw the victory in her eyes. “Well now, let’s see what I can do to pick apart that statement, shall we?” She all but rubbed her hands together with glee. “So, let’s go back a few weeks. You chose to open the door and let Spencer in. You chose to build a friendship with him. You chose to trust him with your body and your heart—despite your fear. Am I correct thus far?”
I leveled my gaze at her and said nothing.
“I’ll take that as a yes.” She smirked. “The two of you had an amazing time together, laughed, talked, made love. You were happy, both of you, for the time you had. Weren’t you?” My silence annoyed her and she raised her voice. “Weren’t you? Totally in love with a man who loved you just as fiercely. Right?”
I nodded, knowing where she was going.
“And now that it’s over—no matter the reason—do you wish it never happened? Was it a mistake to love him?” She watched me, her expression softening. “Or will you carry those memories with you for the rest of your life, holding them close and finding comfort in the fact that it was real, if only for a while? Just like you do with your memories of Amelia.”
Tears spilled down my cheeks and I squeezed her hand, silently pleading for her to stop.
“Sweetie, what you’re doing is causing real, maybe irreparable, damage. You made this choice knowing it would hurt him, and if you say a small hurt now will save a big hurt later, you’re kidding yourself. This is big. Right now. You’re throwing away a guarantee because you’re afraid of a maybe. And in doing so, you took his choices away. He didn’t get to choose you, convince you, or reassure you. You never gave him that chance. Hell, maybe he would have been fine with adoption. Did you ever think of that? I mean, you were adopted and your parents adore the hell out of you, just like you would in their shoes. Why not at least consider that? I just don’t get this, honey.” She softened her voice and patted my hand again.
“Because I’m not replacing my child, goddamn it!” I screamed through a fresh batch of tears, shaking with anger and fear and hurt. “I can’t be a mother to another child without feeling like I’m trying to replace her, forget her. Why don’t you see that? Why doesn’t anyone understand how much that would hurt her, how disrespectful that would be to her memory? She was my baby, dammit, my life, and I can’t just start over like she never existed!” My heart pounded in my ears and I had to fight back the myriad of images trying to flash through my mind. I’d imagined Amelia’s face a million times over the last four years. Every time I thought about the future, I felt guilty that I still had one and she didn’t.
It wasn’t fair.
And it was disrespectful to be happy without her.
Ali sat there in stunned silence, blinking slowly, as the color drained from her face. I’d never yelled at her, and I’d never voiced aloud my true feelings about becoming a mother again.
When she found her voice, she looked over at me with something akin to pity, a look that made my heart skip because she’d never looked at me that way before. I didn’t like it one bit. “Sweetie, that’s not what you’d be doing. She would want you to be happy.” I started to shake my head but she waved me off, not letting me argue. “Even with everything she went through, every round of chemo, every test and scan and needle jab, she was still a happy child. She smiled and laughed every day of her life, including the last. And, Talia, her smiles were always bigger, her laughter a little louder, when you were smiling and laughing with her. Your happiness was her happiness. And it still could be. Make her happy; honor her by being happy yourself.” She offered a soft smile. "Don't run from Spencer because he makes you want something you're afraid of. If you're honest with yourself, you know that's what this is all about. You look at him and envision a future — want a future you don't think you deserve and that terrifies you.”
I stared at my hands for a while, wringing the blanket in my fingers as tears fell onto it and soaked into the soft fabric. I didn’t want to talk about this anymore. Instead, I wiped my face and tossed back the blanket, getting to my feet.
Ali jumped up behind me, startled. “Where are you going?”
“I’m getting some decent clothes on. I think I’m ready to go for that drink now.”
GINA CLIMBED INTO the taxi with a wide smile and chattered about how great the club was supposed to be. Her excitement was adorable. Since she worked nights more often than not, she hadn’t had a chance to check the place out yet, but she’d heard rave reviews from friends and even a few regulars at the restaurant.
I didn’t give a rat’s ass what the place was like as long as it had top shelf liquor and music loud enough to drown out the nagging voice in my head. The nagging voice at my side—namely Ali—had thankfully gone silent, mostly in
deference to Gina’s presence.
Gina asked her about the wedding, all of the planning left to do, the honeymoon, and sat enthralled as Ali told her that she had let her mother talk her into having a lavish wedding in the city, despite her plans to do a simple ceremony in Denson first. It wasn’t exactly news to me, but I found myself listening intently as Ali outlined everything still to be handled while casting me pleading glances. She knew I’d handle it. I was already helping plan the reception, what was a little more added to the list? Maybe it would keep me from losing my shit while I came to terms with the end of my relationship with Spencer.
I nodded to her and smiled. “I’ve got you covered, you know I do. But if your mother starts her shit again, I can’t be held liable for my actions. That woman would make the Pope swear.”
She chuckled, a knowing smile on her face. “And drink... and maybe smoke, too. But she was adamant that people would be offended at being invited to a reception-only event.” She lowered her head and muttered, “Plus, I think Clay gets a kick out of knowing Holden will be footing the obscenely high bill for all of it.”
“Ah, so that’s why he’s going along with this. I knew I liked him for a reason,” I laughed, feeling a little better now that I was focused on something else. If we could keep the conversation going in this direction, I might just be okay.
Gina’s presence acted as a buffer because Ali knew how private I was, and she’d sooner die than disrespect that.
I didn’t want my personal affairs to become known at the restaurant. Not that Gina was a gossip, but I still wasn’t going there. I wanted the restaurant to be my safe place, just as it always had been. If I told Gina about my breakup with Spencer, even if she never said a word about it to me at work, I would feel it seeping into every interaction with her because I would know that she knew. It was the same reason no one there knew about Amelia. The restaurant—which had been in the works before Amelia got sick—opened a year after I lost her, so the employees had no clue what had happened. And none of them would know about this either.
Tonight, I wanted to talk about anything on earth except Spencer Erickson.
“So, where’s that tall drink of water you’ve been swooning over these last few weeks? He give you a break from burning up the sheets so you could make a public appearance? Aside from work, of course, and even then he’s made you late a few times...” Gina nudged my elbow with a wink. “Judging from that dark, intimidating thing he has going, I bet he’s a total freak in bed, too. Lucky bitch.” She sighed longingly and looked over at Ali with a grin before turning her wistful gaze out the window. “We should all be so fortunate. I mean, I love Greg and all, but he’s so straight-laced his pubes don’t even curl.” She rolled her eyes dramatically.
My laugh was so loud and so sudden it made everyone in the car jump. Ali joined me and soon we were all holding our sides and swiping at our eyes, laughing hysterically. Even the driver was cracking up, much to our delight. His deep male chuckles just fueled the hilarity of the situation.
Thank goodness for friends like Ali and Gina.
Between the two of them, they just might get me through this shit.
Once things settled down, Gina tried again. “So, is Mister Dark and Brooding ready for the kink yet?”
I sobered quickly, all humor lost in the dark sea of his ebony eyes as they flashed in my mind. I clamped my jaw shut before my chin could tremble and looked at her with the most impassive expression I could muster. “Gina, behave yourself. You have a boyfriend. And tonight is about us girls having fun. For all we know, this may be as close to a bachelorette party as Ali will get. Let’s have fun and focus on her tonight.”
She looked ready to argue but Ali cut her off. “Yeah, dammit.” She fake pouted. “The bride wants her party. I’m the princess, bitches, give me attention.”
Gina chuckled and started fawning over Ali, content to indulge her.
Ali winked at me and I sighed in relief.
Crisis averted. For now.
Spencer
CLAY MADE HIS way across the room and nodded to the half-empty bottle on the table between Brant and I, slipping into the seat across from me as Brant slid around to the back of the horseshoe-shaped booth between us. “I see you two decided to wait.” He quirked a brow and lifted the bottle to inspect it.
Brant snickered softly and pointed at me. “His idea, dude. I was just being polite. Can’t let my boy drink alone, right?”
I ignored the pointed look Clay was giving me and flagged down our server for another glass. No one spoke until it had been delivered and we were once again alone in our darkened corner booth.
Clay sipped his bourbon and gave a nod of approval. “Not bad. It isn’t my usual brand but it’s decent.” He returned the glass to the table and flicked a glance my way. “So, I gather from all the drama that your little fling with Talia has come to an end.”
I shook my head to clear it. Why would he assume...? Right, the ‘girl emergency.’ I’d finally forced it all from my mind for a moment, fleeting as it was. Oh, fuck it. It was probably better that Clay already knew the deal. I shrugged absently and told him what he expected to hear. “Looks that way. Oh well, it was fun while it lasted.”
“I bet.” He scrubbed a hand over his face and I realized for the first time that he looked worn, tired.
Brant noticed too, because he immediately said, “Damn, Clay. The haggard look doesn’t suit you. They working the shit out of you out there or what?”
“Something like that. Between the hours on site and time with the design team, I barely have any time to spend with Ali, much less help her prepare for the wedding. I think she is going to enlist Talia for a few more things because we may not finish up at the park until a few days before the wedding, a week if we’re lucky.”
The impulse to volunteer to help Talia was strong for about half a second, then the fist squeezing my heart reminded me that she wouldn’t want my help. Maybe Derek could be of assistance. I picked up my glass and drained it, dropping it to the table with more force than I intended before smiling meekly at the server who’d stared at me from across the bar with a wince.
Clay spoke up again. “Spence, are we going to have to rearrange shit to keep you and Talia from killing each other or can you play nice for the wedding? Well, weddings... Eileen finally got Ali to agree to a ‘traditional’ wedding here instead of just a reception but the Denson wedding is still on for the week before.” He pinned me with a stare. “Will I need a referee for you two?”
I scoffed at him, blowing out a breath and lying through my teeth. “Hardly. I’m not even upset by the whole thing. She isn’t either. We both knew it didn’t mean anything. Chances are, she’s just worried that our little tryst might have upset you and Ali. Best friends of the bride and groom, hooking up and adding unnecessary complications to an already stressful event.” I gave him my best staged smile. “We’re capable of being adults about it. She’s already moved on, back with the ex who has been hounding her the last few weeks.” I tried for a new topic. “Seems to me, if anyone was going to give you trouble at the wedding, it would be Lauren. Didn’t I hear that Ali invited her, at least to the one in Denson?”
Clay waved me off, unaffected. “Nothing to worry about there, she declined. She said she’d feel out of place, all things considered.” Like the fact that Lauren had been partially responsible for a lot of the bad shit that had happened to Ali the previous summer. Technically, she’d been blackmailed into it, but still. Ali was a better person than me. I never would have forgiven something like that. He focused on me again with narrowed eyes. “And don’t change the subject. We were discussing you and the maid of honor. You sure you’re good?”
I shrugged again, playing the part. “It’s really no big deal, man. It was just fucking. We all do it, and it doesn’t have to mean anything. You of all people know that.”
Clay didn’t say anything, just sat there watching me. After a while, he blew out a breath and smiled. “Yeah
, I guess you’re right. Sorry for getting in your shit. I was just trying to gauge how much arguing I was going to have to do with Ali because you know damn well if it came down to it, if we had to choose sides, she and I would have been at odds over it.”
Brant had remained silent while I flat out lied to my best friend about the nature of my relationship with Talia but at Clay’s statement, he sat up and smirked. “Spencer knows that, don’t you Spence? You know Clay would never side against you, no matter what.”
Fucking smartass.
I nodded and shifted my attention back to Clay. “Wait, so if you’re going to be working right up until the wedding, when the hell are we supposed to have your bachelor party?”
He and Brant both frowned and glanced at each other for a second before turning back to me and raising their glasses, chanting in unison. “Right fucking now!”
I smirked at them and nodded. “Hell, yeah.”
Clay reached out and slapped my shoulder. “And now that you got that first post-divorce fling out of the way, it’s time to get you back on the whores.”
“Horse,” Brant corrected, chuckling into his glass and moving to exit the booth.
Clay shot him a look that suggested he was dense and slapped my back again, looking me straight in the eye. “I stand by my statement.”
I could only shake my head and smile.
Brant headed off to the men’s room and Clay’s jovial tone vanished.
“So, you’re sure you’re okay and this thing with Talia was no big deal?” He asked in an even voice, not necessarily prying, just checking in now that it was only the two of us.
“Yes. I’m fine. Everything is good,” I bit out, trying not to let my annoyance get the best of me. I didn’t want to think about this shit right now. There would be plenty of time for that later. A lifetime, actually.
He leveled his gaze at me, assessing. “And if I asked Talia, would she answer the same way?”
