But at some point, Tanner believed they needed to move on, and he’d shared that thought in their final phone conversation.
Tanner’s eyes adjusted to the dark, and he could see his roommates sleeping soundly. He sighed, lifted his head, and turned his pillow over. Of course they were sleeping. None of them had let God down in the weeks before taking this trip. None of them had a troubled fiancée a million miles away. He lifted his head again and folded the pillow in half.
He thought of the Scripture about temptation and God providing a way out. No doubt, God had given him ways of escape that night. Tanner had simply ignored the warnings.
He sighed and tried to think of something else. It wasn’t always a good thing to dwell too long on Jade. Feelings of repentance tended to give way to feelings far less pure.
He was counting down the days until next summer. Two-hundred and seventy-two, come morning. As far as he was concerned, the school year couldn’t go by quickly enough, because then Jade would be his wife. Once that happened, the feelings that plagued him now would be a blessing.
On the first day of the trip, he had written her a lengthy letter apologizing for being impatient with her when they last talked. He missed her, loved her, couldn’t wait to see her, couldn’t wait for the day—not far off—when he could marry her. His letters since then spoke everything he felt in his heart; … he hoped she had received them by now.
Tanner prayed for Jade often and thought of her throughout the day. But as he turned onto his side again, in the early morning hours of his tenth day in the field, he couldn’t get the image of her out of his mind. It wasn’t desire he felt, but concern, alarm.
Tanner flipped onto his stomach and stared out the dirty windowpane to the swaying silhouette of maple trees outside. What is this, God? What’s wrong? Why is she so heavily on my heart?
Jade’s in trouble, my son. Pray. Pray quickly.
He heard the urging in his heart and felt a sense of terrifying alarm. Without hesitation he closed his eyes, bowed his head and for the next hour—sometimes in tears—he prayed for the woman he loved with all his heart.
The rains had started again, helping to wash away the memories of summer that haunted Jade. It was Monday afternoon, and she sat on the familiar box under the covered front porch praying for wisdom and waiting for her father to come home. She had to tell him soon; her health coverage was provided through her father’s job at the garage. But how would he ever understand? What would he do to her once he found out? And how was it that forty-eight hours earlier everything had seemed like it was going to work out?
No matter how the facts shouted the truth, she still found herself wanting to believe Tanner. If she thought it might change the truth, she would have called Mrs. Eastman and told her how badly mistaken she must have been about Tanner, how Tanner had never been with any woman before and how he would always love her more than life itself.
But every time she reached for the telephone, she remembered the photographs. And the fact that she’d still not received even a single letter from Tanner. Then the reality—as impossible as it was—would set in.
There was a rumbling at the end of the street, and Jade knew it was her father’s pickup. She glanced at her watch. Four o’clock. That meant he’d run out of work early and spent the hours since lunch at the bar. Jade clenched her jaw. Lord, give me the words. Help him understand.
She watched her father swing the pickup into the driveway and squarely hit a rain-filled rut before jerking the truck to a stop. He staggered out of the truck, and Jade was seized with a fear she’d felt hundreds of time. Dad … you’re going to kill someone driving like that.
He walked slowly, tripping over his feet and very nearly falling on the porch steps before he stopped, lurched slightly, and spotted her.
“Whatcha doin’ home? Aren’t ya supposed ta be with them sick kids?”
Jade’s heart pounded. Maybe she should wait and tell him some other time, when he hadn’t been drinking. She swallowed and stepped toward him, and the alcohol on his breath assaulted her sense. If she waited until he was sober, she might never have the chance. It was now or never.
“I’m not working today, Daddy.” There was disgust on his face as he studied her. Then he shrugged and turned away. She took another step in his direction. “I have something to tell you.”
Her father spun slowly back around and scowled in a way that made Jade’s insides shrivel. He waited a moment and then shouted at her. “Well … spit it out!”
“Daddy, let’s go inside.”
Her father did not look happy, but he moved into the house and flung himself into his recliner. Jade followed and sat on the sofa across from him. She picked at the foam rubber sticking out from holes in the cushion. Help me, God. Please.
“Daddy, something’s happened and you need to know. I want you to know.”
A strange, angry look filled her father’s eyes, and he pushed himself up straighter in his chair as he glared at Jade. “What’d you do?”
Her response came quickly. “Nothing … I mean.” She was filled with shame. “Tanner and I …” She paused. “Daddy, I’m pregnant. I have to see a doctor.”
Her father leaned back slowly in his chair, his mouth twisted into a sneer. “So, I was right all these years. You turned into a slut jus’ like your dear old mother.”
“Daddy, I’m not a—”
“Ah, shut up!” Her father narrowed his eyes, his face flushed. Jade wondered how much he’d had to drink, and she was suddenly afraid of him. He snarled when he spoke again. “You don’t need a doctor for an abortion. Clinics do that kinda thing.”
Jade shook her head. “No, Daddy, I’m not getting an abortion. I want this baby. But I need to see a doctor.”
Her father eyed her as if she were worthless. “Where’s the won’erful neighbor boy who got the goods from you? If you’re havin’ his baby, why don’t you go live with him?”
“He’s gone. He’s … he’s not in the picture anymore.”
Her father came out of his chair so suddenly that Jade gasped. In seconds he was towering over her, glaring at her. “He’s not in the picture because you’re a no-good whore—” he raised his hand over her—“like your mother.” As he said the last word, his hand came down and slapped her, hard, across the face.
The stinging force took Jade by surprise, and she cried out as her head rocked back from the impact. She brought her arms up, cowering behind them in an effort to stave off any more blows.
Her father’s hand was still raised, but he lowered it slowly. He looked less angry and more shocked at what he had done, but his eyes still glistened with contempt. “I always told you Jim Rudolph was the best thing that ever happened to you. He’d a married you. But now that you’re knocked up he won’t want you, either. No one’ll want you.”
Jade tried desperately to stop the tears, but they came anyway. What can I say to make him understand? “Daddy, I’m an adult now. I’ll get a place of my own, and I won’t be in your way. But I need your help. I can’t go through this alone.”
Her father sneered at her. “You’ll get no help from me. You made your bed … now you can lay in it. Just like a pig in its slop. I won’t be respo’sible for your brat.”
Jade stared at her father, stunned. She had expected him to be angry, but this … There was no way around what he was telling her now. He wanted nothing to do with her. “Daddy, I’ll—”
“Get out! Get your things and leave. You’ve got yourself in grown-up trouble, Jade.” Her father was shouting, shaking in anger, and Jade feared he might hit her again. “Now be a grown-up and get out!”
Jade considered ignoring her father’s command, writing it off as something crazy spoken in a moment of intoxication. But then her father’s eyes locked onto hers, and in them she saw that no amount of time or circumstances could change the truth. He didn’t love her.
But I love you, my child. I know the plans I have for you.…
Jade blinked back the voice. If God
loved her, he had a strange way of showing it. As for his plans … they had disappeared weeks ago in Tanner Eastman’s bedroom.
Her father took a step toward her, his fist raised again. “Get out!”
Jade wondered how she had lived with him this long. If he wanted her out, then she would leave. And whatever happened, she would not look back. Not ever.
She turned and went to her bedroom. In an hour she had stuffed all her worldly possessions into three pillowcases and an old suitcase. There wasn’t much. She hadn’t saved scrapbooks from high school or photo albums of days gone by. There were a dozen mystery novels, a photograph of her in her mother’s arms when she was two, and a dozen journals and diaries. She had barely enough clothes and shoes to fill the suitcase. A few posters and knickknacks.
Everything Tanner had given her she placed in a small box. A dried rose, several cards including the one he’d given her their last night together. Two teddy bears, a gold bracelet, and a framed photograph of the two of them taken by a passerby one afternoon when they were at the river.
She looked over the collection and thought ahead fifteen years to a time when her child might treasure them—the only reminder of a father who never existed. But then she pictured Mrs. Eastman and her sickly sweet smile threatening to steal her child with a team of powerful lawyers if she dared tell the truth about who the baby’s father was.
She wasn’t afraid of her child’s eventual questions, but she was terrified of Mrs. Eastman’s threats and the hatred behind them. No one would ever find out Tanner was this baby’s father, even if she had to eradicate all signs of him from her life. Trash day was tomorrow. Folding the container so the contents would stay put, she carried it outside and pushed it deep inside the trash can.
Exactly where her box of dreams—and everything associated with Tanner Eastman—belonged.
When she was finished packing and loading her car, she found her father snoring on the sofa, two empty beer cans lying on the carpet below him. She studied him for a long moment and wondered if she should wake him and tell him good-bye. This would, in all likelihood, be the last time she stood in this living room, the last time she saw him.
But she was strangely unaffected.
She studied him one final time, his undershirt riding up on his belly, his workpants covered with week-old grease stains. She could hear his accusations as clearly as if he were still shouting at her. You’re an idiot, Jade … worthless, just like your mother.…
Jade felt no connection whatsoever to the man lying before her. He never loved me. Even in his sober moments. He had felt guilt and remorse and inadequacy. But never love, Jade was sure of it. And she would not tell him good-bye. If this was how it felt to have a father, she was thankful her child would be spared.
Jade turned and without looking back she left, walking away from the house where she’d spent eleven years, and leaving all the sordid, sad memories that went along with it.
Later that evening, Buddy Conner woke up, belched loudly and rubbed his bare belly. Stupid undershirt never stayed put. He stood, moved his tongue along the inside of his pasty mouth, and tried to remember if there were any beers left in the refrigerator.
“Jade, get me a beer.” He waited but there was no response. “Jade!”
Then he remembered. She was pregnant and he’d told her to leave. He hadn’t really meant it. The girl could live here for a while, anyway. She was his daughter, after all. And he hadn’t exactly been surprised by her announcement; he’d always known she would wind up like her mother. He raised his voice. “Jade, get in here.”
His words echoed through the house, but there was no response. Buddy scratched his armpit and shuffled down the hall to Jade’s room. Posters were gone from the walls, and her closet was empty.
He shrugged. She was gone, but she’d be back when she figured out how hard it was living on the streets with a baby on the way. They could live with him, but if Jade thought he was going to raise the kid, she was in for a rude awakening. No, sir, not Buddy Conner. He was a busy man, and he had no intentions of raising some fatherless brat.
He huffed as he moved back down the hallway. He was a generous man, but he had to draw a line somewhere. The effects of a perpetual hangover pulsed at Buddy’s temples and he thought about getting a drink. But there was something he had to do first. Now that he was sober enough to concentrate and Jade wasn’t around.
He lumbered into his bedroom, pulled out his top dresser drawer and took out a bundle of three envelopes. Letters from that snobby neighbor boy, postmarked Hungary. Buddy carried the letters into the kitchen and ripped them into a dozen pieces. He may not have been a very good father—he may not have been a lot of things—but at least he’d kept these letters from Jade. Uppity kid like Tanner Eastman wanted one thing and only one thing from a girl like Jade. Well, he’d gotten what he wanted, but he wasn’t getting anymore. Buddy simply wasn’t going to stand by and watch the guy break his little girl’s heart.
He wadded up the torn pieces of the boy’s letters and tossed them in the kitchen trashcan where they settled unceremoniously on a pile of rotting spaghetti and beer-soaked cigarette ashes.
Jade would never know the difference.
Seventeen
DRIVING SEEMED TO BE THE ANSWER AT FIRST. SHE HEADED TOWARD 1-5. “Where do I go, Lord? Where would you have me set up a home for this child? How can I ever make it alone?”
Tears streamed down her face as she drove, making it difficult to see. The windshield wipers swished out a rhythm, and the rhythm became taunting words in her head: Whore, whore, whore, whore …
Every movement was another reminder. Jade blinked back her tears so she could see the road more clearly, but they continued to come. She had lost everything except the one thing no one would ever take away from her.
Jade placed her hand over her abdomen and massaged the area gently. Stay safe, little one. Mommy’s here. Mommy’ll never, ever leave you, baby. She realized that she would have to withdraw from fall classes at the college. She had more to think about than school. On her way out of town she stopped at Kelso General, and when she had collected herself, she went inside and informed the head nurse on the children’s unit that she was going to be gone for a while.
“Everything okay, Jade?” The woman looked concerned. “You look like you’ve been crying.”
For a moment she wanted to tell the old nurse everything, but then she stopped herself. There was no point making the staff at Kelso General think poorly of her. They would know soon enough. “I’ll be all right. I’ll let you know when I can come back.”
Before she left, she checked on Shaunie, who was back in the hospital with more kidney problems. But the child had been discharged earlier that day. It was fitting. There wasn’t anything keeping her in Kelso anymore.
She drove to the freeway, heading south toward Portland. Without realizing her plan, she exited west Highway 26, and two hours later she was at the beach. The rain came down in heavy sheets, and she pulled into the parking lot of a motel with a neon-lit sign that promised color TV and vacancies. The paint was peeling on the office door. She paid forty-two dollars cash and took her room.
A small table and chair sat by a narrow glass door overlooking a deserted highway and beyond that the ocean. She was too frightened to cry, too painfully aware of the truth. She was twenty years old, pregnant, without a friend in the world or medical benefits, and with barely enough money to get her through her pregnancy. What would she do then?
She thought about praying but changed her mind. It hadn’t helped her so far. If anything, it had brought her bad luck. Jade chastised herself for thinking that way It wasn’t bad luck, just a lack of connection with the Lord. God had saved her, but like her earthly father, he no longer seemed to want anything to do with her.
For I know the plans I have for you.…
Jade disregarded the thought. No, if she was going to find hope and a future out of this problem, she was going to have to find it herself. Sh
e sat back in the chair, motionless, allowing herself to sort through the possibilities. There were relatively few, really, and each of them involved single parenting, full-time daycare, state-provided medical treatment, welfare, and low-income housing. There were children who managed to do well under such circumstances.
Jade began to shiver. Not my baby.
The sun disappeared beyond the water and hours passed. Ten o’clock. Ten-thirty. Eleven. Still Jade sat, unmoving, desperately trying to think of a solution.
Then, just after midnight, the answer came. It was so obvious she didn’t know why she hadn’t thought about it before. As soon as she formulated the plan, she began to cry, her heart sinking like sand in an hourglass. Is this it, Lord? My hope and future?
She didn’t wait for a response. I don’t care; I’m doing this. It’s the only choice I have.
The cost will be high.
Jade squeezed her eyes shut, willing away the holy whispers that ricocheted about in the corners of her mind. It’s my life.
You were bought with a price.
Jade’s crying grew harder, and she felt herself losing control. This time she answered out loud. “Stop! I have no choice.…”
No, my daughter, you do have a choice. I know the plans I have for you … plans to give you hope and a future.
Jade covered her ears with her hands. I have no hope, no future. She wrapped her arms around her midsection. I have to do this. Now, leave me alone!
Silence.
Jade waited, but the voice had stopped. God may not have wanted her to do the thing she was about to do. But he hadn’t provided any alternative, either. She thought about the plan and realized it was true, the cost would be high. Nothing less than her heart and soul. But if it meant protecting her child, it was a price she was willing to pay.
In return, her baby would never lack anything. There would be food and a warm bed and a mommy and daddy. What more could a child need? She fell asleep then, dreaming of the infant inside her and whether he or she would have Tanner’s eyes or his tall, athletic frame.
A Moment of Weakness: Book 2 in the Forever Faithful trilogy Page 14
