“You’re not kissing me back.” Jim had stared at her. “Why’d you come if you weren’t sure about me, Jade?”
She remembered nearly every detail of that first afternoon. She had apologized and forced herself to return his kiss. Jim did most of the talking after that. Jade recognized his desire, and when he suggested a quick wedding, she agreed.
On her honeymoon night, as Jim undressed her, Jade had felt disgusted, worthless, a shell of the woman she’d been only a week earlier. Jim had whispered, “You’re so beautiful, Jade, I can’t believe you’re finally mine.” And while he spoke, Jade packed what was left of her heart and hid it away so that all Jim took from her that night was her body.
When they were finished, he turned to her and studied her. “I always knew you’d come to me one day, Jade. I’ve wanted you since the first day I saw you, and deep down I know you’ve always felt the same way.” He kissed her again. “I promise to make you happy.”
There were other times in their marriage when Jim uttered similar promises to her, and Jade believed he had intended to keep them. But she’d never been comforted by his words. She remembered being overwhelmed by the deepest sense of grief. Almost as if someone had died.…
Only now did the feeling make sense. The death had been her own.
Jade drew a deep breath and remembered that though she’d been suffering morning sickness the day after her wedding, she had managed to hide it from her new husband. After that, they settled into a routine. He worked; she looked for a job, and when she didn’t greet him with a smile or seem to enjoy their time in bed, he would look at her, an odd sadness in his eyes.
So Jade worked harder. After a month, she was so good at acting, Jim seemed to believe her when she told him she was happy. About that time, she broke the news about being pregnant.
A strange look had crossed Jim’s face, something hard and a bit frightening. For a moment, Jade was sure he knew the truth. Instead he just smiled. “Any baby of yours is bound to be beautiful, Jade. Let’s make sure we keep an eye on your weight.”
The subtle attacks on her faith began about a month later.
She could see him still, shaking his head at her for reading her Bible.
“Myths and fables, Jade. Surely you know that.…” He put his hands on her shoulders, massaging them. “Of course, some of it makes sense. Doesn’t the Bible say something about the wife’s body belonging to her husband?”
She didn’t think Jim meant harm with his comments. Not really. Faith in God was simply foreign to him. Since she didn’t want to argue, Jade had never known what to say, how to answer him. Usually he didn’t give her enough time anyway. He’d tug the Bible from her hands, smiling at her. “How about focusing less time on this little book and more on your husband?”
She grew frustrated with herself at the memory. Why had she rushed into marriage in the first place? So that Ty would have a father, a real home with two parents, and dinner that wasn’t provided by the government? In light of the crisis she was facing now, the reasons seemed ridiculously unimportant.
Why was I so dense, Lord? Why didn’t I see how poorly matched we were. How far apart we were? And how much those differences would hurt us? She stretched her legs across her bed and eased down into the pillows. There was no denying what had happened. She had known Jim wasn’t right for her, recognized it all along. That’s why she turned down Jim’s proposal. But when Tanner betrayed her, she listened to her own reasoning rather than listening to the Lord. In the process, she had hurried into the marriage with Jim. Why didn’t I wait on you, God?
She felt tears form as the question hung in her mind. There were other times, moments that made being married to Jim tolerable. They had quiet nights with rented movies and popcorn and conversations about his students. Those had ended in the last few years … a fact Jade hadn’t understood until now.
One thing she did know; God hated divorce. It was his will that they remain married and that somehow, through some miracle, Jim might turn his heart to God and change his ways.
Even now Jade desperately wished Jim would hear God’s voice and change his mind. The Lord could breathe man into existence. Surely, he could heal her hurt and Jim’s betrayal and change him into a believing, godly husband.
Jade set her Bible down and slipped her hands behind her head. Now that she’d had time to think about it, Jade realized he’d probably been having an affair with Kathy for more than a year. Before that, she was sure he’d been faithful. Whatever the reason, she’d held some sort of spell over Jim since their teenage days.
“Sometimes I hate your faith, Jade,” he told her once. “But there’s something about you, something I’ve always wanted to call my own. And now that I have you, I won’t let you go. Not ever.”
It was Kathy Wittenberg who’d put him over the edge. Whatever he felt for Kathy had served to break the spell. In that woman’s company, Jim had begun seeing Jade’s community involvement as more than an annoyance.
She wanted to believe there was still hope for their marriage. But lately, especially during her quiet times with God, Jade had begun to accept her situation for what it was. Jim wasn’t coming back; and if she didn’t get significant help from Tanner and the CPRR, Jim and Kathy could wind up with Ty.
Jade turned and gazed out her bedroom window. The pain she felt wasn’t about Jim; it was about missing Ty, missing the stable life she had always wanted for him. Jim’s affair hadn’t hurt her the way it might have. After all, he had never owned even a small piece of her heart, and he couldn’t break what he didn’t have.
Not like Tanner had.
She pulled on a pair of new jeans, a white turtleneck, and a sweatshirt with the words Shamrock Elementary printed on the front. Jim had taken an apartment across town near the high school. Ty had called each night during the past week and informed her that he had his own bedroom and spent much of his time there.
“Dad’s girlfriend is here all the time. They sit on the couch and do all this mushy stuff, so I just go to my bedroom every night and read and talk to you. Mom, I hate this so much.”
In many ways, Jade felt like they were both in prison, unable to be together, at the mercy of a man who did not love Ty and a legal system that no longer valued faith. A system that, in fact, rebelled against it. Jade sprayed her favorite perfume and ran a brush through her hair. She always took care of herself, and today would be no exception. Even if her world was crashing in all around her.
She was tired of thinking about Jim and what had gone wrong in their marriage. With an hour left before her scheduled visit, she curled up in a comfortable chair nestled in the corner of her bedroom and gazed out the window. The tulips were making their way out of the ground, and in a few weeks they would dot the Northwest with a brilliance that seemed almost artificial.
The landscape faded, and suddenly Jade’s mind drifted back to the classroom, remembering Tanner the way he’d looked a few days earlier. Why had he acted so strangely? He was the one who’d lied, the one who’d gotten other women pregnant and shunned his responsibility as a father. How could he question the fact that she hadn’t called him?
She sighed and watched a hawk drift over the makeshift baseball field across the street. His flight lasted less than a minute before he swept down, grabbed a mouse in his talons, and soared back to his perch in the trees.
That was her. The helpless field mouse. There for the taking for whatever hawk might choose to sweep overhead. Last week the hawk had been Jim and his attorney, then the judge, and now Tanner. It didn’t really matter. Now that she’d lost Ty, Jade would gladly take a ride in the talons of any bird of prey. If it meant getting Ty back, she’d do whatever God asked of her. Even spending time with Tanner.
Lord, if only you’ll help me survive it all.
There was only silence.
Are you there, God? Jade closed her eyes and tried to hear his voice. Finally, faintly a single Scripture ran through her mind: I know the plans I have for you … plan
s to give you hope and a future. Jade sighed and felt her eyes fill with tears. That wasn’t the voice of God. It was memories of her past. Seeing Tanner had brought them to mind again, but clearly they did not apply to her situation now. Her future plans had evaporated like rain on an August afternoon. Life was nothing without Ty.
Jade stood and wiped her eyes dry. It was time. She was about to spend an hour with her son, and at that moment she didn’t care that it would be in the presence of deputies. Before now, she and Ty had never been apart longer than a night, and no matter the circumstances all she wanted was to hold him and feel him in her arms again.
She made the drive quickly and saw that the officers were waiting. One of them rolled down the squad car window and motioned for her to join them. She parked and did as they asked.
“We don’t think the boy’s in any danger, ma’am.” The older deputy did the talking. “Crazy case, if you ask me.”
Jade shifted positions. “What are you saying? Can I visit with him alone?”
The deputy shook his head. “Nope. ’Fraid not. But how about we wait right here? Catch up on our paperwork. You and the boy can sit in your car or on the grass here. Wherever you like. We’ll stay out of your way.”
Jade’s heart swelled. These men were on her side. They saw how ridiculous the situation was. She smiled at them through eyes clouded with tears. “Thank you.”
The older officer tipped his head and leaned back in his seat, directing his attention to the paperwork on his lap. Drawing a deep breath, Jade turned, walked up to the apartment, and rang the doorbell. It took Ty just seconds to fling the door open and run into Jade’s arms.
“Mom!” Her son’s arms flew around her neck.
“Oh, honey, I’ve missed you so much.” She forced herself not to cry. Ty was so happy to see her she didn’t want to give him a reason to be sad.
They sat together on the porch step, Jade with her arm around Ty as he told her about school and basketball and his father’s girlfriend. “She’s not even pretty, Mom.”
“Is that right?” Jade grinned at her son.
“Oh, man, you should see her. Big nose. Big teeth. I think she teaches biology or something. Probably spends her days mopping up frog guts.”
Jade laughed. It felt so good to be with Ty again, and it made her more determined than ever. She would work with Tanner, and very soon she would regain custody of her son. For now, Jim was paying the mortgage and sending her enough money to survive. But eventually—after she won the case—she and Ty would move to another state, and she would have to get a job. That way she wouldn’t have to rely on Jim, and after a year or two he was bound to give up the custody issue. Then she could have Ty all to herself.
The hour flew by, and long before she was ready to leave, Jim poked his head out. “Time’s up.”
Jade wanted to ask him when he’d become such an attentive father that he might actually miss an hour of Ty’s time. She wanted to shout a dozen retorts at him and kick the door shut. Instead, she just nodded.
Give me the right words, Lord. Everything I say he’ll write down and pass along to his attorney. Help me, please.
She felt a peace wash over her. “Thank you, Jim.” She smiled at her husband and turned to Ty. “I’m sorry, honey, what were you saying?”
Her composure seemed to irritate Jim, and he raised his voice. “I said time’s up. Now get out of here before I have the deputies haul you out in handcuffs.”
Ty began crying, and he stood up, facing Jim. His fists were clenched, and his face was red with anger. “Leave her alone!”
Jim opened the door wider and raised his hand threateningly over Ty. Just as he was about to strike the boy, he realized the deputies were watching him. Easing back into the house, Jim hissed at Ty from a place just out of view of the patrol car. “Don’t you sass off to me, boy, you hear?”
Ty was sobbing harder, and he said nothing as Jim disappeared back into the house. Instead, he turned to Jade and wrapped his arms around her neck. “Don’t leave me here, please, Mom.”
Jade tried to speak, but a lump had formed in her throat. She blinked back tears and struggled to find her voice. “It’s okay, honey.” She ran a hand over his back and thought about the last time they’d said good-bye. Was this how it was going to be every Saturday until she got him back? And what if Tanner couldn’t make it happen? What if she didn’t get her son back? She closed her eyes tightly and held him close. “You can come home soon, Ty. I promise.”
The boy was still crying, but he pulled away, his eyes pleading with her. “Dad said I can’t ever go home. He said he was going to take you apart for the whole world to see.”
A flicker of anger became a hot, burning flame in Jade’s heart. “He has no right telling you that, honey. It isn’t true.”
Ty hung his head. “He says a lot of bad things about you, Mom.”
Jade felt like she was suffocating. Help me, God. This is your problem, not mine. I can’t deal with it alone. She drew a deep breath. “I’m sorry he’s doing that. But you know the truth, right?”
Ty wiped his eyes and seemed to catch his breath. “Don’t worry, Mom. I know you a lot better than that.”
“Okay. Let’s pray before I go, huh?”
Ty sat beside her again and held her hand as Jade led them in prayer, begging God to end their separation and to let the truth be known. When they were finished, Ty hugged her, kissed her, and promised to call each night.
“Hurry, Mom, please. I want to come home.”
Ty kissed her one last time and then vanished behind the apartment door. Jade walked back to her car, waved to the officers, and slipped behind the wheel. There, safely away from Jim and Kathy and Ty and the deputies, Jade cried as if her heart would break.
Ty’s pained expression and the way he’d begged her not to leave haunted her as she drove home. If Jim wanted to fight, then she was going to have to be a worthy opponent. Especially when the stakes were so high. As she parked the car and went inside she begged God to give her a way out, show her a way in which she might be more effective.
Pray, my daughter. Bring it to me in prayer.
Of course. Jade pulled out her Bible study list and began making phone calls. They would have to meet the following evening because Jade would be busy the rest of the week. Any other time they might have postponed the gathering altogether. But the group hadn’t met since she’d lost custody of Ty. These were faithful women, friends who would jump to her assistance and pray without ceasing until the matter was resolved and Ty was home where he belonged. If ever she needed the prayers of her friends, it was now.
One by one the women in the Bible study group arrived at her house until finally Jade was ready to begin. When they were all arranged in a circle, she drew a shallow breath and began speaking. “You’ve all seen the newspapers?” She looked at the faces around her and saw compassion there.
“So it’s all true.?” Susan leaned forward, her elbows on her knees. “They took Ty because you’re a Christian?”
“That’s not what they’re saying. The judge said my extreme views were unhealthy for a young child and that he’d be safer with his father.”
Jackie sat across from Jade, and tears filled her eyes. “That means they took Ty because of your faith. It’s the same thing. What they’re basically saying is that the courts feel it’s okay to take our children away if we choose to stand up for what we believe in.”
Jade nodded. “That’s right.”
“Are you doing okay financially?” Jackie hadn’t asked before, but Jade didn’t mind discussing the issue with these women.
“I’m fine. Jim’s paying the mortgage and sending me enough money to survive. Maybe just to make himself look good, but at least I’m okay that way.” She wanted to ask them to pray about the situation with Tanner, but she wasn’t sure what to say. None of the women knew about Tanner and the role he’d played in her life ten years ago. Still, she needed their prayers on every side, and she thought quic
kly how best to ask.
“There’s going to be a press conference tomorrow, is that right?” Jackie’s face was tear streaked, masked with concern.
“Right. And there’s something else. The man who’s going to represent me is Tanner Eastman.”
Lydia perked up. “I’ve heard of him. He’s perfect for this kind of case.”
Jackie nodded. “A Christian man, brilliant and full of integrity. Sounds like an answer to prayer.”
“He’s the perfect guy if you ask me.” Susan smiled. She was a single mother and often commented on how few unmarried Christian men there were. “Single, gorgeous, and sold out to God. Maybe you could introduce me.”
Jade knew Susan was joking, but she couldn’t bring herself to laugh. If only they knew the truth.… “Tanner and I were friends a long time ago, and, well, just pray about that, too. That I’ll have the strength to get through it.”
Susan squirmed uncomfortably in her chair and seemed to be fighting herself to keep from asking a question. In a matter of seconds she lost the battle and spoke out. “Were you and Tanner … you know … did you date him?”
Jade shook her head quickly. “Nothing like that. But there were some hard feelings. I don’t want what happened in the past to play a part in this situation.” She hung her head, and tears spilled from her eyes onto the legs of her jeans. “The only thing that matters is Ty. That’s what the press conference is all about.”
Jade saw that Susan wasn’t convinced about the role Tanner had played in her life. Either way the discussion about Tanner was closed. Jade shifted her gaze to the other women and reached for a tissue from a nearby endtable. “Also please pray I say the right things in front of the cameras tomorrow. I need to maintain my stance on morality and faith and somehow avoid coming across as weird or different because of it.”
A Moment of Weakness: Book 2 in the Forever Faithful trilogy Page 25
