A Moment of Weakness: Book 2 in the Forever Faithful trilogy

by Kingsbury, Karen

  Jade shrugged and opened the car door. “We might as well get it over with.”

  “Look, if you don’t want to—”

  “No, I’m sorry.” They’d come this far. Now she almost wanted to tell him the truth about what she knew. “I have a lot on my mind, but you’re right. I think we should talk.”

  Tanner shrugged and started his engine again. “Okay. I’ll follow you.”

  She climbed out, shut the door, and headed for her car. Fifteen minutes later they pulled up outside her home in Clackamas, a suburb in southeast Portland. They entered the house in silence.

  “Nice.” Tanner was making small talk, and Jade could tell he was uncomfortable. It was just before six, and Jade had no interest in making him feel at home. The news was about to come on.

  “Thanks.” She set out paper plates and napkins and moved into the TV room. “The news should be on in a minute.”

  Tanner helped himself to pizza and joined her. “Try ABC first.”

  She turned the channel until she found it. A serious-looking anchor told viewers that there was more trouble in Yugoslavia. “But first, we’ll update you on a story that is sweeping the nation. Last week Jade Rudolph lost custody of her only son because a Portland judge deemed her viewpoints too religious, too narrow and possibly damaging to the boy. Today, Ms. Rudolph staged a press conference in the Portland Municipal Court Building alongside her attorney, religious rights fighter Tanner Eastman.”

  The network cut to a live shot of Tanner and his opening remarks. While a reporter shared the voice-over summary, cameras moved on to a shot of Jade responding to the question about censorship.

  “Sometimes censorship is necessary.…” They cut Jade’s remarks there, and Tanner groaned. The reporter picked up with narrative that explained some of Jade’s attempts to censor local markets and libraries. The anchor bridged to the next story by telling viewers that maybe the time had come to consider this type of thinking dangerous. Especially where children were concerned.

  Jade felt her face grow hot. “How could she? They took that completely out of context.”

  Tanner sighed and situated himself so he could see her better. “I was afraid they’d do that. The minute you said it, I wanted to jump in and tell them what you meant.”

  “I told them what I meant.” Jade didn’t need Tanner explaining her to the press.

  “Okay, but you paused.” Tanner set his pizza down. “Pauses are deadly in this type situation because it gives them the perfect opportunity to cut.”

  The television remote shook in Jade’s hand, and she flicked the channel. There she was, saying the same thing on the competing network. Only CNN included several of her statements as well as her comment on censorship. But even they were quick to say that this case might have enough merit to stand an appeal.

  Why, God? Why, when you’ve always been so faithful to me?

  She felt sick to her stomach as she prayed. Another flip through the channels showed that the other networks presented similar stories. By six-thirty, Jade flicked off the television.

  For a moment there was silence. Waves of nausea battered Jade’s insides, and she felt dizzy. “Well?”

  “It’s not good. But I don’t think it’ll hurt us too badly.”

  Jade stood up and paced away from Tanner. “What do you mean, you don’t think it’ll hurt us too badly? They made me look like a fundamentalist freak! Of course that’ll hurt us.” She whirled around and stared at him.

  “Public opinion is a tricky thing, Jade. Some people might side with you because … well, because you’re beautiful. No matter what you said.”

  He still thinks I’m—

  Jade felt her face growing hot, and she was silently thankful he couldn’t read her mind. “But they’ll probably turn against me because of what I said, isn’t that what’s worrying you?”

  “People might watch and think if you’re pro-censorship, then maybe you are too extreme to raise a little boy.”

  Jade sat back down again, dropped her head in her hands and massaged her temples with her thumbs. “This whole thing is crazy!”

  “You and I know that, but not the viewing audience.” She felt Tanner’s hand on her arm, and she changed positions so that it fell to his side once more. Tanner hesitated, and Jade wondered if he was going to say something about her moving away. Instead he sighed and said, “They only get what they see. And what they hear.”

  Jade tried not to think about what she had said, the line that had made her look like a fanatic. “So we’ve already lost.” She could feel herself beginning to shake. She’d had one chance to face the public and tell them something that would help win back Ty. And now she’d blown it. If she didn’t get him back, it would be her own fault.

  “No, there’s still time. Like I said, it’s possible some of the people will agree with you. There’s an undercurrent of thinking among many circles that perhaps our country has too much freedom of speech.”

  “What good will that do?” Jade hugged herself, willing her body to stop trembling.

  “It depends. The judge will be swayed by public opinion. Whether that’s in our favor or not will make all the difference in the world.”

  “So what can we do?”

  Tanner leaned over his knees and met her eyes so intently Jade felt forced to look away. “Pray that people see it your way.”

  Jade fell back into the sofa and hung her head as tears fell to her knees. From the corner of her eye she saw Tanner move toward her and then hesitate, as if he’d changed his mind. Three feet separated them, and Jade saw pride in his eyes as he studied her. “Who cares what people think. You did great, Jade. Look at the bright side.… When you get Ty back you can come work for me.”

  Jade glanced up, and through her tears she felt herself smile. From somewhere deep in her heart a warning sounded: Don’t let him charm you again. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “I could use an attorney like you. Get your law degree, and who knows.” Tanner grinned, but Jade could see sadness in his eyes.

  Jade was no longer smiling. Come on, Tanner, don’t play with me. Not after all we’ve been through, all the lies you’ve told me. She crossed her arms and waited for him to be serious again.

  In the wake of Jade’s silence, Tanner shifted uncomfortably and changed the subject. “Really, Jade, you did great. That press conference was amazing.”

  Jade relaxed her shoulders and felt her defenses drop. There were still tears in her eyes, and she said, “I’m so worried about it. You do think we’ll get Ty back still, don’t you?”

  Tanner’s face clouded. “It all depends on the judge.”

  Jade thought about losing Ty for several months, even years, and she felt herself grow faint. It was impossible. Ty wanted to be with her; didn’t that count for something?

  “Lawyers, people in legal circles, they talk about this kind of case.” He hesitated. “There are a few judges who might handle the hearing, but like I said before, word is we’ll get Judge Wilder. If that’s the case, it could mean serious trouble. She doesn’t exactly broadcast her opinions, but people in the business know how she thinks. I’m afraid she might want to make an example out of this case.”

  “What?” Jade felt the room closing in on her. “She can’t do that.”

  Again Tanner started to move closer and changed his mind. “If she’s the judge, she can do whatever she wants. I could ask for a different judge, but like I said, she doesn’t make her opinions public. Technically there wouldn’t be any grounds to grant a change.”

  Jade’s throat was suddenly dry. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

  “There’s still a chance we’ll get someone else.” Tanner’s gaze fell to his hands, and he sighed.

  More warnings sounded on the panel in Jade’s heart. Judge Wilder would take Ty away forever and then—God, why aren’t you helping us? “Isn’t there anything we can do?”

  Tanner nodded and met her eyes once more. “Yes. That’s why
we needed this press conference.”

  Jade hadn’t expected Tanner to have any doubts. But with Judge Wilder … Her body trembled with panic. “If we lose the hearing, then what happens?”

  “We appeal it again. All the way to the Supreme Court if we have to.”

  Jade let her head fall back against the sofa. “That could take a year. Two years, even. Maybe three.” She thought of Ty and the way he’d begged her to take him home. “I don’t have three years.”

  Moving slowly, cautiously, Tanner made his way closer to Jade and gently squeezed her knee. “I know that, Jade. Pray for a different judge. If we get Wilder, I’ll do everything I can. I’m just trying to be honest with you.”

  Don’t touch me. Jade adjusted herself once more so Tanner’s hand fell away again.

  “I guess that brings us—” Tanner took in the distance between them and drew a deep breath—“to the reason we’re here tonight.”

  Jade sat up straight and turned so she could see him. “I guess.”

  “You’re angry with me, aren’t you?”

  Jade remembered how it felt when Doris Eastman told her about Tanner’s children—little Amy and Justin. She thought about how Tanner had left her alone and how he’d lied to her that summer. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.”

  Tanner seemed to struggle for a moment, as if his own anger were bubbling just beneath the surface. She waited. The house was silent except for the subtle whirring of the refrigerator and the persistent ticking of Jade’s grandfather clock in the next room. Tanner trained his eyes on hers and appeared to search for the right words. Finally he drew a deep breath.

  “All day I’ve been thinking about this moment, wondering why in the world you’d be mad at me. And I have to tell you, Jade, I’m still in the dark.”

  “Come on, Tanner.…” Jade was tired of playing games.

  “I’m serious. I come back from Hungary, and you’ve married someone else.” His eyes flashed, and Jade wondered how he could maintain his act so well. Did he really think he could keep the truth about his past a secret from her? “I’m sure you must have had your reasons, but really … I think you owe me an explanation, and whatever it is, I don’t think it gives you the right to be mad.”

  That was it. Jade had heard all she could take. “Is that right?”

  “Yes. You hurt me, Jade. I still don’t know why you did it.”

  Jade cocked her head and leveled her gaze at him. “Do the names Amy and Justin mean anything to you, Tanner?”

  Tanner thought a moment and his brow creased. “Yes … so? What do they have to do with us?”

  She wanted to slap him. “They have everything to do with us. Did you really think I could go on with my plans to marry you after I found out about them?”

  Tanner released a frustrated sigh and leaned closer to Jade, his face a web of confusion. “You’re losing me, here. Who told you about Amy and Justin?”

  “Your mother.” Jade had to force herself to lower her voice. How could he sit there and—

  “My mother? When did you talk to her?” Tanner leaned forward and dug his elbows into his thighs. His face was contorted in what seemed like genuine and utter confusion.

  At that instant a thought dawned on Jade, a thought so terrible it caused a churning terror deep in her gut. What if Doris Eastman had lied? What if that was why Tanner was so calm about her knowledge of Amy and Justin? After all, the truth was out, and still Tanner showed no signs of remorse, no shame. “I met with your mother a week after you left for Hungary. I wanted to talk to her about.” Careful, Jade. Careful. She heeded her own warning and her earlier fears. “We … agreed to meet for tea one afternoon.”

  Tanner looked puzzled. “And she told you about Amy and Justin?”

  “Yes!” Jade felt tears burning her eyes. “How could you, Tanner? How could you lie to me all summer long? And how could you turn your back on those children?”

  Tanner drew a deep breath and stood up. He paced the floor from the sofa to the kitchen and back. Finally he sat down and turned once more to Jade. “First of all, I never lied to you.” He struggled to maintain his composure.

  “How can you say that?” He had lied a dozen times, and now he was lying again. Wasn’t he? Everything Doris told her was true, wasn’t it? Jade had a strange feeling about the entire conversation and tears of anger and confusion streamed down her face.

  “The question I have for you is this: Why do you care about my brother’s children? What in the world do they have to do with you and me?”

  Tanner’s words settled around her like a series of hand grenades. She sat motionless for a beat, unable to move or think. Unable even to breathe. “Your brother’s children?” Flashes of light began exploding in Jade’s mind. It couldn’t be true.… It wasn’t possible.… “Amy and Justin are … Your mother … she said they were …”

  The emotions tore through Tanner’s features until his face was a study of controlled fury. He came closer and took Jade’s hands in his. “What did she say, Jade?”

  “Amy … and Justin … she said …” No, God, it can’t be.…

  “My brother Harry is ten years older. He has two children, Amy and Justin. Now what did my mother say?”

  One by one Tanner’s words exploded in her heart until Jade’s breathing came faster and her heart raced with uncertainty. How could she have—“What are you talking about? Your mother said …”

  “My mother said what?” Tanner held her hands more tightly now, and Jade could see the anger building in his eyes.

  “Your mother said you’d … you’d had lots of women.” Jade felt as though she were free-falling through space, as if their conversation were something from a disjointed dream. In that instant she hated herself. You idiot! You believed that old woman and now—

  Tanner squeezed her hands. “What else, Jade? What did she say?”

  Jade’s breathing was quicker now, jerky, a desperate gasping. She was hyperventilating, and black spots danced before her eyes. Calm down. You have to get through this. Help me, God. Please. “She said they were your children, and … and you didn’t care about them. You were … you’d been with many women and paid for their … abortions.”

  Tanner burst to his feet, and his voice boomed through the house. “What? She said that Amy and Justin were my children?”

  There was nothing Jade could do. Everything about her entire existence was being sucked from her so quickly she was convinced she would die from the shock. Her teeth were chattering so that she could barely speak. “Y-y-yes.”

  Hot, burning rage filled Tanner’s eyes, and he stared at Jade. “She told you that and … and you believed her?” He spun around and kept his back to her for what seemed like an eternity.

  Jade struggled to breathe. Calm … be calm. This can’t be happening. Her heart raced faster in response. How could she have believed.? The woman was an evil, treacherous monster. Jade closed her eyes. No matter how hateful Mrs. Eastman had been, Jade knew she was worse.

  She had believed the old woman instead of believing Tanner.

  Jade heard him sigh, and she opened her eyes. He turned toward her and fell to one knee like a man who’d just been shot through the heart. His eyes looked like two open wounds. In a voice broken beyond description, he whispered the words again. “Jade? You believed her?”

  Jade couldn’t bear to see his pain any longer, and she closed her eyes again. Dear God, what have I done? Why? Why did I believe Doris Eastman so quickly? Then she remembered the faces of Amy and Justin, suddenly as fresh in her mind as the day Tanner’s mother had shown them to her. Her eyes shot open and met his, imploring him to understand. “Pictures … She had snapshots. One of each of the children. She said they were yours … and … and they looked … just like you.”

  This time Tanner closed his eyes, and when he opened them his face was filled with regret. “Of course she had pictures. Harry moved to Montana the year you and your dad left for Kelso. He got married three years later and bo
ught a ranch. He’s lived there ever since.” Tanner paused. “Harry sends pictures once a year.”

  Jade searched her mind but found no memories of Harry. Had she ever known about him? Even when they were kids? No wonder his mother knew the pictures would work. Jade’s mind raced once more, desperate for an explanation. “Why didn’t … why didn’t you talk about him?”

  “He’s ten years older than I am. I guess he never came up.”

  This couldn’t be happening. A lifetime of devastating choices couldn’t possibly have been based on a pack of lies whispered on a quiet afternoon ten years ago.

  “Did I ever meet him?”

  Tanner wrung his hands and stared at the floor. “Probably not. He left home when he was eighteen. A year before you and I met.”

  Jade did the math in her head. Her teeth were still chattering, and she had the sense she might faint at any moment. “S-so that summer he would have been … in his early thirties.”

  Tanner nodded and glanced up at her. “Amy was about four then, Justin two.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me about the kids? They’re your niece and nephew.” Jade was grasping at straws, still reeling from the shock.

  Tanner shrugged and moved back up on the sofa next to Jade, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. “You never asked.”

  Jade was surprised she was sill conscious. What have I done, Lord? How can this be happening? She felt suspended in midair, as though there were nothing solid to stand on or cling to. She knew in that instant that Tanner was being completely honest with her—that he’d always been honest with her and that there had been no other women, no paid abortions. He had been truthful all along, and Jade thought surely the realization would kill her.

  To think that every bad thing she’d believed about Tanner had been a lie … a lie concocted by a vindictive old woman whose heart pumped pure venom. And now he was marrying someone—

  “I can’t believe she’d tell you that … and you’d believe her.” Tanner buried his face in his hands and when he looked up at Jade again, his voice was angry but quieter than before. “I thought … I thought you knew me better than that.”