Doris blinked and the image disappeared. When had she stopped feeling that way about the Lord? Three years later? four? She was seventeen when she met Hap, and she remembered them discussing the Bible on their dates. But sometime before they married things had changed between her and God. The image of Angela Conner appeared, and she gritted her teeth. Yes, that’s when everything had changed. When Hap gave in to Angela Conner.
God had allowed Hap to fall, and Doris must have decided she had no one to lean on but herself. The days of sweet fellowship with the Lord died a quiet death after that.
Doris never stopped claiming an allegiance to Christ. It wasn’t that she disbelieved him. But she had never quite forgiven him for letting her down where Hap was concerned. Over the years, her hard feelings toward God grew into a distance that now—even with the chest pains—seemed too vast to cross.
Doris returned to her bedroom, sank into a swivel chair, and leaned against the backseat. Her chest pains eased. Had she come so far from that day on the creek bank that she had actually stopped listening to God? Stopped loving him? She closed her eyes, and the Scriptures returned.
Anyone whose name was not written in the Lamb’s book of life was cast into the lake of.
No! God loved her too much to threaten her with fire. Her name was there in the Lamb’s book. Surely it was.
Repent! Repent or I will remove your lampstand.…
Another image filled Doris’s mind, and this time she stared at it in horror. A cross, anchored on a lonely hill bearing the shadowy figure of a dying Christ.
In that moment a tidal wave of remorse crashed down upon Doris, driving her to her knees. And though her bones ached at the odd position, she hung her head and felt the strangest sensation. Her eyes burned and grew moist, and Doris realized what it was. Tears. She hadn’t cried in decades, and now a torrent of tears were fighting their way free from the depth of her heart, where they had been trapped so long they’d nearly dried up.
She had become a hard, ugly old woman. A person who preferred to play God rather than talk to him. A liar, a gossip, a slanderer. In that moment she knew she was without a hope should the chest pains grow worse and demand her life.
No wonder she feared death. She thought of the lake of fire, the eternal lake of fire, and suddenly she was desperate for God’s saving grace and mercy. Desperate to know she was free from her calloused past.
“Forgive me!” She cried out the words, begging God to hear her. “I’m sorry. Please change me.”
Doris sobbed, remembering the precious child she’d been, repulsed by the monster she’d become. As her tears slowed, she caught her breath and realized something had changed.
The fear was gone.
Confess your sins to one another so that you may be healed.…
Confess. Yes, that was it. It wasn’t too late after all. She would call Tanner and confess. The realization should have brought her peace, but instead she was seized by a new kind of chest pain. This time it felt like an elephant was sitting on her chest.
Call Tanner, my daughter. Confess.…
I’ll do it. It’s what I need to do. Her breathing had become labored, and she struggled to find the energy to move. What was happening to her? The pains grew worse in response, and suddenly she knew.
She was having a heart attack.
She was going to die without having a chance to tell Tanner. He hadn’t called her since his return from Portland, and somehow she was certain he’d found out about her lies. Fading in and out of consciousness, Doris gasped for breath and thought how sad it was that she would die at peace with God and at odds with her favorite son.
If only she could reach the phone and call him, let him know she was sorry. Tell him the truth about Jade’s son … his son.
Again the pains grew more intense, and Doris fell back against the sofa. There was nothing to do now but wait. This is it, the real thing. Doris closed her eyes and accepted death without a fight.
If the Lord was going to take her home before she had a chance to make things right with Tanner, then she’d have to trust God that somehow, someday, Tanner would know the truth. And that he’d understand how sorry she was for lying in the first place.
“Forgive me … Tanner.” Her voice was a frail whisper. “Forgive me.…”
A sense of peace washed over her, and she saw another vision: her name written in the Lamb’s book. And she knew that despite her faithlessness through the years, despite the horrid thing she’d done to Tanner and Jade, God had been merciful. He had always been merciful. Her body slumped onto the floor, and then the sounds around her faded.
And in that instant, the world around her went dark.
Thirty-two
SINCE RETURNING TO LOS ANGELES, TANNER HAD BUSIED HIMSELF in preparations for the hearing. With the entire nation watching for the verdict, he had spent nearly as much time praying about the case as he’d spent researching it. By Thursday afternoon, Tanner had a peace about the hearing that whatever came of it, God would be glorified in the process. And that was enough for him.
The most difficult aspect of preparing Jade’s case was the fact that his personal life was falling apart. He had been avoiding his mother and still had no idea when he would confront her or what he would say when he did so. She had lied to him, done everything in her power to manipulate him. And for that he would always struggle with his feelings of anger toward her and the possibilities of what might have been. In many ways she had ruined his life by sending Jade into the arms of another man while he was too far away to do anything to stop her.
But, Tanner knew he would have to deal with his mother later. First he had to deal with Leslie.
He had lain awake the past few nights imagining life with Leslie, being married to a woman who was not capable of giving her heart and all of who she was to him the way Jade had done. It wasn’t fair to either of them that he would constantly compare their relationship with the one he’d shared with Jade. And years from now—even after sharing his life with her day in and day out—there was a certainty in his heart that Leslie would still come up short.
There would be no summer wedding. No wedding at all. As Tanner finished his work for the afternoon, he knew he had to tell her that night, before she made any more plans.
He’d considered whether seeing Jade again, whether learning the truth about their past and kissing her had driven him to this decision. He couldn’t deny it: In some ways it had. But he would not attempt to rekindle a relationship with Jade now. She had changed since that summer ten years ago. She’d believed his mother’s lies, and though Tanner had forgiven her, he could not imagine opening himself to her again.
No, breaking his engagement with Leslie was simply the right thing to do. He had known love once, a long time ago, and what he felt for Leslie was not love. Unless he loved that way again, Tanner would rather stay single.
The phone rang, and Tanner sighed. He was expecting a call from Jade, but usually she waited until he was back at his townhouse. They had talked about the case every evening that week.
“Hello?”
“Tanner? Good, you’re still there.” Leslie sounded upbeat, ready with another string of details. “What about meeting tonight for dinner? I wanted to talk about attendants, you know … how many ushers on your side, how many bridesmaids on mine. Besides, you’ve been so busy with that case you haven’t given me the time of day. I’m a pretty fun date, Tanner; you ought to take me out sometime.” She was trying to sound coy, and Tanner summoned his resolve. “Anyway, I sure hope things will settle down after we’re married, but then I’m sure they will. You’ve got such a busy—”
“Leslie.” Tanner hated to interrupt her, but he was so sure of his decision he could no longer pretend. “We need to talk.”
She paused. “I agree. We haven’t so much as had a quiet night alone in I don’t know how many—”
“No.” His word stopped her cold. “I mean about us. We need to talk tonight.”
She
uttered a nervous laugh. “You sound so ominous, Tanner. Don’t tell me you’re getting cold feet?”
Tanner sighed. It wasn’t his feet that were cold, it was his heart. And Leslie deserved more than that from a husband. “I’m sorry, Leslie. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking. Like I said, we need to talk.”
“Listen, darling, I’m not one for surprises.” The cheeriness had disappeared from her voice. “Why don’t you just tell me what’s on your mind.”
She sounded angry, and Tanner knew she was covering the hurt. The things he needed to tell her would leave her world upside down. But eventually she’d find her way back to the surface, and one day another man would come along. One who would love her completely, the way she deserved to be loved. “I don’t want to talk about it now.”
“Fine.” Leslie’s voice was hard. “Where do you want to meet?”
“My place. Six o’clock.”
She hesitated. “You’re serious, aren’t you?”
Tanner sighed. “Yes. I’m sorry, Leslie.”
The conversation ended, and Tanner pushed himself away from his desk. A month ago he’d been ready to settle for a life with Leslie. She had been the kind of woman he thought would make him happy. But seeing Jade again, remembering what love felt like when it resided deep in his being …
Tanner knew he couldn’t marry Leslie.
He thanked God for letting him see that truth now, before the wedding. And he asked him for strength to get through the evening. Then he packed his things and headed for home. Thirty minutes later Leslie was at his door.
“Come in.” Tanner had changed out of his shirt and tie and was barefoot in a Princeton sweatshirt and faded denim jeans. He stepped aside as Leslie huffed past him and stormed into the living room.
“Okay, I’m here. What’s so important that you made me drop what I was doing to come talk to you face to face?”
Tanner studied her, the way she shifted uneasily from one foot to the other, running her tongue nervously along her upper lip. She was frightened. Leslie was a pampered young woman, accustomed to getting her own way. When things didn’t go as she planned, she fussed and fumed until they did. But that would not happen tonight, and by the look in her eyes, Leslie knew as much.
“Sit down, Leslie. Please.”
Her gaze lingered suspiciously on him, and as she sat on the sofa he moved next to her, taking her hands in his. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately, and, well … I have some things to tell you.”
Leslie squeezed his hands, and a bit of her façade collapsed. “You still love me, right, Tanner?”
He hated what he was about to do, but there was no choice. “I love you, Leslie, but not like I should. Not the way a husband should love his wife.”
Raw pain flashed across her face, and her eyes grew damp. She started to pull her hands from his. “You’re teasing me, Tanner. Of course you love me that way. We’re getting married in—”
“No.” Tanner sighed. “We’re not. I’m breaking it off, Leslie. I can’t do it. It wouldn’t be fair to either one of us.”
Tears spilled onto Leslie’s cheeks, and in seconds they had cut two trails through her perfectly applied foundation. Tanner realized that oddly it was the first time he’d seen her look flawed in any way. Leslie dabbed at her face, then excused herself while she got a tissue. When she returned she nestled against him, but he felt himself stiffen in response.
Her jaw fell and she studied him closely. “Wait a minute. You aren’t giving me a chance here, Tanner.”
Help me be gentle, Lord. “It’s too late for chances. This has nothing to do with you, Leslie. You’ve done everything right. It’s me.” He stroked the side of her face in a gesture that was more fatherly than even remotely romantic. “I care about you a great deal, like I said. But I don’t love you the way I should.”
Leslie covered her face with her hands and cried softly, pressing her eyes with the tissue. She spoke in a muffled voice. “What did I do wrong? I thought everything was so good between us.”
“You did nothing. It’s all me.”
“It’s that woman in Portland, isn’t it? You’re still in love with her.…” She stared at the engagement ring on her hand and twisted it until it came loose. “I could tell you were still in love with her the first time you talked about her at dinner that night.”
“This isn’t about her, either. Like I said, it’s about me. You deserve someone who loves you completely.”
Leslie sniffed and slipped the ring from her finger. “Here. I don’t want it. Not now.”
Leslie straightened and stopped crying, and in that moment Tanner felt that perhaps she hadn’t loved him the way she should have, either. Maybe all Leslie loved was the idea of being married to a man with Tanner’s credentials. After all, she had been groomed to marry correctly since she was a very young girl.
She leaned over and hugged him. “You know, I almost expected this would happen.…”
“You did?”
“Well, you haven’t been interested in the planning, and it’s been months since you’ve called me just to chat.” Leslie kept her hands on Tanner’s shoulders. “Do you think there’s a chance for us, Tanner … someday?”
He wished he could give her hope, but he had to be honest. “No.” He shook his head. “You’ll meet someone else, Leslie. Someone better for you than I ever was.”
She smiled sadly. “It would have been a beautiful wedding.…”
“And you’d have been a beautiful bride.” He pulled slowly away. “I’m sorry, Leslie. Can you forgive me?”
She thought a moment. “You know, I think maybe I was feeling the same way you were. Like we were going through the motions, hurtling toward the big wedding day with little thought as to what we shared between us.”
“Really?”
She nodded. “Really.” Leaning close, she kissed his cheek. “Let’s not be strangers, okay?”
Tanner nodded just as the phone rang. He rose from the sofa to answer it. “Hello?”
“Tanner Eastman?” Tanner didn’t recognize the voice.
“Yes. Who’s this?”
“This is Dr. Jeff Young of St. Vincent Medical Center. We have your mother here.… I’m afraid she’s suffered a major heart attack.” The doctor paused. “She’s in the intensive care unit, Mr. Eastman. You need to hurry.”
He hung up the phone slowly, bombarded by a dozen conflicting emotions. He still hadn’t talked to his mother about the lies she’d told Jade, hadn’t given her the opportunity to fill in the missing pieces. Now he might never get the chance.
His throat tightened at the thought of losing his mother now, when so much of his life was in turmoil. She had been his greatest fan as far back as he could remember. Pushy, demanding, overbearing … but Tanner never doubted her love for him. Even now that he knew about the lies she’d told Jade. In some strange, twisted sense, that had been her way of loving him. Help me forgive her, Lord. Don’t let her die without giving us a chance to talk. Please.
But there was something even more troubling now that she lay dying at the nearby hospital. Tanner wasn’t sure if his mother was really a believer, whether she was ready to die and face God Almighty.
Leslie’s face reflected the alarm she must have seen in Tanner. “What’s wrong?” She was at his side, her hand on his arm, and Tanner was suddenly anxious to see her go.
“My mother’s had a heart attack.” He pulled gently away and reached for his car keys. “I’m sorry, Leslie … I have to go.”
She nodded, taking his hand in hers once more. Tenderly she peeled back his fingers and slipped the ring inside. “Take this.”
With a small sigh, he pulled her close. “We’ll talk more later, okay?”
“Okay.…”
But he had the feeling they both knew there would be no reason to talk later. The relationship simply hadn’t worked. It was time to move on.
He bid her good-bye, thankful she hadn’t wept loudly and carried on, hoping she
believed what she’d said about it being for the best. Tanner wasn’t sure if she did, but right now it didn’t matter.
He had to get to his mother before she died.
Thirty-three
TO THE EXTREME SURPRISE OF HER DOCTORS, DORIS EASTMAN pulled through a rough night in which she suffered two additional heart attacks. During that time doctors determined that though her arteries were severely blocked, she was too weak to undergo major surgery. If she survived the hospital stay, certainly it would not be for long.
Tanner held a bedside vigil throughout the night, alerting doctors when his mother looked pained or when she began gasping strangely. By ten o’clock that morning she was heavily sedated, but her heart was stable. Doctors expected her to regain consciousness before noon.
“Of course, it’s possible she’ll never come out of it,” one of the doctors told Tanner earlier that morning. “Her heart was severely damaged. At best she’ll be a cardiac cripple.”
“What’s that mean?” Tanner still couldn’t believe she’d had a heart attack at all. His mother was one of the strongest people he knew and seeing her small frame lost in a sea of hospital sheets and plastic tubing was difficult to accept.
“It means she’ll never be the same.”
The doctor didn’t elaborate, and Tanner was left to wonder how the heart attacks had changed his mother. Let me talk to her, Lord, please. He prayed quietly at her side until finally at eleven-thirty, she opened her eyes and blinked slowly.
“Tanner …”
Her voice was scratchy, and Tanner could barely make it out. “Hey, Mom, how are you feeling?” He stood up and leaned over the bed, taking her now frail hand in his.
A Moment of Weakness: Book 2 in the Forever Faithful trilogy Page 29
