She motioned for some water, and he helped her take a sip from a straw, disturbed at what an effort it was for her. The ordeal left her breathless and unable to lift her head. Tanner tried again. “Rough night, huh?”
She made a slight nodding motion. “Have to talk … Tanner.”
He weighed his options. He wanted to talk about the lies she’d told Jade, but it was more important that he talk about God. “I’m worried about you.”
She frowned and shook her head, and Tanner felt his spirits lift. If his mother was showing her usual spunk hours after suffering three heart attacks, maybe she would survive after all. “Nothing … to worry about.”
Her talking was improving now that she was more fully awake. Still she seemed unusually calm, and Tanner figured that was because of the medication. “How are things with you and God, Mom?”
A peaceful expression filled his mother’s eyes, one that Tanner knew no medication could produce. “Good. Very good. We … had a talk.”
“You and God?”
His mother nodded. “He wants me to … tell you something.”
Tanner frowned. Was his mother thinking clearly? He leaned over her, searching her eyes. “Now?”
“Yes.” She glanced at the bedside chair. “Sit down.”
He did as she asked and waited.
“I want to tell you something … I’m not very proud of.” She rested a moment. “Long time ago, when your father and I were engaged, Angela Conner was a waitress at the tavern.…”
Tanner was beginning to have his doubts. This couldn’t be good for her, rehashing age-old memories and mistakes hours after the heart attacks. “Mom, you can tell me later if—”
She held up a single, trembling hand. “Now. God wants me to tell you now.”
Tanner sighed. “Okay. Take your time.”
“One night, your father visited the tavern, and Angela Conner asked for a ride home. Our … wedding was still a year away, and when your father pulled up in front of Angela’s house … she asked him in.”
What? No one had ever told Tanner this story. Why was his mother telling him now, and what did it have to do with God? He took his mother’s hand in his and stroked her pale skin. “I’m listening.”
“Your father didn’t plan for it to happen, but it did. He went inside and … one thing led to another.” She coughed weakly, and Tanner helped her take another sip of water. After a moment she continued. “Your father didn’t mean anything by it. He was weak … and later he was paralyzed with guilt. He came directly to my house the next day and … confessed.”
“You still married him?” The Doris Eastman Tanner knew would have kicked the wayward Hap out of her house.
His mother inhaled slowly. “We broke it off for six months, but eventually I forgave him. I figured it wasn’t as much his fault as it was hers.…” she struggled to catch her breath. “From that day on … I vowed never to forgive Angela Conner.”
Tanner was confused. “God wanted you to tell me that?”
His mother moved her head in a manner that was barely detectable. “I’m not finished.” She sighed. “When Angela married Buddy and moved into our neighborhood, I did everything I could to avoid her. But then they had Jade and … you and Jade were inseparable. There was nothing I could do to stop the two of you from meeting together. Until that summer, when Angela ran off with my best friend’s husband.”
“The summer Jade and her father moved to Kelso?”
Doris nodded. Tanner could see she was getting tired, and he took her hand in his once more. “You don’t have to tell me this now, mother. We can talk about it later.”
“No. God … will give me the strength.” She moistened her lips and appeared to be concentrating on the right words. “When Jade left I was glad. I could see where things were headed for you two and … I was determined that no daughter of Angela Conner would ever date you.”
A heaviness settled over his shoulders. He had wondered why his mother hadn’t been friendlier with Jade.
“When they moved to Kelso I thought I was rid of Jade Conner. Then … that summer, the two of you found each other again. I tried everything possible to make you change your mind about taking that internship in Kelso. I figured Jade would be a loose woman like her mother.… And I couldn’t stand the thought of her bringing you down.” She stared hard at Tanner. “Does that make sense?”
He shrugged. In many ways his mother had tried to play God where he was concerned. The truth hit him hard. “Go ahead, Mother, I’m listening.”
She studied him for a moment. “You know about the lies, don’t you?”
Tanner nodded. “Since Monday.”
“I thought so. But God wanted me … to tell you what happened in my own words.” She took a few moments to catch her breath. “Jade came to me that day, and I guessed that you’d been together.…”
Tanner felt like a little boy caught in some dreadful act, and he felt his face grow hot. “What made you think that?”
“If Jade was anything like her mother, then it didn’t take much guesswork … to figure out the two of you had probably slept together.”
“But she was nothing like her mother, never has been.” Tanner rose quickly to Jade’s defense, but his mother only nodded weakly.
“I know that now. God has … made everything clear to me, Tanner. Jade is a sweet, precious child who was … never treated well by anyone. Except you.”
Tanner was silent.
“But I thought I was protecting you, so I lied. I told her you had been with many women, you had children you cared nothing for.… I told her you wouldn’t care for her, either, now that she’d slept with you.”
Tanner still couldn’t believe the woman before him had said those things, purposefully destroying the one relationship that mattered to him more than any except the one he shared with God Almighty. “You showed her Amy’s and Justin’s pictures.”
“Yes. I did that. It was the only way I could be sure I’d convince her.”
Tanner stroked his mother’s hand and allowed himself to grieve silently. If only Jade had stayed away, turned down the invitation to go to his mother’s that day.… God, help me forgive her. Help me forgive them both.
“You’d better rest now, Mom. You said what you needed to say.”
His mother shook her head, more adamantly this time. “No.” She coughed several times and was barely able to catch her breath. Tanner helped her with another sip of water and waited. “There’s more.”
He clenched his fists and noticed his palms were sweaty. “More?”
“What did Jade tell you about her son?”
Tanner’s heart lurched. Alarm coursed through him, and he was suddenly unable to draw a deep breath. “What do you mean, Mother?”
Doris’s eyes filled with tears, and Tanner was flooded with apprehension. His mother never cried. Not even when his father died. He watched her struggle to speak. “Did she … talk about him, mention him when she told you … about the lies?”
Tanner was terrified of the direction the conversation was headed. He shook his head. “No. She wants him back … that’s the whole reason I’m representing her.” God, please, where is this going?
Doris was silent, her lower lip quivering as she stared at her son. “I’m so … sorry, Tanner.”
“Mother, tell me, what do you know about Jade’s son?”
Doris swallowed hard, fighting for control. “Promise you won’t hate me?”
Tanner was losing patience. He knew his mother’s condition was fragile, but nevertheless he could not wait another moment. “I love you, Mom. No matter what you’ve done to me, regardless of how you’ve manipulated my life I will always love you. Now tell me what you know.”
She nodded, and in that moment Tanner thought she looked like a mournful child, confessing a sin too great for her to bear any longer. “I could be wrong, but I doubt it.…”
“Wrong about what? Please, Mom, whatever it is, say it.”
“The
boy … Ty …”
“Yes, what about him?”
Her lip was trembling badly again. When she spoke, Tanner could barely hear her. “I think he’s y-y-your son.”
Tanner felt himself spinning out of control, falling wildly into an abyss too dark and deep and narrow to ever climb out of. The child … Jade’s son … was his? It was impossible, wasn’t it? “But Jade’s husband thinks.”
Doris shook her head. “He doesn’t know. There’s … there’s more to the story.” A teardrop slid down his mother’s wrinkled cheek. “When Jade came to me that day … it was because she was pregnant.”
“What? She told you that?” Tanner’s heart was beating erratically; his world had tilted, and he wasn’t sure he could ever right it again.
“I guessed.” His mother was breathless but determined to continue. “She wanted an emergency number where she could reach you.… I invited her over to discuss it.”
“So she hadn’t been with any other man?”
“No, Tanner. She loved you. She told me the two of you … were going to be married.”
It was making sense to Tanner, more sense than ever before. “So she came to you for help and you … you lied to her. Is that right?”
His mother nodded, her eyes filled with remorse. “I told her you wouldn’t want anything to do with the child … and I gave her a check.”
“A check?”
“A cashier’s check for ten thousand dollars.”
“She took it?” Tanner couldn’t imagine the hurt Jade must have felt, trusting his mother with her news, and then learning that the man she thought she loved was a—
His mother coughed loudly and struggled for a breath. “She … she didn’t want to. But I convinced her she’d need it for the baby. I made her promise … to never tell anyone you were the father.”
The shock was almost too much for Tanner to bear. But he understood now why Jade had married so quickly. He could hear himself asking her about children on that hot August day so long ago, hear her telling him she’d only want a child if she could give him the kind of life she never had. A mother and a father, safety, security. Then he left for Hungary, and she was alone, pregnant with no one to turn to.
And so she had wound up with Jim Rudolph, a man she didn’t love, but who would give her the life she wanted for the child she loved more than anything.
Lord, I can’t bear the pain. Help me, God. Please.
His mother was studying him, trying to convey her sorrow with her eyes. “Tanner, I saw the boy on TV He … he looks just like you.”
Tanner thought of the boy now, rugged and active, sandy blond hair and eyes the same shade as his. Why hadn’t he seen it before? Jade must have thought him a horrible man for not at least wondering about the boy.
“Do you forgive me, Tanner?”
He stared at his mother and felt pity more than forgiveness. She had spent most of her days a hard, manipulative woman bent on controlling his life. Now, when her time was nearly up, she had finally seen the light and come clean. Tanner realized that if his mother had died during the night, he might never have known about Ty. But she had lived, and for that he would always be grateful. “I forgive you, Mother.” He smoothed a lock of gray hair from her forehead. “You can rest now.”
“Will you go to her?”
“Yes.” Tanner had no idea what Jade would say, or whether she’d tell him the truth. After all, she’d had her chance the other night, and she’d said nothing about Ty then. He thought of the child he’d missed, the birthdays and milestones and miracles of his young life, and he wondered if the pain in his gut would kill him. “Pray for me, Mom.”
“I will.” She blinked and another teardrop fell. “I’ll be okay. You go … Jade needs you.”
Tanner bid his mother good-bye, and in four hours he was on a plane back to Portland.
Thirty-four
JADE WAS FINISHED WITH THE DINNER DISHES AND MIDWAY through a conversation with Ty. He called her every night at seven o’clock, and as the hearing drew closer, she could detect a growing sense of hope in his voice.
“I can’t wait to get out of here, Mom.” Ty spoke in a whisper so Jim wouldn’t hear him. “It’s going to work out all right, I know it is.”
She closed her eyes. “Mr. Eastman is doing his best, Ty.”
“I saw him, Mr. Eastman. He was on TV with you.”
“You saw us?” A nervousness ran through Jade at the thought of Ty having seen Tanner. She chided herself for it. There was no way the boy would ever know. What harm was there in talking about him now. “He’s a nice man. He’s done a lot to help us.”
“I heard what he said, how he stuck up for you.” Ty maintained his whisper. “I like him, Mom. I wanna meet him.”
Another wave of anxiety hit, and Jade’s knees felt weak. She sank into a chair in the kitchen. “Okay … maybe. Sure.”
Eventually their conversation wound down, and Ty grew quiet. Jade knew he was probably crying; he had cried every night lately. “Mom … I miss you.”
Make it all be over, God, please. I can’t take this.… Jade closed her eyes and struggled to find her voice. “Remember … even now I’m with you. Right there in your heart.”
Ty gulped loudly. “Okay.” He hesitated. “Bye. I love you.”
“Love you more.” Enough to marry Jim Rudolph. “Good night, honey.”
Jade hung up and noticed tears on her cheeks. The house was so empty without Ty. She wandered about, idly straightening framed photographs of Ty and precious homemade trinkets he’d brought home from school over the years. She ran her finger over each one, removing the dust and savoring the memories they evoked. She and Ty would have been fine on their own; it was clear, now. How could I have married Jim?
In some ways, she was no better than Doris Eastman, who had lied and manipulated to protect Tanner. Hadn’t Jade done the same thing? Promised a lifetime of love to a man she didn’t care for, rushed ahead of God and made a miserable choice all to protect Ty.
Both she and Doris Eastman were wrong. And regardless of what hope the future no longer held, Jade knew from this point on, when a decision had to be made, she would seek the Lord’s wisdom. She would never again rush ahead of him.
There was a knock at the door and Jade jumped. It was nearly eight o’clock, and her porch light was off. Too late for advertisers or neighborhood Girl Scouts. Jade moved cautiously toward the front door and peered through the lace panel covering.
Tanner.
Jade’s heart skipped a beat. What in the world …?
Jade opened the door, but before she could speak he ushered her inside, took her face in his hands, and studied her eyes. “Jade … Oh, Jade, I’m so sorry.…”
“What?” Adrenaline raced through her veins. He must have learned something about the hearing.… She was going to lose custody of Ty after all. She pulled back. “What’s wrong? Why’re you here?”
Tanner sighed, and Jade thought he looked haggard. Dark circles stood out underneath his eyes. “My mother had a heart attack.”
Her insides knotted up. “Is she okay?”
“She’s in bad shape, but that’s not why I’m here.” Jade watched his eyes fill with regret. “We talked this morning. She had something God wanted her to tell me.”
Pulling away from him, Jade moved into the living room, tucking herself in the corner of her sofa, her legs pulled up to her chin. Doris wouldn’t have told him about Ty. Certainly not. So why was her heart pounding so fiercely? “What … what did she say?”
Tanner followed and knelt before her, his face level with hers. “She told me you were pregnant when you came to her.…” His eyes filled with tears. “Is it true, Jade? Is Ty …?”
Jade hung her head. She could not lie any longer. Whatever came from this they would have to deal with. Right now he deserved the truth. “Yes.”
Tanner held her with his eyes. “He’s my son?”
Jade lifted her head and met his gaze. He looked like he’d been
shot through the heart. Oh, Lord, how could I have hurt him like this? What kind of woman am I? “Yes, Tanner. He’s your son.”
Very slowly, as if he’d been mortally wounded and was still fighting the final fall, Tanner bent over his knees and settled in a heap on the floor. His first sob was more of an animal cry, the wail of a tortured beast. There were more that followed, and Jade felt her heart breaking as she watched the man she had always loved grieve for the son he’d never known.
The world was spinning, and Tanner could do nothing to stop it. He had spent the past ten years searching for Jade, thinking of her, wanting her. Wondering how she could marry someone just three weeks after he left town. And now he knew. She’d been pregnant with his child. And when she’d come for help, his mother.
Deep, consuming regret covered him like six feet of cemetery dirt, and he was unable to lift his head.
My God, how could I have been so blind? I’m a father … a father to a boy who doesn’t even know me. He thought of Ty and his heart ached with the weight of this new reality. Had he really thought Jade could lie in the arms of another man so quickly after his departure? If only he’d found her back then.… The weight of the lost years was more than he could bear. Help me, God. I’m dying here, I’m—
“No! It can’t be.…” His mother’s lies had cost him a relationship with his own son.
He was overcome, and he was suddenly aware of Jade moving. Her arms circled around him from behind, and she lay her head on his upper back. She began stroking his arms, and he could feel her shaking. She’s crying, too. We’ve both lost so much, God.… How can we go forward after this?
Finally she spoke, and her voice was a choked whisper. “Tanner … I’m so sorry.”
He sat up and pulled Jade to him in an embrace that spoke everything they were too devastated to say. They stayed that way a long time, and when he could finally speak, he pulled back and studied her expression. What he saw there was regret as deeply rooted as his own. He took her hands in his. “Why, Jade? Why didn’t you tell me?”
His pain was so deep and raw she had to look away. “I promised your mother I wouldn’t tell anyone. Not even you.”
A Moment of Weakness: Book 2 in the Forever Faithful trilogy Page 30
