by Amity Cross
Staring at the table of food, I swatted away a bug. The kiss was in the script. I should know since I wrote the bloody thing. I was a freak. A total, utter freak.
A hand shot out and grabbed a bottle of water from the table next to me, and I glanced up to find Tessa standing next to me. Anger rose like an exploding volcano, threatening to take the reigns from my anguish.
“What are you looking so pissed about?” she asked with a sneer.
“Like I’m telling you,” I retorted. Tessa hated my guts, and the feeling was mutual, so why hide it anymore.
Her lips curbed into a condescending smirk. “You getting all bothered that I’m grabbing my boyfriend’s cock in front of you?”
I rolled my eyes. Yes, but I wasn’t about to let her know it bothered me.
“Get this through your dorky little skull,” she hissed. “Jude is mine, and he will always be mine. In what world would you ever think he’d look at a nobody like you?” she scoffed, flicking her hair over her shoulder. “Pathetic.”
I just stood there and took it. I let her walk all over me because she was right. Never was a long time when the carrot was constantly dangled in front of your face.
Turning, I walked away knowing I would never be coming back to the set again. What else could I do?
Episode Fourteen
Know Thy Enemy
I walked until I reached the edge of the set.
Leaning against the back of the closest trailer, I took a few deep breaths as if oxygen was a cure-all for my woes. I just wanted to go home and cry. Maybe if I let the waterworks open for a night, I’d feel better in the morning. Everything always felt better in the morning…didn’t it?
“Jude,” I heard Tessa bark, and I froze. “Where the hell do you think you’re going?”
“Away,” he snapped back at her.
Peering around the corner, I stifled a gasp as I saw how close they’d ventured to my hiding place. Jude had turned around to face Tessa, his shoulders tensed. If she hadn’t called out like she had, he would’ve found me, and I wasn’t sure which situation was better of the two.
“You’re mad?” she asked, genuine surprise etched on her face.
“Tessa, I don’t want to talk about it right now.” He threw his hands into the air, clearly exasperated.
“Don’t walk way from me!”
Jude strode forward and stopped an inch away from her. For a second, I thought he was going to kiss her, and my heart clenched in response, but he shouted at her instead. “You did that on purpose.”
“What?”
“You fucked up every take on purpose.”
“She has to learn to keep her hands off you,” she retorted with a pout.
“Who?” Jude asked, confusion written all over his handsome face. He really had to ask?
“That dorky writer girl.”
There was a pause between them that was so quiet I was sure they heard my world disintegrating.
“Lux?” he asked.
“What kind of name is that anyway?” Tessa scoffed. “She fawns all over you—”
“Why do you have to talk to her like a piece of shit?” he asked.
“Because she’s worming her way in between us,” she hissed. “She’s trying to sink her claws into you.”
I pressed my back against the wall and squeezed my eyes shut. That couldn’t be further from the truth. I did like Jude more than I ought to, I wasn’t denying that, but I didn’t want to take him away from anyone. I didn’t have it in me to be that selfish, or at least I thought I was kosher enough not to. Besides, I wasn’t a hussy. I was trying to lock my feelings away and keep them from him because I knew what was good for me. I didn’t want to be responsible for ending anyone’s relationship.
“Bullshit,” Jude hissed. “That’s your own insecurities talking.”
“I’ve seen the way she looks at you, Jude. Seriously.”
The way I looked at him? Shit, maybe I hadn’t been as stealthy as I first thought…or maybe she was just making it up.
“We’re just friends.”
His words hit home with a clarity that took my breath away. Knowing it was one thing but hearing it from his lips? It was devastating.
“Are you sure you told her that?” Tessa threw back at him. “I don’t know how many times I can beat it into her stupid head.”
“This hasn’t been the first time you’ve tried something,” Jude exclaimed. It was posed as a question, but it came out more like a statement.
No, no, no, I thought to myself. Just let it go. You’re making it worse.
I shouldn’t have mentioned anything to him in the first place. I should’ve been strong enough to stay away. I felt my confidence begin to crack under the pressure of the fight I was inconveniently overhearing. It cracked so much I felt the old Lux begin to reawaken. The Lux who was shy and awkward, the Lux who was afraid to leave the house and embarrass herself. The Lux who thought she was unworthy of everything.
“I can’t believe you,” Jude spat.
Then there was the sound of footsteps, and my eyes flew open. Please don’t find me. Please just give me this one thing. But the universe was being her usual bitch self, and instead of seeing Jude emerge around the side of the trailer like I thought, my gaze smashed into the last person in the world I wanted to have it out with.
My eyes widened as Tessa stalked toward me, rage twisting her otherwise beautiful face. I thought about fleeing, but that would only make me look like a coward. There was no escaping the serve I was about to cop.
Tessa rolled her eyes and placed her hands on her hips. “So you’re not just a sneaky bitch. You’re an eavesdropper, too.”
“I didn’t know—”
“You play the clueless little girl, but I can see what you’re doing,” she interrupted. “You think you can go up against me and win? You can’t.”
“I just want to do my job,” I said, my voice wavering. “I don’t want to cause any trouble.”
So much for Lux version two standing up for herself. I’d totally caved to Miss Bully Extraordinaire just as I had to others like her all my life. The cycle of punishment continued…
Tessa practically laughed in my face. “I can get anyone’s contract torn up and thrown out, darling. All I have to do is say the word. Keep away from Jude or say goodbye to your career.”
Would it be so bad? The thought was in my mind before I realized.
I’d come from nothing, and now that I had a foot up, I would be comfortable going back to my dark apartment and laptop to churn out novels. I had name recognition now, and that would be able to carry me through the next book and the next one after that. If I was fired, I would be fine financially because I knew the real value of life at the bottom…and especially about life without a family to fall back on. I had a fighting chance at something post-Naturals, but what did Tessa Donahue have? A gag reflex.
I shook my head, resignation beginning to substitute my confidence. “So what?” I asked her. “I’ll have a career no matter what after this show. Can you say that?”
“You think you’re better than me?” she asked, genuinely surprised.
“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t think I’m better than anyone. I’m only as good as I can be.”
Tessa scoffed, rolling her eyes. “Stupid bitch. That’s exactly why you’ll always be a nobody.”
I didn’t have it in me to argue with her anymore. She hated me, and her opinion would never change, so why bother trying to make her see that she was stuck up her own ass. I’d just exhaust myself.
“Maybe you’re right,” I said to her. “But at least I’m not a raging bitch whose fame is on the decline.”
Spinning on my heel, I strode away, not giving two shits about what happened next. Tessa Donahue was a bully plain and simple. She got off on other people’s misery. If she felt so secure in her relationship with Jude, there was no reason for her to come at me with her poisonous claws. Tessa Donahue was holding onto her last scrap of
fame with everything she had, and she was doing whatever she could to prolong it. She was on the sad, slow decline to the trashcan, and she knew it.
The thought of someone like her being jealous of me was laughable.
“You’ll pay for that!” she yelled after me, but I was beyond caring.
Maybe I would pay, but the difference between her and me was that I was fine going back to mediocrity. The only thing I didn’t want was mediocrity without Jude. Either way, I was screwed.
That, my friends, is what they call a catch twenty-two.
Episode Fifteen
Ordinary People Doing Ordinary Things
Staring at the ceiling of my apartment, I sighed.
What was I meant to do? Maybe I should stop seeing Jude, but that would be hard considering table reads and set visits and him living down the street from me. Maybe I wasn’t meant to do anything. Maybe I was just meant to let everything, including our friendship, go.
The only thing I was sure about was the fact that I was destroying myself. If you asked me, unrequited love was the ultimate form of self-harm. It just ate away at your insides like acid until there was nothing left, and you could never ever love again because it was far too painful.
It had been a day since Tessa’s smackdown. Nothing had happened in the wake of her threats, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t already squealed to the producers. The waiting was agonizing, and I wished she’d just pull the trigger already. This whole limbo thing was overrated, and waiting for the axe to drop was so season one of Game of Thrones. Just end it.
The buzzer went off, signaling someone was downstairs, and I sat up on the couch, a gasp escaping from between my lips, my heart pounding.
Glancing at the clock on my phone, I saw that it was seven thirty. Who would be showing up at this hour? More importantly, who wanted to speak to me? If it was D-Day, I’d be called into the Starscape offices, right?
Scrambling to my feet as the buzzer went off again, I hit the button on the intercom. “Yeah?”
“It’s Jude.”
My heart started pounding again.
Resting my forehead against the wall, I debated telling him to go away, but that was the aftermath of the latest incarnation of Tessa’s threats.
He confused me so much. Usually, crushes were cut and dry, either you liked the guy or you didn’t, but with Jude, it was all over the place. There were so many external pieces at play, I wasn’t sure what I felt anymore.
The buzzer went off again, breaking me out of my desperate push-pull with myself. I had to do something, so I smashed my finger on the button to let him in.
Unlocking the front door, I awaited his arrival with bated breath. I couldn’t sit still, so I fidgeted, wishing I knew how to kick my addiction.
I could hear footsteps coming down the hall, and a moment later, Jude appeared in the doorway. He smiled lopsidedly as he caught sight of me waiting for him and stepped into my apartment. Just like the first and only time he was here, he filled the space so completely he was all I could focus on.
He was wearing his trademark fitted tee, jeans, and boots making me wonder if he owned any other clothes or if his wardrobe just carried a variation on the theme. I guess it didn’t matter because he wore his clothes, they didn’t wear him. Jude didn’t need slogans.
“Hey,” he murmured, his eyes pulling me in.
“Hey.” I was on autopilot.
“I see you’ve been just as thrifty since the last time I was here,” he said, looking over my apartment.
“The one and only time,” I added. “I don’t—”
“Like stuff,” he said, finishing off my sentence.
“I moved around a lot when I was younger,” I offered as an explanation. “It’s been encoded into my operating system.”
“Yeah? Where have you lived?”
That was a can of foster parent worms, so I just answered with, “Mostly around Melbourne. Nowhere exciting.”
“Melbourne’s pretty great.”
My brow furrowed, and I blurted, “Why are you here?”
“You haven’t been returning my texts.”
“I’ve been busy,” I said lamely. I’d actually been avoiding him in order to flush my attraction to him out of my system, but that was until yesterday. I’d planned on going cold turkey, but the difficulty setting was on legendary. That was gamer speak for certain death.
Jude sighed, lowering his gaze. “I’ve been thinking about what you said to me the other week. A lot.”
I waited, wondering where this was going and how hard I’d have to push him out the door.
“I didn’t realize I was doing it,” he said, glancing at me, his green eyes looking more haunting than usual. “Using you as a distraction. I admit things with Tessa get tense more often than not, but I do want to spend time with you, Lux. I think we get along well, and I find you interesting.”
“Interesting?” I asked, unsure how I was meant to take it.
“Yeah. Interesting.”
I frowned, not exactly sure what I was expecting from this impromptu visit. It looked like Tessa hadn’t mentioned to him that I’d overheard their argument. Maybe I should keep a lid on it, too. That boat was already rocking, and there was no way I was going to be the one to capsize it.
“Yesterday…” Jude began, and my heart began to nosedive. “There are a lot of things I never realized about you.”
Panic began to rise. “What do you mean?”
“The way you stood up to Mayweather.”
Then I’d crashed and burned. My tirade at the guest director was pretty much the moment I’d peaked, and everything was downhill from there.
“I’m not like that,” I said quickly. “I don’t believe in it. I just… I just don’t think that kind of thing should be thrown away.”
“Same,” he agreed. “But I didn’t know you had that kind of bite in you.”
“I guess… I guess I just snapped.”
“I looked for you after filming, but Candy said you’d already left.”
“I had work to do,” I blurted. I did, but I’d ended up crying myself to sleep. Not one of my most stellar performances.
“Oh…” He trailed off with a shrug. “What are you doing now?”
“Now?” I tried to think of something to get out of it, but my mind was firing blanks. I’d been playing stupid games on my tablet and trying not to cry again, but I couldn’t tell him that. That was embarrassing to the extreme.
“Do you want to come over to my place?” he asked. “I’ve seen where you live.”
“Your place?” My eyes widened, and my heart began to spasm painfully in my chest.
“Yeah. I’ve got the night off. We can order some food in and hang out.”
“You don’t have any fancy party or whatever to go to?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.
He laughed and shook his head. “Nope.”
I was extremely tempted despite the alarm bells ringing. If my head was already on the chopping block, what was the harm? Even if it wasn’t, it would be a middle-finger salute in Tessa’s direction when she found out. If I scratched out all the drama and didn’t even add it into the equation, hanging out with Jude would be pretty darn great.
“You can pick the takeout,” he offered.
“Let me just get my bag.”
Shoving my tablet into my bag and scooping up my keys, I followed Jude out into the hall, locking the door behind me.
We walked to his apartment building with our arms touching.
The front of the block was locked up tight with a buzzer entry, just like mine, and Jude let us into the lobby. As we waited for the elevator, I couldn’t help that feeling of déjà vu creeping across my skin.
“I’ve lived here since I started on Naturals,” he said as the car arrived with a cheery ding.
“Yeah?”
“It’s a nice building. The neighbors are nice, and a lot of film biz types rent here, too.” He jabbed his finger on the button for the eleventh
floor, which was the last on the list before one marked ‘roof’.
“Top floor?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
“It isn’t the penthouse or anything fancy like that,” he replied with a laugh. “It does have a nice view. There’s a communal terrace and swimming pool on the roof.”
Wow. How the other half lived, huh?
We rode up the eleven floors in silence, the air feeling tight in the enclosed space. The last time I was in an elevator with Jude was when we got stuck back in Melbourne. The day we first met.
“How is the safety rating on this thing?” I asked as the number above the door flicked to seven.
“Top notch,” he replied, smiling. “Though we might be twisting the space-time continuum by being in here together.”
“Don’t say that,” I complained. “Getting stuck once is more than enough for me.”
“Look what happened then,” he shot back as the door slid open on his floor.
“I fell on my ass.” I rolled my eyes and darted out into the hall before I jinxed myself.
“It was your knees if I remember correctly.”
I hid my face, my cheeks beginning to flare. “You remember that?”
Jude started laughing as he led me down the hall to his apartment. “How could I forget?”
Mortified. I was mortified. “Please forget.”
“I don’t think I can,” he teased. “It’s burned into my retinas.”
Pulling his keys from his pocket, he unlocked and opened the front door. Like a gentleman, he gestured for me to go in first, and as soon as I stepped into his apartment, I was blown away. It was very posh—because he must be raking it in with acting and modeling gigs he had going on—and very manly with an exposed brick feature wall, red and black artwork, and furnishings, but I instantly got the feeling that it was very him. Jude was everywhere I looked.
Jude’s furniture. Jude’s kitchen. Jude’s bookshelf. Jude’s outdoor terrace. Jude’s CD collection. Jude’s dirty dishes.
“What do you like to eat?” he called out from the kitchen. He was pulling menus from a drawer and reading out each one as he went. “There’s Mexican, Indian, Thai, Moroccan, Chinese, pizza, Italian…”
