L is for Luminous

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L is for Luminous Page 18

by Amity Cross


  “What are you doing?” Jude asked. He’d gotten to the middle of the road and had come back again. He wound his arm around my waist and guided me across the street.

  “Nothing,” I muttered. “I was just thinking.”

  “About?”

  I shook my head. “Stuff.”

  We walked in silence after that, and he didn’t let me go until we stood out the front of my block. Unlocking the door, I was gently nudged to the side, and my heart began to speed up.

  “What are you doing?” I asked as he stepped into the tiny lobby.

  “I’m walking you to your door,” he declared.

  “This is my door.”

  He narrowed his eyes and pushed the button for the elevator. “That’s everyone’s door.”

  “So specific,” I retorted as the car arrived.

  Stepping into the elevator, he sidled up next to me, making the synapses in my brain misfire.

  “You don’t have to come all the way,” I said.

  Jude grunted, his eyes on the display above the door. His fingers were worrying the hem of his shirt, and it began to dawn on me that he was nervous. I thought he was drunk? Maybe he was a bit of both. Maybe I was misreading the situation.

  The elevator arrived at my floor with a ding, and we walked down the hall to my apartment. Unlocking the door, I turned to Jude.

  “Safe and sound,” I declared, edging inside.

  He narrowed his eyes and swallowed hard. “Yep.”

  We stood there staring at each other like idiots, the air feeling thick. As thick as it had when we were dancing earlier.

  Then he stepped forward, a hungry look in his eyes, and I stepped back, moving into my apartment.

  Everything that happened in the next second was like I was living in someone else’s life. A dream, a fantasy, a parallel universe.

  His mouth was on my lips before I realized what was happening, and I stumbled backward until I hit the wall. I gasped in surprise, and his tongue dove greedily against mine, the lingering tang of alcohol mixing with his taste, the taste that said he was Jude.

  His hands shoved into my hair, and he held me firm, his entire body pressing hard against mine. His lips were soft, the stubble that always coated his jaw rasped against my skin…and I kissed him back. I gave him everything I’d been holding onto since the day we met. It rushed out of me like a force of nature that couldn’t be tamed. Like a tsunami, a hurricane, a lightning storm, a raging bushfire, the extinction level atomic blast of a gigantic meteor hitting the earth…

  I was alive.

  Alive and coursing with reckless abandon.

  “Lux,” he moaned against my lips.

  So wild, so uncontrollable… Everything ached so much I could hardly bear it.

  “Jude.”

  He moved his lips to my neck, kissing a trail of fire along my skin as his hands stroked the curve of my back. My entire body spoke to his, pushing into his touch, guiding his movements, wanting and needing more with an intensity that had me spinning out of control.

  I had no idea… No idea at all.

  It was so much, so abruptly, the sensation overloaded my maxed out brain, and it flipped my trip switch. The problem with that was I had no surge protection, and all the lights flickered wildly before going out. Pitch black. Panic mode was activated.

  “You’re drunk,” I said breathlessly. “Are you… Are you going to remember this in the morning?”

  It was out of my mouth before I could stop myself, but it was my greatest fear. That we’d do this thing while our heads were spinning and it wouldn’t mean anything to him. Tomorrow, I’d be some chick he’d used for comfort. Tomorrow, I’d have my heart broken.

  Jude let me go, his lips leaving my neck. His eyes blazed with an anger I’d never seen in him before. He ran a hand over his face, and he stared at the floor, at the door, anywhere but at me.

  There were plenty of things I should’ve said at that moment, but I couldn’t form any words at all. I needed to tell him how I felt, that I wanted him ever since that day in the elevator, but I was scared that this was all just a flash in the pan and he’d wake up tomorrow and forget it ever happened. He was drunk. Drunk people forgot things all the time. Lux Dawson was forgettable.

  Jude sighed sharply. “You keep pushing.”

  He turned away, and I screwed my eyes shut, not wanting to see the moment he left. The front door slammed closed behind him, and I flinched, an awful, gut wrenching void opening up inside of me. That slam had sounded a lot like the lid on my coffin. Here lies Lux Dawson, desperado dork.

  Sliding to the floor, I let the tears fall.

  He’d wanted me, and I’d pushed him away. It seemed like a cruel twist of fate.

  I thought I’d experienced loneliness. I thought I’d known what rejection felt like. I thought I knew all about fear.

  But I’d never thought that I was the one who was to blame for all of it.

  Episode Twenty-One

  One is the Loneliest Number

  I sat just inside Mad Mimi’s café against the window, the chill from the glass seeping into my bones.

  If I sat here long enough, then maybe my heart would go numb, too. If I sat here long enough, then maybe I’d see Jude.

  You keep pushing. He knew I’d been trying to keep him at arm’s length all this time. He’d been trying to get through to me.

  “Hey.”

  I straightened up as Candy sat across from me. She set a coffee and a plate of scrambled eggs in front of her and began to shovel food into her mouth without a single thought as to what she looked like. She’d look glamorous scooping up shit if you asked me.

  “I’m so hung over,” she complained.

  I blinked. “Oh.”

  She glanced up at me, her eyes narrowing as she scrutinized my expression, my demeanor, my hunched shoulders, and everything.

  “Are you okay?” she asked when she was done, sounding genuinely concerned.

  I didn’t know what else to say, so I just told her the truth. “Not really.”

  “Lux,” she exclaimed, brandishing her fork like it was a weapon. “What’s wrong?”

  Everything was wrong. The entire universe was shifting on its axis, and that included space, time, and everything that had ever been.

  “I just feel empty,” I said. “Like nothing’s inside.”

  “What do you mean?” She tilted her head to the side, setting her fork down on her plate.

  I pulled in a deep breath. I had to offload onto somebody. I couldn’t keep any of this inside anymore. It would eat around the edges of my being until I ceased to be.

  “Lux, tell me what’s wrong. You’re freaking me out.”

  “Things are so messed up. With Jude. With Tessa. With everything.”

  “Keep going…” she said, narrowing her eyes.

  “Before they broke up the last time, Tessa threatened me. Then she threatened me again last night.”

  “She what?” Candy was outraged, but I was well and truly over it.

  “I think that makes it about three times now,” I went on. “It got to the point where she made a complaint to the producers.”

  She slammed her fist down onto the tabletop with a bang that rattled the salt and pepper shakers. “That bitch.”

  “I laid it all out for them. In black and white. It was jealousy, plain and simple, but I’m still here, she’s still here, so there hasn’t really been any resolution.”

  “Why didn’t you say anything earlier?” she asked. “I could’ve helped you out.”

  “There’s nothing to help,” I said. “We’ve both got contracts, and we’re both valuable. Basically, we just have to suck it up.”

  “That’s why I hate this business sometimes,” Candy grumbled. “People get walked all over for nothing. I’m so over Tessa’s diva attitude. Two and a half years I’ve been on this show putting up with her temper tantrums.”

  I raised my eyebrows. I didn’t know what to say to that.

  �
�Is that all that’s bothering you?” she went on. “I mean, that paparazzi shot of you and Jude in New York, then you guys last night…” She widened her eyes, suggesting that had been a show.

  My heart twisted. “What do you mean?”

  “You looked pretty close from where I was standing.”

  “You looked pretty close with Tate,” I shot back, trying not to think about the worst moment in my entire life. The moment where I pushed Jude away so hard that I was sure he was never coming back.

  “Don’t change the subject,” she said, wagging her finger at me. “Are you and Jude…you know?”

  I shook my head. “No. No, we’re not.”

  “What do you want?”

  “Everything is so up in the air,” I murmured. “I don’t know which way to go.”

  Candy smiled but didn’t offer any advice. She didn’t know, either.

  “I have my career,” I went on. “I’ve seen the world, gotten to work on amazing projects, met you guys…but I’ve never had the one thing I want most. Nothing else compares. All I want is to fall in love and be loved in return because all of those things, they mean nothing without having someone to share them with.”

  “Oh, my god, Lux…”

  “I just… I want to matter. I want to be someone’s reason to breathe and I want to be theirs. Is that so much to ask?”

  Candy was swooning. I think I just made her fall in love with me.

  “I sound like a romance novel.” I rolled my eyes. “Based in fantasy. That shit doesn’t happen in real life.”

  “Damn it, girl, you’re a writer,” she said with a dreamy sigh.

  I shrugged, my soapbox moment doing nothing to dispel the ache in my soul.

  “You and Jude?” she prodded.

  I shrugged again, my throat aching with the promise of another round of tears.

  “Lux, you can tell me. I want to help.”

  “I know you do,” I said. “I just…”

  “Do you have feelings for him?” She bit her bottom lip and waited for my answer.

  And there it was. Candy was able to voice the one thing I was unable to. It was such a simple thing to say, but it was loaded with ramifications.

  I glanced at her, knowing that my eyes were red with the effort of keeping my tears at bay. I could hide all I wanted, but I couldn’t mask that from Candy, not after the unconditional friendship she’d given me.

  I couldn’t say it, so I simply nodded.

  “Lux. There’s nothing wrong with that,” she said firmly. “It’s a good thing.”

  “I keep pushing him away. I don’t mean to, I’m just…”

  “Afraid?” Candy smiled and placed her hand on my arm. “I get it. I really do, but Jude is a great guy. Despite all the shit that gets flung at him in this business, he’s still genuine. I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”

  And I saw the way he kept going back to my mortal enemy.

  “We argued last night after the party,” I blurted. “He was pissed at me.” I knew I was trying to make excuses not to face him. I feared that it was already too late, that he’d just slam the door in my face and break the last little shred of my heart. Excuses were easier to handle.

  “You should tell him, Lux. Go over to his place and explain. I can’t guarantee results, but if you really feel that strongly about him, then you have to.”

  “But—”

  “Just think about it for a moment. Think about the life you two could have together. Think about how you feel. If you could have the chance for real love with Jude, shouldn’t you at least try before you give up?”

  Staring out the window, I thought about all the things that had led me to this very moment. I thought about the times I’d spent with Jude hanging out and talking. I thought about the necklace he’d given me that I wore every single day without fail. I thought about our Christmas Eve ice skating adventure. I thought about the way he’d held me last night when we danced. Then I thought about the hunger in his eyes as he kissed me.

  I pulled in a deep breath and held it for a second before letting it go. Candy was always right. About my choice in clothes, about my haircut, and about my relationship with Jude. Candace Hunter was an oracle.

  “Okay,” I said, still staring out of the window where across the street Jude’s apartment building sat. “Okay.”

  Candy clapped her hands together with glee. “Yes!”

  A smile spread across my face as confidence sparked and overtook the despair I’d been wallowing in since last night. A dark and lonely low followed by a breathtaking high.

  And right there, on the street outside of Mad Mimi’s café like an epiphany, Jude Atwood climbed out the back of a taxi…followed by Tessa Donahue.

  I watched as she tripped on the gutter and pressed against his chest.

  I watched as his arms snaked around her waist to steady her.

  I watched in complete horror as they kissed passionately.

  The smile faded from my face, and the last little shard of my heart that I’d been clinging onto since the night before, completely and utterly disintegrated.

  He was still wearing the same clothes from the party, and I realized he’d gone straight from my place to Tessa’s bed. The thought of him kissing me one minute and then having sex with her the next had me feeling sick. I’d pushed him away one too many times, and all I had to blame for it was myself.

  “Lux?” Candy asked, sounding distressed. “What is it?”

  Jude turned toward the café, and I snapped to attention. They were coming in here. He couldn’t see me like this. I couldn’t let them see. Panicking, I picked up my tablet and shoved my chair back. Peeling a note from my wallet, I tossed it onto the table.

  “Do me a favor,” I said, thinly. “Forget everything I said. It doesn’t mean anything. It never happened. Forget it.”

  Candy frowned and turned to follow my gaze out onto the street.

  “That asshole,” she exclaimed. “Lux—”

  “Forget it,” I snapped and made a run for it.

  Pushing out the side entrance to avoid Jude and Tessa, I fled down the street, taking the long way back to my apartment. As I went, tears began to run down my face, the pain too much to hold onto.

  I wasn’t good enough. I’d never be good enough, and it was all my fault.

  I wasn’t a beautiful actress with a fan base. I wasn’t a Gucci wearing, B-list celebrity. No, I was just the idiot who wrote the scripts that made them famous. I was just a rung on a ladder that was stepped all over on their way to the top. What a sucker, huh?

  In what universe would he look at me twice once he had his little fling? None of them.

  No matter what I did or where I went, I’d still be Lux Dawson…desperado dork.

  Episode Twenty-Two

  The Performance of Her Life

  I stared at the email on my tablet screen.

  I was confused. So utterly confused I was pretty sure I’d forgotten all my core motor skills. You know, like speech, movement, the ability to breathe…all the bits that made life livable.

  I’d avoided all human interaction the past few days in order to nurse my bruised heart. Jude obviously didn’t remember kissing me or he had and was avoiding me just as much as I was him. People were usually sober in the morning after a big night out—you know, the cold, hard light of morning—and that probably meant he and Tessa were back together.

  I couldn’t say I was surprised, but I couldn’t say I wasn’t hurt, either.

  Focusing on the email because it was the only tangible thing I had in my life at that precise moment, I read it over again.

  On January 11, 2017 at 07:13 AM, Miles Schaffer wrote:

  Hi Lux,

  My name is Miles Schaffer, and I’m a producer here at FMC Studios.

  Your recent work on Naturals has come to our attention, and I’d love to have a chat with you about a new pilot we’re developing for our network. We think you’d be a great fit for the project,
and I’m keen to talk about you coming to work for us.

  If you’re interested in talking further, please give my office a call.

  I’ll be waiting not so patiently to hear from you.

  Miles Schaffer

  Executive Producer

  FMC Studios

  It was a deal of a lifetime working for such a huge network. The shows they produced were off the charts. Seriously, they always blitzed every award ceremony and topped the ratings, and to be headhunted by one of their top producers was epic. Like biblical epic. People would literally kill for this opportunity. More importantly, it was my ticket out of here.

  I could separate myself from Jude and get the hell away from the toxic diva, Tessa. I could spiral upward instead of down into the bowels of hell for a change. I could pirouette right into a job at one of the most recognizable international brands in the world and carve out my own future.

  “Lux?”

  I froze at the sound of Jude’s voice, my entire body beginning to hum. Every emotion I could ever feel for the guy rose to the surface and threatened to spew forth, but I held steady, my gaze latched onto the email.

  I couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t face it.

  He slid the empty chair out and sat down.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, concern in his voice. “You don’t look like yourself.”

  The world seemed to slow down, and my breakfast began inching its way back up from my stomach to my mouth. I’d been right. He didn’t remember kissing me at all, and it felt like he’d just wrenched my heart from my chest and took a dump all over it.

  Go away. Go away. Go away.

  “I’m feeling sick,” I said. At least it was the truth.

  “Shit, do you want me to take you home?”

  “No, no, it’s fine,” I said hastily.

  I didn’t want to go home. I wanted him to go away.

 

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