Valerie said nothing.
"Might I remind you," he went on, "that I have considerably more money to throw at a legal battle—"
"That's a cheap shot!" Laurence shouted.
"And I will win!" Neil shouted over him. "Valerie, you have done many cruel things to me in the course of our lives—"
She reeled back in her chair. "I've been cruel to you?"
"But I never thought you'd go this far. To threaten to take Olivia from us—"
"Especially when you know it was Emma's choice to leave her with us," I blurted in my anger before I could stop myself.
Bringing Emma into the room was like taking all the oxygen out. Everyone, El-Mudad included, stared at me as though I'd crossed some mutually agreed-upon boundary. If they'd set one, they'd never told me about it.
Maybe it was painful, but damn it, I was right. This was exactly the reason they’d named us her guardians: to make sure people like Laurence never had access to their child. "Emma and Michael trusted us to care for Olivia. Do you think she would have wanted to see us all fighting about whether or not she'd made the right decision? Is that something she would have been particularly receptive to?"
The silence continued. Valerie picked up her water and took a sip. No one said anything until she put down her glass and spoke. "Emma couldn't have possibly known that you planned to bring a stranger into her daughter's life. She cared about Olivia more than anything, just as I care about Emma more than anything. And because I care about her, I need to protect her child."
"You're not a mother," Laurence added, as though it were another of my moral failings. "You couldn't understand the pain this causes Valerie."
"So, we should cause ourselves pain, then?" Neil demanded. "We should hurt those three little girls who love each other like sisters now? Sophie and I should lose the man we love?"
"I think you have a choice to make, Neil." Valerie glared at El-Mudad as she said, "A choice between your libido and your family obligations."
I wanted to slap her. Or cry. Or barf. Possibly all of those things, as they would likely follow in succession.
The door from the kitchen opened and the guy from earlier entered with a cart, followed by the girl who'd made me a cup of tea the night before. I didn't remember their names. God, what was happening to me? Were we the vapid pleasure-seekers Valerie and Laurence accused us of being?
No. I wouldn't let them get into our heads any further. I slapped my palms on the table and stood up. "This is a bad idea. I'm sorry, take all that back to the kitchen. Our guests aren't staying."
"Sophie," Neil said quietly, his gaze darting to the staff members.
Whatever. Let them talk about us if they ever found any of this conflict interesting. "No. This was my bad call, and I'm taking responsibility. Neil and I are Olivia's legal guardians. You have no right to dictate the environment in which we choose to raise her. You have no right to visitation, and you certainly have no right to traumatize her by discussing potential custody changes in front of her."
Laurence blinked in shock.
"Yeah." God, it felt good to sneer at him. "She's four, asshole. She hears things, and she repeats them. She worries about them to the point that she tried to pack up her entire room because she was afraid she wasn't coming back here."
"I had no idea—" Valerie said, truly wounded.
"Well, you should have,” I scolded her. “And if this is the kind of bullshit you pulled when Emma was little, no fucking wonder she didn't want you raising her daughter!"
Oh. Shit.
Valerie pushed her chair back abruptly, and her voice choked with tears. "Excuse me. I need to go say goodbye to Olivia."
She ran from the dining room, her footsteps still echoing off the wood parquet floor when Laurence stood and loomed over the table. "If Emma had known you were such a whore, maybe she wouldn't have left her child with you."
For a moment, I feared he might take a swing at me. El-Mudad must have, too. He jumped to his feet, and I thought, It's all over. I've ruined it forever because he's going to fight him, and the police will come, and he's going to get deported. But Laurence stalked out before anything physical happened. I stared after him, totally numb, finally finding my voice to respond after he'd already left the room. "Joke's on you. She already knew."
I’d meant it as a witty retort, but it just came out full-on sad. I burst into tears.
El-Mudad put his arms around me and pulled me close.
"I shouldn't have said that," I wailed into his chest.
"You shouldn't have," Neil agreed, still frozen in his seat. "That was...very cruel."
He didn't sound angry. He sounded disappointed. Which everyone knew was worse.
"They weren’t particularly kind," El-Mudad said, almost reproachful of Neil.
"I still shouldn't have said it. We shouldn't have done this at all. I ruined everything," I wept.
"We all wanted this to work," Neil said grimly. "And we all came here with good intentions. Valerie and Laurence—"
I stepped back and wiped my eyes. "No. This isn't Valerie. This isn't the kind of person she is. You know that, Neil."
"She isn't the person she used to be." He sounded so lost and hurt.
El-Mudad turned to him. "But this is the person she's choosing to be now. Neither of you should make excuses for that type of behavior."
"I wish I could make an excuse for mine," I said quietly. "But I meant it. I'm sorry she heard it, but I'm not sorry I said it."
Neil stood and slipped his hands into his pockets. "I think we may need to involve some kind of mediation or family counseling."
"You don't even have to do that," El-Mudad reminded us. "You have custody. The matter is legally settled."
"Legal isn't what I'm worried about," I said, staring glumly at our beautifully set table that had never even made it through the first course. "It's the harm this is doing to Olivia."
But the harm that cutting them out of her life entirely would cause would be far greater.
There was no way we could win.
Chapter Three
Sometimes, the universe just knows when a person needs a freaking break.
A fortunately timed business crisis took Valerie back to London, possibly indefinitely, if Neil’s elation over the news had been any indication. Even pointing out that it was his company in crisis hadn’t dampened his mood. By mid-December, we'd all moved back into normalcy.
On a remarkably stress-free Thursday, I went into the city to have brunch with my friends Holli, Deja, and Penny. The three of them all had children. Holli and Deja were moms to Piet, now almost two years old. Penny had the twins, Arthur and Jane, whose ages were tabulated in months and milestones. Our rule was that we would keep our child-related conversations to a minimum since it was rare for them to get away without their kids. Somehow, though, the topic of motherhood always eased in.
For example, when Penny downed half a mimosa and leaned over the table to whisper, "So, after you could finally have sex again...did you get like, crazy horny all the time?"
Penny was short and thin and blonde, like Tinkerbell but with a better personality and a Malibu Barbie tan. Even though she was married and had two kids, she still seemed too adorably pure to talk about sex so frankly. It charmed the hell out of me.
"No, my post-partum was too bad," Deja said, shaking her head. In the past year, she'd gone from extremely short hair to a long, sleek weave; now that the baby wasn't grabbing hair, she'd explained, it was safe to have some again. The style made her look even younger than she already did. Her flawless brown skin glowed with bronze highlighter, and her white cat eyeliner made her simple fitted black t-shirt and belted, high-waisted khakis seem way fancier than they were. It would have been difficult for anyone to imagine that so glamorous a person could have been crying in her dirty laundry just months before, but that was the bitch of the invisibility of mental illness.
Holli, my very best friend since college and Deja's partner, leaned f
orward in her chair to interrogate Penny. Also blonde, Holli had the energy of a genetic fusion of a chihuahua and a person who hunts Big Foot for a living. A tall, willowy, and gorgeous professional model and actress, she smolders in photographs but is a big, silly mess in person. She stared Penny intensely in the eye, like a gunfighter. "How horny are we talking?"
Penny lowered her voice even further. "Ian had a gently worded talk with me about how he's not twenty-five, and I'm going to kill him."
"You're not subconsciously trying to have another baby, are you?" I asked cautiously.
She shook her head. "No. Oh my god, twins? And college? While pregnant? I don't think so."
"Don't you have Ian taking care of the babies now?" Deja asked.
Holli chimed in, "Yeah, I thought he retired."
"He did. And he does take care of them when I'm in class. But he's also working on our house." Penny's husband, Ian, was substantially older than her and a successful architect. So successful that he'd been able to retire at fifty-four to be a stay-at-home dad.
That hadn't been Neil's plan, but he'd ended up doing the same thing.
"You're quiet, Sophie," Deja said, tilting her head.
"I'm just listening." I didn't have any mommy problems to share. "It's nice to be with people who have normal parenting problems."
"Yeah, how did that all...go?" Deja asked, glancing at Holli.
"I would rather not talk about it." Not because they weren't good listeners, or I thought I didn’t need their counsel. I didn’t want them to think less of me when they found out what I’d said. And I confessed it to them; my guilt was too great. "I just don't want to relive the magical moment when I used Valerie's dead daughter as a weapon because I'm a trash monster."
"Oh no…" Penny said softly.
"Yeah. So. Let's talk about something—" My phone buzzed. "It's Mariposa. Hang on."
I stood and headed toward the front of the restaurant. I hated taking calls inside, even in the winter. I hit the button as I walked and said, “Just a second." Once on the street, I answered properly. "Mariposa? Are you still there?"
"I'm at the urgent care. Not with Olivia!" she added quickly. "I cut my hand, and I need four stitches. I can't leave to pick up Olivia from school."
"Shit. I’m in the city. Did you try Neil?" I winced at my question. Of course, she had; she would have known he’d be closer to the school.
"El-Mudad said he was in Connecticut?"
At the racing club. Great timing, Neil. "But El-Mudad is home?"
"He’s not listed on her contact card." Mariposa sounded increasingly worried.
What the fuck is a contact card? Am I even on it? I checked the time on my phone. "Okay. I can do this, right? They'll let her leave with me?"
"You're her legal guardian, so yes," Mariposa said patiently. "I'm so sorry. I really am. I can call the service, but I'm not sure—"
"The service doesn't have a helicopter, and you're bleeding. Don't worry. Let us know if you need anything."
After we hung up, I realized I hadn't asked her how it had happened. I would get the story later, but I prayed it didn't have to do with anything naughty Olivia had done. Either way, I would apologize my ass off for being so self-focused while she was having an emergency.
I rushed back into the restaurant. "Hey, I have to go. I have to get down to the helipad because the nanny’s getting stitches, and there's no one to pick up Olivia."
"Are you going to be able to make it?" Holli asked. "Not that I could do anything about it if you couldn't."
"Can't Neil get her?" Penny suggested. "He's in Sagaponack, right?"
"No. He's at the track. The only person at home is El-Mudad, and he can't get her because he's not a legal guardian, and we didn't list him on something called a contact card." Ugh, that was so inconvenient. "What if something happened to one of El-Mudad's kids, and we couldn't help?"
"Maybe he put you down as their contacts," Holli suggested.
I knew she didn’t mean to shame me for neglecting to do so with him, but that’s how my guardian-fail brain took the comment.
"Okay, I'm heading out. Sorry to cut it short. And sorry to cut out on the bill." Usually, I picked up the tab because while the four of us were all financially secure as hell, I had more dough. "I'll Venmo you, Holli?"
"Yup, I've got it."
"I cannot wait for the freaking party." Penny groaned. "I crave grown-up interaction. Brunches are not enough. You’re coming, right, Sophie?"
"As far as I know, I will be." The party to celebrate Lana Del Rey's July Mode cover was in March, but March was July in the magazine world. The Elwood Rape Crisis Center had paired with the magazine to organize a joint fundraiser capitalizing on the star power that would be present at the party.
The further I got from my fashion journalism career, the more grateful I was to have left it behind. But I was super glad I still had an in at all the fancy parties.
I texted our pilot and my driver, and after a quick round of hugs and goodbyes, I dashed for the door.
Our helicopter would be waiting at Neil’s old office building, where his company still operated and, unfortunately, Valerie still worked. As we lurched through traffic like we were on the way to the hospital or something, I called El-Mudad.
"I've been trying to get you," he said without a hello. "Wasn't your phone on?"
"It was on do-not-disturb." The only calls that could get through on that mode were from Mariposa or Olivia's school; I didn't tell Neil or El-Mudad that, though. Sometimes, I just needed a break, and they would have to deal with not reaching me immediately. "Mariposa found me. I'm heading back right now."
"This is why you need an on-call nanny," he said wearily.
"Pff, back-up? Who needs back-up?" You do you stupid twat. That's why I was in such a panic. I had no idea what to do with things like school drop off or pick up or even… "Shit, I don't know where her school is!"
"I do," El-Mudad said calmly. "I'll drive you. It isn't as though you can pick her up in the helicopter."
"I can't? Does she go to a school that doesn't have a helipad?"
"Sophie, most schools do not have helipads," El-Mudad said, in a tone that very much implied that I was, if not the stupidest person alive, at least the most spoiled, which was rich, coming from him.
"May I remind you that you recently complained about your Lamborghini being too short for the drive-up window at Arby's?" I snapped. "Will we be able to get there on time? I don't want Olivia to think we abandoned her. She's going to be so freaked out."
"We'll be there on time. And if we're not, we can call the school, and they can let Olivia know that we're on our way. She won't be irreparably traumatized by waiting a few extra minutes." He sounded baffled. "Why are you so worried?"
"Because—" Because of Valerie and Laurence. "Ugh, they got into my head!"
"This isn't something to freak yourself out about," El-Mudad soothed me. "I promise you. This happens to everyone with a child in school—at least once. Calm down, and I'll see you when you arrive."
"Be waiting with the car running," I said, still jumping out of my skin. The only way the situation could throw me more was if I ran into Valerie at the office. Luckily, I could get buzzed up to the helipad without going to Elwood & Stern’s floor.
I managed to calm down on the flight to the house. As promised, El-Mudad waited beside what I was pretty sure was the Maserati he referred to as the "family car." We landed, and I disembarked, walking as fast as I could in my heels.
"We have plenty of time," El-Mudad scolded, hurrying to my side. "Mariposa already has a fucked-up hand. You can't have one, as well."
“No, what I can’t do is leave Olivia stranded at school.” I slowed my pace to match his. “I feel like such a total failure.”
El-Mudad rested his forearm against the top of the car, his door poised open. "Why? Who is judging you? I’m not. You have nothing to prove to Valerie and Laurence."
I got in and waited for him
to slide into the driver's seat before I answered. Well, before I lied to him, anyway. "It’s not about them. It's just ridiculous that we pay someone to do what everyone in the world does already. What we're supposed to be doing."
"Everyone in Olivia's peer group has a nanny," he pointed out as he buckled his seatbelt. "It's not a moral failing. We spend plenty of time with Olivia, and it gets to be quality time because we're not burned out from driving to school and appointments and making dinner and supervising bath time."
"But those are the things parents are supposed to do," I argued. "We're supposed to be able to get all of that stuff done and raise these emotionally healthy little beings. That's a lot of pressure. It's one of the main reasons I never wanted to be a mom."
"Then don't be a mom." El-Mudad guided the car slowly to the main driveway before he picked up more speed. "You never worried about this before Valerie and Laurence suggested you weren't a good mother. Now, you want to prove them wrong by being the very best at something you were never interested in before."
"I'm interested in Olivia!"
"You're interested in Olivia. But not in being her mother. And you never have to be. That's not why Emma left you and Neil in charge. You don't know why they made that decision, but they wouldn't have if they hadn't thought it was for the best." He paused, frustrated, probably because he knew that whatever he had to say would never be louder than my destructive inner voice. "They thought that their daughter would get the best possible care from you and Neil because of who you are. Not despite."
Of course, there were lots of things Emma and Michael hadn't known. The fact that we'd dated a man on and off for several years, for example.
El-Mudad continued. "If part of that care includes more adults in Olivia's life who are there specifically to nurture her, that can only be for the best."
That statement could easily be applied to him. It could have been subconscious; maybe it was the reasoning he used to justify our unconventional arrangement to himself.
Sophie (The Boss Book 8) Page 5
