by Kit Tunstall
We moved in tight formation, the men surrounding me, and I felt safer for that. I slipped into soldier-mode, trying to block out any unwanted thoughts and focus solely on the task ahead of us.
We stepped inside, and the stench hit me. I turned to the side and threw up before I could stop myself, and when I stood up, no one said anything. Shane just held out a baby wipe so I could clean my face, and Han extended the Vicks again. I dabbed a generous amount under my nose.
Someone had died in here. A lot of someones, and the smell was terrible.
We were pleasantly surprised to find a lot of the shelves at least half-stocked. Apparently, a lot of people in this area has succumbed to the first wave of the virus, dying before they’d had a chance to do much plundering or foraging.
I think I got too complacent simply because the smell was so awful. I couldn’t imagine anybody could actually live here surrounded by that stench, with bodies decomposing in various places throughout the store. More than once, we had to step over or around a body blocking the path, which remained where it had fallen. I was certain no one would live with dead bodies, but I was wrong.
No one was careless, and no one dropped their guard, but I think we were all fairly confident we were alone. It was my mistake that gave him the opening though. One moment, I was standing near Jamar, who was looking at antacids. I decided a cart would be more practical to collect additional items, and we should be able to fit two carts’ worth of supplies into the Humvee.
Without a word of parting, I went to grab a second cart. I was almost back to my tether, having left his side without a second thought, when someone grabbed my arm and jerked me against them. There was a knife pressed to my throat, and tight arms held me immobile. He smelled almost as bad as the dead bodies he was sharing space with, and my already-upset stomach churned again, leading me to vomit on both of us.
Whoever held me cursed, and he had a deep male voice. I’d already figured he was a man, certain of that by the hairy arms. I tried to pull away, and the knife edged closer to my throat. I whimpered when it stung, indicating he had just cut me, though I didn’t know if that was an accident or on purpose.
“Let her go now,” shouted Jamar.
The welcome sound of feet running accompanied his words, and the other three came into view. My heartrate accelerated at the sight of them, and I was certain I’d make it out of this.
“You can take whatever you want out of the store, but I’m keeping her. I think that’s a fair trade, since you came into my home and started robbing me.” He spoke in a raspy grunt, and I wasn’t certain if that was his normal tone, or if it was just rusty from disuse.
“We didn’t know it was your house. I figured with the dead bodies strewn around no one would live here,” said Wesley, his disgust obvious. “Release Alyssa.”
“We’ll just go. We’ll leave everything, since this is your space. Nobody’s trying to encroach on your territory,” said Shane, sounding reasonable. “Just let go of Lyss, and we can all walk away from this with no problem.”
“Fuck you,” said my captor. “I’m keeping Lyss. You can’t just have the only woman around and not expect to share her.”
I jerked against him, trying to pull myself free in spite of the knife against my neck. I didn’t stop until it cut through again, making me cry out as warm blood flowed down my throat. I didn’t think he’d cut me deeply enough to puncture my jugular or kill me, but it was still frightening and disconcerting to feel the blood oozing down my skin.
We were clearly at a stalemate, and Shane was the one who solved it. He drew his firearm and shot the man holding me. It was a good thing my lover had excellent aim, or the bullet would have killed me too. As it was, I felt it whistling by my ear in a hot path, too close for comfort. Before I could stop myself, hysterics took over, and I passed out cold.
PART FIVE: HOT AND COLD
Chapter One
I woke up a few minutes later, still on the floor of the drugstore, though I noticed my assailant was nowhere near me. After shooting him, they must have dragged him away. I was cradled in Jamar’s arms, and I smiled up at him, though it was a bit shaky. “Did I pass out like a pansy?”
He grinned at me. “Down for the count, sugar.”
I took that as a good sign, because if I were seriously injured, he wouldn’t be joking with me. My stung like fire though, and I brought up a hand to touch the wound. My fingers came away slick with blood, and I winced. “He really got me good.”
“Nah, I’ve seen worse. Hell, I’ve done worse while shaving.”
“How is she?” barked Han as boots moved toward our direction. Wesley had been in the peripheral of my vision the entire time, but he’d hung back. Now, Han and Shane bore down on me, and I was reassured by their presence, but something in Han’s eyes sent a spark through me. Was it fear or something more? I couldn’t read his expression well enough to tell what he was feeling or thinking.
“She’s doing all right. Did you find the steri-strips and the gauze pads?”
Shane held out a first-aid kit that Jamar took and sat down beside us on the floor. “For a drugstore, there aren’t many drug-related items left. I had to go into the backroom. I think you’ll find everything you need in the first-aid kit, but the bandage aisle is pretty sparse.”
Abruptly, the stench hit me again, and I started to gag. I could see the fear on the faces around me, and I figured they thought I was having some sort of reaction to the injury. I did my best to get control of the nausea and lifted my hand. “I’m all right,” I said in a thick voice. “Just noticed the odor again. I think my Vicks must’ve rubbed off. How the hell was that guy living here?”
“He was practically an animal,” said Han. “Maybe he thought surrounding himself with the dead was a good way to camouflage his presence. It worked, but at what cost? How could he have any kind of life living here?”
Shane’s lips compressed into a tight line. “Frankly, I don’t give a crap about what kind of life he had, and I’m just glad it’s over. The moment he put his hands on Lyss, he signed his death warrant.”
Han nodded before turning away. “Why don’t we see what else we can scavenge? We might as well make this experience worth anything at all, if there’s something to find.”
“What’s his problem?” asked Wesley as he moved closer.
Jamar gave him a look that seemed to call him a dumbass with his gaze. He didn’t bother replying as he shook his head before turning his attention to me. “It’s going to hurt when I pull the edges together. I’m sorry, sugar.”
I nodded, preparing myself for the pain. It was sharp, but thankfully brief. He secured the wound with a few steri-strips before covering it all with the gauze pad and tape. Clearly, I was in no danger of bleeding out, and my assailant hadn’t nicked the artery. I was going to have a sore neck for a few days, but I’d live. Considering the alternative, it was a good outcome.
After I was on my feet, they refused to let me help strip the store. I was assigned to walk beside Shane, pushing the cart and holding on to it in a death grip, in case I felt dizzy and needed to pass out again. I knew they were being solicitous, but it was kind of irritating to be babied like that. I couldn’t imagine any of the four of them would have been expected to trail behind the cart if they’d gotten a minor wound on the neck.
Then again, none of them probably would have passed out like a weakling from the shock of it all. Perhaps none of them would have been in the situation to start with. I didn’t know what I could have done differently, not even having realized he was in the store until he grabbed me, but I was feeling woefully inadequate by the time we finished finding everything of use in the store and stowing it in the Humvee.
Seated between Han and Shane on the way back, I glanced at Han once or twice, but he was always staring pointedly out the window. His posture was hard, and he seemed angry. I wasn’t certain if he was angry with me or the situation. Perhaps he was still angered by the guy who’d stabbed me slipping pa
st our defenses. I wasn’t certain, and it wasn’t productive to speculate. He was too angry for me to ask, because I was certain he’d snap some kind of vague retort and not answer in a real fashion. I’d have to wait until later if I wanted to know why he was acting this way, but I hoped he’d get over it by the time we got back to the base.
I cuddled against Shane, letting myself feel the sting of the wound and the belated surge of renewed pain that I’d been trying to block out mentally as we moved through the store with a job to do. I’d kept up my tough soldier façade, but I could feel it crumbling now. I trembled occasionally, and when I did, my lover’s arms tightened around me more, until I was half on his lap and half on the seat.
I refused to fall apart in front of them, and I tried to tell myself there was no reason to anyway. I’d survived, Shane had shot him, and it was over. There was no reason to get all weepy about everything now. I was acting like an emotional mess. The men around me would never have this reaction. They were stronger and tougher than I was. They were all hardwired for survival, and I was still a scared young woman playing soldier.
I let myself cry, but I turned my face to nestle against Shane’s chest, trying to get a handle on the tremors racking my body. He rubbed my arm in a gentle fashion, but he didn’t speak. What was the point? Anything he might say would only be comforting, but useless, platitudes. He couldn’t promise something like this wouldn’t happen again, and he couldn’t protect me. I had to protect myself, and I’d failed today. After working so hard and feeling fairly confident in my newfound abilities, it was a crushing blow to realize I was almost as pathetic and useless as I’d been the first day they’d met me.
I had two options. I could give up and hide away on the base, letting my men take care of me like a spoiled pet. I was certain they wouldn’t insist on me joining on runs now that I was involved with Shane and Jamar. They would protect me either way, but that put me in a powerless position, one where I was a reward or commodity, rather than a fully functioning and independent member of the team. I didn’t like that idea at all. The only other option was to train harder and become more capable as quickly as possible. That was a far more appealing idea, and I was determined to make myself stronger, so I wouldn’t end up in the victim role again.
Chapter Two
Neither Shane nor Jamar would allow me to get frisky that night, citing blood loss and fear of tearing my steri-strips, so I was resigned to a frustrating night. I still slept well between them, but I missed the closeness we usually shared before bed. I understood they were trying to take care of me, which only reminded me of my decision to become capable of taking care of myself. It was all right to ask for help, but relying on someone else all the time in this new world was likely to get me killed.
Surprisingly, I woke up before either of them. My neck was stinging, and I had to use the bathroom. I crept out of bed, carefully disentangling from the limbs wrapped around me, and slipped into clothes to head to the bathroom. After doing my business, I washed my hands and tucked my hair into a bun. I still hadn’t summoned the nerve to cut it, but I knew I had to soon. Keeping it up was only a temporary measure, and it could still be used against me in a fight.
I was definitely up for the day, though earlier than my usual rising time. There was no point trying to sleep again, because I was too wide-awake. Instead, I decided to get an early start on my day and made my way to the gym, where I headed for the running track.
I stretched and warmed up a bit before beginning a light jog, soon increasing my pace until I was sprinting around the track. I was on my fourth lap when I heard cursing. I jerked and stumbled to a stop as I saw Han striding toward me. He was clearly angry and cursing up a blue streak. “What’s wrong? Are we under attack?” It seemed like an unlikely possibility, but I couldn’t think of any other reason why he’d be so worked up, looking almost panicked.
“No, we’re not under attack, except maybe by your stupidity. Dafuck are you doing?”
I took a step back at the harsh words and frowned up at him. “What does it look like? I’m doing my morning routine.” Granted, the routine usually didn’t include a screaming match with Han, so that was different.
“You have a wound on your neck that could pop open. You could bleed to death here and die before any of us found you. Do you have any common sense in that head of yours? You shouldn’t be running today. You shouldn’t be in here alone.”
My own anger was rising, and I glared at him. “I’m not an idiot. If it had hurt or started to bleed when I began running, I would have stopped. It didn’t, and I’m fine. I passed out because I was a weakling, not because the injury was severe. There’s no reason to milk the victim scenario. I need to function and fall into my usual routine.”
“You need to take care of yourself. What the fuck would we do if you died?”
The words were angry, but for the first time, I could see the vulnerability beneath them. I realized with a start that this was all because he was worried about me, not because he was being a gigantic tool. I let my voice soften a little, but maintained a firm tone. “Let me decide for myself what I’m capable of and what I’m not. I’m fine.”
“We almost lost you.” His bronze skin paled, and he swayed for a moment before his hands clamped around my biceps and pulled me against him. “I nearly lost you.”
I was confused by the emotions I saw darting across his face. I didn’t know what he wanted from me, or how I should react. Ever since the day he’d rejected me, Han seemed to go out of his way to avoid me as much as possible. It had hurt at first, and it still did sometimes, but I’d tried to accept his decision gracefully, and I certainly hadn’t pursued him or kept up a steady line of flirtation. I’d simply turned my attention to Shane and Jamar and tried to forget taking Han as a lover.
“You have to take better care of yourself. We’d be lost without you.”
His tone was calmer, and some of my tension faded away. “Thanks. I doubt that, but thank you for saying it.”
He frowned at me. “Why do you doubt what I’m telling you?”
I rolled my eyes. “You’re all soldiers, and I’m the pathetic weakling nipping at your heels. You don’t need me, and from a survival viewpoint, you’d probably be better off without the weakest link on your team.”
Han scowled at me. “You’re not the weakest link. You were a civilian before this, and a teenager to boot. You’re expecting too much of yourself too quickly.”
I shrugged a shoulder, refusing to be reassured by his words. “I don’t have the luxury of time or easing my way into survival, at least not now. I have to learn how to take care of myself.”
“We’ll take care of you.”
I gave him a soft smile, but my tone remained firm. “I know you will, or you’ll try, but you can’t always protect me all the time. I need to be able to do things for myself and keep myself alive. It’s not just practicality, but also part of my self-worth. I can’t be relegated to the background, staying here in the safety of the base while you’re all out there risking your lives. It isn’t right or fair. Being weak gets you killed in the world we’re living in now.”
“You’re so stubborn.” It was a criticism, but his gentle expression took the sting out of it. “I’m not saying give up or stop, but do cut yourself some slack.”
I shrugged again. “We’ll see.” I had no intention of doing as he suggested. I needed to train smarter and longer to attain my goals. He wouldn’t tell an Olympian to cut themselves some slack before the games, and though he meant well, his words were more unsettling than comforting. If I bought into them, they would undermine my confidence and weaken me further.
When I stepped away from him, preparing to run again, he cursed. I looked at him. “Now what?”
“Didn’t anything I said get through to you? Take the damn day off, Lyss.”
I frowned. “There’s no day off in the apocalypse.” It was a flip answer, but it was also the truth.
“You’re going to kill
yourself before anyone else can do the job for you. Do you understand how important you are?”
I shook my head. “Like I said, if I died tomorrow, you’d all carry on without me. Shane and Jamar would probably miss me for a while, but none of you need me.” As I said the words, I realized that was part of my determination to look after myself. I wanted them to need me on a fundamental level, in a way that was deeper than just as a bed partner or someone who prepared dinner while they were on runs. I wanted to be an asset to the team, and I wanted to take care of them as much as they were taking care of me.
“It wouldn’t be just Jamar and Shane.”
The words are so faint, I barely heard them. I leaned closer. “What?”
He cleared his throat, looking awkward, though he was still clearly angry. “I said it wouldn’t be just Jamar and Shane who’d mourn your loss. I don’t know how Wesley feels, and I can’t speak for him, but losing you would destroy me.”
I frowned, my confusion returning. Talk about blowing hot and cold. “That’s not… I mean… Damn, you’re frustrating. You made it clear you didn’t want me, so what’s all this now? What do you want from me?”
His arms wrapped around me, his mouth slanting hungrily over mine. There was no chance to resist or refuse the kiss, even if I’d been inclined to do so—which I definitely wasn’t. I’d been wanting this for so long, and it had a dreamlike quality as his mouth ravished mine. The kiss was long and intense, our tongues dueling as though we were fighting rather than kissing. The whole encounter had an element of adversarial about it, but it was unbelievably hot.
When we broke apart, we were both gasping for air. I’m sure my eyes reflected my confusion, along with a strong dose of arousal. “What do you want from me?” I asked again, softly this time.
