by Ivy Smoak
Marie laughed. "You put too much emphasis on sex. There is so much more to a relationship than that."
"I thought Carter was good in bed?" Kendra asked.
"He is. I'm just saying..."
"Mhm," Kendra said, cutting her off. "All about that dick."
Melissa laughed.
"And what about you?" Kendra asked Melissa.
"What about me?"
"Are you seeing anyone right now?"
Melissa glanced at me. "Yeah. Actually, I just started dating Tyler."
Kendra squealed. "The cute one that Bee and Penny always hang out with?"
Melissa took another shot from the table. "Yup, that's the one."
"And how is he in bed?"
"Well...I personally think he's an eleven."
This is so awkward.
Kendra smiled. "Usually younger guys have no idea what they're doing. But every now and then you find one that's super eager to please. I think I might just be in the mood for a younger guy tonight." She looked around the bar.
Melissa grabbed the paper from Kendra. "Okay, what's next?" She looked down at the paper and then handed it back to Kendra. "Do you want to skip around again? How about we do number 12?"
"No, let's just do what's next. Oh, perfect. List everyone you had sex with in order from best to worst, Penny."
"I'm going to veto that one," I said.
"Seriously? We have you making out with a stranger near the bottom of the list."
"What? I'm not doing that."
"I know. That's why you have to do this one. We all knew you'd veto that one."
"I..."
"Just tell us. Or is the list too long?"
I laughed nervously. "Um, no. Just, James at the top obviously. And then Austin. That's it."
"You've only slept with two guys? What is wrong with you?!"
"I've only slept with two guys," Bee said.
"Yeah, but I already knew you were lame," Kendra said. "Penny, you're getting married. And you're telling me you only slept with two guys?!"
"Well, that's not true," Melissa said. "She's slept with three guys." Melissa was staring at me. She looked like she was about to cry. "Right?"
Fuck. "Oh, I mean, yeah, I guess. It's three. I don't know what I was thinking." I was thinking I didn't want to talk about this. Shit.
The tray of waters had just arrived at our table. I grabbed one and took a huge sip. My head was too fuzzy to think straight.
"How mysterious," Bee said. "It must be someone she wishes she hadn't slept with. Who was it, Penny? You have to tell us now. I'm sure Melissa will if you don't."
I kept my mouth shut.
"She slept with Tyler during one of the many times she broke it off with James," Melissa said. "Or he broke it off with her. I don't remember which. They were so toxic at first. All they did was fight. Isn't that right, Penny?"
I fidgeted with the bachelorette sash.
Bee's eyes had gotten a little bigger. Kendra and Marie were looking back and forth between Melissa and I.
"So, you really thought Tyler was that bad in bed?" Melissa asked. "You didn't even remember you slept with him? I certainly remember."
"No, it wasn't that. I just thought..."
"That talking about it is awkward?" Melissa took another shot of vodka. "The fact that you slept with my boyfriend isn't awkward at all. The fact that the two of you hang out all the time is super normal. Right?" she said and looked at everyone else at the table.
Kendra cleared her throat. "Next up on the list..."
"Where is Tyler on your scale, Penny? Now I'm just super curious." Melissa's face was bright red. I had been trying to avoid this. I didn't want to fight with her again. Tonight had been going so well.
"I don't know. It was so long ago..."
"God, just tell me."
"Below James." What was she expecting me to say?
"So, he's not as good as James? You're such a bitch."
"No, Tyler's really good in bed. I just...I'm in love with James."
"So, you think Tyler's great in bed? What, do you still fantasize about him or something? You're the worst friend ever."
"Melissa." An exasperated laugh escaped my lips. "What do you want me to say? I had sex with Tyler once almost three years ago. He wasn't your boyfriend then. You didn't even like him. You were dating Josh. And I can't take it back. There isn't anything I can do about it."
"You can stop hanging out with him."
"Fine. Okay. I won't hang out with him anymore. Tyler and I are officially no longer friends. Happy? Is that really what you want me to say?"
"Yeah, that would make me happy."
"Melissa! He's one of my best friends. Why can't you just get over this? It shouldn't be that big of a deal. Tyler and I are past it. Come on."
"Yes, he's one of your friends. But I'm your best friend. Your friendship with me should matter more than it does with him. Why are you holding on to him? Girls and boys can't just be friends."
"Yes they can. I'm friends with Rob and Matt. And I'm friends with Mason." I pointed to Bee. "I was friends with him before he even met Bee, and she doesn't hate that I hang out with him."
"That's because you didn't sleep with him. You can't be friends with Tyler if you want to remain friends with me. You can't. I can't handle it."
Everyone at the table was silent for a minute. I was blinking fast, trying to hold back the tears.
Marie cleared her throat.
"I need to use the restroom," I said quietly. "I'll be right back." I stumbled out of the bar stool and made my way to the bathroom.
"Hey, Penny," said a familiar voice behind me.
The little hairs on the back of my neck seemed to rise. I turned around and looked up at Austin. I hadn't seen him since I moved to New York. He looked the same as he had in college. Except his hair was shorter and he had a five o'clock shadow. I hated that the sight of him made my blood boil. The only person I hated more than him was Isabella. And maybe James' parents. I took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, do I know you?"
He laughed. "I know you haven't forgotten me, baby. You look upset. Are you okay?"
I just stared at him.
"So, you're getting married? James is an unlucky guy."
"Go to hell, Austin."
"That's not very nice to say to the first love of your life. I'm sure you dreamed of marrying me once."
"I never loved you."
He shrugged. "I guess we remember that differently."
"Great. Let's agree to disagree. Have a good night, Austin." I turned around but he grabbed my wrist.
"You know, you're the only girl that ever dumped me."
I pulled my arm away from him. "I didn't dump you. We never even dated."
"Well, you were a constant booty call then. You were so easy. Always ready to please me. Fuck, college was fun, huh?"
I shook my head. What a dick.
"Aren't you curious about why I know that you're marrying your professor?"
"You can read tabloids? Congratulations. I didn't know you were literate."
"You're feistier than I remember. I like it. But no, I didn't read about it. Isabella told me."
Despite the alcohol and the anger I felt toward him, my body suddenly felt cold. "What?"
"I ran into her the other day. She's smokin' hot by the way. James made a mistake letting her go."
I noticed the manila envelope in his hand for the first time. Oh God. Isabella really was a lunatic. She must have known about my history with Austin. And now she had him wrapped around her finger. How the hell did she even know I was here? I looked back up at Austin's face. He was wearing a smug smile. Like the thought of him sleeping with her would upset me. It didn't. They belonged together.
"And she's amazing in bed. Fucking fantastic actually. So much better than you. She's very talented with..."
"Stop. Please stop talking." I didn't care if Austin was fucking Isabella. But I didn't want to hear about how great she was. I didn't wa
nt to have to think about James and her together. About how much James had loved her. Or how he might still love her.
Austin smiled. "Touchy subject? Does James compare you to her often? It's really not much of a comparison." He looked so happy with himself.
"James loves me." My words didn't even convince myself.
"Really?" Austin tossed the envelope at me. "I'm not so sure about that."
"You know nothing about him. And you know nothing about me."
"Baby, I know you."
"You don't, Austin. You never did."
"Well, I know you're going to be upset about what's in that envelope."
I looked down at the envelope in my hands.
"I guess I'll read about you calling off the wedding in the tabloids." I felt his hand slap my ass.
I shoved his chest hard, but he didn't even take a step back. Instead, he grabbed the back of my head hard and pressed his lips against mine.
I hit his chest with my fist, but his hand just gripped my hair tighter. His tongue slid against my closed lips. I hit his chest with my fist again and then shoved him as hard as I could. "Get the fuck off me!" I wiped my lips with the back of my hand. "What is wrong with you?"
He smiled. "Call me, Penny. I think your self confidence is just about where I need it to be to pick up right where we left off in college. You know, with you wishing I loved you, and me banging every girl I meet. It'll be like old times. Enjoy the pictures." He winked at me and walked away.
As soon as he disappeared, I let my tears start to fall. I ran to the bathroom and into a stall, locking the door behind me. My heart was beating fast as I opened up the envelope. I pulled out a small stack of photos. There was a post-it note covering the first photo:
A picture speaks a thousand words isn't exactly true for this. All of these pictures really only mean one thing.
I lifted off the note and stared down at an image of James kissing another woman. This time, it was one I didn't recognize. He was wearing a baseball cap and it looked like he hadn't shaved since he left New York, but it was definitely him. I felt even colder than I had when I was talking to Austin. This isn't real. This can't be real.
In the next photo, her legs were wrapped around his waist and her back was pressed against a wall. My chest hurt as I stared at the image. There was no explanation for this. It wasn't Isabella attacking him, or him getting closure from his ex. This was passion. This was real. It wasn't photoshopped or fake. James was at his bachelor party hooking up with another woman. But that's what guys did during their bachelor parties. Wasn't it?
In the next photo, his hand was up her shirt. He was clearly grabbing her breasts.
My back slid down the bathroom stall door.
In the next photo, his hand had moved. It was lost under her skirt. Her face had tilted away from his. Pure bliss was written all over it. I knew that feeling. I knew exactly the way he could make me feel. How he could make anyone feel apparently.
I put my face on my knees and let myself cry even harder.
"Penny?"
I tried to stop crying when I heard Melissa's voice.
"Penny? I'm so sorry. I'm sorry about everything. I don't want you to not be friends with Tyler. And I definitely don't want you to not be friends with me over this whole stupid thing. I'll get over it. I will. I'm so sorry. I don't want to fight about this anymore."
Her words just made me cry even more.
"Penny?"
I sniffed from inside the stall.
"Are you okay?"
"No." I knew how my voice sounded. It was desperate. I felt so lost. "I'm sorry too. I'm so sorry." My voice cracked.
"Penny." Melissa knocked on the door. "Penny, let me in." Her voice was a little more demanding the second time.
I reached up and unlocked the stall door.
When she looked down at me, the only thing on her face was concern. She knelt down on the gross bathroom floor and threw her arms around me. "What's wrong?"
Instead of saying anything, I sobbed into her shoulder.
She rubbed my back and kept her arms around me. "It's okay," she said in a soothing voice. "Everything's going to be okay."
I had my best friend back. But I had lost the love of my life. Nothing was ever going to be okay again.
Part 3
Chapter 23
Sunday
"God I miss you," James said and then there was long sigh. "I'm calling you from the hotel lobby because Rob won't let me have my phone. We're staying at some place called the Blue Parrot Resort. You can call me back at this number, but I'll be back tonight. I can't wait to see you. Oh, and you'll need the pa...hey, Rob! No, I wasn't calling Penny. Fuck, get off of me!" The recording beeped, signaling the end of the message.
I played the message for the hundredth time. My intense hangover had made me sleep till well past two o'clock. And I had woken up to this message. James' voice was soothing even though his words weren't. He missed me? He didn't fucking miss me. It seemed like he was plenty entertained.
I had called the number back, but I couldn't get through to James. The person on the other end asked for a password. When I didn't know what to say, they immediately hung up on me. I had tried to call back a few more times, but no one had even answered my call. They must have blacklisted my number or something.
There wasn't much information about the Blue Parrot Resort on Google. It was clearly some super private hotel if they required a password to even talk to the concierge. And it was probably as sleazy as it was secretive. I sighed and pressed the replay button. It was so good to hear his voice. The recording beeped, signaling the end of the message.
I knew Isabella was just trying to get in my head. Guys did crazy stuff during their bachelor parties. That was just a fact. And I had touched some random man's six pack last night. If there was a picture of me doing that, it would look bad. The pictures that Isabella had sent me were probably out of context.
I shook my head. What horrible context would have made James hook up with some random whore? The only thing that made sense was that he was being threatened at gun point. The Blue Parrot Resort seemed secretive, but it didn't seem mobstery.
This wasn't what was supposed to be happening before our wedding. We weren't in the movie The Hangover. This kind of stuff didn't happen in real life. I leaned back and folded my arms across my face. I wasn't sure I could go through with the wedding in just a few days, but I still wanted to. I really, really wanted to. If I closed my eyes and pictured him smiling at me, I felt like I could forgive anything. But I couldn't live with him sneaking around. Maybe at first I could, but it would eat away at me. It would slowly kill me. If the man I loved didn't love me back, the best thing I could do was let him go. I wanted him to be happy. I cared about him so much.
But it didn't matter how rational it was. I'd never be able to let him go. I needed him. Even if he cheated on me? Even if he'd do it again? God. I sat up and rubbed the tears away before they could start to fall again. James was my rock. He was always there for me. I had let him become my whole world. I needed to let this go. It was just a bachelor party. He had one last hookup as a single man. That was it. The thought of him hanging out with Rachel and kissing Isabella popped back up in my head. I pinched the skin above my nose. Stop. None of this was helping.
I put the rest of the pictures into the shoebox full of love notes to Isabella and slid it under the bed. James would be back soon. I didn't want to fight with him. And I certainly didn't want to confront him about cheating on me. I couldn't have that conversation. He had to bring it up. He had to confess what he had done to me. I didn't have the strength to do it. Maybe he was going to come home and break up with me immediately. If that's really what he wanted, would I be able to let him go? Would I even have a choice?
The past few weeks I had been so stressed out. I had lost my perspective. There wasn't anything to be upset about, though. I was lucky. I was madly in love, I had been given a great job, a beautiful new home, and I was ge
tting married. Those were great things. And I was too blind to realize it. Now that I wasn't going to have those things, I realized what they truly meant. But I didn't care about the job or the house or the money. All I cared about was losing him. I felt empty just thinking about it.
I wanted to delay our conversation. I couldn't do it tonight. I laid down in the bed and pulled the covers up to my chin. There was never going to be a good time, but it had to be before the wedding. I couldn't walk down the aisle if I didn't know if I could trust him. I needed one more night, though. One more night of his arms around me. I shut my eyes as tight as possible, as if it would make my wish for more time a reality.
***
My eyes opened when I heard the front door close. I must have drifted to sleep waiting for James to come home. I glanced at the alarm clock. It was right before midnight. Mason had kept his word.
I closed my eyes again. One more night. Please let me have one more night with him.
His footsteps echoed across the marble in the foyer and treaded lightly on the stairs. But they paused when they reached the bedroom door. He let out a deep sigh.
I closed my eyes even tighter. I could picture him leaning against the door jam. He was probably running his hand through his hair in that sexy way he always did. I took a deep breath. There was a mixture of scotch and his amazing cologne in the air.
He entered the room and I could hear him getting undressed. Then it was silent again. He didn't get into the bed. I could feel his eyes on me. He must have just been standing there, staring at me.
I wasn't sure what I had been thinking earlier. There was no way I could ever let him go. If he was cheating on me, we could work through it. We had to. I couldn't live without him. And I couldn't let him end it with me. We were getting married on Saturday. It was too late for him to change his mind. You had to call off a wedding at least a month in advance unless you were a horrible human being. That was just a rule. And James wasn't horrible. If he cheated on you he is. I felt like I was going crazy. One day alone and I had completely lost my mind.
"Are you awake?" he asked softly.
I bit my lip. My tears had started dampening my pillow. If he thought I was asleep, we couldn't have whatever conversation we needed to have.
