by Dinah McLeod
“We should talk.”
I pulled my eyes away from the spectacle of my best friend and turned to Brody. I knew right away that meeting his eyes was a big mistake—butterflies fluttered as my sex clenched. God, he was gorgeous. I didn’t think I’d ever get tired of looking into his chiseled profile. There was a bit of gray in his brown hair, not that it marred his appearance in the slightest. If anything, it only made those luminous eyes stand out more. How had I ever been able to resist him? Right now, I wasn’t sure.
“Shan?”
I nodded, unable to speak, and without waiting for my permission, Brody took my arm and led me out the back entrance. From the moment his touch seared through me, I knew I’d made a mistake by coming with him at all. I wasn’t as young as I used to be, I couldn’t put up with the endless nights of what-ifs anymore.
“We should go back. They’ll miss us.”
“I doubt it,” he chuckled. “No one even noticed we’d left.”
“But in a few minutes, they’ll—”
“Still be in happily married bliss. What’s up, Shana? Don’t you want to talk to me?”
I took in his raised eyebrow, his serious eyes and I almost collapsed into his arms right then and there. “It’s not that. Just I… you… we’re in the wedding party. There might be plenty of women to make up for my absence, but won’t Seth miss you?”
“No, I don’t think he will. I think he’ll know exactly who I’m with and what I’ll be doing.” With that, he pulled me close and I didn’t try to resist, not even when I saw his full, kissable lips heading for my own.
From the moment our lips met, I could feel myself melting into him, inch after reluctant inch. We shouldn’t be doing this—I shouldn’t be doing this. Not here, not now. Not with him. But I couldn’t seem to make myself stop, either; my body melded against his like it was made to be there, as though it hadn’t forgotten how to fit into his despite all the time that had passed between us. I could feel my panties beginning to dampen and when I pressed my legs tightly together—as though that could actually stop it—I could feel my thighs quivering in a wishful sort of anticipation. We still had an entire reception to go; it was too early for that. Damn it. I pulled away, breaking our kiss with reluctance.
“Hi to you too,” I murmured, my voice breathy.
He grinned, brazen as ever. “I thought I’d cut down on the small talk, save us some time,” he quipped. “You look… stunning.”
I looked down at my dress and began to fidget self-consciously. “Oh, I don’t know…”
“You do,” he insisted firmly. “And don’t let me hear you say otherwise.”
My eyes leapt to his face at the warning. This wasn’t the first time I’d heard him sound so authoritative, but it caught me off guard as much as it had the first time. Somehow it made me feel drawn to him and intrigued when what I really should have been doing was running in the opposite direction. As further proof of my insanity, something made me challenge him. “Or what?” I asked in a whisper.
“You don’t want to know, sweetheart.” He winked at me and my tummy clenched at the promises it alluded to. He reached over and trailed a finger down my cheek in a gentle caress before leaning down and kissing me on the nose. “Now, let’s get to the reception hall before anyone starts wondering where we went to.”
When he offered me his arm, I only hesitated for a moment before I took it. I could feel my heart fluttering wildly as we walked to the reception. This close to him, I couldn’t help but be seduced by those devil-may-care smiles and huskily whispered threats. I kept hearing the words playing over and over again in my mind: you don’t want to know. You don’t want to know… Strange as it was, the heat between my legs told me that I did.
“Looks like we beat everyone here,” Brody commented as he opened the door for me. “Do you want to steal a cupcake? I’m sure no one would notice.”
“Brody!” I exclaimed, smacking his arm. “Really.”
“You can sit it out if you want, but I think I’m gonna go for it.”
I clung to his arm, pulling him back. “Wait, don’t!”
“Shh!” He scolded playfully, his grin widening as I giggled. “All right, that does it. No sweets for you.”
“Oh, is this like the champagne thing?”
“The champagne thing?” he echoed, turning to look at me.
“You know, at the wedding, when you said… never mind.”
I could feel my cheeks heating up again. Why did it seem like I couldn’t be in his company for more than ten minutes without blushing? Did he really not remember scolding me over my drinking? If he didn’t remember that, maybe he didn’t remember our marriage pact, either. I knew I shouldn’t care, shouldn’t feel devastated by the fact that he might not think about me as much as I did him, but my heart twisted painfully anyway.
This was a mistake, I realized with a pang. As good as it felt to be around him, I just couldn’t. It brought everything rushing back and I wasn’t ready for that. I didn’t know if I’d ever be ready. It had been a decade—we didn’t even know each other anymore, not really.
“Shana, listen—”
I couldn’t. I knew if I did, he’d say something sweet and wonderful, or make me laugh, and he’d distract me from reality. Once upon a time, I used to think that was OK, but not anymore. “I have to go. I’m sorry.” Before he could say anything, I turned on my heel and began walking away as fast as I could.
“Shana? Shana, where are you going?”
I walked faster, then broke out into a run, leaving him calling behind me. The tears didn’t start to come until I’d made it out of the church. Then, they flowed steadily, blurring my vision. The pained look I’d seen on Brody’s face right before I’d made it out of the reception hall was burned into my mind.
Chapter Six
I didn’t waste time finding Becky. Luckily for me, while the rest of the wedding party was enjoying the reception, the bride was taking a few last-minute wedding photos. I marched up to her in mid-shot and grabbed her arm.
“Hey! Shan, what’s up? I’m kind of in the middle of something here.”
Oh, she was, was she? Well, that was just too damn bad. “Excuse us for a moment, please,” I said to the photographer, my voice sugary sweet. I hauled Becky off to the side, glaring. “What the hell is wrong with you?” I hissed.
She yanked her arm out of my grasp. “What are you talking about?”
“What do you think I’m talking about?” I exploded. “Having Brody here! As Seth’s best man! It doesn’t matter how many times I tell you that this… obsession you have with Brody and me is ridiculous, you’ll still do anything to get your own way!”
She drew back, shock evident in her wide green eyes. “Have you completely lost it? I didn’t—”
“You did!” I insisted, not even bothering to lower my voice any more. “You didn’t tell me he was going to be in your wedding! You… lied to me!”
“Oh, I did? And when, exactly, did you ask me if Brody was going to be in the wedding?”
“I shouldn’t have to ask! You should have told me!”
“Well, as it happens, it was a surprise to me, too.”
“Yeah, right,” I scoffed. “You’ve got Seth wrapped about your little finger!”
“Shan—”
“You said so yourself. He’d do anything for you, and he has, right? This is what you meant? You had him make Brody his best man, didn’t you? Didn’t you?” I insisted.
“No! Shana, I promise you, I had no idea.”
“I don’t believe you.” I folded my arms across my chest stubbornly. “What else would you have been talking about?” To my surprise, Becky blushed. Becky never blushed! It was against her religion, or something.
“Look, I’d love to go over this with you and trade some more insults, but I’m in the middle of a photo shoot. You know, on my wedding day. So if we could take care of this later…”
“Fine,” I huffed, determined to stay mad, convinced I had
every right. After all, I was supposed to be her best friend. “Just run away, whatever.”
She’d been walking back toward the photographer, but when my words reached her, she stopped, turning her head to look at me. “Oh, no, Shan. You’ve always had the market cornered on running away.”
* * *
She’d had it right, of course, and running was exactly what I’d done. I’d raced from the wedding as fast as my feet would carry me, forgetting that I’d driven over. By the time I’d gotten home the bottom of my dress was covered in dirt from the tumble I’d taken. Note to self: never run in heels again. Ever.
“Shana? Is that you?” Mom had asked, staring straight at me.
“Yeah, Mom. It’s me,” I’d said as I gulped deep breaths of air into my burning lungs. I was seriously out of shape.
“Good. I was wondering where you’d gotten off to. Now, where is your brother? It seems like I’m always missing one of you.” She smiled fondly.
“It’s Saturday, Mom,” I reminded her patiently. “Jonas won’t be here until Monday. He always comes Monday nights, remember?”
“Oh, that’s right, dear. Thank you. Goodness, darling, you’ve gone and gotten your pretty dress all dirty. Why don’t you get changed and I’ll see what I can do?”
“Thanks, Mom,” I mumbled as I trudged past her and made my way back to my bedroom. I flopped on the bed and the first thing my eye landed on was the nightgown Becky had worn to bed last night. She must have forgotten it. She is going to kill me! I thought, groaning to myself. But I just couldn’t go back. Going back meant facing Brody, which meant facing all the confusing feelings inside of me. Why did I run so hard, so fast?
Because he’d broken my heart, that was why. Everyone always took his side and assumed that it was the other way around, but it had been a two-way street. It hadn’t just affected him. I’d become some sort of outcast in the last days of high school with people who’d once called themselves my friends either shunning me in the halls or glaring at me in the cafeteria. If it hadn’t been for Becky…
My heart twisted painfully in my chest. I sure hadn’t repaid her kindness, had I? Maybe I should have stayed and listened to what she had to say… but no, there was no excuse. None. She knew how I felt about Brody even if I never said as much aloud; yes, I loved him, but I was too afraid to give him my heart a second time.
It had been hard enough to pass him in the hall and have him stare right through me, but the story that I’d never told anyone was that before I’d boarded that plane, I’d changed my mind. I hadn’t gone more than a long weekend without talking to Brody; having him deliberately ignoring me was unbearable. I’d decided that we could make it work—we just had to. I knew now that, selfish or not, I couldn’t be without him. I could delay going to Brown for a semester while we talked things out and planned what to do next.
As soon as I’d made the decision to stay, even if it was just for a little while, I’d felt bombarded by emotions. I was relieved to have made a decision, terrified that I was making a mistake, but most of all, I was excited to tell Brody the news. Despite the chilly weather, I’d been so thrilled to share my decision with him that I’d slipped from the house without worrying about a jacket or even shoes. I’d tossed a few pebbles at his window, and when that signal hadn’t flushed him from hiding, I’d gone to the door and knocked until my knuckles were raw. I’d called his name over and over again until my voice was hoarse, tears prickling my eyes as the wind slammed against my body. Finally, convinced he either wasn’t home or wasn’t coming out, I’d slumped dejected in front of his door, letting the tears come. I didn’t know how I’d managed to make such a mess of things. I’d thought he would be ecstatic with my news, but maybe there was no way to salvage this—or us.
I had no idea how long I sat there—long enough for the tears to stop and for me to feel how cold I really was. Shivering, I’d wrapped my arms around myself and stood on shaky legs, ready to make the trek back across the lawn to my house. I’d made it about halfway when I chanced to look up at Brody’s bedroom window. My heart had caught in my chest and stopped beating for the time it took me to remember to breathe. To my utter disbelief, Brody was standing there, framed in the window, looking right back at me. He’d heard me calling him, seen me crying, and still he’d done nothing. I felt paralyzed with the shock of it. There could only be one explanation—or at least the only one that I could find: he’d never loved me. What kind of person would do that to someone they loved? That was why no matter what I felt when I was around him, however much I thought about him, I had to stuff my feelings down deep and forget about them. I couldn’t risk being that hurt again.
When I woke up the next morning, my head pounded as though I had a hangover, even though I hadn’t been at the reception long enough to touch a drop of alcohol. Becky was the first thought that penetrated through my achy head. Groggily, I reached for my cell phone. Holy hell, I had 12 voicemails, 38 texts and one photo message. Ooh, this was not good. Before I could think better of it, I clicked on the photo and waited for the picture to come into focus.
The message was from Patrice and the photo was of a stunning Becky dancing with Seth. It read simply, ‘The Happy Couple,’ but could not have pierced me more if it had been an insult. Oh, God. I’d screwed up so bad. So very bad. Becky was never going to forgive me. There was nothing to do, I decided, but to get to her house as fast as I could to see if I could catch her before she and Seth left for their honeymoon.
My mind made up, I sprang out of bed, grabbing my phone and hurrying from the room, stocking feet and all. I was already dialing her number when I opened the door and promptly dropped the phone. Becky was standing there, her face pale and pinched. The phone lay forgotten as I looked at my best friend. I’d known she’d be mad, but she looked like she was about to hulk out of her sweet sweater set and strangle me with her bare hands.
“Hi.”
“Hi?” she echoed, tossing her head. “Is that all you have to say to me? I’m supposed to be in Fiji right now, Shana.”
“Then why aren’t you?”
“Hmm, well, let me think. I guess because my best friend went crazy and just vanished in the middle of my wedding!”
“Technically, the wedding had actually—”
“Excuse me? Are you seriously going to argue this point with me?”
That would be a no. Arguing with Becky was never a good idea, I’d always known that and that was before she’d looked like she was capable of murder. “I’m really sorry.”
“Well, at least that’s a start,” she snorted.
“Look, Becky, what do you want me to say? I know I messed up.”
“Go on.”
I felt a surge of anger flood my body. Where did she get off? I wasn’t the only one who had messed up, a fact that she seemed content to forget. I wasn’t going to let her get off that easy. “OK, and what about you? Is there something you conveniently forgot to tell me in the, oh, I don’t know, four weeks before your wedding?”
“Please, don’t turn this around. This—”
“I can’t believe you! You’re being so selfish! You knew what seeing him would do to me, you knew—”
“I’m the one who’s selfish? Better go take a look in the mirror, maybe you forgot what selfish looks like.”
“Oh, is that so?”
“Well, I’d say running off on a friend before the cake was cut qualifies, don’t you? Especially when that friend was supposed to give a toast?”
Oh. I’d forgotten about that. Guilt tried to eat at me, but I shoved it away with both hands. I wasn’t going to let her win—I always let her win. This time, she was going to have to come to my side for a change. “If you hadn’t made Brody a part of your wedding party—hell, if you’d at least told me, this would all be different!”
“I didn’t ask him!” she exploded. “Seth did! I’m sorry, should he have checked with you first?”
I made a face at her. “Oh, sure. We all know Seth does whate
ver you ask him to, and you’ve been trying to get me and Brody back together for years!”
“I just want you to be happy! If Brody doesn’t make you happy, forget it! I just want you to stop running because you’re too damn scared to get hurt!”
Her words shocked me speechless, rendering me incapable of delivering all the snappy, sarcastic retorts battling for my attention. Instead, I balled my hands into fists at my sides, glaring daggers at her and breathing heavily. We faced off, both looking ready to do battle, when the front door squeaked open.
“Shana? Are you out here? I thought I heard yelling. Are you all right, honey?”
I winced. I wasn’t ready for Becky to know how bad Mom’s condition was, especially considering how things currently stood between us. “Yeah, I’m fine, Mom. I’ll be right in.”
“OK, dear. Hello, Becky.”
Becky at least had the grace to say hello, though she didn’t bother to fake a smile.
Once Mom has closed the door I turned to face her. “So, what now?”
“I don’t know, Shana,” she sighed. “I just can’t deal with this right now. I just came to make sure you were OK.”
That caught me off guard. “You thought I was…”
“I didn’t know what to think, you didn’t exactly leave me a note,” she snapped. “Yes, I assumed… but I couldn’t be sure until I saw you for myself. Now that I have, I have a plane to catch.”
“You just want to leave things… like this?” The idea kind of terrified me. We’d never fought before, so a shouting match was unprecedented. I had no idea where we went from here or what happened next.
She shrugged and began walking off the porch. “I don’t really care right now, Shana.”
Her words winded me. As I watched her drive off—tires squealing, per usual—I slid down until I was sitting on the porch. I hugged my knees to my chest; I hadn’t done that since I was in middle school, because I hadn’t felt so small since then. Not until now. Becky was right: I had been stupid and selfish. I hadn’t been thinking straight and never could where Brody was concerned. Everything got muddled and confusing when I was around him, regardless of the time that had passed.
