by Ali Dean
“I can still run with a broken wrist, right?” I wonder.
“Probably not right away. That’s a pretty shitty injury, Charlie, I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, if you got it you wouldn’t be able to play guitar or write. I guess you can type one-handed but that’s going to suck too.”
“I’m sure you’ll find something to keep you busy.”
I start thinking about all the things I might not able to do for a while and get a little panicky. “Maybe I can still snowboard.”
“Probably a bad idea. If you fall on it again, it will only take longer to heal.”
“At least I can read.”
“You find anything for your book hangover?”
“No, not really.”
I look over at him, and I just want his physical comfort so bad. I’ve gone all this time without crying. I’ve been doing so damn well, but now the backs of my eyelids prickle and my throat feels clogged.
“You can still walk,” he offers. But it’s hollow. That’s not what I need.
If all I can do is walk, I don’t care, but I want to do it with you, Tanner.
If I have to sit in a bed for days, I’ll be just fine, as long as Tanner plays me music and snuggles with me.
I don’t say any of this though.
My voice is thick when I speak, but I manage to keep the tears at bay. “You wouldn’t be able to send me the manuscripts Virginia Rose wrote that aren’t published yet, would you? Are you still in the process of finalizing them?”
He looks away. “I think I can send you the first one. But then you’ll have to wait a little for the next one. You sure you don’t want to wait for them all to come out?”
With each book I read, that feeling of familiarity grew. It got so strong, I knew I wasn’t imagining it simply because I was looking for any way to feel closer to Tanner. No, by the time I got to Virginia’s latest series, the niggling idea that started in my subconscious came right to the surface.
“Not with a broken wrist. I need something to distract me. Maybe when I finish I’ll start rereading all the other ones. I’ve tried other authors who are supposed to be similar, but nothing compares. I just want to keep reading Virginia Rose over and over.”
I study him for a reaction, but he isn’t giving me much besides a refusal to look at me, which could mean anything.
When I read the series Jane raved about, the one that just came out last year, I finally allowed myself to acknowledge the suspicion that Virginia and Tanner were one and the same. It had been nagging at me, but just like when I’d distrusted his great-aunt explanation for his wealth initially, I thought I was being ridiculous. When I’d half-heartedly considered he might be a drug dealer all those months ago, I’d been grasping at straws for a reason not to sleep with him, knowing even then I’d already started to fall for Tanner.
Once I started thinking that Tanner could be Virginia, or Virginia was Tanner, I wondered if I was coming up with crazy ideas for another reason this time. If my theory was true, it could mean he broke up with me because he didn’t want me to find out the truth, not because he’d lost interest or was only into me for sex.
See, the heroine in his recent series felt especially familiar because I identified so much with her. In fact, she was a hell of a lot like me. But that would mean he’d been noticing me, understanding me, getting me on this deeper level, before he moved in with me. Before we slept together. Hell, before we had more than a few short conversations over the years when we bumped into each other. It should have either dispelled my theory altogether, or scared the hell out of me. Instead, it was downright exhilarating. Was Mia right? Did Tanner Moon have it that bad for me?
Tanner’s agreed to send me the most recent manuscript at least, and I’ll take what I can get. Unable to ignore me studying him any longer, he lifts his eyes to mine and for a brief second I think I see all of it. The depths of Tanner Moon are in his gaze, the stories and characters within him, the emotional turmoil stirring behind a deep longing, one I hope is for me. But I don’t know if I’ve simply been too immersed in Virginia Rose’s words lately to see straight. If my own despair at losing him is clouding everything.
Grace finally pulls up. Tanner puts the board on the roof rack for me, and we stand outside the passenger door for a minute. Whether Virginia Rose existed or not, and no matter who she is, I just know I want this man to hug me so much it physically aches not to lean into his chest. If there’s any excuse to get a hug, a broken wrist should do it, right?
But he can’t even look at me, and I know why. He hates it when I bring up Virginia Rose, and I only did it because I really do want that book. Preferably all of them, except I don’t know if he’s actually written them yet.
I wish I could tell him I think he’s Virginia Rose.
But if I’m right, then he’s gone to great lengths to keep it a secret. For all I know, I’m the only person on the planet who’s figured out the person behind Virginia Rose is Tanner Moon.
It doesn’t matter though, because either way the result is the same; I don’t matter enough. He decided to keep this secret from me, a huge part of who he is, and he’s entitled to that. I can let him think he still has it. I can have a secret of my own.
Whether Tanner left because it was getting too hard to hide the truth, or because he wanted to stop from getting attached before it “got complicated”, it doesn’t change much. The reasons aren’t all that different. Tanner left because he doesn’t want me to truly know him. To see all of him. I can’t force him to want that from me, and that’s what hurts the most.
Chapter Twenty-Six
Tanner
Three days after her crash, and I couldn’t sit at my computer and write. I wanted to check on Charlie. I wanted to take care of her. But I’d already sent her an email with the manuscript, and asked how she was doing. She’d responded it was a broken wrist, with a sad face emoji, and thanked me. I had no excuse to reach out to her anymore, no role in her life.
If I told her the truth now, it wouldn’t change anything. I kept telling myself that, but I wanted to tell her anyway. It ate at me, growing bigger every day.
I had to get out of the apartment. I’d had enough of being alone.
When I drove to the supermarket and Hilda Newman came right up to me, I instantly felt better.
“You’re on your way to Charlie’s to check in on her, right?”
She peered at me, willing me to nod a yes. So I did. What else could I do?
“Good. My chicken dumpling soup always makes people feel better, and the poor thing with her broken wrist.”
I didn’t tell her I already had the recipe as she wrote it out for me. But now it was in my hand, so I could get the ingredients and make it without going home first. And I didn’t want Hilda to find out I’d lied. She probably would, somehow.
That’s how I found myself pulling up into my old spot with groceries, just like I had that first day. There was a new SUV on the other side of Charlie’s car. I’d let myself pretend like Seth the new roommate didn’t exist, but apparently he was home early for a weekday afternoon.
I’d bought smoothie ingredients before I’d run into Hilda, originally intended for myself, but decided I’d prepare some for Charlie since I was already here.
I almost opened the door and went inside without knocking. That’s what Charlie’s closest friends always did. But I didn’t have that status, so I knocked, a mixture of discomfort and unease causing a knot in my stomach. I was nervous, and it was weird being a guest where I used to live, but my chest expanded a little like it could breathe again.
The door opened, and when I registered Riley standing there, my chest tightened right back up.
“Hey man, what’s up?”
He had his shoes off, and looked too comfortable. I wanted to shove him aside and charge in there.
“I brought some stuff for Charlie.”
“Nice. Cool.” He moved to the side and I came through with a paper bag of groceries in ea
ch arm. It was more painful than I expected. Each spot in the house where I’d tasted her, been inside of her, assaulted me, making my skin heat with want and despair. I couldn’t escape it, since I’d taken Charlie in just about every space around me. Did she think about that at all?
Charlie was sitting on the couch, a computer at her side, and she moved to get up when she saw me.
“Tanner!” She was surprised to see me, and I regretted not texting first to ask if it was okay.
“I saw Hilda at the market,” I said quickly, needing to justify my unannounced visit. “She wanted me to make you her chicken dumpling soup.” I didn’t mention the smoothie stuff. As much as I wanted to stick around and assert my presence, I wouldn’t be able to handle it for long if Riley was Charlie’s new boyfriend. If he started touching her in front of me, I’d lose it.
Riley strolled back in. Had he been sitting with her on the couch? Where exactly on the couch was he sitting?
Charlie moved around the kitchen island to peek in the grocery bags. There was a cast on her arm and my own arms flexed in frustration with the inability to reach for her like I wanted to. I’d researched broken wrists and the recovery was a lot like a broken arm.
“Oh! Did you bring smoothie stuff too? You know how lazy I am about breakfast. You really think I’m going to start making them myself and doing the dishes with one hand?” She tsked.
“I was going to make a few batches while I’m here. It won’t be as good as fresh, but I promise to wash the blender before I leave.”
Riley cleared his throat, reminding me he was still here. “Did you still want to start a movie, Charlie?”
She looked up from peeking in the other shopping bag. “Ohhhh, you got a fresh baguette from the bakery too.” It was sourdough, her favorite.
“I think I’ll try to help Tanner in the kitchen instead. Maybe another time. Thanks so much for bringing over the flowers though. And the chocolates. That was really thoughtful of you.”
I glanced at the flowers and box of chocolates sitting on the other side of the kitchen island, which I’d purposefully refused to acknowledge until now. There was another bouquet of fresh flowers in a vase on the coffee table, and I knew gifts like this were common when someone was injured or in the hospital. But did the chocolates have to be in a heart-shaped box? I didn’t like it.
I wasn’t the only one disgruntled. Riley shot me a look of annoyance before shoving his hands in his pockets and turning to go. “Let me know if you need anything. You have my number if you ever want company.”
When he didn’t walk over to kiss her goodbye, I took that as confirmation they weren’t hooking up. If they were, he would have made a point of showing me. But he clearly didn’t have enough confidence about Charlie’s intentions to do that. Yet. Maybe I needed to drop in unannounced more often.
When the door shut behind him, she confessed, “He interrupted my time with Virginia Rose.”
“You’re reading the manuscript on your computer?” I looked over to the couch.
“Yeah, you sent me an EPUB.”
“You can open those on e-readers, you know?”
“Oh, I don’t have a Kindle. I got all the books in paperback from the library.”
“I don’t have to stay and fix you soup and smoothies if you want to keep reading, or feel free to keep reading while I’m in the kitchen. I know my way around.”
“Stop being so polite, Tanner. You were my roommate for over four months,” she scolded me.
“It’s weird with no dogs here,” I remarked as I unloaded the bags.
“I know, going from two to none has been tough. I’ve been spending a lot of time at Jamie and Mia’s though, just to get my Donut snuggles.”
“Meatball misses Donut. Maybe we can get them together for a play date.”
“I did get the green light to walk, so if you ever want to join me and Donut, I’ll be doing that for like two hours every day. She said I could swim too and even start running after three weeks if it’s healing well. As long as I stay off trails and it’s flat terrain. It’s not going to be so bad.”
“We can meet at the pool anytime. I’ll hang out with you. Keep you company.” You don’t need Riley.
Charlie didn’t say anything and I turned around after taking a pot out of the cupboard.
“Tanner,” she said so gently.
“What is it?” I put the pot down and came to stand beside her. We were inches apart.
She took a step back and I tried not to wince with how much that hurt.
“You know I love people, having company.”
Fuck. Here it was. She was going to give me a breakup speech of her own. A different kind, but one all the same.
“But it’s like you said before, now that we’ve slept together, it’s complicated between us.”
“I guess I thought…” My voice came out hoarse and I cleared it. “I thought since some time had passed, and we aren’t roommates anymore, we could be friends.”
She wouldn’t look at me as she waved her non-casted arm in the general direction of the couch, or maybe it was the flowers and chocolates Riley left, with what she said next. “Riley isn’t complicated. Before you got here, I was tempted to hook up with him.” I almost choked at her words. It was like she’d stabbed me right in the gut. Why was she doing this? Did she know how much that hurt me?
No, she has no idea how you feel because you told her it was time to end the roommates-with-benefits arrangement before it got complicated. You never said a word about how you felt. She doesn’t know you left because you couldn’t lie and you couldn’t tell the truth either.
I got the feeling she wasn’t even really talking to me anymore, she was talking to herself. “I mean, he was here, he’s cute, my snowboard season’s over and I can’t run for a little while. Why not?”
Is that how she felt about me when we were together?
I couldn’t listen to this anymore. “Charlie. Stop.”
She turned her head and looked at me. She must have seen something in my expression, or realized what she’d been saying because she cringed. “Sorry.”
A long silence hung in the air between us before she let out a shaky breath. “I don’t really want to hook up with Riley and I was relieved when you walked in.”
Finally, some words that didn’t twist that knife in my stomach.
She took a small step, closing the space she’d put between us. “I want to hang out with you, Tanner, that’s why I started to invite you to hang with me. It came naturally. But I don’t think I can actually do it, okay? Having you in this space…” Her voice trailed off and she laughed a little. “I’m having a hard time keeping my hands off of you.”
I wanted to tell her she didn’t have to, the words were begging to come out, but I pressed my lips together.
Instead, I told her, “Can we try? To be friends?”
“That’s what you want? Really?” She didn’t believe me, and why should she? It wasn’t true.
“No.” I couldn’t lie anymore. I just couldn’t do it. I ran a hand over my face. “I should go, I can’t keep my hands off you either,” I admitted defeat.
“Come on, we’re adults. We can at least cook the food you brought over. I really want Hilda’s chicken dumpling soup and it would be a bitch for me to make one-handed.”
“Maybe meeting at the pool in our bathing suits is a bad idea too.” She laughed, agreeing with me.
Acknowledging the sexual tension between us didn’t make it disappear, but it did remove the knife from my stomach. I still didn’t know if she felt anything beyond that between us, and I wouldn’t let myself find out until I told her the truth. Moving around the familiar kitchen with her close by, resolve settled. I’d tell her. Soon.
But then I started to play it out in my head. There were too many different ways she could take it, and most of them involved her thinking I was a massive asshole for lying to her like I did. I’d lied to everyone in town, her parents, her friends, and I’d dec
eived millions of readers to believe the author of all those books they loved was a woman. The books Charlie herself now loved too.
Or maybe she’d think I was a little unhinged for assuming a female identity, a little weird for writing the books I did and doing so in secret all this time. Maybe she’d feel like she never really knew me, even though she knew me better than anyone. Or she wouldn’t believe me at all, and think I was making it up.
That growing desire to tell her the truth shrunk right back on down, and I tried to forget about it altogether. Right now, she still wanted me. She’d told me she could barely keep her hands off me, and she’d let me stop by unannounced and take over the kitchen. I should leave it at that. If only it were enough.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
Charlie
When I show up for happy hour on Wednesday in my cast, the girls are already at our table, soaked from the wet snow outside that’s melted onto their running clothes. It’s been a year of Wednesday runs together, and while it’s the first one I had to miss, I can still join for the happy hour part, which we’ve been doing for a few years now. As I slide in next to Mia and we all start talking, I catch sight of three guys, also wet from sweat and melting snow, walking over to our table.
Jamie, Oliver, and behind them, Tanner. I almost never see him at the Tavern unless he’s performing, and why does my body have to react like this every damn time it’s near that man?
“Are you crashing our happy hour?” Morgan accuses when they reach our table.
“No, just saying hi,” Jamie replies before coming up behind Mia for a kiss. I slide down, making a spot for him.
“We’ll sit at a different table. This is your thing, and now that we’re running on Wednesdays too, we’ll do our own happy hour,” Jamie offers.
“You’re really going to sit in the same restaurant as us at a different table?” I ask doubtfully.
“You’re running every Wednesday now? Copycats,” Grace teases.
“They really are,” Mia confirms. “Jamie recruited both of them to train for the marathon with him.”
