Shoot Me, I'm Already Dead

by Julia Navarro

  “Nothing, there’s nothing out of the ordinary going on. Don’t wait up, I’ll be late.”

  “I’ll talk to Raisa until the logs burn out.”

  Samuel was about to leave when he turned back and hugged his father. Isaac responded to the embrace, but there was a shadow of confusion on his face.

  “Father, you know how much I love you, don’t you?”

  “How could I not! We only have each other, that’s how it’s been since . . .”

  “Since my mother and my brother and sister were murdered . . . Yes, we have never been apart since then. You have been the best father.”

  Samuel’s words made Isaac hold his son even tighter. He could sense that something was going to happen, and his hug was not only joyous but also worried.

  Samuel left the house after giving Raisa a kiss on the cheek. For her, Samuel was still the same little child who had come to her house so many years before.

  It was cold. Too cold, he thought. He didn’t want to go anywhere. He would happily have stayed the entire evening with Raisa and Isaac. His father was right, he was annoyed, angry with himself without knowing why. He didn’t like the imperious tone of voice that Andrei used with him. And although he didn’t like to admit it, he was tired of these endless meetings with the librarian Sokolov, where they did nothing more than talk and talk about a future that seemed to him to be a utopia.

  Maybe he was an egoist, and that was why at that moment his principal desire was to carry out properly the work that Oleg Bogdanov had given him to do. He was lucky to have been accepted as one of Bogdanov’s assistants, and he did not want to waste the chance to learn and to become someone. Because Samuel had decided that if he became a great chemist, then Saint Petersburg would accept him. The city was aloof to all those people who were nobodies, and to be somebody meant to be recognized for what one did, at least if one were not an aristocrat, or a member of one of the richer families.

  He had just about reached the Goldanskis’ house when Irina came out of the shadows. She was wearing a knitted hat that covered her hair, and had a scarf wrapped around her head, but he could see the fear in her eyes.

  “Samuel . . . ,” she murmured.

  “What are you doing here? Why aren’t you at home with your family?”

  “Yuri asked me to take care of Mikhail because he . . . well, he had something important to do tonight. We arranged that I would take the boy to my house, and that he would come to pick him up tomorrow, but something happened . . .”

  Irina’s voice quavered. Samuel felt worried.

  “What has happened? Tell me . . .”

  “I went to pick up Mikhail at the time we agreed. Yuri wanted to have supper with his son, so we agreed that I would not leave until after eight o’clock. I don’t know, but I think something was worrying him . . . Mikhail and I left and we were already on the way to my house when I realized that I had forgotten to pick up a change of clothes for the child, not even a nightshirt. We went back and when we got there we saw a great hubbub at the door. I . . . well, I decided to wait before going in, and . . . It was horrible. . . Some men were taking Yuri, they were pushing him and shouting . . . Mikhail started to cry and call for his father . . . I had to cover his mouth . . . Yuri saw us but didn’t make a single sign, as if he didn’t recognize us . . . I waited for them to go . . . I didn’t know what to do, I didn’t dare go into the house . . . Mikhail is with my mother, I’ve told her what happened and she’s worried . . . I think Yuri’s been taken by the Okhrana.”

  “My God!” Samuel exclaimed in fright.

  “I didn’t dare bother Konstantin, but because I knew that you were invited to the party tonight I thought I’d wait for you to come along.”

  Samuel said nothing. He didn’t know what to say. He felt even more scared than Irina, because he knew that if the police had come for Yuri then that meant they were on the trail of Professor Fyodor Volkov’s group, and this group and Sokolov’s were meeting tonight. He thought of Andrei, who had some of the group members’ proposals. He shuddered to think that the Okhrana could arrest him. He looked at Irina, who was waiting for him to say something, but all he felt was fear. He didn’t know what to do or what to say.

  “You should go back home and look after Mikhail.”

  “No! No! We have to warn Yuri’s friends!”

  “And what about Mikhail? Are you going to leave him with your mother? You can’t give her that responsibility.”

  “No . . . of course not, but . . . My God, I don’t know what to do!”

  “Neither do I, I don’t know how to help you, and . . . Well, I’m sorry, Irina, but maybe the Okhrana will . . .”

  “Samuel, for God’s sake, trust me! I know that you’re like Yuri, you’re part of a group that wants to change Russia and that there is a meeting this evening.”

  “He told you about it?”

  “Yes, Yuri trusts me, I know what his ideas are, I even went to a meeting at Volkov’s house once . . . We have to do something!”

  “You can’t take any risks, it’s enough that you have Yuri’s son in your house.”

  “I don’t want to go home!” There was an edge of hysteria in Irina’s voice.

  “I need to think . . . I have to go home.”

  “No, you mustn’t go home; if they’ve found out about you, then the Okhrana will come for you, too.”

  “But I haven’t done anything!” Samuel protested.

  “And you think that Yuri has?”

  They hadn’t taken more than a couple of paces when they heard the frenetic sound of horses’ hooves, and shouts breaking the silence of the night.

  They tried to hide in the shadows, afraid that the police might arrest them. In spite of how late it was, all Saint Petersburg seemed to be on the alert.

  “We’ll go into Konstantin’s house, it’s the only place where we’ll be safe.” Samuel seemed relieved to have made this decision.

  She barely hesitated. Samuel was right, the only safe place was the Goldanskis’ house, although she didn’t know what she was going to say to the countess.

  They didn’t try to enter through the main door. They went directly to the tradesmen’s entrance, the one the servants used, which communicated with the kitchens and the servants’ rooms. The door was half open and they took the opportunity to creep in and look for the main hallway. A pleasant smell of roasting came from the kitchen, and they could hear the servants coming and going.

  They walked slowly to the salon.

  Konstantin was flirting with a beautiful woman whom Samuel remembered having seen at other parties. Joshua was not out of the game either, and was taking a sip from a beautiful brunette’s glass of champagne.

  They had not yet managed to contact their friends when they suddenly heard some brusque knocks at the main door and the frightened chatter of the servants.

  One of them came into the salon in a fright, calling out, “The Okhrana! The Okhrana!”

  Samuel went over to Konstantin and looked at him in anguish.

  “They might be looking for us,” he whispered, and pointed at Irina, who was at his side.

  His friend seemed disconcerted for a few seconds, then he told the orchestra to play a waltz and ordered the servant to show the fearsome agents into a sitting room.

  “You have to hide . . . Samuel, do you remember where we used to hide when we were children?”

  Samuel nodded, and ran off, dragging Irina by the hand. They went into the cellar and he opened a little door that led into the coal-bunker. As children they had hidden in there to escape from Katia, who was always asking them to play with her, or else simply to hide from the adults who were looking all over the house for them.

  Samuel made Irina leap over a heap of coal and then they sat in silence beside each other.

  Time seemed to stand still. Samuel imagined the policemen
asking for identification from all the guests, and then going through the house trying to find the two of them.

  The door flew open and they made out the figure of Konstantin, followed by a couple of grim-looking men.

  “I told you, this is where we store the coal! Go ahead, have a look . . . It’ll be fun to see the state of your uniforms afterwards . . . Have a look . . .”

  They heard the threatening voices of the men and Konstantin’s laughter and did not dare breathe until the door was shut again.

  Konstantin went back to the ballroom with the policemen and his voice displayed genuine rage.

  “I promise you that the prime minister will hear about your treating us in this way.”

  “You may be Count Goldanski, but some friends of yours are taking part in dangerous activities, and they might have been among the guests this evening. Anyway, you wouldn’t be the first nobleman to play at being a revolutionary,” the man who seemed to be in charge said in a defiant tone.

  “How dare you! I will not tolerate this lack of respect shown toward me or toward my family, when we have shown our loyalty to the tsar on the battlefield.”

  Countess Ekaterina had retired to her rooms after dinner, but as soon as she found out about the agents of the Okhrana she came down to the ballroom. All the guests stood around in silence. The police had ordered them to stand with their backs against the wall. The orchestra was silent, nervous as to what might happen next.

  The countess walked up to her grandson with great delicacy and tried to take control of the situation.

  “Gentlemen, you still haven’t told us what has happened, or why you feel the need to come into our house at this hour of the night.”

  The officer in charge stepped up to reply, but whether as a result of the countess’s cold gaze or her magnificent poise, he answered her with rather less anger than he in fact felt.

  “A group of revolutionaries was to meet tonight to give free rein to their criminal instincts. They were conspiring to overthrow the tsar.”

  “Revolutionaries? My dear sir, neither I nor my family has anything to do with any revolutionaries,” the countess said.

  “We have eyes and ears everywhere, and we know that they planned to meet this evening to discuss a plan of action,” the man in charge said.

  “And you are looking for them here, in my house?”

  “We think that some of them might be among your guests.”

  “How dare you accuse my guests! Everyone here is an honorable citizen, and as you can tell from their names, they are all loyal subjects of the tsar.”

  “Yes, these ones are. Weren’t you expecting anyone else?”

  “I will complain to the ministry. And I’ll make sure that the tsar himself is informed of this affront.”

  “You may complain as much as you want. Our obligation is to ensure peace and order throughout the empire.” The eyes of the officer reflected the hatred he felt.

  “Do you need to speak here, in front of everyone?” Konstantin asked.

  “Do you have anything to say that you don’t want your guests to hear?” the policeman replied with scorn.

  “I suppose it’s difficult for you to understand.”

  The officer let loose a guffaw, which made those present even more frightened than they were already.

  “As I have told you, we have eyes and ears everywhere. The conspirators will be mine tonight; in fact, they already are, as we’ve arrested almost all of them . . . And they will pay for their treason, not one will go free. Ah, be careful! Having friends who sympathize with non-aristocratic causes could lead you to share their fate. You are only half an aristocrat, and half a Jew.”

  “Leave my house at once! The tsar will be informed of your behavior.” The countess was pale, but her voice still held its former authority.

  “Yes, the tsar will be pleased to know that a half-Jewish family has friends who conspire against him. Russia is too generous with its enemies. They should all be crushed. The Jews are the cause of all our problems. They must be torn out of our land like you would pluck a weed.”

  “I have told you to leave! You have already spoken to my grandson.”

  They left. Konstantin and Joshua were surprised at this.

  “And now, carry on dancing. Let’s have a glass of champagne . . . ,” Countess Ekaterina said to the guests.

  No one really felt like carrying on, but neither would they have felt safe leaving the mansion, so most of the guests opted to stay.

  The countess made a sign to Joshua and Konstantin to step aside with her, away from the gazes of the guests.

  “Now you are going to tell me the truth,” the countess ordered them.

  “Grandmother, I have no idea about what has happened, except . . . Samuel arrived with Irina a short while before the Okhrana did. They seemed scared. I am sorry to have put you all in danger, but I sent them to hide in the coal cellar.”

  The countess said nothing, trying to understand her grandson’s statement.

  “Bring them here, but try to make sure that no one sees them.”

  Samuel and Irina appeared before the countess with their clothes covered in coal dust.

  “Well? I need an explanation.” The countess’s eyes were filled with rage.

  “I’m sorry, we shouldn’t have come here, we have no right to put you in danger.”

  “I want to know the truth, Samuel. Are you a revolutionary?”

  “No . . . I truly am not . . . Well, I think that Russia needs to change, but never by force.”

  “Stop mincing your words and tell me the truth!” the countess cried.

  “The truth, Madam, is that my intention was to accept Konstantin’s invitation and to spend a large part of the night here, in your house. But it is also the case that a group of friends were waiting for me to attend a meeting, where we were to talk about how to make Russia more like countries such as Germany or Britain, and how to help the populace escape its miserable situation. That is the truth. And I swear to you that I would never lift a finger against the tsar.”

  “And what about you, Irina?”

  “Me? I have not done anything, although I agree that things need to change and the people are suffering, Countess . . .”

  “Right. So you too were going to participate in this meeting which Samuel was invited to attend after leaving my house.”

  “No, I wasn’t invited. All I had to do was to take care of Mikhail, Yuri Vasiliev’s son, but Yuri has been arrested by the Okhrana and I didn’t know what to do, so I went looking for Samuel . . .”

  The countess shut her eyes for a moment, trying to find an answer as to what she needed to do.

  “My husband would have been extremely disappointed by your behavior,” she said, staring directly at Samuel.

  “I’m sorry, and I’m deeply ashamed to have put you in this situation. We’ll go away now, and I hope one day you’ll be able to forgive me for what I have done.”

  “I don’t know if I’ll be able to. We have treated you as if you were a member of our family, and you . . . you have dared to place us in this situation, to betray our trust, to put us in danger. You do not deserve our support. I feel sorry for your father, he is a good man, just as your grandfather was.”

  Samuel lowered his head. He felt ashamed and it was hard for him to contain his tears.

  “Grandmother, Samuel has done nothing wrong. Is it wrong to want a better future for Russia?”

  “What he has done is betray us. He has betrayed us and has considered betraying the tsar. But Samuel, I will not betray your father, and because of the goodwill I bear him I will not deliver you to the Okhrana. You will leave my house, I do not want to see you ever again. And you, Konstantin, I forbid you to spend time with Samuel or with anyone who dares endanger the calm and the prestige of our house. And you, Irina, do not come back. We
don’t need a piano teacher like you. In fact, Katia has been asking us for some time to release her from her lessons, which she finds boring.”

  “Grandmother . . . Please allow me to help him. He is my best friend, I cannot let him get arrested by the Okhrana,” Konstantin begged.

  “No, Konstantin, I will not allow you to be friends with a revolutionary. Say goodbye to each other, and let me say that I never imagined things would end like this.”

  They left the room, and neither Konstantin nor Samuel was able to find the proper words to say goodbye.

  “You are in danger, Samuel, you had better flee,” Joshua said, bringing them back to reality.

  “Flee? No, I could never run away, I can’t leave my father and I don’t know where to go,” Samuel said, a cold chill running down his spine.

  “If you don’t run then you will be arrested, you have no choice. And you, Irina, you are in trouble as well. The porters will have told the police that you work for Yuri and that you look after his son. They will go and look for Mikhail and take him to an orphanage,” Joshua said.

  “But I can’t leave! I haven’t done anything! They can’t arrest me for looking after a child!”

  “I don’t know how much you know about Yuri’s activities, but the Okhrana will make you tell them everything. Everything. They won’t take long to find you,” Joshua assured them.

  “That’s enough, Joshua, don’t frighten them!” Konstantin interrupted. “My dear friends, I think you should follow Joshua’s advice. I will help you escape, but you must escape. Don’t fool yourselves, if the police arrested Yuri and then came to look for you in my house, it is because they know the names of everyone in the group. They will arrest you. It’s a simple decision: either you stay in Russia in one of the Okhrana’s prisons, or you leave the country to be free. And that means that you, Irina, will have to leave your mother, and you, Samuel, will have to leave your father. As for Mikhail, the poor child may well end up in an orphanage, but there may still be time to rescue him. I’m sure that the Okhrana is now doing everything in its power to arrest the other members of the group, and you, Irina, are only Yuri’s maid. Yes, there might still be time for you to go and look for Mikhail.”